Why Can't I Get Angry at Him?

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks, Tara and Beach.

 

I will recall your words and encouragement as I muster the fortitude to change my life.

 

TA

 

Please keep in touch. When you need the feedback and support, we're here.

[Yasuandio]

Here is a little wisdom I gained now that my divorce is over.

 

It was a difficult, contentious, protracted divorce - practically four years to it's final conclusion last September. The length of this hidious mess was not of my choosing either. Former husband strategized litagation to try to break me down, and make me give up.

 

The entire four years, I lived in fear of "what if this," and "what if that." My worries were of a totally different nature than yours - but they were worries, fears, and concerns, nonetheless. Mainly -- my fears centered upon being taken apart in Court, all my skelitons revealed, and to be humilated. Another disaster I imagined was that I would never financially survive the end result of the Judge's decision.

 

To complicate matters, my former husband terrorized me with some stalking, and high priced serveillance -- and there was nothing I could do about it. It was such a fine line, I could really not prove it, without putting my own mental health in question at the same time. It became clear to me the more I would protest -- the more attention it would call to my very real mental illness (bi-polar desease and increased paranoia caused from the constant serveillance).

 

A very real consideration was that if I appeared too ill, or the least bit unstable, - the Judge would not find me capable to manage my properties - or maybe even my own money. All these issues were really a terrible burden on me and my mind - and a good attorney cannot make any promises of the outcome, of course.

 

Naturally, some things did come up at the three day trial last year, but nothing like I imagined in my head for four years. Most every single thing I worried over, never came to pass. The judge found me perfectly competent. I told the complete truth, and I was not at all embarrassed on the stand. Quite the contrary -- any embarassement I felt was for the Courtroom to hear the story of what I endured with the former husband, and HIS conduct on the stand.

 

Finacially, I came out tremendously better than most people ever do. Yes, there are problems, but I consider myself to be an extremely fortunate single woman, to be sure.

 

Four years of terror, worry, concern, insomnia, paranoia and fear for nothing. Honey, bite the bullet and get it over with. It is such a wonderful relief to finially have it behind you. I am feeling so much better. I know you will too. Yas

Edited July 6, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Techie Artist]

Thanks, Yas. I hadn't read any details of your D, but I remember some references you made to being raked over the coals. I pretty much have the financial part set...just a few more issues. Otherwise, thankfully, I have a squeaky clean past.

 

I am making progress. It's like doing a Thelma and Louise in slow motion. I know I'm heading off a cliff, but I can't put my foot all the way on the gas. I don't know why. I was looking at the "happy family" photos on my walls and staring at myself, wondering where did that version of me go???

 

I've been taking better care of myself. I had a fabulous massage that helped me to cry about it. The massage therapist said, "Be good to yourself." And that is the gist of what more advice is on LS. I am learning to place myself in the priority position so I can take care of myself and children who will unfortunate victims of this sad situation. I'm focusing now on the long term, prepping the kids so they eventually understand that sometimes grownups don't work well together, some things last for only a season, and life throws some wicked curve balls.

 

I will be celebrating my sister's baby shower next weekend. I think I'll tell him after that.

[beach]

Why wait - when you know you've decided?

 

That seems odd to me.

 

It's living a lie every day. Something I don't believe in.

[Techie Artist]

Why wait - when you know you've decided?

 

That seems odd to me.

 

It's living a lie every day. Something I don't believe in.

 

I respect your opinion, but I really don't feel like running to the courthouse while picking up the cake and decorations...ya know? I'm actually being selfish for once and doing something on my schedule.

[beach]

I respect your opinion, but I really don't feel like running to the courthouse while picking up the cake and decorations...ya know? I'm actually being selfish for once and doing something on my schedule.

 

I know what you mean Techie... But there will never, ever be a right time for this.

 

It sucks - but it's just never gonna get easier.

 

I felt freedom when I quit pretending with my ex. But that's when I was also forced to take a hard look at why I chose to pretend by staying - for so long.

[Techie Artist]

I know what you mean Techie... But there will never, ever be a right time for this.

 

It sucks - but it's just never gonna get easier.

 

I felt freedom when I quit pretending with my ex. But that's when I was also forced to take a hard look at why I chose to pretend by staying - for so long.

