Why Can't I Get Angry at Him?

[Techie Artist]

I am married almost 10 years and have twin children by spouse. As of today, we merely coexist in the same house. We have little interested in common, and we come from different backgrounds that actually make us incompatible. He's unemployed for 33 months after losing a decent job. He has a history of clinical depression and anxiety, which I did not know the extent prior to marriage or children. No job makes it worse. He's 10 years older, obese, and not the most motivated to improve his health. He spends money as soon as it's in the bank, so I've had to make a separate account for my income. I pay all bills. He's opened credit and I've had to call the cards to cancel. He took money from the kids' savings! I want to kick him out, but he's got no other family, no savings, and he IS my children's father. He does manage the household, but I have to fuss for a balanced dinner, a clean house, and progress on repairs. There is no sex...it was never great, and for the past 2 years I've not been interested whatsoever.

 

I have to admit to loving but not being in love. I'm being loyal and honoring my vows, but I'm miserable. It's gotten past arguments to apathy. I'm attending counseling and making progress to clarify my thinking. I've read about Controlled Separation, but I have questions. Anyone done it? I asked my spouse to seek counseling, but he hasn't. It's been 2 weeks. I also gave him a "truth be told" letter, which he read and talked to me about. We didn't get to finish, but agreed to return to it. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but I think there are SO MANY issues he has to deal with (like 2 years worth!) that I don't want to wait. Plus, I'm in my prime. I need affection, attention, and appreciation. If I let things go as they are, I feel like I'll drown.

 

Is this too much for Controlled Separation? Thanks!

[Tony T]

You are getting none of your needs met and you are getting a lot of aggravation, disappointment and a big child in the deal. I am personally not a big fan of divorce. It causes a lot of pain most of the time. However, in your case I think it would be a joy. Since he won't take counseling seriously, you may need a session or two so you can go through a divorce without feeling guilty or depressed...the go through with it. You aren't really in a marriage now except on paper.

 

You are correct, you are in your prime. Why waste that time on what it an unproductive, unjoyful, failing situation that holds no hope for improvement. You made one mistake by getting into it. Why extend that by remaining rather than making a mid-course correct to your life. Yes, I suppose there may be some measure of pain...the loss of what might have been. But the worst case of depression and loneliness you could possibly endure will never be as bad as what you are going through now.

 

Bless you and good wishes for the strength to get your life back on track and put some enjoyment and cheer back into your life.

[unsettled3]

Aside from kids and a few other things I feel like I am exactly in your shoes. Mine has not worked in up to 4 years (now is working but not steady) and never really held a decent job.

 

I believe it is best to separate but I can't picture actually doing it. I feel like I am putting his needs above mine.

 

I don't know what to say to help just wanted you to know your not alone

[Techie Artist]

Thank you for your feedback, Tony T. My gut was telling me to cut my losses, and I was going to ask my therapist at next appointment whether she thought the same. She told me "I've seen it a thousand times...they don't think you're serious until it's too late," which I think was a hint. I also wrote in the book she gave me to read "Should I Stay or Should I Go" that 'the two couples closest to my situation ended in divorce. What is this telling me?' Also, I can actually visualize a happier existence without spouse, and I'm told that is a big deal. The hardest part is the impact to the kids. It's heartbreaking.

[Techie Artist]

Hi, Unsettled. Thanks for reaching out to me. I'm sorry we are kindred sisters in this sad marital regard. My spouse worked all his life until layoff. Made almost $100k. I make enough to sustain the household, but it's a TOTAL lifestyle change as you probably can imagine. I don't miss "things" and "stuff." I just want my kids to have a stable home. That means mommy has to be healthy in all aspects. I'm glad your spouse has some income to help your situation, especially since he's got work in the bad economy. Money helps, but it's not the solution. I see you have other posts...will check them out. I encourage you to make choices to honor yourself and what you know is right.

[Gunny376]

I don't know how to say this other than to say?

 

Life is just too damn short to waste your Life!

 

And this is coming from the "relativity" of someone who's 55?

 

Ignorace is curable!

 

Stupdity ISN'T!

 

Life is HARD!

 

Its HARDER if your STUPID!

