Everything sucks today...how are you all doing?

[Lillyfree]

He broke NC casually, then called a week later and sort of spilled his guts about how he felt about me, how terrible the last 4 months since DDay have been missing me, that he & his W never speak of me or the A.

 

I told him that his casual call made me realize that I can't be just friends. He agreed. At a minimum, he wants to restart the A, I don't know if he has thoughts beyond that of leaving his W. I don't know if I even want that.

 

Tomorrow is supposed to finally be the time we can really talk at length. I don't know where the conversation will go...if he just means to keep it light, but I feel like there's an elephant in the room that we need to address. I mean, he's already had one DDay and always claimed he didn't want to divorce. So where do you go from here?

 

 

i hope that he's not just after re-starting the affair, hopefully after 4 months he wouldn't be that selfish and heartless... no matter what happens, i hope you get some clarification and peace from the conversation.

[stevie_23]

Broken, I can actually see, if my ex-MM did that, he’d say the same thing. It’s been 3.5 months since he left me and I doubt he’s been having a wonderful time since then, lol.

 

So he DOES want to restart the A with you? Ok, well at least you realise you can’t have it both ways. It’d either be NC or back together. It’d be the same with my ex-MM and me.

 

I think you are in a very vulnerable position right now. I think you’d go back to him if he wanted to. Even though, ALREADY, he is letting you down and making you unhappy! And you’re not even together yet!

 

Why did you break up in the first place? Do you remember why? Is that still relevant now? I assume it is. Maybe the fact his wife found out and he doesn’t intend to leave her. So now what? He would be ok with an ongoing affair, going even more underground, lying more severely to his wife, and then YOU would become like I was for the last 6 months of my affair. TERRIFIED of losing him to another D-day. My ex-MM had FOUR D-days. The fourth one was the final one for us. I was an emotional wreck for those last 6 months…and especially the last 3 months. I lived in constant fear. Constant disappointment. Do you want that? Would that feel BETTER than you feel now, without him?

[Lillyfree]

I feel much more in control today. I slept well last night, my headache is gone and I’m feeling not so down in general. Yay!

 

i've gone downhill physically and mentally, in a really bad way, before i ended it and for a couple of months after. a lot of that would be due to lack of sleep, i would wake up around 1-2 AM and stay awake until it was time to get up for work... it's amazing what no sleep does to you.

i've lost weight (i didn't have any to lose to start with), my head was full of fluff and i was pretty much a zombie until the evening, when i would just collapse on the couch.

 

still not there completely, still have bad nights and it affects my days greatly. but i've gone back to full on training, my head's clearer, so must be on the up and up. don't look like a swamp thing anymore

 

glad to hear you're better stevie. it's not going to be a sudden thing. just be good to yourself and put your wellbeing first!

[BrokenPrincess]

Ok, being honest, yes, he's already told me he wants to restart our relationship. He said everyday without me feels like his gut is being ripped out. The thing is, we were having this talk over the phone, we've never said ILY, never "got sappy," never planned to be together. We were both cake eaters with families but just really got along so well.

 

We broke up because his W found out. There was honestly no question in my mind that he would refocus on his M. I would've done the exact the same thing.

 

Then he calls & tells me all the same things I've been feeling. I wasn't unhappy in our A, and we really weren't that secretive, because we'd always been friends at work, so emails etc weren't that strange.

 

But yes, now we're underground, and I do feel insecure. I'm not sure if its because these past few days I've been available & alone & wishing we could talk, but between a burner phone, secret email, not fb friends anymore, it just sucks, I can't really reach out to him at all.

 

And when he called and gave me the big speech, we talked just one more time after that but the his kids came home for spring break so he hasn't been alone. It just feels like there's a lot left to be said.

 

I don't know what would feel better. It helps to hear about your fear...I've thought of that today too. Another DDay and I just lose him all over again. Logically it's really only a matter of time.

 

A part of me wants to just tell him how I feel tomorrow, completely and honestly, and just put it out there. I mean, what do I have to lose? And then I would never regret and wonder down the road that I never told him. I don't know...sorry I'm rambling AND completely t/j-ing.

