What was your experience with the BS in your situation?

[AnotherRound]

I was reading around on here and realized that I wasn't really clear on many posters here and their stories regarding this? Are you currently in the A - and if so, is the BS aware? How long has your relationship with your MP been going on? Any contact or confrontation from the BS? Just curious and instead of trying to find it in old threads - was hoping I could consolidate it and catch up on some of the current posters histories!

[stevie_23]

I got together with my ex-MM back in April 2011. His wife (they weren't married then but had been together for about 3 years) knew of my existence because he had mentioned me as a gay friend from Australia, before we got together.

 

Then she found some of the early messages he'd sent me (about 2 or so months after we got together I think) and became a bit uncomfortable. Nothing was said in the messages that hinted that he was actually WITH me, but he was obviously sharing deep emotions and intimate thoughts that he had never mentioned to her before.

 

Several months after that, she found out he'd been sending me hundreds of texts and she confiscated his phone and laptop (then gave them back days later when he needed them for work). Nothing further was discussed (as far as I know) and we continued on. Things settled down.

 

So then fast forward to almost a year later and he accidentally left himself signed into one of the email accounts he used to talk to me AND left his secret phone (that he bought to replace the other phone he used to use to text me, after she found out about the texts) because he wasn't well and fell asleep and couldn't focus, etc. So she was understandably very upset and angry that this was STILL going on, and this time she wrote directly to me and said no "fantasy wife" was going to ruin what they had, and that I would never hear from them again and she hoped I found my own husband or wife one day. So it was actually quite a nice email considering the hideous circumstances for her.

 

I was shaking and very upset and stressed of course. I didn't reply. I felt paralysed and stunned by it all. He wrote to me a few hours later to explain what had happened. And again, we continued. More careful this time. *sigh of guilt and regret* She had taken away his secret phone and deleted his email account, but he made a new email account and got a new secret phone.

 

So then 3 months later, she got a copy of his bank records which showed his monthly payments for his new secret phone. He couldn't deny it, he threw the phone away and then finally made the decision to end our relationship. I didn't hear anything from her this time.

 

But I did write to HER about 6 weeks later, expressing my regret and apology for my actions and the pain and worry I'd caused her, and told her he hadn't contacted me and would not, and that it was over and she didn't have to worry or wonder anymore about if he was still with me.

 

So...that's my experience with my ex-MM's BS.

[AnotherRound]

I got together with my ex-MM back in April 2011. His wife (they weren't married then but had been together for about 3 years) knew of my existence because he had mentioned me as a gay friend from Australia, before we got together.

 

Then she found some of the early messages he'd sent me (about 2 or so months after we got together I think) and became a bit uncomfortable. Nothing was said in the messages that hinted that he was actually WITH me, but he was obviously sharing deep emotions and intimate thoughts that he had never mentioned to her before.

 

Several months after that, she found out he'd been sending me hundreds of texts and she confiscated his phone and laptop (then gave them back days later when he needed them for work). Nothing further was discussed (as far as I know) and we continued on. Things settled down.

 

So then fast forward to almost a year later and he accidentally left himself signed into one of the email accounts he used to talk to me AND left his secret phone (that he bought to replace the other phone he used to use to text me, after she found out about the texts) because he wasn't well and fell asleep and couldn't focus, etc. So she was understandably very upset and angry that this was STILL going on, and this time she wrote directly to me and said no "fantasy wife" was going to ruin what they had, and that I would never hear from them again and she hoped I found my own husband or wife one day. So it was actually quite a nice email considering the hideous circumstances for her.

 

I was shaking and very upset and stressed of course. I didn't reply. I felt paralysed and stunned by it all. He wrote to me a few hours later to explain what had happened. And again, we continued. More careful this time. *sigh of guilt and regret* She had taken away his secret phone and deleted his email account, but he made a new email account and got a new secret phone.

 

So then 3 months later, she got a copy of his bank records which showed his monthly payments for his new secret phone. He couldn't deny it, he threw the phone away and then finally made the decision to end our relationship. I didn't hear anything from her this time.

 

But I did write to HER about 6 weeks later, expressing my regret and apology for my actions and the pain and worry I'd caused her, and told her he hadn't contacted me and would not, and that it was over and she didn't have to worry or wonder anymore about if he was still with me.

