Gf found out I cheated on my ex gf, now she thinks I'm gonna do it to her

[TheDingo]

I haven't been here for a long while but this is the update on my situation:

 

I've been dating this same girl for almost 3 years now (by mid April it's going to be on our 3rd year). This is the girl that was a virgin when we met and well I never told her I cheated on a past gf. I didn't want to hurt her and create yet another relationship with trust issues and all that drama I created back then.

 

But she just found out recently. I don't know how but she did (I'm assuming my still ex gf told her somehow, otherwise who else would know about it?... she hates me still, understandable but damn I long regret it, when is it enough). She asked me straightly about it and now she's thinking I cheated on her. I didn't. I learned already.

 

I don't know what to do. Now she keeps saying ''Maybe we should break up, you're probably going to do it to me''. Telling her wouldn't have made a difference either. She would have that same reaction too.

 

Yesterday she kept asking if I've cheated on her too. I said no and it's true I haven't. I won't.

Edited March 18, 2013 by TheDingo

[TheDingo]

If you don't know my story, it's on my past threads. I was a total jerk then. Now here I am, trying to become a better bf, a better man overall yet I get this thrown in my face again.

 

I really thought I could start new again with my current gf. Now it's like happening all over again.

 

How do I convince that it's a mistake I made before and won't do it again to another woman, that I won't cheat on her?

[Foxy Brown]

Can you blame her, though? I firmly believe that people can and do change. However, many people who cheat do it again. No, you didn't cheat on her, but from her perspective, you've already done it to a former girlfriend so what's to stop you from doing it to her?

 

I know nobody's going to come right out and say to their current partner, "Hey, just to let you know, I cheated in a past relationship." But maybe the fact that you didn't tell her and she found out about it on her own makes her more suspicious.

 

All you can do is prove to her daily that you won't cheat on her. Show her with your actions and, if she still doesn't accept it over time, there's not much else you can do. Unfortunately our past follows us around. Be accountable to her, let her know once in a while that you're thinking of her. Maybe that will reassure her.

[AverageCat]

If you don't know my story, it's on my past threads. I was a total jerk then. Now here I am, trying to become a better bf, a better man overall yet I get this thrown in my face again.

 

I really thought I could start new again with my current gf. Now it's like happening all over again.

 

How do I convince that it's a mistake I made before and won't do it again to another woman, that I won't cheat on her?

 

 

TELL HER EXACTLY THIS. ONCE, CLEARLY, CONFIDENTLY.

 

Also don't overstate the problem. The more you try to excuse yourself, the more you seem guilty .

[Njeanne]

Show your gf what you wrote here...only thing I can say. Tell her, if she heard the news from your ex-gf that she only did it to cause you the pain back you caused her, it's a revenge thing most likely.

 

You love your current girlfriend, you learned from a mistake, show her this page.

[Mint Sauce]

you could try to explain her why it happened in your previous relationship, and that you are now more aware of what lead up to it. Explain her what you will do differently now to make sure it won't happen again.

[venusianx13]

Tell her that you will always be 100% transparent with her from now on, and then SHOW her.

 

Perhaps also explain that it was a mistake you held shame for and had decided to learn from it and move on. Some would say she didn't need to know (that's truly a gray area). At any rate, the very best you can do is always be forthcoming with her, be reliable, and be respectful. She keeps saying that you're just going to do it to her, too? Well, prove her wrong. If even your actions aren't satisfactory to her after some time, then there's really nothing more that can be done.

[pbjbear]

She sounds smart.

I'd be worried too.

Once cheater always a cheater? Not always. But the vast majority of the time they will do it again. Sorry.

If a guy posted the same thing as you did except saying "found out my girlfriend of 3 years cheated on her ex boyfriend" everybody would be ripping into him saying "dump her!" I dont buy that crap- I dont see why us women have to roll over and deal with it

[Darren Steez]

err being transparent "from now on" is too late.

 

When you meet and fall in love with someone, you form a perception of them based on how they present themselves and the history they share/reveal of themselves. You trust the person and give yourselves to them.

 

If he had told her from the start, hey this is what happened, I was that way back then but I've changed, yes, she would have formed a different opinion of him and might have been able to look past it and move forward with their relationship. Or she would have said no, I don't want to lose my virginity to a guy like this. That choice was taken out of her hands.

 

He omitted it, she the first man she's been with and he's this guy who had all these sexual experiences. What if he gets bored with me?

 

Anyway besides the point. For three years you left out this fairly crucial part of your very recent history..so really you havent changed have you? Still lying.

Edited March 18, 2013 by Darren Steez

[TheDingo]

This is a funny statement... so to don't create trust issues you lied.... nothing better for trust that begin a relationship with lies...

Not exactly. I just didn't tell her because during that time, she never asked if I cheated.

But had she randomly asked ''Have you ever cheated before'', I would have told her about it.

[TheDingo]

Out of curiosity did your OW's H ever find out?

