What happened to him to make him do this?

[Caro]

Hello,

 

I am new here and need advice...

 

I just recently became separated from my husband of 9 months after 4 years together. Our relationship was not perfect and we had issues that I feel we had gotten over bc we were still together.

 

We met and moved in together within 3 months. I got pregnant soon after meeting but we both decided not to have the baby. We were sad but wanted to keep living our life. We quit our jobs and moved to FL to do contract work since we are in healthcare but that didn't work out, he got stressed, started talking to women in chat sites, and cheated on me. I found out, fought/argued but contiued our relationship. It was hard to trust him again but I felt he made it up to me bc she showed him I could trust him again. He proposed a year later and we just got married last June.

 

During our whole relationship, we always talked about saving, paying off debt, children, family, ect... always making plans. We were still doing this up until December when he got a new, stressful job that I supported him to get bc I knew it was a great opportunity and he talked about how it was more money for us to pay off debt faster. As soon as he started, I noticed he started to change. He was distant, always tired, not talking to me a lot, not texting/calling me all day although I knew he texted with co-workers, who are all women btw, all day bc he is the director and they communicate via text at work. I blamed it on the stress but noticed it was the same as how he acted before when he cheated on me so I was scared and nagged him to go with me to counseling and to talk to me so the same thing didn't happen.

 

At first, he would say that he wanted to separate bc he just wanted to focus on his job, then that he had not been happy in a long time and we moved in together too soon and went through too much for a couple to go through, and then that he didn't know if he wanted to be married. I told him that this was the stress talking bc an unhappy person doens't go through w a proposal, wedding, and continue making plans if they know they are not happy. We had nothing to tie us down to keep us together if we were unhappy.

 

I looked through his phone and saw that he was constantly texting with a co-worker, all day and night. I told him he needed to stop texting her and to focus on us, even if we separated. He said he didn't want to stop bc she was a distraction. I left in mid-feb to give him space. All he did was text with her all day and night until 2 am! (I checked the online phone records so I know for sure) and never called/text me unless I did it first. He never even came to see where I was staying even though it was a few blocks away.

 

I moved back last week bc I wanted to come home. He decided to move out, rent a new apartment for a whole year and spend money furnishing it even though we were always so careful about saivng for the future, now he didn't even care how much he spent.

 

All he says is "I don't know" when I ask him what he wants for the future, for us. He doesn't say he wants to file for divorce but said it a few days ago when I told him he couldn't be stringing me along, talking to that girl, and not knowing what he wants. He says that she is only a distraction, there is an attraction, but he is not thinking about dating her or anything right now. He says that she did make him realize that he can start new without all the bad history/issues we had. He says all they do is text about work, everyday things, ect. nothing personal/serious. I have never seen phone calls on the phone records, but it doesn't make it better. He is developing a relationship with her, sees her everyday at work, and talks to her all night.

 

He will text me once in a while to ask how I am doing but nothing more besides that. He says he would want to start over but doesn't think it would work bc of so much bad history. He will ask me if I feel we can still have a future, I say yes, then he says no and that we should file and move on. All he says now is that he doesn't know what the future holds and wants to just focus on work/himself. I would support him and think we could work it out if I knew he was focusing on him but he is now always texting with her, everyday and night, even after we hang up after talking about us. He know that I know and doesn't seem to care/stop it. He just turned off his feelings from one day to the next like I never meant anything to him. I am his wife of less than 1 year!!! I am so confused/devastated! I feel like we were just starting our lives and he didn't even give our marriage a chance. We were supposed to go on our honeymoon this June and were saving towards it up until he stared the job, now all we did was divide our saving in half and we each went our separate ways.

[Mr. Lucky]

He just turned off his feelings from one day to the next like I never meant anything to him. I am his wife of less than 1 year!!! I am so confused/devastated! I feel like we were just starting our lives and he didn't even give our marriage a chance. We were supposed to go on our honeymoon this June and were saving towards it up until he stared the job, now all we did was divide our saving in half and we each went our separate ways.

I'd guess that he never stopped cheating, even after you caught him the first time. Some guys can successfully compartmentalize their feelings and it's entirely possible he loves you (in his own way) and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. But at the same time, he's pursuing these side activities, some of which you've discovered. In short, not a good candidate for marriage if monogamy is to be part of the deal.

 

It's little comfort to you but you're lucky to find this out after only a year. Take time to heal from this and then find someone on the same relationship page as you. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[thatone]

Maybe nothing happened, maybe he was always this way.

[CarrieT]

I'm willing to bet even money that both of you are in your early 20s? And that perhaps your "four years together" stemmed from high school or early college years?

 

Quite simply, he is not mature enough to enter into a marriage.

 

Let him go and be alone for a while - you will be happier in the long run.

[Caro]

We are actually both in our thirties... I am 31 and he is 36. We were older and had already dated a lot. So I never thought it was a lack of experiences. We wanted to accomplish more professionally and as a couple and were ok being parents in our late 30's....

