I need to run away from my life

[kaygato]

I feel like the most angsty person ever when I post on here, but I'm going through a very long rough patch so i guess i can excuse myself.

 

Anyway the last thread I started here got responses that made me feel like a super crappy person, probably because the title of the thread didn't paint me in the most favorable light, but this sub-section is probably more appropriate for my issue anyway. Basically, I just went on a mission with a group of people that included my boyfriend. I felt like it opened my mind, and for the first time in years I actually started to feel faith in life. A lot of things happened that really touched me. I started to get a little crush on one of the guys in our group and that made me a bit upset b/c obviously he wasn't my boyfriend. I don't think there was anything major to this crush...really this guy, even though he presents himself well, isn't really my type and seems like he's probably a player/trouble. Anyway, the mission was still a really good experience for me despite the guy confusion that occurred.

 

For several years of my life (I'm in my young 20s) I've had depression & basically my ability to feel emotions is severely blunted. Excitement, enjoyment, happiness, friendship feelings, love feelings, every positive emotion, is just not near the way it was before. It's made it hard for me to want to be social and my motivation is also very low since the feelings of reward you usually get when you accomplish something are all but gone. This affects my schoolwork & other things. I've been in a relationship w/ my bf for almost 4 years (we broke up once for several mths) & feel guilty b/c I just dont feel those excited love feelings for him. & I know I'm not just rationalizing this to make up an excuse for why I don't have these feelings...Ive felt like this since I was 14 so long before I met my boyfriend.

 

Basically, I don't know how I feel about anything including my bf because I just don't know what my emotions are. I'm planning on getting away and moving to my grandma's house because I can't deal with feeling like I'm lying to my boyfriend anymore, and can't deal with being in the city i've lived in my whole life and having everyone i know see my failure.

 

My mother already suggested I go live with my grandma over the summer and she (gma) would probably welcome me to stay much longer as long as I was helpful because I don't see her often. I'm positive if I tell my bf about this beforehand I'll chicken out and not break up with him so I think I'll have to let him know after I move. I have nothing to lose really. My best friend through childhood and adolescence doesn't live an hour away from my hometown and I don't see her often, & i have no close friends here besides my fam & bf.

 

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has ever gone through something like this, especially having a mental illness that made it hard to have relationships. Or just has had to get away from everything bc things were too overwhelming. I have more to say but this post is too long & I'm sorry about that if uve gotten to this point.

 

Please be gentle with ur responses because I'm already hurt enough as it is. This is not the way I want to be as a person, but only time can change things

[KoKo0]

Everyone has rough patches, I myself had a very long one that I thought things will never get better.

I think you should go with what you are feeling, if you don't have a connection with your boyfriend anymore, even though it has been 4 years, it might seem hard and even weird to think about being without him, but it just doesn't make sense when you can be with someone who you will always love. I think your love died out, because you are young, and you met him I am guessing before your 20's? you're young, love will come and go, things, jobs, people will also come and go, it just how this cycle of life goes. Why can't things be simple?

 

Anyway, maybe you should go to your grandmother's house for a bit, just for a change, a new atmosphere, meet new people. Maybe you will be alot happier? You will never know if you don't make changes, and I know changes is the last thing you want to do when you have depression.

 

Good luck, hope for the best. :bunny: