I lied to my husband about my birth control & Now i'm paying for it!?

[SamaraG]

Towards the end of last year my husband kept talking about having a baby, I kept making excuses not to yet but through alot of persuading by him I came off my BC. When we argue there is a massive block of communication on my end & I really don't know why I won't allow myself to tell him how im feeling which leads to him getting frustrated with me. I have a full time job and with my husband being a firefighter I feel I don't see him enough! Although I would love a baby im not ready yet but i was afraid to tell him this, I'd decided to go back onto my birth control last month & didnt tell him that either as I didn't want to let him down I foolishly led him to believe i'd changed my mind.

 

On wednesday morning a little before he went to work, He came into the kitchen and threw my BC on the table in front of me and asked "why the f*ck I had this and half way through using it" Long story short, A huge arguement started between us, He was so angry with me I'd never seem him like that before, Mid way through the arguement he walked out the door to work. Since that he will not talk to me properly at all, He is short with me, If I walk into a room he'll walk out, Even at night in bed he is so distant and cold with me. Suprisingly last night we had sex but it was so different, He was very distant and there was no connection between us, He was also incredibaly rough with me during sex which he would never normally be, After sex he got up left the room without saying anything to me and went for a shower that was it! I started to cry, Im still pretty sore from it but I can't bring myself to discuss that with him. I know I brought this on myself & I hate that I did this but this is so out of character for him and I miss him! How can I make this right and get him to communicate with me? Please help me!?

[Nuala83]

You need to be kidding me... she lied about something as important as birth control to a man and you think he is abusing her?

 

Being rough with her during sex, saying nothing and walking out of the room afterwards, leaving her sore is very cruel.

 

Sorry but lying about something like that would be cause of divorce in many cases... OP having children is a very important decision, something that needs to be seriously spoken at the beginning of the relationship because if you don't want to have them and he wants he is in his right to decide not to be with you and look for a more compatible person! You can decide you are still not prepared to be mother, that is fine if he wants to wait but you can't lie about that... it is with cheating the worse you can do to a man!

 

If it was the other way around, if he didn't want a baby but she did and she skipped her birth control then that would be a legitimate reason for divorce IMO. So yes, this could be seen as grounds for divorce. What the OP has done is indeed deceitful but it wasn't done maliciously! It was down to poor communication more than anything. I'm not surprised her OH is acting so cold towards her, but that doesn't excuse certain parts of his behaviour either.

 

OP, yes you do need to talk with your husband about whether or not you want kids and how long to wait because if you don't want them for a long time, it's not fair to keep that from him and deny him the chance of fatherhood. If you do want them sometime in the near future but you want more togetherness with your OH first, you've got to find your voice and let him know this. Tell him you love him, you've been missing him and you want more of just him before you bring another life into picture.

 

You mentioned arguments. Do you fight a lot? You also mention not knowing how to get your point across in arguments and being afraid to tell him what you're really feeling. Frankly this is not the right time for the two of you to have a child. If the two of you can't communicate effectively as a couple, your relationship will crumble under the strain parenthood brings.

 

How do you make things right with him. Well first off I suggest you apologise sincerely to your husband for your deception. Then explain directly why you're not ready for a child yet but make it clear that you do want one eventually. Try not to get bogged down in emotion. Just figure out what points you want to make, find your voice and make them. Don't allow yourself to be persuaded into having a child you're not ready for and don't make excuses not to have one either.

 

If you can't do that. Another option might be to write down what you want to say to him in a letter or email. That would allow you to get your points across without interruptions.

[xxoo]

Does he have a history of getting scary angry and the silent treatment? Or is this new behavior specific to this situation?

 

That fastest divorce I've ever witnessed was a very similar scenario. The husband had been wanting children, and had been worrying over their failure to conceive, wondering if he could conceive, and when the truth came out that she had gone back on her pills.....the marriage was over that day. Immediate separation, and divorce as quickly as the law allowed. He was gutted.

[stillafool]

OP how old are you?

[carhill]

I know I brought this on myself & I hate that I did this but this is so out of character for him and I miss him! How can I make this right and get him to communicate with me? Please help me!?

 

Since it's out of character for him and you miss him, give him some space to cool off, even spending some time at your parents, a relative or a friend's house, and let him process this out.

 

Speaking as a man who always wanted children and who was unable to conceive with his wife, I'd be 'gutted' by such a dynamic. Back then it would have been 'cave time'; now, I'd ring up our psychologist and we'd get right to the bottom of the issue in a controlled environment. Safer for everyone.

