ria305 Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 i been seeing this guy for about 3 months, we really like each other, but when i ask about being commited he always comes up with and excuse or says he is taking his time because he has been hurt in the past, i think he doesn't want to let me go because he really likes me, but at the same he's not ready or he doesn't want the responsability of a commited relationship so i wrote him this letter giving him an ultimatum, i just want your opinion and thoughts about my letter... Dear ******, I know this going to seem a bit out of the blue but is something that my intuition has been telling me to do for a while, or maybe is GOD putting this feeling in my heart for a reason, I been postponing it, I’ve tried to do it but you always come up with a “good” excuse to convince, but not this time I have to listen to what GOD has put in my heart, and specially this morning there was something telling me that I have to do this, basically what I’m trying to say is that we shouldn’t be involved anymore, you know I been through a lot, I know there are some things in life you have to go trough, you can’t go around them, you have to go trough them, but there are some things that we can avoid if we would stop and listen to what our heart is telling us to do, being involved with you is putting my feelings on the line, is putting me in a vulnerable position where I can easily get hurt, your not ready for a commitment right now, that’s fine, I can respect that, I didn’t get involved with you to mess around for a while because as you well know I’m not that type of woman, I got involved because I truly care for you and I really thought we were going somewhere, but I guess I was wrong. I’m not going to allow you to continue to string me along for another couple of months, I don’t want to hear any more excuses from you, you either come to me correctly or you don’t come to me at all, you either want to be in a monogamous relationship or you don’t, is that simple. If your just taking your time like you say you are you can take that time by yourself, or your just have to work on your jealousy issues, then you can time all the time you need, I’m not pressuring you in anyway, but don’t expect me to be involved while you take your “time”. We are Christians, Right?? We are supposed to be peculiar people; right now I think we are both sadly acting like the rest of the world, and we both know why GOD is not pleased with this situation, we should have known better, but we became weak, and GOD knows how very sorry I’ am. I don’t want to hear anymore excuses because I’m honestly tired of them, stop being selfish and be real with me, is either going to be YES or NO, whatever it is I want a solid answer, I don’t to feel confused anymore, remember that GOD is not the author of confusion. Either you want to make this work or you don’t, and when you do have an answer or know where you are going with this call me and let me know, other than that don’t bother to call me, and if your not ready for a relationship right know give me a call when you are, that’s if GOD has not put someone else in my way then we can give things a try. I also wanted to mention to you what I said on Sunday, I think I just got caught up in the moment, yea there are times when I think I love you, but a lot of times I know I care for you, so I realized I’m not in love because is not a constant feeling. Like I said before take all the time you need and call me only when you are ready to give me a solid answer. Sincerely, M**** Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 If its not happening for you, then let him go. You know what you need better then anyone else. You know that you need commitment, and you also know better then to try to change him into what you think he should be. Good for you. Let him go. There is better out there. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 I don't like the letter. It sounds like you are blaming him for the whole thing. If you are going to dump him, don't place blame. Just say, "I want a committment, you don't, therefore we want different things, so I'm going to move on to someone who can give me what I want and need." Don't go into all that he's making you vulnerable, bla bla bla, because that just sounds like you are BEGGING him to BEG you to come back. That whole letter is saying, "I'm going to dump you......unless you don't want me to....." It doesn't sound at all like you're in control. That whole letter will spell to him that you want him, but you are trying to make him prove to you that he wants you back, and that's phony. Tell him that you want a relationship, and if he doesn't, then you have to move on. Tell him that you want to be with him, but if he's not ready to committ, then you can't see him any more. Don't be so wishy washy. Demanding that he take you or leave you will be more apt to make him take you, than saying, "being involved with you is putting my feelings on the line, is putting me in a vulnerable position where I can easily get hurt, your not ready for a commitment right now, that’s fine, I can respect that, I didn’t get involved with you to mess around for a while because as you well know I’m not that type of woman, I got involved because I truly care for you and I really thought we were going somewhere, but I guess I was wrong. I’m not going to allow you to continue to string me along for another couple of months, I don’t want to hear any more excuses from you, you either come to me correctly or you don’t come to me at all, you either want to be in a monogamous relationship or you don’t, is that simple. If your just taking your time like you say you are you can take that time by yourself, or your just have to work on your jealousy issues, then you can time all the time you need, I’m not pressuring you in anyway, but don’t expect me to be involved while you take your “time”. " That's all *poor pitiful me....I cared about you, and you used me. Now, you better straighten up!* Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 i'm sorry if it sounds like that, no i'm not begging him to came back, if he doesn't want a relationship he can just say it clearly and no i don't want a relationship and i'll move on, like i said i just want a solid response, YES i want to be with you or NO i don't want to be with you, i don't want excuses like i'm taking my time because i been hurt or i have jealousy issues i have to deal with before i get in a relationship....and blah blah blah i don't want anymore excuses!!! YES or NO not in a little while or give me more time, not maybe!! Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 If you are going to dump him, don't place blame. Just say, "I want a committment, you don't, therefore we want different things, so I'm going to move on to someone who can give me what I want and need." Don't go into all that he's making you vulnerable, bla bla bla, because that just sounds like you are BEGGING him to BEG you to come back. That whole letter is saying, "I'm going to dump you......unless you don't want me to....." It doesn't sound at all like you're in control. That whole letter will spell to him that you want him, but you are trying to make him prove to you that he wants you back, and that's phony I agree with that comment. Thats exactly what the letter sounds like. It does sound like your saying choose but please pick me.. I also agree you should not blame. Just say, "I want a committment, you don't, therefore we want different things, so I'm going to move on to someone who can give me what I want and need." I also think you should write something along those lines instead of blaming him. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 And what about leaving GOD out of it. You cannot make him accountable to God only HE can - you know that. You are saying that to him to make him feel guilty about what YOU think GOD wants for the two of you. God wants us to conduct our lives according to the 10 Commandments. God wants what is best for us......that is not up to you to decide what is best for the two of you. If you feel in your heart of hearts that God is telling you to committ to this young man? then go ahead and committ to him, wait for him, be his friend......geez I wonder if God is testing YOU? to see if YOU are ready for a relationship. Hmmmmmm, without sarcasm.......now that's something to think about huh? Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 well he already received the letter yesterday, i haven't heard from him yet. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Originally posted by ria305 well he already received the letter yesterday, i haven't heard from him yet. If someone sent me a letter like that, I probably would never wish to speak to that person again in my life if I could possibly help it. I dislike ultimatums. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Why faux? I mean, why would a lette like that cause you to have that strong of a reaction...I myself have never rec'd a letter like that because I have either ended the relationship or wanted to be in it..I am not a real wishy washy person, so there has never been a need to receive one...but I have sent something similiar to a guy that kept calling despite knowing that I wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend and then whenever we would hang out, he would freak out and say he wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone and that it wasn't me....some people need a push and I think that likely this kind of stuff pushes them away, but if they are that easily pushed away just by someone sharing their honest feelings, then they wouldn't have likely been in it for the long haul anyways...that my opinion....What do the rest of you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Because letters are stupid. Write it all you want-get those feelings out-but tear it up. Do all that kind of thing in person. Oops I see you've sent it-sorry-if I got a letter like that from someone I'd been seeing for only 3 months, I probably wouldn't talk to them either. Sorry hon.... Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 I don't think her letter, or letters in general are stupid...I think quite the opposite, that it takes alot of courage to put your feelings on paper for the other person to see and that letters shouldn't take the place of talking, but can act as a sounding board for some difficult conversations that need to happen...I don't think she is wrong to expect a monogamous relationship after 3 months....I generally expect this after I have begun sleeping with someone.... Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 The letter sounds a bit crazy. Not sure whether you are saying God is angry at your bf for not committing to you. What does it mean to demand a commitment? Isn't a true commitment one that is freely given, not extorted by another person? Why not just hold back yourself until you are comfortable with what you are getting? That way you don't ever have to write a letter like this. I agree with faux. This letter is a huge turnoff. It is whiny and controlling, and the whole GOD tie-in makes it even weirder. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 i know this letter might sound crazy to you guys because you are not in my shoes, and you are not in the "relationship", if i thought that the letter was a turoff to this individual i would not have sent it, the story between me and this person is too long and crazy for people to understand, if was to sit here and write the story on how we me and the things in between i will be typing for several hours!!! this guy is very weird, he doesn't want to lose me (HIS EXACT WORDS) yet he can't make up his mind about being in a relationship, GIVE ME A BREAK!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Well then..........take a moment or two (however long you need) and write us the full story......you MAY be right..........maybe our opinions will change. This happens many times on Loveshack. A poster will give us a portion of the story and we all post negatively because we only have part of the situation. So give yourself a break and give us the whole story o.k.? Because as it stands right now you sound like you have been dating a guy for a mere 3 months and you want him to committ to marriage or something crazy like that. Even I would be offended if I was dating a fellow for 3 months and he gave me an ultimatum to either committ or hit the road........I would "hit the road" I don't need to be pressured into committing to someone. I can committ on my own time and if the other person did not respect my wishes; to take my time to ensure that I am not rushing into anything that will end the week after I committ....then I don't want to have a relationship with that person any-ways. I don't like being pressured into anything that is going to change MY life. There are many people on this planet of our who are addicted to "falling in love" they fall in love far too quickly but on the flip side of that???...they fall out of love just as quickly as they got into it. I call them "Love Junkies" So......I will be waiting for you story (without sarcasm) If you feel that we have judged you poorly.....then give us a good reason to change our minds. Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author ria305 Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 well is going to take a while to write up the whole story, but anyways listen to something he did like 3 weeks that i thought was crazy, i caught him in a lie (he told me he was going somewhere and he ended going someplace else), that really hurt my feelings because i didn't feel there was any need to lie, specially since were not in a relationship so he can do as he pleases, but if he did is because you have something to hide, so when i caught him in the lie i said to him listen i'm very upset because there is no was no need to lie and i think is going to be hard to trust you now specially since we are not even in a relationship and you are already lying so do me a favor and don't call me, me and you are done, guess what he did?? he said fine, i won't call you again!! five minutes later he's calling me back, so i don't anwser his phone call, he kept calling me and calling me and i wouldn't anwser, next thing i know he's knocking on my door (like 20minutes later)!! i open and i'm like why are you here he's well because i needed to talk to you and tell you in your face that no i'm not going to talk to you again (excuse) i'm like you could have said on the phone or left a voice mail, so i told him to go back home and leave me alone, i close the door, he comes back 2nd time, i tell him to go he knocks again a 3rd time, i tell him to go again, he leaves this time time only to call me on my cell phone and tell me to come downstairs to the parking lot, i refuse, he calls me again to tell me to go downstairs again, i refuse, he calls me again, i finally go downstairs, he tells me to get in the car so we can talk, he apologized, i'm like why did you go through all this?? he's like because i thought i was going to lose you, and i don't want to lose you! i'm thinking to myself, wait a minute your not ready for a relationship or you don't want a relationship and you say you want to lose me?? so i told him maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore he's "so you don't want to see me anymore" "what?? you don't like me anymore"?? shall i say confused fellaw who doesn't know what he wants?? Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 If you know from the start that he doesn't want a commitment (he's telling you this over and over again) then you shouldn't be upset when later on down the road he feels the same way. He's playing games and giving you mixed signals: really, that's all you need to know. Other then that, the rest of it is just you getting over him, and coming to the realization that he can't be what you need. You can't guilt someone into being what you need, whether you bring God into it or not. The fact that you even felt the need to write this guy an ultimatum (I don't like those, either) is a red flag. IF he was what you needed, you wouldn't have written it in the first place, right? Honestly, if he does take you up on the ultimatum, what is to say that down the line he'll break it off because he's not ready for it? Link to post Share on other sites
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