 

Yes, Beach, I've been scolded for my procrastination (refer to TaraMaiden's post on prior page). Prior to today, I didn't know when to tell him. Once I get past the baby shower, everyone's focus will be on my sister's joy. Baby's due in August. The adults in my family already know what I'm going to do. My best friends are ready to cheer me up and on. My declaration will be far enough from his birthday that it won't make him hate me in relation to that day (which I'll have to be around with the kids). I'll also be on travel for several days through September, which gives me some distance.

 

There has been no sex since March or April 2012, and there won't be any kind of "pretending" to be married on my part. We coexist and do what we must for the children...totally unspoken, yet negotiated and functioning.

 

I am willing to set a date for a week out in relation to "dealing" all these years. It's okay.

[Gunny376]

You know Techie, Life isn't unlike walking through a minefield, (Sorry, but I am of a military background)

 

You do your best, you give it all you got and still you screw up despite your best efforts and intentions and it all blows up in your face, and your sitting there with your ass in your hands wondering ~ WTF?

 

Thing is? You didn't necessarily screw up. Oh for sure and no doubt you can sit around on the front porch for a month of Sunday's going ~ "I could have, should, would've have, etc ad nauseum! Until your Blue in the face!

 

And your confronted with all of these Life Realities!

 

Such as ~ "When you first started out? You had the best of intentions! But the road to Hell is paved with good intentions ~ aren't they!

 

Or ~ "When you find yourself up to your ass in alligators, poisonous snakes, scorpions, spiders, and Indians shooting arrows and throwing spears at you? One tends to forget that you INITIAL objective was to drain the damn SWAMP!

 

The (Or at least my definition of) definition of "IF" is a good one!

 

If grasshoppers had Colt .45 caliber pistols and knew how to use them?

 

Crows wouldn't mess with them!

 

But they don't and so crows eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

 

This much I DO know for sure and certain!

 

1. Don't beat yourself up. There's a crowd of people literally waiting outside your front door to do the job for you! Its not because the don't like you, nor because your a bad person, nor because your this or that? Its just because they want to see tha' look on your face!

 

2. Be kind to yourself!

 

3. Most people are about as happy as they make themselves up to be!

 

4. We all maginfy 10X if not a 1000X more of the way others see us than they actually do!

 

5. Be kind to yourself, because no one else will be as kind to you as you will be to yourself!

 

6. We're each and all are responsible for our own personal happiness, and no one else. If your seeking happiness, self-validaition through someone else ~ be it your parents, your children, your friends? You're already on the road toward disappointment!

 

7. Love yourself!

 

8. Your Mother Loves you!

 

9. Even if she doesn't? God does!

 

10. You're Greater than the sum parts of yourself! Greater than you know!

 

11. Become your own best friend, self validating, self assuring. I'm OK, your OK, we're OK!

 

12. Make peace with yourself, your past, and reconcile with your present, and your future ~ you're all you got in this Life ~ get comfortable with living with yourself and with living your life for yourself!

 

Your not always going to have all of the right answers to the questions, and your not always going to have all of the right solutions to all of the problems ~ and none of us can give them that's going to suit your particular situation ~ we're not there ~ we've not boots on the ground as we say in tha' Corps, and sometimes ~ a lot of tha' times we've just got to go back on the 'mike' and tell em' "You've got to go for yourself, Good luck, and God Bless!"

 

And hope and pray to God they've not got their ass hanging out there in tha' wind!"

 

Your in a tough spot and a tough place, but you've got to make the call of "On my posistion drop all ordrinace!" Your in a DefCon4 posistion, in which you've got to call an airstrike in on your own troops!

[Techie Artist]

Gunny,

 

My dad was a military man...hell, all of my uncles were too. Thanks for your service to our great nation. And thanks for the encouragement with military metaphors. I appreciate them!

 

I must say that I did have a hand in ending up here. I settled in one department because he was good in another department. I was getting up in age, so I started getting hastier in finding "the one" who would be good to me and make a good father. I succeeded 3/4 of the way in that he WAS good to me until he started a downward spiral, and he is a good father. Thing is, I was not head over heels.

 

I did not "try before buy" in the lovemaking department, so I was shocked when things weren't all they should've been. I asked for more, didn't get it, and accepted being less than satisfied. I probably should've waved the white flag then.

 

When I think back to how he handled money, it was awful all the while. We just never felt it because we made so much between us (and he kept the books/bills). I didn't know until my gut said to look at the mail one day. I take responsibility for handing over my financial well being to him. I also take pride in removing the finances from him once I learned what he was doing.