 

Welcome to LS and good luck. This is a life lesson. I hope you learned something here.

[Nuala83]

I can very well understand that... I think is one of the lowest thing you can do to a man....

 

You've mentioned that twice now. I think lying about wanting children when you really don't is one of the lowest things you can do to a person. Man or woman! Let's face it, there are many women out there with husbands/partners who say "yeah I want a baby but give me a few years" and they stall and stall until eventually they say to the woman "Actually I don't want them ever and I never did." That can be absolutely devastating to a woman, particularly if she's in her mid to late 30's. It could effectively rob her of the chance to ever become a mother. This isn't just something women do to men. It happens to both sexes.

 

But the OP has stated that she does want kids with him! Just that she isn't ready right this second. If that is indeed true, then hopefully this should be resolvable and they can move on. So enough of the shaming.

Edited March 17, 2013 by Nuala83

[Lillyfree]

You've mentioned that twice now. I think lying about wanting children when you really don't is one of the lowest things you can do to a person. Man or woman! Let's face it, there are many women out there with husbands/partners who say "yeah I want a baby but give me a few years" and they stall and stall until eventually they say to the woman "Actually I don't want them ever and I never did." That can be absolutely devastating to a woman, particularly if she's in her mid to late 30's. It could effectively rob her of the chance to ever become a mother. This isn't just something women do to men. It happens to both sexes.

 

But the OP has stated that she does want kids with him! Just that she isn't ready right this second. If that is indeed true, then hopefully this should be resolvable and they can move on. So enough of the shaming.

 

stalling is different to taking BC on the sly.

i believe that a better analogy would be if a guy was pretending to try for a baby after he had a vasectomy.

 

OP, there's something very wrong with your marriage if you can't openly discuss something that important with your husband, and choose to deceive him instead.

my brother went through something similar with his SO. he was under the impression that they were trying for about a year... then it started eating away at him, he actually went and had himself tested (everything was ok)...

he was beside himself with worry that there was something wrong with either of them, but mostly he blamed himself.

then he found out that she was taking BC the whole time. needless to say, that was the end of their relationship.

[kamani]

I didn't read all the posts.

 

Not telling your husband about BC is wrong. However he is punishing you too much for this knowing that you suffer a lot. It appears that he wants to control you.

[Trimmer]

I'm going to separate the issue of his behavior from your not telling him about being back on the BC. I think trying to analyze whether your actions were "bad enough" to justify his behavior, is a waste of time. Let's disconnect those things.

 

As to his part in all of this, I can understand his having strong emotions; I can't justify or accept the behaviors he has chosen to display his displeasure.

 

Now as to your secret choice, let me point out that this was fundamentally a betrayal of trust. One might argue that this "isn't as bad" as if you had done the opposite - claimed to be on BC and gone off - as in that case, the secret decision you made would have carried with it the potential for lifelong consequences.

 

But in either case, the issue is that you outwardly engaged in a life-changing decision that couples consider to be the height of intimacy, bonding, and collaboration, yet secretly took the contrary action to what you had represented to him you were doing together: trying to get pregnant, apparently willingly and in good faith.

 

In his mind, that kills any of the intimacy and collaboration that he thought you had shared in the process. Dare I say it: he probably took it as a betrayal of trust. You put him on the outside of the decision, and not only did you not trust him to share your own feelings on this, but you negated the decision you had made together, and knowingly let him move forward with an incorrect perception of the situation.

 

I'll also point out that for those who suggest that it's not so bad because she wasn't feeling like she never wanted to have a child with him, that it was only for right now; we can see that objectively, but I suggest you put yourself in his position with only the information and perceptions he had available: at the moment he finds the BC, his whole perception of this intimate process - their pulling together, her willingness and good faith efforts, everything - is shattered. This process is about bonding, and that is broken. My first assumption, if my wife had done that, would be, "well, she doesn't want to have kids with me after all, then." And if she said "no, no, it's just for now", well, since the trust had already been seriously broken, I'm not sure how I would take her reassurances.

 

Finally, I don't want it to appear that I'm defending this guy in general. Let me reiterate that while I understand his strong emotions in reaction to this situation, I abhor the behaviors he is executing, regardless of any supposed justification for them. He needs to grow up and be humane, at a minimum, but that doesn't mitigate the seriousness of her behavior.