 

So...that's my experience with my ex-MM's BS.

 

Thanks for sharing - sounds like all involved handled it fairly well, all things considered. I think it was very thoughtful of you to reassure her that he wasn't in contact with you, as I'm sure she worried about that considering he had been dishonest with her previously.

[LadyGrey]

She was pretty pissed at me, until she found out that he had lied to me about his fake separation.

 

What followed was quite incredible. We had a few dinners together, talked and talked, about him, about ourselves, about life. We liked each other, had much in common, found a friendship for a time. We gave each other the truth that he wasn't giving either one of us.

 

Too bad it didn't have more of an ending sorta like Carrie Underwoods song. Two Black Cadillac s. :laugh:

[cocorico]

I was reading around on here and realized that I wasn't really clear on many posters here and their stories regarding this? Are you currently in the A - and if so, is the BS aware? How long has your relationship with your MP been going on? Any contact or confrontation from the BS? Just curious and instead of trying to find it in old threads - was hoping I could consolidate it and catch up on some of the current posters histories!

 

My A is over. He told the BW he intended to leave, and then left, some years back. The BW still goes out of her way to avoid us but has taken to stalking me online, even though the D (and our M) was finalised years ago.

[skylarblue]

I'm not currently in the A (ended 1.5yrs ago), but was with xMM for 7yrs (and still stay in cordial contact with him). His W didn't discover the A until year6, and wasn't aware A that it continued for another year after dday. There never was a confrontation although xMM said she'd expressed wanting to before, and in his opinion, if given the opportunity she would. However, when given the opportunity on dday, she didn't (which I think was the better judgement).

 

Curious (and admittedly I'm not familiar with your story), do you expect or worry about a possible confrontation? I only ask because of the specific questions.

Edited March 17, 2013 by skylarblue

[White Flower]

I was reading around on here and realized that I wasn't really clear on many posters here and their stories regarding this? Are you currently in the A - and if so, is the BS aware? How long has your relationship with your MP been going on? Any contact or confrontation from the BS? Just curious and instead of trying to find it in old threads - was hoping I could consolidate it and catch up on some of the current posters histories!

 

Can I ask what brought you to LS? Have you experienced any aspect of the A or are you just a counselor trying to learn more about affairs through the Internet? I know you addressed me in another thread about being a counselor or going to school for it.

 

My A was 7 years, and is over now. Had BW ever contacted me with questions I would have shared with her whatever she wanted to know, provided she proved to be mature enough to handle it. Having always trusting a known liar, her H, I suspected she was probably not but I gave her the benefit of the doubt for many years even though xMM always told me how ignorant and immature she was. xMMs IC said it best: she was emotionally stunted. True story, I heard it myself.

 

After it was over she continued to check the cell bill online and rummage through his cell texts when he was outside doing chores. He saved an old text from me and she replied to it. I immediately recognized that it wasn't him, I know him better than she does, (this is the truth, he told his IC in front of me), and I called her on it by asking who it was even thought it came from xMMs number. She responded by "stay away from my H and my family you whore". Big words for an ignoramus. Sorry, those are my honest feelings about this particular BS and does not reflect my opinion about all BS.

 

Funny thing, by texting me SHE started things up again for us. She had 7 years to listen to her gut and after many Ddays she still never contacted me (the only one who would give her the truth) but now that she's the chosen one (in her mind) she thinks she's the victor and can lash out at me. She shouldn't have done that because I put her in her place for doing so. Besides giving xMM a reason to call me and apologize for her meanness, he told her she had gone too far this time.

 

I responded to her and said who would want anything to do with her family, I was never after her family, and that her family was too sick and codependent for my standards so good luck with that. I added that since I realized that xMM wasn't growing as fast as I liked in therapy I suggested he end the separation and go back home.

 

And here she thought it was because he wanted her more than me.

 

There was also another text war between her extremely immature daughter and myself. She had gone digging in her dad's jacket and found his secret cell. She turned it on and kept it on all night. I called it to see if he had listened to a voicemail (he hadn't, I had the password) so I wondered why the phone was on. In the morning she texted me pretending to be him. She was a slightly better bullsh*tter than her mother, but I still caught that it wasn't xMM who was texting me and my reply reflected that. But I did think I was talking to her mother and she let me think that for a while. First she pretended to be her dad, then pretended to be her mom. How a woman who is nearly 40 years old and lives under her father's roof for free can go rifling through his property is beyond me. A six year old? Sure. Maybe even a 17 year old. But a late 30 something with a masters degree? I'd ask where she bought that degree from.