[stevie_23]

Ugh, physically and mentally. I know how that is. I was in a horrible constant fog too, kept waking up in the night, chest tight and painful, stomach nauseous, brain whizzing and whirring endlessly over and over.

 

I also lost a heap of weight and was already thin to begin with. Ugh. Nowadays the junk food is my comfort.

 

I’m SO glad to hear you’re doing a bit better now.

 

And you’re right, it’s not going to be a constant up and up improvement, is it? I have to stop being scared to have a not so good day sometimes. It doesn’t mean I’m crashing back down to where I was 3.5 months ago.

[ThatJustHappened]

UGH!!! My day today was your day yesterday Stevie..GRRRRR SO ANNOYED AND FRUSTRATED AND UPSET!!! I hope yours was better. Or is, I guess, would be the proper word for it. I think we're about 16 hours apart so you're probably already well into tomorrow.

[stevie_23]

UGH!!! My day today was your day yesterday Stevie..GRRRRR SO ANNOYED AND FRUSTRATED AND UPSET!!! I hope yours was better. Or is, I guess, would be the proper word for it. I think we're about 16 hours apart so you're probably already well into tomorrow.

 

Awww, I'm sorry your day sucks!!!! :( I think there should be a hibernation rule. Whenever our day truly sucks, we should be allowed to just hibernate in our portable caves for the remainder of the day.

 

16 hours apart? Maybe. Depends what state you're in. Right now I'm 14 hours ahead of the east coast. I have 2 friends in Florida so right now for them it's just after midnight. My ex is from New Jersey so I got the time difference ingrained in my head and it still applies for my Florida people.

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm in California..so you're 17 hours ahead of me.

[stevie_23]

Ah HAH. I have another friend in Texas, and I know I'm 16 hours ahead of him. So I'm 17 hours ahead of California. Cool. So it's...just after 9.30pm for you?

[ThatJustHappened]

Yes ma'am.

[stevie_23]

Yes ma'am.

 

Very good.

[goldengirl11]

I'm glad I saw this thread. Have had a bad day too, especially when he (mm lover/friend) expressed doubts about going forward. Oh and put into the FB message that he was going away somewhere warm with his wife next week which hope doesn't make me feel worse. He later says that maybe we should revert back to "see how it goes." Not eaten since lunchtime and just feel numb. When I should now be enjoying the weekend. Am definitely going to sign up properly to a dating site now, but then planned to anyway.

 

Last saw him 3 weeks ago and he says he's been thinking of me. Means nothing now, as he's been back and forth a few times now. The last time being about 6 weeks ago, when he admitted he went quiet because I didn't offer to pay for lunch, as relationships are about sharing. It then also seem to prompt him to say that he's not sure if he'd be strong enough to leave home. A few days later though he rang me to say he'd got past the lunch incident and that he can't let me go. I've been well and truly on a rollercoaster since late summer (can't believe how that time has flown by) and he seems a bit different now, if a bit two faced.

 

I'll never forget when he confessed he was going to tell this woman friend how he felt about her the first time we met over a coffee (nothing had happened then between us), but then he didn't get the chance to and she has since emigrated abroad with her boyfriend (he thought she was single). I remember also he said that a clairvoyant had told him they would marry. For a while i.e few months maybe he was sure then (regardless of that woman) that he would seperate from his wife, but over time things seem to have improved a bit instead.

 

He also hinted that the fact I'd like to get married and have kids one day is a factor he's hesitant, as he says he's done all that and not what he'd be looking to do again. Also that if anything he wonders if there's enough common ground between us, after I asked him if he thought I was crap last time we were intimate. He didn't say I was and that what I'd said re disagreeing (re common ground) was lovely, when he asked how we can spend proper time together i.e he doesn't know when or if his circumstances will change. It's fair to say I feel crap at the mo and long for happiness. I'm 34 btw.

 

Ps Thanks for listening and apologise for my ramblings!

Edited April 5, 2013 by goldengirl11

[georgia girl]

Stevie, et al:

 

The great things about really sucky days is that the next day usually can't be any worse. So, if you get through the sucky day, odds are pretty good that the next day will be better.

 

I had a horrible day at work today myself and I keep thinking the same thing.

 

You are a strong lady. You will get through the tough times and each tough time is a step closer to total healing and new good times. Best of luck.