Edited March 18, 2013 by Trimmer
grammar

[BetheButterfly]

Towards the end of last year my husband kept talking about having a baby, I kept making excuses not to yet but through alot of persuading by him I came off my BC. When we argue there is a massive block of communication on my end & I really don't know why I won't allow myself to tell him how im feeling which leads to him getting frustrated with me. I have a full time job and with my husband being a firefighter I feel I don't see him enough! Although I would love a baby im not ready yet but i was afraid to tell him this, I'd decided to go back onto my birth control last month & didnt tell him that either as I didn't want to let him down I foolishly led him to believe i'd changed my mind.

 

On wednesday morning a little before he went to work, He came into the kitchen and threw my BC on the table in front of me and asked "why the f*ck I had this and half way through using it" Long story short, A huge arguement started between us, He was so angry with me I'd never seem him like that before, Mid way through the arguement he walked out the door to work. Since that he will not talk to me properly at all, He is short with me, If I walk into a room he'll walk out, Even at night in bed he is so distant and cold with me. Suprisingly last night we had sex but it was so different, He was very distant and there was no connection between us, He was also incredibaly rough with me during sex which he would never normally be, After sex he got up left the room without saying anything to me and went for a shower that was it! I started to cry, Im still pretty sore from it but I can't bring myself to discuss that with him. I know I brought this on myself & I hate that I did this but this is so out of character for him and I miss him! How can I make this right and get him to communicate with me? Please help me!?

 

Why do y'all have communication problems? I think that's the root of the issue. Y'all need to get counseling and figure out how to communicate with each other, so that you feel comfortable telling him that you're not ready for a baby yet, and so he will talk with you instead of be rough and distant.

[Els]

I think the only thing you can do at this point is to apologize for your lack of honesty once more, but to also assert your boundaries and say that enough is enough, you're not going to have sex with someone who is using it to abuse you anymore, and you are more than happy to talk to him about how to reconcile and make amends if he is willing. You were horribly wrong to lie to him, but he's equally wrong in his treatment of you.

 

That being said, yes, BOUNDARIES. Next time (whether in this R or the next), you don't let someone 'persuade' you to stop taking your BC and then lie to them about it. You have every right to not want a child at this point of time, and he needs to either accept that or walk - children are serious business and you two will do a child a disservice if you have them before BOTH of you are ready. Assert your boundaries as opposed to letting people walk all over them and then trying to deceive them.

[CarboniteCammy]

OP- I feel that your behavior towards your husband is unacceptable to the point that I would not blame him for divorcing you. In fact, if I were his friend, I'd encourage him to end the relationship with you on the basis that if you lie about this, who knows what else you're lying about.

 

His retalitory behavior is also unacceptable and he's obviously not handling his feelings of anger and betrayal very well.

 

I think the first thing you guys have to do is get into counseling and then decide whether you can continue on in the relationship. Once you decide that, then you both need to make amends to each other in some way.

 

Again, in his shoes, I'd probably just cut my losses and move on. I feel that what you've done is on par with cheating and definitely a deal breaker.

[wintersun]

I think that there are two sides for this story, and both valid.

 

OP shouldn't have lied. For me, trust and transparency is the main factor in a relation. If you told him the truth right from the beginning, it might upset him but it was his problem to deal with that. You would have made the right thing.

 

But, I think he is over reacting. There's no excuse on being aggressive.

[Nuala83]

stalling is different to taking BC on the sly.

i believe that a better analogy would be if a guy was pretending to try for a baby after he had a vasectomy.

 

I know that. I already stated that what she did was wrong in my first post, as did the OP! My point was that even though there's been a breach of trust, since she does want kids at some point, hopefully by apologising and learning to work on communication this can be fixed. Of course it's up to her husband but if she'd been doing this because she never wanted to have kids, it would be a lot worse and would almost certainly mean divorce.

 

A guy pretending to try for kids, knowing he's had a vasectomy is far worse! And certainly not a good analogy because a) He's undergone a procedure to ensure he can NEVER have kids which means that b) He doesn't EVER want kids. This is not the case with he OP because she DOES want them. It's deceit, but not on that scale.

Edited March 18, 2013 by Nuala83

[Survivor12]

Communication is the key...first, you didn't feel able to talk with him about your decision to go on BC then you didn't speak up about him having aggressive sex with you. If you can honestly answer the question about why you can't, you will find the root of your problems.

 

-Is your H generally controlling or has he been abusive? Are you afraid of him?

-Do you lack confidence in making your own decisions?

-Do you have a history of abuse (childhood or previous relationships) that causes you to fear being punished for speaking up?

-Are you very young?

 

Without knowing more about why you chose to lie about the BC and more about your relationship dynamics, it is impossible to get a fair understanding of your situation.