Not about us but according to a friend, they're on a process of getting divorced because she's carrying another man's child. So yes, my former OW's H did found out but not about me, about the child that's not his.

[pbjbear]

Not about us but according to a friend, they're on a process of getting divorced because she's carrying another man's child. So yes, my former OW's H did found out but not about me, about the child that's not his.

 

The fact that you cheated with a married woman makes it worse. Not only did you cheat, but you did it to another guy and didnt care...yeah you have shady character. I dont blame your gf one bit

[TheDingo]

Anyway besides the point. For three years you left out this fairly crucial part of your very recent history..so really you havent changed have you? Still lying.

I didn't know what to do. I've been trying to go on with my life and hide this shame. Ever felt so terrible about something you did in the past that you just want to start over again?

 

In my mind after the break-up with my ex gf, I was thinking ''Ok, this is going to be the new me, I'm not ever gonna hurt another woman like that but also not going to reveal this unless asked''.

 

I don't mind showing her all my threads here. That's fine. I'm not out with other women and only want her. Just want to get her know I'm not cheating nor have I taken advantage in any way.

[TheDingo]

The fact that you cheated with a married woman makes it worse. Not only did you cheat, but you did it to another guy and didnt care...yeah you have shady character. I dont blame your gf one bit

Hence why I never told her that. What good would it had done? I'm so ashamed of my former self.

I just want a second chance in life.

[Neffer]

Hence why I never told her that. What good would it had done? I'm so ashamed of my former self.

I just want a second chance in life.

 

It was an understandable lie of omission, rather than commission; not a crafty lie to hide more cheating behaviour.

 

I would second showing this to her and hope for the best. I am in a similar situation to her as someone I care about has cheated in the past and I at times have a hard time dropping my guard. Its not an easy thing to do, to trust someone with a track record so to speak. But people can learn from mistakes.

 

She doesn't want that pain - to be made a fool of.

 

Just be honest with her and transparent - and hope she accepts that you have changed. You can't make her trust.

[Darren Steez]

I didn't know what to do. I've been trying to go on with my life and hide this shame. Ever felt so terrible about something you did in the past that you just want to start over again?

 

In my mind after the break-up with my ex gf, I was thinking ''Ok, this is going to be the new me, I'm not ever gonna hurt another woman like that but also not going to reveal this unless asked''.

 

I don't mind showing her all my threads here. That's fine. I'm not out with other women and only want her. Just want to get her know I'm not cheating nor have I taken advantage in any way.

Nothing wrong with being ashamed of doing wrong but you can never bury your past, it is who you were not necessarily who you are now.

 

You can dress it up as wanting to start over or trying to hide a dark past, but no matter what you call it, it's lying by omission. I don't need to read your other threads, just going on what you posted here. You needed to be honest with her from the get go, let her decide if she wanted to enter into a relationship with you. You didn't give the girl the credit she might have deserved for understanding what happened and who you are now, but by lying you have shown you are still untrustworthy.

 

Sit her down and talk to her. She wants to know she's the only one. Tell what's in the past is in the past and closed. Hopefully she'll understand and move forward with you.

[TheDingo]

Regarding the update, well I did showed her all my threads so now she knows this forum and my screen name. She seemed upset that I hide this history as well as these threads from her.

 

I'm trying my best to reassure her I've learnt how my mistake and won't do it again but she is having doubts right now. She did said that if she feels being misled in any way it's over and how just because I'm her first doesn't mean she's stupid. She was pissed.

 

My dear if you're reading this, that's because I have nothing to hide to you. Read all you want to. I've been trying to become a better man ever since. I didn't mean to hurt you. If I did I'm sorry.

[TheDingo]

And I was right. I was indeed my ex gf that told her. She showed me the message and it was really nasty (she definitely hates my guts):

 

I'll never forgive that bastard nor what I went through when I caught him. That's right. I CAUGHT HIM. He is the reason I've developed some mistrust on all my relationships, including my new bf I'm with now. Be careful with him. He is one sneaky SOB. I'm willing to bet you would have never known about this had I not told you about it. Let me guess, he probably never mentioned about me to you and went on with his life while I'm the one still affected. Make your own judegment from there but don't say I didn't warn you.

[TheDingo]

So much for make things right and treating my gf better than I treated my ex gf that everything blew up in my face.

 

And I do have deep remorse for what I did to my ex gf and what I was before.

[loversquarrel]

Well....your GF is right to protect herself and have a future with someone free from worry. She clearly doesn't feel safe with you and you can't really blame her. I just hope you aren't one of those guys who has shamed a woman for her past..... if so, you deserve every bit of this.

[TheGuard13]

I don't understand this mindset. Girls, what good does worrying about your boyfriend cheating do?

 

Your girlfriend seems pretty insecure, at least about this, and if she wants a healthy relationship, she'll need to confront her issues about this and move past it. Unless you've given her any reason to believe you're going to cheat on her, her fears are just that...fears. They should be dealt with. It's inappropriate to bring this up over and over again to you. I consider that sort of thing a form of emotional abuse/manipulation.

