How do I shut off the worries in my head and just enjoy myself?

[Els]

I actually googled this, but most of the answers I got involved people who were actually worrying about very important long-term stuff, like jobs, finances, relationships, health, etc. For some reason I can usually compartmentalize those (with some effort) - but on the other hand I have issues with handling silly short term worries.

 

For example, I was out with the bf yesterday and it was a great day - great food, great activities, loved being with him, having fun all around. Then a niggling thought appears: "Did I bring an umbrella? It looks like it might rain. And we'll have to walk quite a distance back in the rain if it rains later tonight. I should have thought about that." I spend about 5 minutes ruminating on it, then decide that in the worst case scenario we can get one from the 24/7 store nearby. Short while later, another niggling thought appears. "Did I take my BC pill today? It'll be several hours late by the time I get back and that might mess up my cycle." 10 minutes of ruminating, finally reassure myself that I did actually take one but that I should put some spares in my purse for occasions where I do actually forget.

 

And that's just one example.

 

I feel I'm not enjoying life the way I could be with all these stupid worries. The worst thing is that I can't just turn them off. With long-term stuff like job problems, etc, I can tell myself that it's a long-term thing, there's nothing I can do now but I will do some work on it when I get back, etc, and that's that. With pertinent (but silly) short term stuff, it seems like I need a resolution of some sort before I can let it go. Sometimes, if there is no resolution, I can't let it go. Like, "Damnit, I didn't plan things properly, this was the wrong choice of clothes for today's activity. Now I'm going to be uncomfortable most of the day, what a waste."

 

And it happens ALL the time. Work, social outings, dates, sleep, sex. I can't recall how many times I've gotten up from bed to double check that all the switches in the house were off, even though I'd already checked before I went to bed. Guys who complain about the wife talking about whether or not she left the mayo out of the fridge while having sex? Yeah, I can see why someone would do that, because if you don't check then you're just going to ruminate about it all the time, so better just go put your mind at ease so you can actually get into things.

 

But something's not right if you need to do that ALL the time. I'm thinking there's just a simple solution here that I'm just missing. Like, "Just stop thinking about them!", except with a more specific plan of action for doing so.

 

Anyone?

[Infomercials]

Don't want to make it sound like I have any expertise here except my own experience, but I feel that way a lot, and recently I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I'm working through it at the moment, and I've seen some improvement. If you can, I think you should try to talk to a professional who can help you figure out what's going on. I believed that thinking this way was normal for everybody until recently, and I'm realizing how much it really affects my life now. Good Luck!

[Els]

A professional isn't an option for me at this point of time, for some rather unusual reasons that I can't disclose here.

 

How are you working through it, if you don't mind me asking?

[xxoo]

Try googling obsessive thoughts (the O part of OCD).

[Els]

I already have, xxoo. Most stuff that I get is clinical, though. Which I don't disparage and am in fact working on; however, the reason I asked on LS is because, in actual fact, I have gotten candid answers about issues from non-professionals before that didn't fall within the clinical framework of treatment, but were so blindingly simple that it actually worked. I purposefully didn't mention OCD at all, here, for that reason.

[xxoo]

Oh, ok. In that case....a glass of wine sometimes helps

[Els]

Oh, ok. In that case....a glass of wine sometimes helps

 

Thanks.

 

But does that mean that I have to drink each time I go out?

 

I think Raj from BBT tried that and didn't find it very workable.

[xxoo]

Have you tried consciously redirecting your thoughts? Since we can't focus on two thoughts at one time, we can force ourselves to stop thinking about something by forcing ourselves to think about something else. It helps to plan ahead what you will think about.

 

A date is a good opportunity to practice being in the moment. When your obsessive thoughts creep in, redirect to taking in everything you can sense in this moment. What can you feel? Hear? Smell? Etc

[Els]

Have you tried consciously redirecting your thoughts? Since we can't focus on two thoughts at one time, we can force ourselves to stop thinking about something by forcing ourselves to think about something else. It helps to plan ahead what you will think about.

 

A date is a good opportunity to practice being in the moment. When your obsessive thoughts creep in, redirect to taking in everything you can sense in this moment. What can you feel? Hear? Smell? Etc

 

That's a pretty neat idea.

 

One question, though. If I do manage to distract myself, and then something crappy happens that I could have avoided had I followed along my train of thought and planned ahead for it... how would I deal with that?

[xxoo]

Crappy as in we get rained on? Or something more serious?

 

Obviously, getting wet really isn't worth the worry. Getting pregnant is, so take a pen and write BC in your hand (writing a reminder to myself to check something later helps me let it go in the present), and check when you get home.

 

 

 

In the much bigger picture, accept that you can not control everything, and trust yourself to handle life as it comes to you. Age has helped me with that perspective more than anything else. We've somehow survived and thrived this long, and it is certainly not because I've been perfect in planning and prevention!