Edited March 10, 2013 by Gunny376

[phillygirl]

I am married almost 10 years and have twin children by spouse. As of today, we merely coexist in the same house. We have little interested in common, and we come from different backgrounds that actually make us incompatible. He's unemployed for 33 months after losing a decent job. He has a history of clinical depression and anxiety, which I did not know the extent prior to marriage or children. No job makes it worse. He's 10 years older, obese, and not the most motivated to improve his health. He spends money as soon as it's in the bank, so I've had to make a separate account for my income. I pay all bills. He's opened credit and I've had to call the cards to cancel. He took money from the kids' savings! I want to kick him out, but he's got no other family, no savings, and he IS my children's father. He does manage the household, but I have to fuss for a balanced dinner, a clean house, and progress on repairs. There is no sex...it was never great, and for the past 2 years I've not been interested whatsoever.

 

I have to admit to loving but not being in love. I'm being loyal and honoring my vows, but I'm miserable. It's gotten past arguments to apathy. I'm attending counseling and making progress to clarify my thinking. I've read about Controlled Separation, but I have questions. Anyone done it? I asked my spouse to seek counseling, but he hasn't. It's been 2 weeks. I also gave him a "truth be told" letter, which he read and talked to me about. We didn't get to finish, but agreed to return to it. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but I think there are SO MANY issues he has to deal with (like 2 years worth!) that I don't want to wait. Plus, I'm in my prime. I need affection, attention, and appreciation. If I let things go as they are, I feel like I'll drown.

 

Is this too much for Controlled Separation? Thanks!

 

Techie...I think I just met my twin flame

 

Seriously, much of what you wrote (sans the unemployment) describes my M.

 

You asked for my advice, and here's what I can offer:

 

PLAN YOUR EXIT STRATEGY!

 

He's not a baby, nor will he end up on a gutter trickin' for his next meal. He's just unable to get his a$$ in gear, because he has YOU as his "sugart*t!"

 

While I can attest that depression, et al. are major, what if any steps has taken to address it? Also sexual dysfunction will never improve unless HE is not willing to address the issues. And..... you are KILLING yourself trying to keep your M and family afloat.

 

Trust me, the thought of D is scary, but how scary is a lifetime with someone who leaves you unfulfilled?

 

Also, I often question what type of relationships do we model for our children when we remain with dysfunctional partners?

 

As my mama said, "I can do bad by my damn self!"

 

Much love, sis...I don't get it either...and I feel ya...

Edited March 10, 2013 by phillygirl

[phillygirl]

I don't know how to say this other than to say?

 

Life is just too damn short to waste your Life!

 

And this is coming from the "relativity" of someone who's 55?

 

Ignorace is curable!

 

Stupdity ISN'T!

 

Life is HARD!

 

Its HARDER if your STUPID!

 

 

BTW, Mr. Gunny speaks truth! You have to read through the metaphors he posts (I personal love them) :-), but in the end, it's great advice.

[imtooconfused]

I believe it is best to separate but I can't picture actually doing it. I feel like I am putting his needs above mine.

 

I too am in a similar situation. I feel for Techie and unsettled, because there are no good answers, simply pain in either direction.

[Mr. Lucky]

I asked my spouse to seek counseling, but he hasn't. It's been 2 weeks.

Why not MC? It's designed to resolve the issues in your marriage, and one of those resolutions can be separation/divorce. But the real beauty is that it gives you a structured and scheduled opportunity to speak your mind. Your spouse can't delay, ignore or pretend he doesn't hear you. Might make your process faster and path clearer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mack05]

I really don't get how some people let things get so bad before deciding to do something about it. Why not tell him years ago that the marriage was making you unhappy. Why not list the things (that make you unhappy) out to him clearly and suggest if he doesn't make more of an effort that you may end up leaving. Why weren't you in marriage counselling years ago?

 

Sure his behaviour is totally unacceptable, but so is your communication. If you stated clearly how unhappy you were then I apologise in advance, but from your story above it does not appear you have. It seems you become slowly more and more unhappy and did little to try and rectify that. You looked at reasons to leave, inside of working on ways (with him) to stay.

 

Did you ever mention anything about his weight? Some people think this is quiet a taboo subject, but I would have no problem if my partner suggested I lose some weight. In fact I would be quiet motivated by it. Sure it is not nice to hear BUT if its delivered in the right way it can be the kick up the ass your partner might need. It's certainly better then her up and leaving suddenly one day and me not entirely sure as to why.

 

Phillygirls advice on planning an exit strategy! Are you kidding me with this!? No wonder divorce rates are so high when people have this kind of attitude. Leaving should only be a last resort after you have done everything you possibly can to save the marriage. By not communicating clearly your level of discontent, you haven't done everything to save your marriage IMO.

 

If you have stated CLEARLY (on a few occasions) that you are very unhappy and that you may consider leaving, if he doesn't change his ways then you can leave guilt free. If you communicated your sadness and he did nothing to change, then he will probably never change and you will end up more and more sad.