Edited March 17, 2013 by White Flower

[wanting more]

But was a 3-1/2 year A. His BW found out about 2 years into the A. There was a face to face meeting. she thought we stopped then and that it was sex only once a couple inappropriate emails between he and I. We continued and after another year and a half she found out again. He threw me under the bus and she believed his every word. For a few weeks id get emails and calls from her calling me every name you could think of. I sent her an email with proof of the 3yr A and my sincere apology for the hurt I'd caused her. Would still get random emails blaming me entirely for the A. My SO found out and he and she began comparing notes. I'd told my SO all the details where her WH didn't tell much. At one point a couple months after the BSs were s talking, my SO told her stop calling him as she was still putting everything on me and the lies were rediculous and funny and stupid and she seemed to believe them all. I stayed away and never contacted him. 6 months later he leaves me 2 long voicemails about how he still loves me, wants me. I leave one telling him never contact me again. And then his BW sees my # on his phone log and I get another. All from her calling me trash, whore, slut and to stay away from her husband I will forward the voicemails to her and tell them both Stay away or I'll get the police involved. And that's my involvement with his BW

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Been in A for 1 year and 1/2 ... about 3 months in, she found a 'flirty' text but not proof of anything really serious (we were acquaintances through work). He had texted after she found the text to say he wouldn't contact me anymore. She confronted me and just said that I needed to get my act together and stay away from her husband. Later found out he never confessed to anything, and he started contacting me again about 3 weeks after that happened. And has continued since. I see her from time to time at work events, but we don't acknowledge each other.

[AnotherRound]

I'm not currently in the A (ended 1.5yrs ago), but was with xMM for 7yrs (and still stay in cordial contact with him). His W didn't discover the A until year6, and wasn't aware A that it continued for another year after dday. There never was a confrontation although xMM said she'd expressed wanting to before, and in his opinion, if given the opportunity she would. However, when given the opportunity on dday, she didn't (which I think was the better judgement).

 

Curious (and admittedly I'm not familiar with your story), do you expect or worry about a possible confrontation? I only ask because of the specific questions.

 

I was trying to get clear on everyone else's backgrounds without having to read through all of the histories - basically me being a bit lazy, lol.

 

No, I am not worried about any confrontation - Just this had come up in other threads and people said something along the lines of "you know the situation I was in" and I was having difficulty remembering everyone's backgrounds regarding if the BS had known and what the confrontation had been, if any.

[AnotherRound]

Can I ask what brought you to LS? Have you experienced any aspect of the A or are you just a counselor trying to learn more about affairs through the Internet? I know you addressed me in another thread about being a counselor or going to school for it.

 

My A was 7 years, and is over now. Had BW ever contacted me with questions I would have shared with her whatever she wanted to know, provided she proved to be mature enough to handle it. Having always trusting a known liar, her H, I suspected she was probably not but I gave her the benefit of the doubt for many years even though xMM always told me how ignorant and immature she was. xMMs IC said it best: she was emotionally stunted. True story, I heard it myself.

 

After it was over she continued to check the cell bill online and rummage through his cell texts when he was outside doing chores. He saved an old text from me and she replied to it. I immediately recognized that it wasn't him, I know him better than she does, (this is the truth, he told his IC in front of me), and I called her on it by asking who it was even thought it came from xMMs number. She responded by "stay away from my H and my family you whore". Big words for an ignoramus. Sorry, those are my honest feelings about this particular BS and does not reflect my opinion about all BS.

 

Funny thing, by texting me SHE started things up again for us. She had 7 years to listen to her gut and after many Ddays she still never contacted me (the only one who would give her the truth) but now that she's the chosen one (in her mind) she thinks she's the victor and can lash out at me. She shouldn't have done that because I put her in her place for doing so. Besides giving xMM a reason to call me and apologize for her meanness, he told her she had gone too far this time.

 

I responded to her and said who would want anything to do with her family, I was never after her family, and that her family was too sick and codependent for my standards so good luck with that. I added that since I realized that xMM wasn't growing as fast as I liked in therapy I suggested he end the separation and go back home.