[Els]

Crappy as in we get rained on? Or something more serious?

 

Obviously, getting wet really isn't worth the worry. Getting pregnant is, so take a pen and write BC in your hand (writing a reminder to myself to check something later helps me let it go in the present), and check when you get home.

 

The BC was not even for pregnancy reasons, but rather because it helps my PMDD. But yes, I see what you mean. I should think about whether or not the possible ill results are worth the worry.

 

In the much bigger picture, accept that you can not control everything, and trust yourself to handle life as it comes to you. Age has helped me with that perspective more than anything else. We've somehow survived and thrived this long, and it is certainly not because I've been perfect in planning and prevention!

 

That's amazing advice. Thanks. Interestingly enough, now that you mention it, I see a lot of parallels to the quote in my sig, that I put up a few years ago when I was posting about my anxiety in relation to my then-LDR.

 

Curious question - do you genuinely never regret having planned beforehand (ie when you get caught in the rain, or when you get stuck walking a long way in wrong shoes), or do you regret it when it happens but just manage to not let it affect you to this extent?

[xxoo]

Curious question - do you genuinely never regret having planned beforehand (ie when you get caught in the rain, or when you get stuck walking a long way in wrong shoes), or do you regret it when it happens but just manage to not let it affect you to this extent?

 

Long term regret? No. It hasn't happened yet.

 

Regret in the moment? Sure! Especially with kids. We've gotten into some frustrating situations. But they are also the times that make such funny stories, and memories!

 

Planning is a skill, and a valuable one. But there are limits to what planning can do. Even with the best planning, unexpected problems can occur. So we also need to develop the flexibility, resourcefulness, and resilience to handle what life throws at us

 

My imperfection provides our children lots of opportunity to develop resilience And that's a good thing! (within reason, of course. They are undeniably well cared for--just not protected from every discomfort).

[Els]

Long term regret? No. It hasn't happened yet.

 

Regret in the moment? Sure! Especially with kids. We've gotten into some frustrating situations. But they are also the times that make such funny stories, and memories!

 

Planning is a skill, and a valuable one. But there are limits to what planning can do. Even with the best planning, unexpected problems can occur. So we also need to develop the flexibility, resourcefulness, and resilience to handle what life throws at us

 

My imperfection provides our children lots of opportunity to develop resilience And that's a good thing! (within reason, of course. They are undeniably well cared for--just not protected from every discomfort).

 

Ah, that makes a lot of sense. Growing up, my mom was a crazy planner, to the extent that she and my dad would spend an hour discussing in frustration the best way to lay out tomorrow's lunch plans. I used to tell myself that I'd never be like her, but nowadays I realize that despite my best intentions she seems to be rubbing off a bit on me.

[xxoo]

I used to tell myself that I'd never be like her, but nowadays I realize that despite my best intentions she seems to be rubbing off a bit on me.

 

Happens to the best of us

[KraftDinner]

Try googling obsessive thoughts (the O part of OCD).

 

This.

 

I do the same thing, OP -- about little stuff, not the biggies.

 

The funny thing about OCD is it's really misunderstood. Movies and such have made it seem like it always involves flicking light switches on and off or you think your family will die (think Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets).

 

But in reality, the O of OCD really refers to not being able to stop thinking about a certain thing.

 

And the C can be something like cuticle-biting or picking at your scalp or something.

 

But...it could also be generalized anxiety disorder (GAD),

 

Here's the thing -- there's no way to definitively prove either. You could be somewhere on the spectrum. Shrinks or therapists will come up with theories but doing your own research would probably be even more helpful.

 

I speak from a LOT of personal experience.

 

Cognitive behaviour theory (CBT) works for some, but many seem to find it short-term.

 

As for meds....the only stuff they prescribe for things in this spectrum is anti-depressants. Sometimes Lamictal, a mood-stabilizer, but this is not good to be on long-term. And brings on more anxiety over time, while introducing the risk of seizures.

 

Getting others' personal experience is really helpful. I always do lots of research before starting a new prescription. The side effects pamphlets that come with drugs are useless compared with reading message boards about personal experiences.

 

And I find doctors to be pretty unhelpful in this area.

[Els]

This.

 

I do the same thing, OP -- about little stuff, not the biggies.

 

The funny thing about OCD is it's really misunderstood. Movies and such have made it seem like it always involves flicking light switches on and off or you think your family will die (think Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets).

 

Yes!!! Movies tend to way overdramatize most psychological issues. Really doesn't help the people who suffer from them.

 

But in reality, the O of OCD really refers to not being able to stop thinking about a certain thing.

 

And the C can be something like cuticle-biting or picking at your scalp or something.