 

What is sad about this is that clearly you have reached the point of no return. I only wish people would communicate their sadness clearly before reaching this point. I see so many female LS posters talking about planning their relationship exit well in advance before telling their partner. This part of the female psyche drives me mad!

 

I didn't believe you have to have loads in things in common to make a marriage work. My parents are proof of this. I think if couples learned how to communicate and compromise effectively breakups would be vastly reduced.

 

It's clear your mind is made up you are going to leave. You now need to tell your husband..Being a martyr for him won't help either of you. He needs to want to help himself and beat his depression/demons. It's not up to you to find ways to help him, only he can do this. Otherwise he will suck all the life out of you and you will wonder where your life went. You will become more and more bitter. His issues are having a huge effect on the marriage and your kids. He either wants to overcome his issues or stay the way he is. If he stays the way he is, you need to get your kids away from him. His influence will only have a negative effect on them and this will get worse over time.

 

It's time to sit him down and lay all this out on the line but as I said this should have been done years ago, when it might actually have made a difference. If he blames you or says he is not interested, then he is a coward and you need to move on from him.

Edited March 11, 2013 by Mack05

[Techie Artist]

Also, I often question what type of relationships do we model for our children when we remain with dysfunctional partners?

 

Phillygirl, thanks for weighing in. Hearing objective perspectives on this makes me less guilty about my inner voice to pack and go. The guilt for the effect on the children is heartbreaking!! Yes...the children and our modeling are scary to me. I have a boy and a girl, and I don't want either of them to think that a loveless "roommate" situation is healthy. They're quite intuitive and are already acting out in minor ways. This has to be nipped in the bud.

[Techie Artist]

Why not MC? It's designed to resolve the issues in your marriage, and one of those resolutions can be separation/divorce. But the real beauty is that it gives you a structured and scheduled opportunity to speak your mind. Your spouse can't delay, ignore or pretend he doesn't hear you. Might make your process faster and path clearer...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks, Mr. Lucky, for your input. The counseling I referred to was MC. I have my own. I think spouse needs his own, but WE need MC like yesterday.

[Techie Artist]

I really don't get how some people let things get so bad before deciding to do something about it. Why not tell him years ago that the marriage was making you unhappy. Why not list the things (that make you unhappy) out to him clearly and suggest if he doesn't make more of an effort that you may end up leaving. Why weren't you in marriage counselling years ago? Sure his behaviour is totally unacceptable, but so is your communication. If you stated clearly how unhappy you were then I apologise in advance, but from your story above it does not appear you have. It seems you become slowly more and more unhappy and did little to try and rectify that. You looked at reasons to leave, inside of working on ways (with him) to stay.

 

I really appreciate your detailed reply, Mack05. I did communicate these things, orally and in writing. Because he "checks out" when I bring up issues, I found that I internalized my dissatisfaction over time rather than "making him listen". I accept responsibility for that. I should have requested MC sooner. Keep in mind, my tolerance grew shorter under the pressure of his unemployment. As he sat, I grew more resentful and lost respect for him. I've tried encouragement, expressing dissatisfaction, offered to have him run my side business, lighting a fire under him with words, and threatening to kick him out.

 

Did you ever mention anything about his weight? Some people think this is quiet a taboo subject, but I would have no problem if my partner suggested I lose some weight. In fact I would be quiet motivated by it. Sure it is not nice to hear BUT if its delivered in the right way it can be the kick up the ass your partner might need. It's certainly better then her up and leaving suddenly one day and me not entirely sure as to why.

 

When he got laid off, I recommended he do something about his weight since I have good medical coverage and he (33 months ago) had the time to work out or recover from surgery if that's what he chose. Because he's about 6'4" and 500 lbs, I recommended surgery (I would do it if I weighed that much). He accused me of "pushing {him} into a dangerous surgery where {he} could die." I argued that being so obese was a daily death sentence, but he ignored me. At that point, I knew he wasn't ready and might never be. I bought smaller dinner plates to discourage overeating. I've asked him to walk with me and the kids after dinner, but he won't go. I have a fairly active lifestyle, but he chooses to sit at home and watch TV or play games.

 

I see so many female LS posters talking about planning their relationship exit well in advance before telling their partner. This part of the female psyche drives me mad!.

