I lied to my husband about my birth control & Now i'm paying for it!?

[CarboniteCammy]

Mistakes are, "Oops, I backed into the garage." Deliberate decptions are lies, not mistakes.

 

The OP did not accidentally forget to take her pills, or some such. That would have been a mistake. The OP deliberately took her pills to keep herself from getting pregnant and decieved her husband into believing that she wanted the same thing that he did.

 

Where do you see a mistake there, Nuala? I'm just curious, because what I see is a woman who was caught being deceptive and who otherwise would have kept on being decptive until she felt ready to have a baby.

 

The only reason she came clean was because she got caught.

 

Intent is everything. It's the difference between murder and manslaughter.

[Nuala83]

Mistakes are, "Oops, I backed into the garage." Deliberate decptions are lies, not mistakes.

 

The OP did not accidentally forget to take her pills, or some such. That would have been a mistake. The OP deliberately took her pills to keep herself from getting pregnant and decieved her husband into believing that she wanted the same thing that he did.

 

Where do you see a mistake there, Nuala?

 

Since a lot of people don't understand the definition of a mistake, I'll make it clear. A mistake is defined as an action or decision that was misguided or wrong. So her mistake was to stop taking her birth control pills without letting her husband know that shecwas doing so and she was doing.so because she wanted more alone time with him and wasn't ready for a baby. She didn't tell him because she didn't want to let him down. But not telling him was wrong. Do you understand the mistake now?

[Nuala83]

Well I completely understand what you're saying. ENA?

 

I'm really put off by no one caring about 'rough sex' aspect of this, or of her sitting alone crying afterwards. What a lonely horrible feeling she must have had. And the men that have been actingas if things are fine and 'shedeservedit' No, no one deserves to be sexually used and physically hurt. No one deserves to be left alone suffering.

 

Could not have put it any better myself

[Nuala83]

The OP has obviously realised that there's no point coming back on here. And I have too. ENA is enotalone. Probably not allowed to mention that on here because I might get reported. Oh no!!

 

"He was also incredibly rough with me during sex which he would never normally be, After sex he got up left the room without saying anything to me and went for a shower that was it! I started to cry, I'm still pretty sore from it but I can't bring myself to discuss that with him."

 

That segment above makes me so incredibly sad and the fact that some of you out there unashamedly state that you don't feel sorry that she received that sort of treatment or that she deserved it?!....That's beyond upsetting. For all I keep hearing about "how a man feels" there's very little mention of how this sort of behaviour makes a woman feel. For all that she did wrong, this was not deserved! That was degrading. But because she can't bring herself to discuss it with him, she's even more of a liar apparently...

Edited March 18, 2013 by Nuala83

[xxoo]

That segment above makes me so incredibly sad and the fact that some of you out there unashamedly state that you don't feel sorry that she received that sort of treatment or that she deserved it?!....That's beyond upsetting. For all I keep hearing about "how a man feels" there's very little mention of how this sort of behaviour makes a woman feel. For all that she did wrong, this was not deserved! That was degrading. But because she can't bring herself to discuss it with him, she's even more of a liar apparently...

 

Deserve to be physically hurt? Absolutely not. But "rough sex" is a little vague, and sex does require communication of what is ok and what isn't. I've been sore after drunken "rough sex". I definitely wasn't abused.

 

Leaving her after to take a shower was insensitive, but not abusive. He's emotional, she's emotional. They are both handling their emotions poorly.

 

She should definitely not have sex with him again until they talk it out.

[Lillyfree]

The OP has obviously realised that there's no point coming back on here. And I have too.

 

"He was also incredibly rough with me during sex which he would never normally be, After sex he got up left the room without saying anything to me and went for a shower that was it! I started to cry, I'm still pretty sore from it but I can't bring myself to discuss that with him."

 

That segment above makes me so incredibly sad and the fact that some of you out there unashamedly state that you don't feel sorry that she received that sort of treatment or that she deserved it?!....That's beyond upsetting. For all I keep hearing about "how a man feels" there's very little mention of how this sort of behaviour makes a woman feel. For all that she did wrong, this was not deserved! That was degrading. But because she can't bring herself to discuss it with him, she's even more of a liar apparently...

 

whoah, let's not be throwing toys out of prams and leaving in a huff just because people on a discussion board disagree with us. it would be pretty boring if we all had the same opinion...

 

i do feel sorry that there are obviously two people in a marriage who can't communicate about fundamental things.

i feel sorry for him that he can't discuss his hurt and anger with her, and is instead showing it the way he is.

i feel sorry that she can't be honest with her husband about whether she wants to have children and when, and chooses to deceive him instead.

 

those two have serious problems and need counselling. and both are in the wrong.

i'm not going to say to the OP 'there there, he had 'rough sex' with you so you are the victim here'. she needs to understand the damage she caused to her marriage AND to her husband.

Edited March 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP -

 

It started as an inability (of yours) to communicate.

It was followed by your betrayal of trust.

That caused his angry reaction, and your subsequent hurt.

 

OK, we're up to date now. Your only path out involves communcation, pure and simple.

 

Have a "His needs of you. Your needs of him" discussion. I think, let him go first as you owe him one.

 

If you can't bring yourself to talk, call it a day and take a few years out to grow up, both of you.

 

Good luck with your decision and strength of will.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

You got confused, you lied, you got busted, he got angry, you got hurt.

 

OK we're up to date now.