[Nuala83]

OP- I feel that your behavior towards your husband is unacceptable to the point that I would not blame him for divorcing you. In fact, if I were his friend, I'd encourage him to end the relationship with you on the basis that if you lie about this, who knows what else you're lying about.

 

 

Again, in his shoes, I'd probably just cut my losses and move on. I feel that what you've done is on par with cheating and definitely a deal breaker.

 

Personally I feel that people are being overly dramatic and way too harsh on the OP by putting what she did on a par with cheating. Really??? You don't think having sex with another person is a far greater betrayal?

 

People really are too quick to walk away these days. No wonder the divorce rate is what it is. Nobody seems to want to work things out anymore. A person makes a mistake and then it's a case of "see ya! I'm cutting my losses." If the OP had done what she's done because she never wanted to have kids, then yes, divorce would be fair. But for this....it seems unnecessary.

 

"I have a full time job and with my husband being a firefighter I feel I don't see him enough! Although I would love a baby im not ready yet but i was afraid to tell him this, I'd decided to go back onto my birth control last month & didnt tell him that either as I didn't want to let him down

 

I know I brought this on myself & I hate that I did this but this is so out of character for him and I miss him! How can I make this right and get him to communicate with me? Please help me!?"

 

This is not a loveless marriage. What she did was not done maliciously or with intent to hurt and she expresses deep remorse and regret. But still people would advise the man to leave her.

Edited March 18, 2013 by Nuala83

[Nuala83]

...I should add that the couples age comes into this as well. Depending on how old they are, that could be a reason in his anger.

[thatone]

Towards the end of last year my husband kept talking about having a baby, I kept making excuses not to yet but through alot of persuading by him I came off my BC. When we argue there is a massive block of communication on my end & I really don't know why I won't allow myself to tell him how im feeling which leads to him getting frustrated with me. I have a full time job and with my husband being a firefighter I feel I don't see him enough! Although I would love a baby im not ready yet but i was afraid to tell him this, I'd decided to go back onto my birth control last month & didnt tell him that either as I didn't want to let him down I foolishly led him to believe i'd changed my mind.

 

On wednesday morning a little before he went to work, He came into the kitchen and threw my BC on the table in front of me and asked "why the f*ck I had this and half way through using it" Long story short, A huge arguement started between us, He was so angry with me I'd never seem him like that before, Mid way through the arguement he walked out the door to work. Since that he will not talk to me properly at all, He is short with me, If I walk into a room he'll walk out, Even at night in bed he is so distant and cold with me. Suprisingly last night we had sex but it was so different, He was very distant and there was no connection between us, He was also incredibaly rough with me during sex which he would never normally be, After sex he got up left the room without saying anything to me and went for a shower that was it! I started to cry, Im still pretty sore from it but I can't bring myself to discuss that with him. I know I brought this on myself & I hate that I did this but this is so out of character for him and I miss him! How can I make this right and get him to communicate with me? Please help me!?

 

You can't. You can't make him do anything. You can't expect him to tell you what you want to hear when you give nothing in return.

 

He is treating you like you have treated him.

 

So you need to pick a time and ask to talk to him, and going into it you should expect him to say nothing. You need to talk about everything, including the baby/birth control. You need to be honest. You need to apologize for nothing being honest in the past.

[thatone]

As others have stated, I'm surprised you two are married. I have left ex girlfriends, either consciously or subconsciously, for behaving as you are behaving. There is nothing more frustrating than dealing with a woman who flatly refuses to speak her mind and/or lies when she does.

 

It reeks of dishonesty and deceit, and makes being with them intolerable.

[CarboniteCammy]

The only reason the OP is upset is that she got caught. She would not have come clean on her own. Yes, it is like cheating, thankyouverymuch.

 

That is a HUGE betrayal in my mind and you can cheat without physically doing anything with anyone else. Cheating the OP out of a child (btw a decision that should have been mutual and the OP made her husband believe that it was mutual) is one and the same as cheating in any other way.

 

You're welcome to think and feel otherwise, and the husband did over react. BUT that doesn't make the OP's betrayal any less painful or harmful.

 

I personally wouldn't want to be with someone so deceitful and who had so much trouble communicating and standing up for themselves. If she'd lie and hide this, imagine of their marriage went south. What else would she hide and lie about? An affair?

 

You could spend your whole life wondering what if, but the bottom line here is that trust has been broken and it's up to the OP and her husband to figure out what they want to do. I can only give my opinion, but I'd leave her.