 

He was a hands-on father early on because twins are just that damned demanding. After the diaper stage, they grew more independent and he became detached. I didn't notice until they were about 3, but I was carrying more of the parental load, feeling the burden, but not really noticing.

 

After he lost his job, I felt sorry for him. I was a doting wife. I helped him make professional contacts to find work. But I didn't see that my kindness was being used against me. And he was too lazy to do the tough thing of running my home-based business. Maybe he was in denial. I thought I was being patient and supportive. I could redo that, too.

 

I don't think I did something "wrong" per se, but I feel the coulda woulda shouldas every day now...even going back to dating him in the first place.

 

My lessons are:

 

Do not let age drive decisions.

Don't let religion box in my thinking.

Don't put too much stock in others' opinions.

Listen to my heart; don't rationalize.

Be sure he wants the same general goals out of life that I do.

Be crazy about him and take a test drive.

[Packard]

"Techie,"

 

For the love of Saints Peter & Paul, DUMP THIS QUARTER-TON LOAD!!!

 

You can "intellectually object" to the needed decision being forced upon you . . . but that's only going to add payments to your pain book.

 

We all have only "just so many trips around the sun". So, for the sake of your children, GET OUT . . as fast as you can . . . and don't look back. You'll be better off . . . and it won't take you long to realize that after you do.

 

Don't wait anymore on this hopeless situation . . . if for no other reason than the children. They'll eventually understand . . . and will appreciate your courage. Peace. "Packard"

[Techie Artist]

"Techie,"

 

For the love of Saints Peter & Paul, DUMP THIS QUARTER-TON LOAD!!!

 

You can "intellectually object" to the needed decision being forced upon you . . . but that's only going to add payments to your pain book.

 

We all have only "just so many trips around the sun". So, for the sake of your children, GET OUT . . as fast as you can . . . and don't look back. You'll be better off . . . and it won't take you long to realize that after you do.

 

Don't wait anymore on this hopeless situation . . . if for no other reason than the children. They'll eventually understand . . . and will appreciate your courage. Peace. "Packard"

 

Sorry my situation and reaction causes you such angst as soon as you entered the LS door. welcome. Your passionate opinion is quite endearing. Thanks for your input.

 

TA

[TaraMaiden]

(Might be an earlier 'caller' wearing a different 'coat'.... )

[Techie Artist]

I was set to tell my husband this week that I want a D. Then, today, I read articles from focusonthefamily.com. Now I'm feeling like I am going to ruin my kids' life.

 

Focus on the Family

 

This article is killing me and making me question whether I can't make the marriage work in their eyes. I think I need to hear from real divorce-survivor kids to learn what they felt and observed with their parents.

 

Aaaaaargh! HELP!

[2sunny]

You have to decide what's right for your circumstances.

 

Take action on that decision.

 

Your kids will be fine as long as they have access to both parents.

 

If you decide to D - don't speak negatively of each other - THAT hurts the kids more than anything. Let them know they did nothing wrong. Let them know you love them.

 

 

If you stay - they get the idea that this is THEIR model married couple. If its not healthy or happy - that becomes their "normal" - and are more likely to choose the same situation for themselves when they marry someday.

 

Your actions can show them "it's not ok and it's not healthy/normal" if/when you D.

 

They will get the clear idea by actions that a partnership shouldn't look like what they've been seeing and that M could be a better union than what you've displayed to them.

 

We lead by example. What example have you been teaching them? What do you INTEND to teach them with YOUR actions moving forward?

[amaysngrace]

Courage is feeling fear and moving forward anyway.

 

The day I left I felt numb. I was scared of the unknown. But in my head I knew that what I had sucked and maybe what's ahead of me could suck but maybe it wouldn't.

 

I'm really glad I went forward.

[TaraMaiden]

Let me tell you something my eldest daughter told me this weekend:

She just celebrated her 30th birthday, and she's a happy, well-adjusted, level-headed beautiful person.

I would add this is a fabulous Pearl of Wisdom she has taken to heart, and passed on to me ("Children, teach your parents well!")

 

She read this in a book by Terry Pratchett.

 

A couple, many years down the line and separated by time, circumstance and the way Life just turns out, are reminiscing about their wonderful romance in their younger days:

 

He says: "Ah, if we could only turn back the clock.... We could have overcome the obstacles, got married, bought *that* little house, had kids...."