[CarrieT]

Caro, in light of that information I think you have some huge red flags with this man who is approaching his 40s and still acting this way.

 

His texting other people, telling you "he isn't sure what the future holds and wants to work on himself" screams of a narcissistic self-centeredness that does not bode well to a marriage, unity, and family. He is having an Emotional Affair - at least - and possibly a Physical Affair with this other person.

 

It sounds like he has already emotionally checked out of the marriage...

[Mr. Lucky]

Caro, in light of that information I think you have some huge red flags with this man who is approaching his 40s and still acting this way.

I agree. Given his age, he seems like a less than fully-formed person. At his place in life, most guys would have sowed their wild oats (if that was a priority for him) and be interested in family, commitment and stability. For various reasons, others never get past the "player" stage and that seems to include him.

 

BTW, stress and adversity have nothing to do with cheating and in fact bind healthy couples closer together. It's certainly no excuse...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Caro]

So this week he told me he went to dinner with her and I have noticed on his phone records gaps in their texts messages (like 3-4 hours) in between texting each other so I know they are now seeing each other and possibly being physical with each other.

 

I spoke with him for like 2 hours on the phone after I found all this and he just says they have been talking and nothing physical. I don't believe him. I want to go file for divorce so bad! I don't know why am I waiting. Part of me feels that once I file, it's all over for good. But I know it's stupid bc its been over and he is just disrespecting me over and over. I'm so confused!

[GuyInLimbo]

What are you confused about? He's with another woman and playing you for a fool. Stop acting like one and file today. He's done with you, so why allow him to continuously disrespect you? Yes, once you file it is for good. That's the point.

[CarrieT]

File for divorce.

 

It will force the issue and his waffling of not knowing what he wants will make him decide.

 

If he wants to stay with you, he will fight for you and you don't have to complete the divorce (reasons why it takes six months).

 

If he doesn't want to fight for you and the marriage, why would you want a guy like this anyway and he is probably too attached to the other woman.

[Caro]

I told him I filed (even though I still have not but have an appointment next week to meet with the lawyer) and told him to come and move all the other things he still had at our apartment.

 

He came by and we talked, laughed, cried. It was nice to see him and just talk. He hugged me, kissed me, said he missed me and that he wishes we could start over but just doesn't know how. He keep repeating that " I don't know how we can start over". I said " do you at least think that you would want to, because that's a start." He said he didn't know how it's possible.

 

I cried hysterically when he found our marriage certifcate in the papers he was going through. He just hugged me and said he was so sorry to be hurting me so much.

 

He left and I just cried myself to sleep. Spoke with him the next day regarding where to leave the keys and other things of my apartment and I asked him what he did the night before. He said he went over to the other woman's place and watched movies. He keeps saying he has not slept with her and nor does he want to. That he likes talking to her. That's all. I told him to just say the truth because I'm not stupid, but he swears he just likes talking with her because she is there to listen since she knows how work is, ect. He says they never talk about whatever it is that they are doing, about me/him, or anything relatioship wise.

 

I don't believe him. I am still so confused about filing and hurt. I know he is sad and is upset that I said I filed. I don't know if I thought that lying about that would make him just react. It has not.

 

If I file, it's done. I still have hope. I know it's lack of self-esteem and fear in my part, but I love him so much. Talking with him about the good times we had just reminded me of what a great thing we had.

[Gunny376]

Lose this guy! I could write volumes as to the reason why? Just lose this guy! He's not good for you!

 

Quit being so damned selfish! There's a guy out there that is on his knees praying before God to meet someone like you. Devoted, caring, committed, frugil, nuturing.

 

One of my rules in life?

 

I'm NOT going to beg someone to let me love them!

 

I'm a good person with a lot of love to give! I'm committed to those I love and all on board with them! I have morals, values, ethics, standards, ~ a code that I live by ~ which is for what its worth? Is Christian based. I put my honor and integrity way up there? If you want to get on the 'fightin' side of me? Just question my intergity and honor! I always try and 'just do the right thing' ~ and believe God Himself wrote it upon my heart the day I was born!

 

I don't lie (I'll just tell you I don't or won't talk about it before I would lie), I don't cheat, I don't lay a hand upon others. I don't do these things to others, and I won't have them done to me!

[Mr. Lucky]

He said he went over to the other woman's place and watched movies. He keeps saying he has not slept with her and nor does he want to. That he likes talking to her. That's all.

If he was 10 years old and at a sleepover his story might make sense. A man and the woman he's apparently left his wife for, very hard to believe.

 

Caro, it may seem counter-intuitive but the best (and probably only) chance to save your marriage would be to give him the freedom he wants and file. Right now he suffers no penalty for playing the field. He may have to be careful what he wishes for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Caro]

So this morning he told me he talked to her last night about them, us, everything, spent the night at her place but didn't do anything physical because he really likes her and wants to do things right, and that they both like each other and will see where this goes. Has not slept with her because he likes her and wants to do things right! Really? This is right? Whatever!

