Why Can't I Get Angry at Him?

[thefooloftheyear]

You've removed him from being the man.

 

You set the rules. He follows your rules - you get mad he follows yours rules.

 

He's mooching off you - I get that. But you allow it by not divorcing him.

 

It's obvious you need to be in charge.

 

I would find any M that far out of balance very unappealing.

 

Agree....

 

No self respecting man would ever do this..

 

TFY

[Act Two]

If he had a job and a means to earn his own money would you regain respect for him? It seems pretty emasculating to depend on you for even spending money...that's got to suck all around.

[Techie Artist]

Update: I was on my best behavior today. I made sure the kids had cards for him, made breakfast, and cooked food for a Father's Day cookout at a friend's house as we do each year. Before breakfast, he insisted on a kiss...like nothing is wrong. I gave a peck because the kids were watching.

 

He's had 2 interviews in the past month. One was probably a waste since we think the search was a formality. However, it was good experience to brush up. He said he was stuttering and nervous. Second interview was Friday. He was having difficulty passing the typing test, but eventually did in order to move thru the process. No word yet. Next interview is this coming Friday.

 

I need him to get a job so I can move on without getting raked over the divorce coals.

[Techie Artist]

I awoke in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. Nothing happened, but here I lay, alone. I feel lonely, unloved, and frustrated. I tried to pray. The silence is deafening. My husband is in another room...has been for more than a year now. Claims it's my snoring. Found out my snoring is mild. It's more like a purr and really because he cant get back to sleep from his own erratic sleep patterns. Once again, it's supposedly my fault.

 

None of this matters to me anymore, as I would cringe if he attempted any form of intimacy. I'm just far too lovely to persist in this way. I should have a guy that adores me, holds me, enjoys my company, and makes me feel special.

 

I am tempted to make a dating profile, but I know it's premature. I just need some human interaction that builds me up. Plus, I have yet to file for D, so it is the wait. My H is interviewing now, so I pray he gets this job. If not, I'm gonna have to rethink my strategy. I don't want to pay for everything!

 

Thanks for listening...whoever you are.

Edited June 30, 2013 by Techie Artist
clarify

[2sunny]

I hope you will take the action necessary to make changes you need.

 

This isn't living.

 

He's never going to take that step - it's up to you.

 

Let go of your guilt and shame. It's not useful or productive.

 

I hope you rest well.

[Techie Artist]

Thanks 2Sunny. I have been reading my thread again. I feel really stupid for being in this whole situation. I'm too damned nice. I was hurt by the feedback a few posts ago where I was being slammed for being nice. There I was trying to help spouse feel good about himself and to save face on vacation, and it's turned into my being some kind of control freak. This house is totally out of control, except that I am responsible to work and pay bills and educate/entertain the kids. What a slap to my face!

 

I know that a paragraph is a sad summary of the millions of data points in my life. Maybe I'm not taking enough time to write a good explanation. Maybe because I'm being "too considerate" of the reader's time. :/

 

Maybe I need to get pissed off externally and not give a damn about anyone else's feelings. I've got a decade of wrath

[Techie Artist]

Hmmm is not because he lost his job that you started. seeuing all those red flags?

 

No, Cherry. Red flags were everywhere. Some were my fault, but I have owned them. My counselor said that I have put in the work to save the marriage, and all is up to spouse now. At this point, he could make $200k per year and I would still walk. In fact, that would make it easy. I freaking welcome that!

 

The loss of his income was an agitator or an amplifier. It showed just how out-of-balance things were emotionally AND fiscally. It exposed his inability to manage money, to save, and to make sound judgments. If you can't pay the car insurance, you stop the Xbox subscription or the pay-to-play games! I played the good wife for years while he sneakily put us into $12k debt! Thank God that I checked our account when I did, else we would have missed mortgage the next month! So, I took over the accounts and bills. I paid off the debt, reduced services and extras, and am current on all bills.