 

But...it could also be generalized anxiety disorder (GAD),

 

Here's the thing -- there's no way to definitively prove either. You could be somewhere on the spectrum. Shrinks or therapists will come up with theories but doing your own research would probably be even more helpful.

 

I speak from a LOT of personal experience.

 

I have been trying, yep. I will see a therapist when I can, still, but that will have to wait, and in the meantime I am still determined to work on it by myself.

 

Cognitive behaviour theory (CBT) works for some, but many seem to find it short-term.

 

As for meds....the only stuff they prescribe for things in this spectrum is anti-depressants. Sometimes Lamictal, a mood-stabilizer, but this is not good to be on long-term. And brings on more anxiety over time, while introducing the risk of seizures.

 

Getting others' personal experience is really helpful. I always do lots of research before starting a new prescription. The side effects pamphlets that come with drugs are useless compared with reading message boards about personal experiences.

 

And I find doctors to be pretty unhelpful in this area.

 

What solution have you found works for you, to deal with those thoughts?

[FitChick]

Are you a Virgo? Nature's worriers! Sounds like you just need to plan ahead more. It doesn't mean you are your mother. Do you want to be opposite to her in every way? Become a lesbian.

 

I like to plan ahead because I have LESS TO WORRY ABOUT! It saves time and I can get more done if I need to. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy life or walk around with a printed schedule and stopwatch.

 

And what's with people always suggesting drugs as a solution to everything? As if we are supposed to be happy all the time. Life happens.

Edited March 17, 2013 by FitChick

[Els]

Are you a Virgo? Nature's worriers! Sounds like you just need to plan ahead more. It doesn't mean you are your mother. Do you want to be opposite to her in every way? Become a lesbian.

 

:lmao: I'm not even sure that would be the opposite, tbh...

 

I like to plan ahead because I have LESS TO WORRY ABOUT! It saves time and I can get more done if I need to. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy life or walk around with a printed schedule and stopwatch.

 

I don't see anything wrong with planning ahead - at least, that isn't my concern. My concern is about constantly worrying about what I did and didn't plan ahead even when we're actually already out. I don't intend to be going out into a winter night with only a tube dress on anytime soon as part of 'spontaneity', but methinks I could strike a better balance. I just don't know how to.

 

And what's with people always suggesting drugs as a solution to everything? As if we are supposed to be happy all the time. Life happens.

 

I don't think anyone suggested using drugs here. Only Kraft mentioned them and she also said that she didn't think they were a good solution.

[Infomercials]

Hey, lots happening here since I this morning! It's OCD for me, and the intrusive thoughts are the worst part. I'm doing some therapy, and considering some medications, though I'm not on any at the moment. Giving it a name was pretty huge for me! Something I'm really working on for those small, annoying thoughts is mindfulness. I try to be really aware of what I'm doing instead of going through the motions. Sometimes, I when I do something that I know I'll worry about later, I try to do something to help me remember that I did it that day or that time. For example, when I lock my door, I'll consciously think of the date, where I'm going, what time. Then, when I worry about it, I have something else other than just the vague memory of locking the door that could've come from anywhere. Baby steps for me!

[Star Gazer]

Worrying won't change the outcome. Try to remember that. It helps me.

[Radu]

Worrying won't change the outcome. Try to remember that. It helps me.

 

This and becoming aware of the process unfolding is what helped me a lot both in this and other areas.

 

First time i got it when i was in the 4th grade and i drank from a glass that i half-suspected that someone else might have drank from.

I had heard beforehand from my mother about HIV and it being deadly [read some pamphlets on it too].

My reaction was quite normal ... i thought, i started thinking i will most certainly die, and started planning for it.

Now i know it came from my high level of anxiety about everything, something that would come in the future.

 

Today, i have a thing with preparing the house for departing.

I did not check the gas and unplug everything [not my house directly] so i was worried i would blow it up, so i went back to make everything is super sure.

Even went back when i knew everything was ok.

I got over it by making a mental checklist of things to do before leaving.

I follow it religiously.

 

Another thing i still do but i am in no hurry to change it, is that i synchronise my food.

Everything has to be divided into equal portions.

If i eat say a snitzel with a tomato, for every bit of snitzel there has to be one of a tomato.

I get sad when someone gets a bit of the snitzel.

Because i have to eat the equivalent piece of the tomato to make everything equal again.

I'd much rather they take the snitzel and tomato.

Why do i have to get stuck eating the damn tomato ???

 

Obviously the hardest to synchronise is the beverage with the snitzel.

The snitzel in itself is not the problem, it never was and it never will.

But the extras are always a problem.

 

My OCD is about this synchronizing of stuff.

I have to make sure that both of the car's mirrors are folded.

It can never be just 1 mirror folded.

 

When i go with the metro, i buy a 10 trip card.

It has to run out in 5 trips, one way and another way.

A month ago i got a 'treat' by someone, they keyed me in with their card because i helped them pass a test.

Off-course, the nr of left trips was now ... uneven.

 

The buses use an electronic wallet card thingy.

You have to recharge it with money.

I always am on the look out for that one time when i am left with 0 [zero] money on it instead of 0.1 something.

0.1 makes me think i'm losing out, i start getting preoccupied with getting another 1.2 added because then i will have 1.3, enough for a trip.

But how do i get back ?

so i need 1.2+1.5, to make it 2.5, and to not make it weird when i give the lady that charges the card 2 small bills and 5 small pieces of metal, that i might not have.

 

Anyway, i stop the thoughts by putting something on to listen or thinking how silly it is.

 

Maybe i should allow myself to become OCD about studying.

 

PS: I actually sympathised with Jack Nicholson's character in As good as it gets.

[freestyle]

What about yoga, or meditation?

 

Or one of the martial arts?

 

Those are all things that help you to train your consciousness to be in the present moment.

 

(instead of thinking of where you've been , or where you're going...)

[todreaminblue]

i am an eternal worrier , my hair started to go grey very early ....an over achiever........more pressure more worry, never satisfied with much that i do always feel i should do better, i get anxious quickly and have ocd tendencies, my family adn friends are supportive, always make me feel i have doen soemthing well even if i feel i havent, i listen to music, i go on walks and instead of the rubber band wrist flick, i flick my wrist while listening to music turn thoughts into movement to get them away from me.....sounds stupid but it works for me,i used to be on pretty heavy anti psychotic medication, they guinea pig me.........tried injections ended up being a cow producing estrogen at 300 times the norm........swapped em to zombie ville killed all desire for life in general, and i just existed for a few years.....i am medication free alive and kicking....and i pray a lot......i worry like crap about everything.....always will, it is part of me,the biggest thing i have come to realize is....i have to accept it and move on........worry is a form of paranoia with me, i worry then i get paranoid.......and when i am paranoid thats when auditory and visual problems occur........therapy helps.......its the only solution i can give that and faith in something that keeps you grounded , i have faith a fair bit....and through medication i have come to realize my faith is stronger than medication ever will be.......and i accept who i am...even when others dont accept me.....so i suggest therapy and speaking to a professional to define where your head is at and work from there.....deb

[whichwayisup]

Do you ever journal your thoughts? if not, try it and then read it. Maybe you can re-train your brain (*book alert -- Been There, Done That, Try This! By Sam Obitz.. go buy it and you can have your own mini CBT - cognitive behaviour therapy - at your own home whenever you need it) into processing your thoughts in a less worrisome way.

 

You go out and it looks like it might rain, forget that umbrella but are too far to go back home and get it. *Might* replace that with "I'll deal with it IF it rains" and don't let yourself think about it anymore. Distract yourself and think of something funny or a great experience you've had.

 

Most of what we all worry about is out of our hands and it's the antisipation worry that makes it so much worse than reality.

 

CBT can really help you cope with it all and retrain your brain in thinking and processing stuff in more positive way.

[Radu]

i am an eternal worrier , my hair started to go grey very early ....an over achiever........more pressure more worry, never satisfied with much that i do always feel i should do better, i get anxious quickly and have ocd tendencies, my family adn friends are supportive, always make me feel i have doen soemthing well even if i feel i havent, i listen to music, i go on walks and instead of the rubber band wrist flick, i flick my wrist while listening to music turn thoughts into movement to get them away from me.....sounds stupid but it works for me,i used to be on pretty heavy anti psychotic medication, they guinea pig me.........tried injections ended up being a cow producing estrogen at 300 times the norm........swapped em to zombie ville killed all desire for life in general, and i just existed for a few years.....i am medication free alive and kicking....and i pray a lot......i worry like crap about everything.....always will, it is part of me,the biggest thing i have come to realize is....i have to accept it and move on........worry is a form of paranoia with me, i worry then i get paranoid.......and when i am paranoid thats when auditory and visual problems occur........therapy helps.......its the only solution i can give that and faith in something that keeps you grounded , i have faith a fair bit....and through medication i have come to realize my faith is stronger than medication ever will be.......and i accept who i am...even when others dont accept me.....so i suggest therapy and speaking to a professional to define where your head is at and work from there.....deb

 

Good point about paranoia.

Most of my friends and family knows that i am the 'what if' guy, who is able to see into the future for possible bad things.

I must always have a plan, i must always overtly inspect each new device and gadged and to run it on a mental checklist to make sure that it is up to order.

I am the guy in the family who spots dents/hits on cars when they are microscopic.

I get invited to house do-overs because i am overtly critical about how things are done and i notice the bad patterns when they are worked at.

Just last yr i exasperated 3 teams of workers by pointing out errors.

 

I'm not sure that paranoia is a bad thing though.