 

And here she thought it was because he wanted her more than me.

 

There was also another text war between her extremely immature daughter and myself. She had gone digging in her dad's jacket and found his secret cell. She turned it on and kept it on all night. I called it to see if he had listened to a voicemail (he hadn't, I had the password) so I wondered why the phone was on. In the morning she texted me pretending to be him. She was a slightly better bullsh*tter than her mother, but I still caught that it wasn't xMM who was texting me and my reply reflected that. But I did think I was talking to her mother and she let me think that for a while. First she pretended to be her dad, then pretended to be her mom. How a woman who is nearly 40 years old and lives under her father's roof for free can go rifling through his property is beyond me. A six year old? Sure. Maybe even a 17 year old. But a late 30 something with a masters degree? I'd ask where she bought that degree from.

 

I originally came to LS back when my exMM and his now exW were going through their divorce. I was interested in hearing from others what their experiences were regarding similar situations.

 

I am interested in people in general, what makes them tick - why they do and say the things that they do and say and behave in the ways that they behave. These forums are a place that I can observe a LOT of behaviors - so yes, that is a draw for me. Especially since it is an experience I am familiar with (FBS and FOW - and I work with both populations) - so it's interesting to me to see the gamut of responses. It also opens a window into personal and intimate relationships - which isn't something we are privy to on the street normally - so being able to have a look inside people's relationships is pretty enlightening too.

 

I am always researching, always reading, always trying to get a better grasp on healthy behaviors and unhealthy behaviors - as this not only helps in my professional life, but also in my personal life. I am out of school and have been practicing for several years. ExMM and I were in a relationship for 7 years, and prior to that my exH had an OW for about 4 months before we were separated.

[TheOW]

My A lasted just over a year both married, I was unhappy in marriage (husband is a great guy I just fell out of love with him over the years) I'm 27 MM is 49 and he was happy In his marriage - neither of us were in sexual relationship with spouses. We loved each other it was not fog/bubble whatever you want to call it.

 

Few weeks ago we were found out, his BS came barging into my home shoved my infant child out the way and we almost had a physical confrontation, she had not spoken with her husband yet (he was at work) it was her friend who spotted us together (she was suspicious for a long time) BS gave some phone calls, texts etc, me and husband split up after I confessed everything. BS came to my new apartment and asked me to leave town as her and her husband could not reconcile while I'm around. MM has text a few times apologising and saying how sorry he is about all the hurt that's been caused. Whole town was against me for a few weeks but its starting to wear off now. (My own family refused to speak to me when the news spread)

 

BS is everywhere I go I stopped shopping in town but she's in the next town shopping also ?? So I'm now shopping 30 miles away!! I'm getting phone calls 10x a day (when I answer they hang up)

 

Most recently (Friday evening) I was in local pub and she was there, she tried to get me removed (the manager told me) but I left as I could see the tension rising, that evening she was outside my house speaking on her mobile?? I turned guts out and went to bed.

 

The saga continues, and I'm just exhausted

[canuckprincess]

I was reading around on here and realized that I wasn't really clear on many posters here and their stories regarding this? Are you currently in the A - and if so, is the BS aware? How long has your relationship with your MP been going on? Any contact or confrontation from the BS? Just curious and instead of trying to find it in old threads - was hoping I could consolidate it and catch up on some of the current posters histories!

 

Been with ap since January 06, mm told bs about us almost a year and half ago. She has never contacted me even though she knows my name and number. She does however stalks me on Facebook which is ok with me.

[AnotherRound]

Been with ap since January 06, mm told bs about us almost a year and half ago. She has never contacted me even though she knows my name and number. She does however stalks me on Facebook which is ok with me.

 

This is very similar to the experience I had - although exMMs now exW did call me and breathe a few times. I offered, nicely I might add, any information that she wanted or felt she needed -and she simply hung up. I'm sure she stalked me through FB and such - and know that she stalked me in person a few times even though she was never lied to - I think she was just curious about who I was and such. I still thought it was strange to contact me and not want any information - as I know that exMM would tell her very limited information when she asked bc she had agreed and he didn't feel it would do anything but hurt her feelings.