 

So, no, the flags were there. My blind trust as a wife was foolish. My faith was I'll placed. I was a fool for allowing a fat guy into my life without questioning why he's so fat. It never occurred to me to buy crystal ball to see that he'd be prone to depression and stop bathing. This is the crap friends don't tell you about before you marry. I wish someone would have told me just how "worse" the "better or worse" could be. And I'm lucky. At least he doesn't beat me.

 

Going to watch the sun rise. Maybe that'll help.

[TaraMaiden]

"Whatever you put Energy into, will Grow."

[Techie Artist]

"Whatever you put Energy into, will Grow."

 

Tara, I agree, but only if it's a living thing. I am emotionally done, so the energy I am putting in has to do with self and children now. If you water a dead plant, it will decompose and the water will spill out. That's how I feel about the marriage, and that's why I'm done. I'm wasting good water (energy) no longer.

[TaraMaiden]

Not so.

You misunderstand the quotation.

 

Whatever you've been putting into it, has helped the energy expand.

 

Something doesn't have to be alive to have energy.

Energy is always there, whatever the subject.

 

Energy is not something that can be exhausted, created or destroyed.

It can only be expanded, channelled or manipulated.

 

Everything you have put in - positively, he has absorbed and exploited - negatively.

Cancer cells are negative, but they multiply when certain conditions arise, to enable them to multiply.

 

You now have to withdraw that supportive energy - from him - and focus it where it is most required: on you.

 

And sooner, rather than later.

[imtooconfused]

I was hurt by the feedback a few posts ago where I was being slammed for being nice. There I was trying to help spouse feel good about himself and to save face on vacation, and it's turned into my being some kind of control freak.

 

The advice you get on LoveShack can be really good, but some of it can be really, really bad. Therefore you must take everything with a big grain of salt.

 

"Whatever you put Energy into, will Grow."

 

Tara, I agree, but only if it's a living thing. I am emotionally done, so the energy I am putting in has to do with self and children now. If you water a dead plant, it will decompose and the water will spill out. That's how I feel about the marriage, and that's why I'm done. I'm wasting good water (energy) no longer.

 

I do think TaraMainden understands your point. If these aren't exactly her words, they are mine... I think you should focus your energy on something that still can grow so that you can watch it flourish. Your children are a great first step, but you need something for yourself too.

 

EDIT: I stand corrected on TaraMainden's post. My feelings still stand as they are.

 

Lastly, I am sorry that your problems are causing you to loose sleep. I have been listening all along but haven't known the right words to say.

[Techie Artist]

Not so.

You misunderstand the quotation.

 

Whatever you've been putting into it, has helped the energy expand.

 

Something doesn't have to be alive to have energy.

Energy is always there, whatever the subject.

 

Energy is not something that can be exhausted, created or destroyed.

It can only be expanded, channelled or manipulated.

 

Everything you have put in - positively, he has absorbed and exploited - negatively.

Cancer cells are negative, but they multiply when certain conditions arise, to enable them to multiply.

 

You now have to withdraw that supportive energy - from him - and focus it where it is most required: on you.

 

And sooner, rather than later.

 

I understand the quotation now. Yes, this vortex I've given energy to (him) has been exploited with the exception of my beautiful children. I will continue to remove my positive energy from his greedy consumption and refocus it on me. I sure need it. Thanks for the explanation, Tara.

[Techie Artist]

The advice you get on LoveShack can be really good, but some of it can be really, really bad. Therefore you must take everything with a big grain of salt.

 

I do think TaraMainden understands your point. If these aren't exactly her words, they are mine... I think you should focus your energy on something that still can grow so that you can watch it flourish. Your children are a great first step, but you need something for yourself too.

 

EDIT: I stand corrected on TaraMainden's post. My feelings still stand as they are.

 

Lastly, I am sorry that your problems are causing you to loose sleep. I have been listening all along but haven't known the right words to say.

 

Imtooconfused, thanks for chiming in. I know it's sometimes hard to know what to say. I often observe posts myself.