 

FFS - communicate! Have a "What do you want from me? What do I want from you?" discussion. I recommend you demonstrate some class here, and let him have the floor first.

 

You are getting the point, that betrayal of trust kind of yanks the rug from under the relationship.

 

Neither of you knows what to expect. He certainly doesn't! So tell him what you want. And if you don't know what you want then share that. Warning - don't expect him to trust someone who doesn't know what they're doing, or why. We guys tend to like an understandable deal. Too bad for us, so many of us like women!

[standtall]

No, no one deserves to be sexually used and physically hurt. No one deserves to be left alone suffering.

 

Wow...that is a bit of a dramatic overstatement isn't it? People argue and make each other cry all the time..it's called life....deal with it.

[KatZee]

Oh FFS everyone is acting like the OP had a damn hysterectomy. It's freaking birth control, you come off it and you get pregnant again. There is OBVIOUSLY some back story as to why she felt too scared to tell her husband that she didn't feel ready for a child.

 

Poor communication from both ends? Absolutely. Poor coping methods? Absolutely. OP definitely didn't deserve being treated the way she was. Roughed up and left hurt after sex. Seems husband needs to grow up and handle things in a more adult way. Hurt? Say so. Instead he seems to be instilling even more fear into his wife.

 

He's behaving spitefully with a "Oh you lied to me so now I'm going to get back at you!" He needs to grow up, and they both need to learn to communicate with each other better. Treating someone like s.hit just to punish them isn't going to solve the issue.

[Nuala83]

Some of you women don't see right from wrong when siding with a fellow woman... You can side with someone for her sex whatever she has done you know? That tell me that you hate men ... how do you like my way of revolving your statement

 

By the way and to let it clear to both of you, if you take the time to look through my postings you will find many where I take the women side... specially if it has something to do with infidelity...

I am not a blind one sided character... can you say the same?

 

My problem is that you're only seeing things in black and white. Actually, almost everyone here myself included have said that what the OP did was wrong. Correct? Most of us myself included believe the husband has a right to be hurt. Correct? But unlike you, we've picked up on the fact that the OP said that she was afraid to talk to her husband. Which is what caused this whole mess in the first place. Also, I think it's a real shame that web a woman admits to wrong behaviour, behaviour that hurts her her husband, she's absolutely vilified! Whereas when the husband causes deliberate hurt to his wife in return, he is apparently completely justified and the woman is told to 'grow a thicker skin' because she deserves it.

[Got it]

Seriously? Have you ever dealt with someone like OPs husband? I have, and it IS abuse. He isn't just giving the silent treatment.

 

What she did is take some birth control. OOOOO!! What a devil woman!@!! Big deal. She didn't want to have a kid with this jerk. Wonder why. He's a baby that storms around and abuses when he doesn't get what he wants.

 

My first comment was that she shouldn't have lied. I moved on because she already knows that. She didn't post here to ask if she should have lied. Why would I go on and on about that? There are plenty of men on here that are willing to say that her not letting him create a mini-me was the most awful thing anyone's ever done on the planet. It isn't - not by a long shot.

 

Her husband is abusing her. He isn't just giving her the silent treatment.

 

Your wife is a lucky woman if you think having way too rough, angry sex is good, and leaving her alone crying afterwards is fine. Very lucky. Oh, she also said it was so rough she was still sore from it. Leaving that out intentionally? But what he's doing is just fine.

 

I don't need a thicker skin - you need to admit some guys are @ssholes, and her H is one of them. It's called Emotional Abuse. Just because you don't believe it exists doesn't mean it isn't true.

 

Seething, I think abuse needs to show a pattern. If this is the only time he has behaved in this manner I don't think it is technically abuse.

 

I also think that there are some parallels to the trust betrayal that happens with affairs and I don't think it is uncommon for a betrayed husband to have rough sex (or rougher than normal) to reclaim what they thought was theirs. I think women have posted doing the same.

 

OP - I do agree that there are major communications issues here and I think that this situation is actually a very good one to come up now prior to you two having kids. If this is a pattern in your relationship, if this is a pattern with you, etc. now is an excellent time to address it.

 

I think your husband is understandable upset but there is a certain threshold that is allowed. Put down your boundaries, if you need to talk, etc. and go from there. I would proactively set up a counseling session and ask him to join so you guys can talk this through. Right now you have probably hit his ego and his heart and he is still licking his wounds. If you feel that his behavior is overstepping your boundaries you need to speak up. I think you need to speak up in general. Why are you not speaking your mind? Is this something that has been an issue with you in general? Just your husband? Just this situation?

 

Good luck OP.

[CarboniteCammy]

I don't think that the husband's behavior was ok. At all. The fact that he can treat his wife like a piece of meat to punish her speaks volumes to some very severe problems in the relationship.

 

I do not think, however, the the OP is some innocent school girl in this scenario and I do feel that she betrayed her husband in a very bad way.

 

They are both wrong and they both need counseling, IMHO.

 

I can't say why she didn't tell her husband she wasn't ready for kids. Was it due to him potentially being abusive? Perhaps. But, I don't know that for sure. It could also be the OP shies away from conflict in general and have nothing to do with her husband.

 

We don't know.

 

I do hope they get the help that they need.

[William]

As the thread starter apparently is unable to/not interested in interacting with our members nor responding to any questions, as evidenced by them being a new member with one post, thread closed. They can alert on this post if they wish further comment or to add further input. Thanks for your participation.