 

I can't speak for any other woman but myself. I believe that I have been clearly communicating my issues. However, I've not been so good at communicating my disappointment and loss of respect when spouse repeatedly failed to meet my expectations. That's a big part of it...you can't force someone to meet your expectations...either they do or they don't. It's kind of babyish to have to tell a grown man that they've disappointed you. All they hear is their "mental parent's" voice as a scolding remark.

 

A couple weeks ago I wrote a detailed letter with all of my feelings, and spouse read it. He sat with me to talk about it, said he didn't want a D, and said he'd go to MC. This was encouraging, but he just isn't following thru. So, like a mama, I asked him yesterday WHEN he was planning on making the MC appointment...if at all...and that I was concerned that it was taking this long to make the call.

 

At this point, I'm waiting for MC so he can take part in the decision for the improvement timeline. I'm thinking 2 months for some major progress is fair. Agree...it will kill me slowly if nothing changes. I'm not going to drown!

[Mack05]

wow 500 pounds is not just obese its actually dangerously obese.

 

Thank you for clarifying your story. I really feel for you and if I was 75% on your side before, that is a lot higher now. Your husband clearly has lost all sense of direction in his life. It's fine saying you don't want an divorce, but he needs to put into actions that he doesn't want a divorce.

 

I read so many threads about guys making changes only for them to be told that it is too late. He is talking about change, yet doing nothing to show you how much this marriage means to him. He seems to be getting further and further from reality with each passing day.

 

I had bad depression issues a few years back. My family kept saying I needed to do something and I would say "I will, I will" but it take me to hit rock bottom (some time later) before I finally started backing up with words with actions..

 

Clearly his self esteem is completely shot. If he doesn't do something soon he will go past the point of no return. The harsh reality is he has probably past that point. That alone is very sad. He doesn't love himself anymore and if that is the case how can he be part of a happy healthy relationship?

 

Ok you have communicated your stance and nothing has changed. Maybe you should tell him that if nothing changes in two months, that you and the kids will leave? This will give him two months to seriously start getting his act together. If he doesn't then he can't complain if you and the kids leave.

 

I think for me Techie the big question is this....Is it too late? Even if he makes a huge effort, is it already too late?

Edited March 11, 2013 by Mack05

[Yasuandio]

Can I ask you, Techy Artist, how would you respond to a sucessful gasrto-bypass surgery? And, too, how do you think he would respond?

 

Regarding second question, I have heard some stories where the slimmed down patient turns to other substances to sooth their " food addiction," such as alchohol. Also there are occasions where the patient still uses food, in a liquid form, to just gain the weight back. Is your husband the type of person that would fall into a second addiction post op?

[Techie Artist]

wow 500 pounds is not just obese its actually dangerously obese.

 

Thank you for clarifying your story. I really feel for you and if I was 75% on your side before, that is a lot higher now. Your husband clearly has lost all sense of direction in his life. It's fine saying you don't want an divorce, but he needs to put into actions that he doesn't want a divorce.

 

I read so many threads about guys making changes only for them to be told that it is too late. He is talking about change, yet doing nothing to show you how much this marriage means to him. He seems to be getting further and further from reality with each passing day.

 

I had bad depression issues a few years back. My family kept saying I needed to do something and I would say "I will, I will" but it take me to hit rock bottom (some time later) before I finally started backing up with words with actions..

 

Clearly his self esteem is completely shot. If he doesn't do something soon he will go past the point of no return. The harsh reality is he has probably past that point. That alone is very sad. He doesn't love himself anymore and if that is the case how can he be part of a happy healthy relationship?

 

Ok you have communicated your stance and nothing has changed. Maybe you should tell him that if nothing changes in two months, that you and the kids will leave? This will give him two months to seriously start getting his act together. If he doesn't then he can't complain if you and the kids leave.

 

I think for me Techie the big question is this....Is it too late? Even if he makes a huge effort, is it already too late?

OMG. Two months was exactly what I was thinking. However, I have the same question "will change make a difference?". I thought that the love we began with would allow him to blossom in a safe place. Without knowing the clinical depression part early on, I may have had too much faith in him to overcome his self esteem issues. I had no idea they were so deep. Also, being a traditional girl, I didn't have sex with him before marriage. It's not easy (or varied) with such a big guy. I'm not so sure (based on my experience) that this is good teaching for a girl. You kinda need to try before buy. :/

[Techie Artist]

Can I ask you, Techy Artist, how would you respond to a sucessful gasrto-bypass surgery? And, too, how do you think he would respond?