 

I told him that he is making a mistake by wanting to see if the grass is greener on the other side and giving up on his marriage for an infatuation. It might be the real thing with her, but I can't focus on that now. I got the answers I needed and will now move on.

 

He didn't give me more details about what they talked and I don't know why I want to know more. I didn't tell him I have not yet filed (he thinks I did) but I will tell him later to do it himself because I don't have it in my heart right now to do it.

 

I know everyone tells me to file but I don't think it matters anymore who files first or second. The marriage is done and there is no more relationship. I will let him go and let him continue to make his decisions so he can later say he did it all. He started this whole mess, so he can finish it himself by filing. My heart is too broken and marriage to me is forever, so I will not change my beliefs by filing. Let him do it.

[TailSpin75]

I told him that he is making a mistake by wanting to see if the grass is greener on the other side and giving up on his marriage for an infatuation.

 

The grass is greener where you water it.

[Caro]

It is greener where you water it but doesn't it have to be done the correct way? He is blinded by stress, sees her everyday at work and has made her his escape from whatever is going on inside him that was brought on by the drastic changes in his life that the new job has created.

 

But time will be the one to tell that. It is clear to me but not to him because he is so consumed by this work/new life/new woman. She makes him see there is a life out there where there is no commitment to someone else. He can have it easy with her because he didn't commit to her.

[MsOptimist]

So this morning he told me he talked to her last night about them, us, everything, spent the night at her place but didn't do anything physical because he really likes her and wants to do things right, and that they both like each other and will see where this goes. Has not slept with her because he likes her and wants to do things right! Really? This is right? Whatever!

 

I told him that he is making a mistake by wanting to see if the grass is greener on the other side and giving up on his marriage for an infatuation. It might be the real thing with her, but I can't focus on that now. I got the answers I needed and will now move on.

 

He didn't give me more details about what they talked and I don't know why I want to know more. I didn't tell him I have not yet filed (he thinks I did) but I will tell him later to do it himself because I don't have it in my heart right now to do it.

 

I know everyone tells me to file but I don't think it matters anymore who files first or second. The marriage is done and there is no more relationship. I will let him go and let him continue to make his decisions so he can later say he did it all. He started this whole mess, so he can finish it himself by filing. My heart is too broken and marriage to me is forever, so I will not change my beliefs by filing. Let him do it.

 

I think you have all the answers you need, unfortunately. You're doing the right thing in accepting that he's checked out of the marriage and at this point there isn't a darn thing you can do to save it by yourself. You are showing the most respect to yourself by letting him go - you don't deserve this.

 

I understand about not having the heart to file. Take your time if you it. I let my ex husband file so that he would incur the fee of doing so - and going through the motions of going to the court, etc. I felt like he wasn't addressing anything and that doing those things might at least make him face the reality of it. If he was taking a very long time to file I would have eventually - it's hard to live in limbo and once you begin to heal from the shock of it all you see that it'll be better for you in the long run to begin trying to move on and getting the legal process underway (that is very emotion in itself).

 

I wouldn't be surprised if your husband comes crawling back eventually, once his infatuation dies down and he starts dealing with the reality of the divorce and losing you - but don't hang onto that thought because you don't deserve to be 2nd best. My ex went through the same thing with major amounts of stress from work and a health issue, and he wanted to find greener grass. He's tried to come back a few times - BUT is still keeping his options open for greener grass because he's fooled into thinking that it may be easier to start something new without having to ask me for forgiveness. Well it doesn't matter because I won't be played like that.

 

Take care of yourself and continue grieving.

Edited March 25, 2013 by MsOptimist

[TailSpin75]

It is greener where you water it but doesn't it have to be done the correct way? He is blinded by stress, sees her everyday at work and has made her his escape from whatever is going on inside him that was brought on by the drastic changes in his life that the new job has created.

 

But time will be the one to tell that. It is clear to me but not to him because he is so consumed by this work/new life/new woman. She makes him see there is a life out there where there is no commitment to someone else. He can have it easy with her because he didn't commit to her.

 

The correct way would be to work toward a common goal - I believe the problem (as you already know) is that he is not working with you on this. His attention is elsewhere - and I fully agree with MsOptimit's guidance on this. We can't make choices for others and we cannot change them either - but we can change ourselves. I am sorry that you are going through this Caro - I truly am - and to echo again MsOptimist - being in limbo sucks.

[Mr. Lucky]

He started this whole mess, so he can finish it himself by filing. My heart is too broken and marriage to me is forever, so I will not change my beliefs by filing. Let him do it.

Just keep your options open. You may at some time decide that, after being forced to stand by while he pursues his options, it's empowering to be the one that acts...

 

Mr. Lucky