 

Yes, the children receive the best of me. They want for nothing...other than what I cannot rightfully give them alone...That is, a healthy married couple as parents since only half of us is trying. Even though they are fully cared for, I mourn what they're about to endure. And I am still coming up short in the 'cared for' department. I am trying to live a purposeful life, and the kids are only a facet, albethey extremely important, of my life. Before they arrived I was worthy of care and joy. After they grow and move on, I will deserve love and concern. Even now, I have to figure out how to love myself when I was trained on loving my husband yet getting so little in return.

 

I'm withdrawing, and he senses it. Questions it. I don't answer him because it's too late to fix and I don't want to argue to the point of requesting a divorce I'm not ready to move on yet.

 

I made a chiropractic and massage appointment for next week and took off July 5 to extend the weekend. This'll be something just for me!

 

By the way, my vacation in Florida was not so great. My son was very sick to the point of hospital on his birthday. The rest of the family took my daughter to Disney. I was stressed out the whole week and was exhausted from nursing him. My husband nursed him, too, to his credit. So much for saving over 6 years for a nice vacation!

[imtooconfused]

It really is a shame that your big vacation did not go so well. Especially for the son who was sick. You may have missed out on Disney, but I am sure your daughter will remember her visit for a very long time, and in my mind that makes it worth it.

 

There is a thread on here that I have been following called http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/402066-staying-marriage-kids-right-thing-do and the consensus is that the children will suffer in more in a bad marriage more than if the parents divorce. So if the reason that you feel you are not ready is to protect the kids, it may not in their best interest to stay if things are so bad.

[Techie Artist]

Hi, TooConf. Yes, I've made up in my mind that although the kids will be devastated, this D will help them both in the long term.

 

I've been having long conversations with my H. I'm not indicating that I want out yet. I've been letting him talk so I can get a feel for how to approach the declaration of wanting D.

 

We were talking about the kids being disrespectful, and he said something like, "I don't know what's going on between us, but I'd never let the kids be disrespectful toward you." This indicates to me that he is feeling how I'm treating him, but he is still dense. He said in another conversation, "You're a good wife. I know I've made really big mistakes, but I just need to get a job..."

 

It would be easiest for all involved if I can get him to go to the courthouse and have the D process started, but I can't pinpoint how he's going to react. He already said once that he doesn't want a D.

 

Clearly he's apologetic for how he has been, and he's starting to do things around the house as a sign. However pleased this makes me, it doesn't change the fact that I've emotionally checked out already. We have time alone today, and I was thinking about declaring today, but there's something that's making me wait. It's never a good time, huh?

Edited July 4, 2013 by Techie Artist
order

[TaraMaiden]

What are you actually waiting for?

 

'The right moment'...?

 

What, like, the right moment to have children, or the right moment to get a tattoo...?

 

No such thing - right?

 

Fear is a great inhibitor, isn't it?

 

Just look him square in the eye and tell him, without pausing:

 

"I'm going to the court tomorrow, and I'll be filing for Divorce. It's over."

 

You can only deal with the result when you know what it looks like.

[Techie Artist]

What are you actually waiting for?

 

'The right moment'...?

 

What, like, the right moment to have children, or the right moment to get a tattoo...?

 

No such thing - right?

 

Fear is a great inhibitor, isn't it?

 

Just look him square in the eye and tell him, without pausing:

 

"I'm going to the court tomorrow, and I'll be filing for Divorce. It's over."

 

You can only deal with the result when you know what it looks like.

 

Yes, Tara, I am afraid. Thoughtful. Self analyzing. Cautious. Deliberate. Afraid. I am human.

 

There is something to be said of timing and finesse. To do things in an orderly and respectful manner. He is a jerk, but I will have to deal with him the rest of our children's lives. I understand there is no "right time," so I have to pick a day and do it...and then try to clean up all the messes thereafter. I'm scared about the unknown messes. I have some support, so I know I'll manage, but I'm scared of every detail. I'm a planner. I realize I have to let it go, but my inability to know that I can make it all better is scary. That's what I do. Make things all better. I know that 4 words "I want a D" will crumble his whole world and make him feel worse than he already does. I hate that fact. But here we are.