 

Marriage isn't for the faint of heart! It's not for wimps and back peddlers. It's HARD!

[carhill]

Engaging in behaviors/actions which, if performed in front of one's spouse/SO, would cause them distress/feeling disrespected/feeling betrayed, are cheating if those behaviors/actions are purposely and deliberately hidden from the spouse/SO. In this case, the cheating surrounded deception regarding birth control and desire/willingness/actions to become pregnant. The husband, unwillingly and without full disclosure, was denied the ability and potential to form an offspring.

 

My advice for 'cave time' comes from an innate understanding of the male mind and the 'tapes' which can trigger from such acts. People can get killed in such instances. Right? Absolutely not. Real? Yep. Mess with the elemental aspects of a man's biology at your own risk. He'll cool off. Once that occurs, see what's left and address the issues as appropriate. If nothing is left, move on.

[ver13]

OP IMO if both you and your H have acted badly throughout this whole ordeal. He can't continue to treat you like he has nor you continue to decieve him about having a baby. That being said all the talk about you guy's communicating better in your relationship is just that talk. Right now no matter what you say to him he won't beleave you the BC is all that he can see and hear right now. MC might help you if he is willing to attend but in the long run it will come down to when are we starting this family. This is very important to him and if your not willing to do it right now let him go find someone that will. M is about choices, each one of us choose's everyday what it means to us and now far we are willing to go to stay in it. All the talk about boundaries and such is just talk, we have to choose everyday what and where our priorties are and how much they mean to us. You both have different view's on what and where the M needs to go. M is about compromise, yet sometimes this is not possible for either partner. This is okay you just need to look at it, accept it, and be prepared to move on.

[Trimmer]

People really are too quick to walk away these days. No wonder the divorce rate is what it is. Nobody seems to want to work things out anymore. A person makes a mistake and then it's a case of "see ya! I'm cutting my losses." If the OP had done what she's done because she never wanted to have kids, then yes, divorce would be fair. But for this....it seems unnecessary.

First, like with the cheating analogy (and I'm not claiming they're identical, but they have some commonalities) this wasn't a "mistake" in the sense of an accident, or a good faith decision that turned out poorly. This was a flat out deception, a decision made to act completely opposite of what was, on the surface, a mutual decision.

 

Secondly, you're basing your opinion of her situation and the gravity of her decision, on her word that she really does want to have kids some day. At this point, if you were her husband though, based on her actions (louder than words?) you might be wondering if she really feels otherwise and is just putting you off and postponing the showdown. Oh, she wouldn't do that, you think? That's exactly what she just did in this case, until it was discovered.

[Nuala83]

this wasn't a "mistake" in the sense of an accident, or a good faith decision that turned out poorly. This was a flat out deception, a decision made to act completely opposite of what was, on the surface, a mutual decision.

 

When people make bad decisions and later regret them, they call them 'mistakes', they don't call the 'deceptive decisions that turned out poorly.' Lets not get bogged down in definitions here because it detracts from the matter at hand.

 

Secondly, you're basing your opinion of her situation and the gravity of her decision, on her word that she really does want to have kids some day.

All we can go on is what the OP has written in her thread. Why come on to an anonymous forum looking for advice, lay bare what's gone on and then lie about one aspect of the story i.e. about wanting a baby someday. What use would that do her???

 

At this point, if you were her husband though, based on her actions (louder than words?) you might be wondering if she really feels otherwise and is just putting you off and postponing the showdown.

 

I agree. Her husband might very well feel that way. That's why the OP has to be able to communicate to her husband exactly WHY she did what she did and work on gaining his trust. After some cooling off time of course. I agree with that bit of advice about 'cave time.'

Edited March 18, 2013 by Nuala83

[ver13]

I agree. Her husband might very well feel that way. That's why the OP has to be able to communicate to her husband exactly WHY she did what she did and work on gaining his trust. After some cooling off time of course. I agree with that bit of advice about 'cave time.'

 

Based off of what the OP has said about his reaction and behavior in this M issue she is in no position to communicate anything. The BC and all that came before the discovery makes it sort of hard to say " This why I did this and now we need to work on trust issue's". I agree with cooling off but the OP has to choose what it is that she wants out of the relationship. Right now all he can see are the pills and hear all the chatter about "Yes I want to have a child with you and I'm willing to work on it for our family. Some choices in M are deal breakers to either partner and they are never the same after. The OP needs to put some serious space between her and H right now the rough sex stuff is from anger. He isn't ready to talk right now with words but his action say everything she needs to know.