[Poppy fields]

I not currently in an A. When my BS suspected, she confronted me at my home. I was young and still living with my parents then. She wanted to talk to my Mom. I convinced her there was nothing more than a single encounter that involved a kiss. Why she believed that, I will never know. After that confrontation, we never spoke again.

[MissBee]

When I was in the A I had little to no experiences with her, firsthand or through him, secondhand.

 

I knew her name, what she did for a living, that she was the mother of his child and some other random things but unlike other posters who can talk about the BS's personality, traits, bad qualities, whether they like this or that or what have you, I didn't know anything like that about her. I knew matter of fact things but we didn't discuss her and I respected that he told me just like he wouldn't be telling other people our issues or sharing stuff I shared in confidence with him with others, that he wouldn't do that to her with me. I think that's one thing I can say if we had an open R, I'd believe him about...as I saw the proof, that throughout the A he never spoke ill of her or discussed private stuff or complained about her, he only shared need to know details.

 

The only contact we had was once I called his home phone and she was spending the weekend and picked up the phone. That was the first and only time we "spoke." Besides that, I don't know her and like some OW have strong opinions about the BS, I don't resonate, as I simply do not know enough about her to dislike or like her. She had a nice voice and in hearing her voice I felt we were maybe similar in the way we speak or carry ourselves. That's the only "personal opinion" I had of her. I think he was both smart and respectful to keep my knowledge of her to a minimum.

[anne1707]

TOW

 

Not wanting to t/j but her behaviour is bordering on harassment. It might be worth investigating the possibility of taking out an injunction against her.

 

As for the shopping. Home delivery may be easier for now.

[LFH]

 

The saga continues, and I'm just exhausted

 

Time for the restraining order, this chick's off the deep end and needs to be checked on her behavior.

 

I don't know after listening to all of her antics, I doubt she'll stop, and when she doesn't, personally I think a good night in jail would serve her nicely.

[stevie_23]

Thanks for sharing - sounds like all involved handled it fairly well, all things considered. I think it was very thoughtful of you to reassure her that he wasn't in contact with you, as I'm sure she worried about that considering he had been dishonest with her previously.

 

Yeah, because it had been going on for almost 2 years and she must’ve hoped (even if she didn’t really believe) that after each D-day, it was over, and then to later discover it never was, it must’ve been quite horrible. And the thing is, of course by me saying he hadn’t talked to me and that she didn’t have to keep worrying and wondering anymore, most likely meant nothing because why should she believe anything I say, but I hoped it might provide SOME small amount of reassurance maybe. And also, the fact I didn’t reply to her email from the months before because we WERE still together, so this time the fact I DID write to her…that hopefully showed her this time really was different to all the others.

[wanting more]

It's not a "fun" thought. And although TOW BW is around her more than the BW from my A, she is really pushing her luck with me. Ive been her pinching bag so to speak, Ive listened as she's called me every name in the book. I've let her repeat some of the most insane scenarios of how I seduced her WH because he was just an innocent bystander ago got caught in my spells of indecency. I'm not doing it anymore. I'M not making her crazy, her WH is with all the bs he keeps telling her. Even my BSO told her she was a fool for believing what her WH told her. and xMM called me. I Stayed away after 2nd d-day, he came running back. Not me to him. And I do hear often on the infedelity boards about "the crazy OW" in my sitch, well maybe there's also some "crazy BS". Not all, but some. I've taken all I'll take from her. I live with my guilt everyday for the A.

Edited March 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[White Flower]

Been with ap since January 06, mm told bs about us almost a year and half ago. She has never contacted me even though she knows my name and number. She does however stalks me on Facebook which is ok with me.

 

I forgot to add that BW also stalks me at FB and I don't care. I did block done picks of us together when I began seeing a new man, out of respect for him, but if he weren't in my life I'd keep my history out there for her because she obviously wants to see it when she has some privacy. Not that she'll do anything about it.

[spice4life]

My A lasted just over a year both married, I was unhappy in marriage (husband is a great guy I just fell out of love with him over the years) I'm 27 MM is 49 and he was happy In his marriage - neither of us were in sexual relationship with spouses. We loved each other it was not fog/bubble whatever you want to call it.