 

She says: "Yes, but the eldest had that car accident and had his legs amputated, and the youngest got pregnant at the age of 15, and now we have a handicapped grandson to bring up...."

 

He says: "What?! What are you talking about....?! What I meant, was....."

 

She interrupts:

"Listen:

Just because things might have been different, it doesn't mean they would have been different in a better way.

 

There is no way of predicting what might have, or might not have happened. But one thing's for sure:

 

Here we are, and the point now - is to make the best of what we have now. And if we can make THAT better, we should make every effort to ensure that happens."

 

Techie Artist: 'He who deliberates fully before talking each step, will spend their entire life on one leg.'

 

I read the site you linked.

Wonderful.

marvellous.

Great wisdom.

 

With one small point:

 

It's not you.

 

YOU - are YOU.

 

Your reluctance - your 'wavering' is because you're a 'fixer'.

And these articles have spoken to your 'fixer' side.

 

But really - that hasn't worked for you at all well has it?

 

Your 'Fixer' side is making you think that you have to be responsible for the well-being, balance and mind-set of everyone.

You believe that if there is upset, emotional turmoil, distress or an aftermath - then that rests entirely on your shoulders to fix it.

 

Get this through your head: IT DOESN'T.

 

Be honest with your children, appropriately.

Answer their questions.

Tell them, when they need to know, what it is you're doing, and why, in terms that they will understand.

 

They go to school, don't they?

Advise staff of the changes in your household, but remember one thing: They have friends at school.

And many of those friends have parents who are divorced.

Many have 2 'moms and dads'.

 

My youngest daughter was understandably moved when we advised her we were slitting up.

She confided in a good friend of hers, whose own parents were divorced - who convinced her, very quickly, that 2 households can often be an advantage!

 

Don't presume the worst.

And don't be swayed by distant, detached and impersonal articles which work to convince you that "You can fix this!!"

 

You've been there, tried that and - look.

 

It hasn't worked.

 

So do what works.

Edited July 16, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[Gunny376]

It may take some doing to get your head wrapped around this?

 

But you get what you think about? Wheather you want it or not!

[imtooconfused]

I was set to tell my husband this week that I want a D. Then, today, I read articles from focusonthefamily.com. Now I'm feeling like I am going to ruin my kids' life.

 

You might want to read a bit in this thread. There is at least one child survivor of divorce who posted on this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/402066-staying-marriage-kids-right-thing-do

 

I am religious too, but I cannot believe that God (or the almighty or karma or whatever supreme being you believe in) would expect us to be miserable for the greater portion of our existence on earth. That's not the God that I have been taught to believe in. You can do service to your children away from their father.

[Mack05]

Techie why do I get the impression you will be typing the same things in 12 months? There will ALWAYS be an excuse to stay in seems. In the mean time little by little, piece by piece you are slowly dieing inside. This man has sucked all the good from you.

 

Right now you are s-l-o-w-l-y headed towards a major breakdown. Be under no illusions about this fact. Staying strong for your husband, for your kids is taking more of a toll on you then you fully comprehend. When you have a breakdown and if you keep on this current path it is WHEN not IF, what use will you be to your kids? The damage done will be irreparable.

 

I know what your response will be, I know Mack blah blah blah. You can't put this off a second longer Techie. You have to sit him down and tell him you want a D. Imagine living 2, 5, 10 more years of this existence. You are 'breathing' but right now you are not 'living'.

 

This man has lost all sense of reality. Right now you are enabling him. The ONLY way for him to turn his life around is to hit rock bottom. He then has to want to climb back up. He is not your responsibility. Right now you take care of three children, your twins and him.

 

By staying you are doing more long term damage to your kids. I know you want to protect them, but this is not the way to go about it. Your lack of self worth and courage will end up costing you and your children more then you can ever understand right now. This has to end now before it's too late..

[Techie Artist]

Your kids will be fine as long as they have access to both parents.

 

If you decide to D - don't speak negatively of each other - THAT hurts the kids more than anything. Let them know they did nothing wrong. Let them know you love them.

 

If you stay - they get the idea that this is THEIR model married couple. If its not healthy or happy - that becomes their "normal" - and are more likely to choose the same situation for themselves when they marry someday.

 

Your actions can show them "it's not ok and it's not healthy/normal" if/when you D.

 

They will get the clear idea by actions that a partnership shouldn't look like what they've been seeing and that M could be a better union than what you've displayed to them.

 

We lead by example. What example have you been teaching them? What do you INTEND to teach them with YOUR actions moving forward?

 

2Sunny, thanks for your post. My H and I are civil and businesslike. We do things out of duty and responsibility. So, he'll make dinner or do the laundry and I'll pay the bills and make social arrangements. There is no passion...only duty. But part of my difficulty is that it is "not so bad" like violence or drug use or what have you. We don't argue much anymore...but if we do, there is no love in doing so.

 

The kids see very little in the way of poor behavior, but they certainly don't see us modeling a healthy love relationship as we may have 5 years ago. When he came home from work, we gave each other a peck (kiss). That's gone. We don't play together, don't sleep together, nada. I don't want that for either of my kids.

 

I believe that we can continue to be civil and cooperative with one another as we break up, but I just don't know how he's going to react short or long term.

[Techie Artist]

8. Your Mother Loves you!

 

9. Even if she doesn't? God does!

 

10. You're Greater than the sum parts of yourself! Greater than you know!

 

11. Become your own best friend, self validating, self assuring. I'm OK, your OK, we're OK!

 

12. Make peace with yourself, your past, and reconcile with your present, and your future ~ you're all you got in this Life ~ get comfortable with living with yourself and with living your life for yourself!

 

Your in a tough spot and a tough place, but you've got to make the call of "On my posistion drop all ordrinace!" Your in a DefCon4 posistion, in which you've got to call an airstrike in on your own troops!

 

My mom said she feels sorry for me. I don't know why her saying that hurt me so much. I know she wants me to be happy, but she stuck it out with my dad who was NO angel.

[Techie Artist]

There is no way of predicting what might have, or might not have happened. But one thing's for sure:

 

Here we are, and the point now - is to make the best of what we have now. And if we can make THAT better, we should make every effort to ensure that happens."

 

Techie Artist: 'He who deliberates fully before talking each step, will spend their entire life on one leg.'

 

I read the site you linked.

Wonderful.

marvellous.

Great wisdom.

 

With one small point:

 

It's not you.

 

YOU - are YOU.

 

Your reluctance - your 'wavering' is because you're a 'fixer'.

And these articles have spoken to your 'fixer' side.

 

But really - that hasn't worked for you at all well has it?

 

Your 'Fixer' side is making you think that you have to be responsible for the well-being, balance and mind-set of everyone.

You believe that if there is upset, emotional turmoil, distress or an aftermath - then that rests entirely on your shoulders to fix it.

 

Get this through your head: IT DOESN'T.

 

Don't presume the worst.

And don't be swayed by distant, detached and impersonal articles which work to convince you that "You can fix this!!"

 

You've been there, tried that and - look.

 

It hasn't worked.

 

So do what works.

Yup. I got it. I'm a fixer who can't fix it. I can't fix this. I just don't know what works. If I keep doing the same thing I've always done, I'll keep getting the same thing I've always gotten. To expect otherwise is insane. I guess I just have to surrender even though I'm a fixer.

[Techie Artist]

You might want to read a bit in this thread. There is at least one child survivor of divorce who posted on this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/402066-staying-marriage-kids-right-thing-do

I am religious too, but I cannot believe that God (or the almighty or karma or whatever supreme being you believe in) would expect us to be miserable for the greater portion of our existence on earth. That's not the God that I have been taught to believe in. You can do service to your children away from their father.

 

I did read that thread...even chimed in, I think. The religious information is tugging at my soul and frustrating me at the same time. I can't do what they recommend. I've already tried. It's work for God to accomplish. I'm not cut out for this kind of heroism. I just want to be happy.

 

I agree that God doesn't want me to be unhappy. And I know that I'm a good person who has a personal relationship with Him. I guess my "chuch ear" is turned on to where I feel condemnation, guilt, and judgment.

 

No matter what, I will serve my children. I just need to learn how to better serve myself first, which another poster mentioned here recently. I have to put on my own oxygen mask.

[Techie Artist]

This article is written for me.

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-grownups/200911/telling-your-spouse-you-want-divorce

 

I'm going to do it exactly as he recommends. This should get pinned for "break ups" and "divorces".

 

TA

[imtooconfused]

Thank you. This link comes at an important time for me as well. Thanks for posting this.