 

Regarding second question, I have heard some stories where the slimmed down patient turns to other substances to sooth their " food addiction," such as alchohol. Also there are occasions where the patient still uses food, in a liquid form, to just gain the weight back. Is your husband the type of person that would fall into a second addiction post op?

 

Great question and thanks for asking, Yasuandio. I never thought this question thru because it never seemed to be a viable option for spouse. (I'm thinking out loud here, so forgive me.) There are 3 factors: health, social acceptance, and sex.

 

Regarding health, I think the weight loss (without any other replacement addiction) would help ensure his longevity and overall self image. I have nightmares about him falling ill in the house and emergency workers not being able to lift him. Worse, I imagine that I'll just have to cremate him for lack of a casket and pall bearers to manage the body! If he enjoyed his physical self, I think he'd be less guarded emotionally and would let others into his heart...including me. It would also make him more engaged with the children, which could have positive effects for years to come.

 

As for social acceptance, this would change our lives. He shys away from public events because of chair size and general discomfort. When we do go on the rare outing, I mentally plan where we'll sit and how to avoid the occasional rude waiter make a statement about him not fitting in a booth.

 

As for sex, I think I would be more physically attracted to him and intimacy would be more enjoyable. Without being rude, there are VERY limited positions with a guy this size. It's boring. So a more flexible body might add some spice. I do know that the skin remains can be a problem, but this is secondary to getting the life-threatening weight off.

 

Finally, I know folks who've had the surgery and turned to other substances or habits. It's a real problem. Do I think he would? I don't know what the triggers are for these addictions. I guess I'd have to insist that he go thru the counseling that comes with the bariatric surgery.

[Mack05]

OMG. Two months was exactly what I was thinking. However, I have the same question "will change make a difference?". I thought that the love we began with would allow him to blossom in a safe place. Without knowing the clinical depression part early on, I may have had too much faith in him to overcome his self esteem issues. I had no idea they were so deep. Also, being a traditional girl, I didn't have sex with him before marriage. It's not easy (or varied) with such a big guy. I'm not so sure (based on my experience) that this is good teaching for a girl. You kinda need to try before buy. :/

 

This is a tough situation. I really think (in general) you need to exhaust all avenues before leaving a marriage and breaking up a family. I guess the final decision comes down to you. Can you gain that respect back, that trust back, that love back if he transforms his life around? Only you can answer that question.

 

The thing is to transform his life around will require years of hard work, let alone months. That hard work involves a huge about of physical, emotional and mental effort. Does he have the discipline and motivation to do this? Based on his past it's highly doubtful. You need to factor this into your final decision.

 

You wonder what will happen to him if he is alone. It's very concerning, however he is not your responsibility if you do decide to split. By choosing his path, he made it impossible to be part of a happy marriage. People who are slap bang in the middle of depression are very selfish and very deluded. He seems to think marriage is a life long commitment, but that only works IF both stake holders put the hard work into a marriage as a 'team'. Even then forever is not guaranteed.

 

Techie you need to figure out if it's too late. Some real tough decisions you need to make in the near future (haha sound like Yoda there ). Maybe counselling might not save the marriage, but it might help him going forward. I fear for his physical and mental health if you leave. It's a burden no one deserves. I'm sure there were area's of communication you could have improved on over the past few years, but there is only one reason he is in the mess that he is -> HIM..

 

He has such a long road back. If you don't want to be there to support him (and no one would blame you if you didn't) then you need to let him know as soon as possible. In my experience when a woman talks about leaving, the final straw has already broken the camels back..

 

I think you leaving will make him hit rock bottom. Two things happen when this occurs. You get the wake up call you need and fight your way out of it, becoming a better and stronger person or he completely self destructs..That is a HUGE burden on one person. I think counselling for you both together (whether the marriage can be saved or not) is a must..

Edited March 11, 2013 by Mack05

[GuyInLimbo]

The hardest part is the impact to the kids. It's heartbreaking.

 

This is always the hard part, and usually drags things out longer. I always felt the same way. but, sooner or later, you realize that the example you are setting for your kids by settling for someone who makes you unhappy is actually worse for them, long-term, than staying for their sake.

 

 

I agree with what you said at the end re: bariatric surgery. I think it's a terrible procedure. The reason people are fat, 99% of the time, is psychological. Unless you deal with that, problems will return.

 

In the long run, having 90% of your stomach removed introduces other physical problems. That's also well-known. I think it should be banned.

Edited March 11, 2013 by GuyInLimbo

[Techie Artist]

This is always the hard part, and usually drags things out longer. I always felt the same way. but, sooner or later, you realize that the example you are setting for your kids by settling for someone who makes you unhappy is actually worse for them, long-term, than staying for their sake.

 

 

I agree with what you said at the end re: bariatric surgery. I think it's a terrible procedure. The reason people are fat, 99% of the time, is psychological. Unless you deal with that, problems will return.

 

In the long run, having 90% of your stomach removed introduces other physical problems. That's also well-known. I think it should be banned.

 

So I'm certain that the current relationship is misery for all involved. And I won't stay for the "sake of the kids" in the sense of so-called stability. That's a delusion.

 

My understanding is that "bariatric" covers all types of surgery (lap band, stapling, bypass). I don't know which one spouse's doc would recommend. I also know that they require counseling. While they probably address the psychological elements, they probably don't do a deep dive like spouse needs.

 

He was told by his mother that he was a "mistake baby," from when his parents were about to break up. No one can tell me that such a statement from your own mother isn't defining of one's mental health! Because of mere birth, he was resented by other family members, including father, grands, and two much older brothers. In my own unschooled analysis, he's living "larger than life" in order to proclaim his place in the world.

 

In contrast, a friend thinks he has a death wish. His father died when he was 15, and all of his family was dead by his 35th birthday. He is rather death obsessed. Case in point, he can calculate exactly how old each of his family members would be on any given day of the year. He relates events to deaths of people. It's eerie. My friend thinks he wants to die to be with his family, so he subconsciously eats himself into oblivion.

 

Both theories are interesting, but need to be "root caused" by a professional. I can't do that.

[phillygirl]

I really don't get how some people let things get so bad before deciding to do something about it. Why not tell him years ago that the marriage was making you unhappy. Why not list the things (that make you unhappy) out to him clearly and suggest if he doesn't make more of an effort that you may end up leaving. Why weren't you in marriage counselling years ago?

 

Because life is not that overly simplistic; and most do TRY to work things out. Also, culturally MC is more accepted by some than others. I'm sure Techie HAS informed her H that she has significant issues. To assume she hasn't is a bit judgemental IMHO.

 

I see so many female LS posters talking about planning their relationship exit well in advance before telling their partner. This part of the female psyche drives me mad!

 

Once more, you assume that women who plan to leave their M have NOT spoken with their spouse about the issues, which precipitated her departure. In addition, I don't think leaving a M PRIOR to telling a partner is gender exclusive.

 

 

It's time to sit him down and lay all this out on the line but as I said this should have been done years ago.

 

Once more, there is an assumption she did not.

[phillygirl]

Phillygirl, thanks for weighing in. Hearing objective perspectives on this makes me less guilty about my inner voice to pack and go. The guilt for the effect on the children is heartbreaking!! Yes...the children and our modeling are scary to me. I have a boy and a girl, and I don't want either of them to think that a loveless "roommate" situation is healthy. They're quite intuitive and are already acting out in minor ways. This has to be nipped in the bud.

 

 

Yep!

 

My kids now know that their dad and I do not sleep together. For the first couple of months, it was "daddy's on call, so he needs to sleep in the guest room." Now, it's just "daddy's in his room."

 

We are cordial, yet we are more like roomates.

[phillygirl]

Because life is not that overly simplistic; and most do TRY to work things out. Also, culturally MC is more accepted by some than others. I'm sure Techie HAS informed her H that she has significant issues. To assume she hasn't is a bit judgemental IMHO.

 

 

 

Once more, you assume that women who plan to leave their M have NOT spoken with their spouse about the issues, which precipitated her departure. In addition, I don't think leaving a M PRIOR to telling a partner is gender exclusive.

 

 

 

Once more, there is an assumption she did not.

 

 

I posted my reply before I saw that Techie has clarified and you had responded. Disregard.

 

Mea Culpa.

 

Best-

[Mack05]

Phillygirl in this situation I choose to assume, as I was looking for extra information, which I turn got. If you read my post carefully which you clearly did not, you would have seen I apologised in advance if I was wrong. My posting style was to garner more information from the OP. Assuming in scenario's like these, is not always negative. In this situation it helped me gain a far better understanding of the OP's spouse and his/their problems.

 

I could give you the name of female posters and links to their threads, who have admitted they have emotionally checked out well in advance of a breakup, leaving their partners shocked when they leave. This is common practice amongst many women (and of course men). It's happened to me. There is no assumption there. It comes down to poor communication and a poor way of handling conflict.

 

Now I couldn't be assed going back and forth with you. I have learnt over the years if you have a personality clash with someone to just leave it be, as you can't fill a cup which is already full.