 

Funny, I'm not a procrastinator. I'm a decision maker. But this process of D has cut my character to the point where I'm lost and afraid. Like I said before, I almost wish I had some greener grass to run to. That would make this so much easier.

[Techie Artist]

From day one, Tony T said: You are getting none of your needs met and you are getting a lot of aggravation, disappointment and a big child in the deal. I am personally not a big fan of divorce. It causes a lot of pain most of the time. However, in your case I think it would be a joy. Since he won't take counseling seriously, you may need a session or two so you can go through a divorce without feeling guilty or depressed...then go through with it. You aren't really in a marriage now except on paper.

 

You are correct, you are in your prime. Why waste that time on what it an unproductive, unjoyful, failing situation that holds no hope for improvement. You made one mistake by getting into it. Why extend that by remaining rather than making a mid-course correct to your life? Yes, I suppose there may be some measure of pain...the loss of what might have been. But the worst case of depression and loneliness you could possibly endure will never be as bad as what you are going through now.

 

Bless you and good wishes for the strength to get your life back on track and put some enjoyment and cheer back into your life.

Edited July 4, 2013 by Techie Artist
Emphasis Added

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, Tara, I am afraid. Thoughtful. Self analyzing. Cautious. Deliberate. Afraid. I am human.

I don't know anyone who's been through a divorce, who isn't....

 

There is something to be said of timing and finesse.

Sure there is. But sadly, this is no time for such niceties. I'm afraid this is more in line with cut and thrust. And sadly, rightly so.....

 

To do things in an orderly and respectful manner. He is a jerk, but I will have to deal with him the rest of our children's lives. I understand there is no "right time," so I have to pick a day and do it...and then try to clean up all the messes thereafter.

 

Not so.

You don't get it, do you?

That's no longer down to you.

He has contributed majorly to this mess.

 

This is his to clear up.

 

I'm scared about the unknown messes. I have some support, so I know I'll manage, but I'm scared of every detail. I'm a planner. I realize I have to let it go, but my inability to know that I can make it all better is scary.

 

It's not on you to make HIM better.

It ISon you to make YOU better.

 

That's what I do. Make things all better. I know that 4 words "I want a D" will crumble his whole world and make him feel worse than he already does. I hate that fact. But here we are.

You can't fix this for him.

That's no longer your job.

Read that again.

You've already checked out, those are your words, not mine.

Responsibility for 'making things better' is no longer on your head.

If his world crumbles, it's his fault for building it on unstable foundations. he is the architect and constructor of his own downfall.

 

And you cannot now supply the scaffolding.

 

You have to get this through your head (Tony's advice is excellent) and make it your new mantra:

 

"I have no liability to fix him: My objective now, is me, and my children."

[Techie Artist]

Not so.

You don't get it, do you?

That's no longer down to you.

He has contributed majorly to this mess.

 

This is his to clear up.

 

Responsibility for 'making things better' is no longer on your head.

 

Just to clarify, the messes I was referring to were the impact on the children. The marriage is long over.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry, I don't remember if you told us how old your kids are, but mine survived just fine.

 

Give them credit.

They're more resilient than you think.

The more honest and open you are with them, the more they will respect that.

[beach]

I was only afraid of D when I was married.

 

Being D now, I never thought I could be this happy on my own.

 

My how my experience and perspective has changed.

 

You won't know until you change your life.

[Techie Artist]

I'm sorry, I don't remember if you told us how old your kids are, but mine survived just fine.

 

Give them credit.

They're more resilient than you think.

The more honest and open you are with them, the more they will respect that.

 

I have 7-year-old twins, boy/girl

[Techie Artist]

Thanks, Tara and Beach.

 

I will recall your words and encouragement as I muster the fortitude to change my life.

 

TA

[SuperGeek]

I had this same situation happen to me, though it was the reverse. The girl ended up leaving. She gained over 50kg in just one year after she left. It was surreal. Her whole family condemned me for trying to nicely tell her to do something about her health.