[Almond_Joy]

I don't understand this mindset. Girls, what good does worrying about your boyfriend cheating do?

 

Your girlfriend seems pretty insecure, at least about this, and if she wants a healthy relationship, she'll need to confront her issues about this and move past it. Unless you've given her any reason to believe you're going to cheat on her, her fears are just that...fears. They should be dealt with. It's inappropriate to bring this up over and over again to you. I consider that sort of thing a form of emotional abuse/manipulation.

 

No, she is not insecure, and this isn't an issue particular to insecure people.

 

DarrenSteez explained very well in an earlier post that people fall in love with what you present to them in the dating period. Granted, in the honeymoon stage people tend to overlook a lot of bad things, but that doesn't absolve each individual party's responsibility to be wholly honest about their history as it is relevant to the relationship. People who deliver their history piece-meal over the course of the relationship don't seem to understand this. When you withhold important relevant information like this at the start of the relationship, you are hindering the other person from making an informed decision on whether they want to invest in the relationship any further. Just because your history is particularly shameful to you doesn't make it OK to hide it or omit it. And yes, omission of important information like infidelity just because they didn't explicitly ask you is on the same level as lying. It may be uncomfortable to deliver, especially when unsolicited, but two people choosing to enter into a monogamous long term relationship need this information upfront.

 

OP, It's basic decency to just be honest and open. If they can't forgive your past, that's on them, not you. At least in that case you're not hiding anything. I think your gf would have been much more open to looking past your history had you told her about it of your own volition. You let her find out through one of the women you cheated on. Not only does she feel that you indirectly lied to her, but she's seeing first hand evidence of what your infidelity did to another woman. If that woman's so bitter and jaded and hurt over what you did, how the hell is your gf going to be affected if you end up doing the same to her? Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of that.

 

It does seem like you truly regret what you did and want to start fresh. You obviously care a lot about your gf if you've been with her this long and haven't cheated. I hope that if she reads this she is willing to continue the relationship with you. But you may be under close scrutiny and suspicion for a while if she chooses to stay, because this is not a fear that will fade away quickly. And you'll need to accept that as a repercussion of your choice to omit this information from her from the start.

[TheDingo]

I just hope you aren't one of those guys who has shamed a woman for her past..... if so, you deserve every bit of this.

No, I haven't. This is actually my first relationship with a virgin (well she was) and at the same time the longest. I used to avoid them and would relate more to women with more experience.

[TheDingo]

Just because your history is particularly shameful to you doesn't make it OK to hide it or omit it. And yes, omission of important information like infidelity just because they didn't explicitly ask you is on the same level as lying. It may be uncomfortable to deliver, especially when unsolicited, but two people choosing to enter into a monogamous long term relationship need this information upfront.

I thought it wasn't going to come back but I was wrong. It did and is nearly costing my relationship. She is still stock and doesn't know if she can handle this. She didn't know what to reply to my ex gf and upon reading my first thread about how my ex gf caught me cheating with a married woman, she kept saying ''How could you, how could you, you kill whatever self-esteem that woman had''.

OP, It's basic decency to just be honest and open. If they can't forgive your past, that's on them, not you. At least in that case you're not hiding anything. I think your gf would have been much more open to looking past your history had you told her about it of your own volition. You let her find out through one of the women you cheated on. Not only does she feel that you indirectly lied to her, but she's seeing first hand evidence of what your infidelity did to another woman. If that woman's so bitter and jaded and hurt over what you did, how the hell is your gf going to be affected if you end up doing the same to her? Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of that.

I already show her all my threads I made here, even the very first one back then.

It does seem like you truly regret what you did and want to start fresh. You obviously care a lot about your gf if you've been with her this long and haven't cheated.

No, I haven't cheated on her as I made a promise to myself on not ever cheating on another woman again. I saw everything it did and how it destroyed my ex gf who I loved at the time (I know what most of you are going to say ''If you loved her you wouldn't have cheated'') and if there was a magic wand, I would make all her pain go away and return back her self-esteem.

I hope that if she reads this she is willing to continue the relationship with you. But you may be under close scrutiny and suspicion for a while if she chooses to stay, because this is not a fear that will fade away quickly. And you'll need to accept that as a repercussion of your choice to omit this information from her from the start.

This is what I didn't want to happen and it did. I should have been straight forward about it even if not asked but I didn't want to lose her.

 

My dear, I know you've read most of my threads and you can read this one if you want to. I was scared of losing you and that's why I didn't told you about this. I never meant to hurt you really. I love you and this is the longest relationship I've ever had. Tell that my ex gf I'm truly remorseful about my past actions and wish her the best. I was an immature jerk then. I love you and sorry for not sharing this information with you. I won't ever cheat on you.

Edited April 3, 2013 by TheDingo