 

Few weeks ago we were found out, his BS came barging into my home shoved my infant child out the way and we almost had a physical confrontation, she had not spoken with her husband yet (he was at work) it was her friend who spotted us together (she was suspicious for a long time) BS gave some phone calls, texts etc, me and husband split up after I confessed everything. BS came to my new apartment and asked me to leave town as her and her husband could not reconcile while I'm around. MM has text a few times apologising and saying how sorry he is about all the hurt that's been caused. Whole town was against me for a few weeks but its starting to wear off now. (My own family refused to speak to me when the news spread)

 

BS is everywhere I go I stopped shopping in town but she's in the next town shopping also ?? So I'm now shopping 30 miles away!! I'm getting phone calls 10x a day (when I answer they hang up)

 

Most recently (Friday evening) I was in local pub and she was there, she tried to get me removed (the manager told me) but I left as I could see the tension rising, that evening she was outside my house speaking on her mobile?? I turned guts out and went to bed.

 

The saga continues, and I'm just exhausted

 

Sorry for the T/J, but wow. Where the heck is her husband when she's doing this stuff? Sitting around with his thumb up his a** acting like a wimp? He needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility for his actions and reign her in for goodness sake. You've done all you can do at this point....he needs to do something to put a stop to it and pronto! So sorry TheOW that this is happening. My guess is that she is trying to make your life in that town impossible so you feel you have to leave. It may be time for a cease and desist (sp?) letter from an Attorney. If you have a divorce Attorney already then he can send one. It would send a warning that if this continues you will be forced to get a RO.

 

(((Hugs)))

 

Back to the topic. No, never had an experience with the BS.

[wanting more]

I read your situation, and I completely agreed with you. She isn't thinking logically and I doubt she has all the facts.

 

If her MM is feeding her all of this crap, do you think he enjoys the ego boost of watching her go crazy at the thought of the two of you? I believe you that he's doing it, I just have to wonder what he's getting from it. I do feel badly for you.

 

 

I've learned I know nothing about him. :-(. I thought I did but after the 2nd d-day I know now what I thought he was, is a lie. I don't know what he's getting from all this. And I do feel bad for her, but there's nothing else I can do. I offered enough proof that no one (except hom somehow) could deny that he was in the A for 3 years. And he happily was in the A.

[LFH]

I asked my exH's ow if she knew we were married and we had children. She knew and didn't care, so why exactly should I feel compassion for someone who can't scrape any up for my innocent children?

 

When she apologized and owned up to the pain she helped cause my family THEN I gave her compassion because she had some herself.

 

You get what you give, don't pretend this isn't common sense or unfair..

 

And if she'd placed her hands on your children you'd be screaming for her to be locked up... so that was kinda my point.

[AnotherRound]

And sometimes - people are just unstable - the situation around them doesn't matter. Sometimes, they just cope inappropriately and attempt to harass or attack another - regardless of their label, this is wrong, and punishable by legal force.

 

If someone is truly unstable - they can be evaluated at any hospital ER. If they don't meet the criteria for being mentally unstable then yes, they may go to jail, bc at that point there truly is no excuse for their behaviors of threatening, harassing, or attacking another person - no matter what they think they have the right to do.

 

So, imo, if someone attacks me, I take the legal route and how that ends up is regardless of my input. The OW after me in my situation was placed into a psychiatric ward during her "reactions" to finding out that exMM had decided not to be with her. She was in her 50s and should have known better - and was found to be mentally unstable, warranting a stay in a hospital to keep her, and others, safe. That's nobody's fault. But, if she was found to be stable and continued to choose to attempt to bully and/or harass someone - then she deserves to be in jail. It's a crime for a reason.

 

Thankfully, the wife in my situation is not unstable that way, nor am I. So, we had absolutely no confrontations. Come to think of it, neither did I and my exH's OW - we spoke on the phone once when I called her to let her know that I knew - it was a short convo, and nothing else came of it. Neither of us decided to follow the other around or take it to an unhealthy and dangerous level.

 

You can't excuse bad behavior because someone is upset - that's why the legal defense of legal insanity is rarely able to be used with any effectiveness - if there is any preplanning at all, it's a chosen behavior - not an action of passion. Nobody drives other people "crazy" - someone is unstable or they are not - they can deal with life or they can't - regardless of what is thrown at them. It's called resiliency - and if someone doesn't have it, it is sad, but it's not anyone else's fault that the other person can't roll with the punches of life like the rest of us have to.