counselor says i have hangup with drinking from when i was young.

[mandy may]

okay i seen my counselor to day and i talked to her about my hubbys drinking. he drinks some form of alcohol each night even if only some wine. she asked me about drinking habits of family when i was growing up. i said my mom went to the bars alot with my oldest sister and i was left in the care of my other two older sisters whom i promptly ditched and or they ditched me so i learned around age 12-13 to drink on my own and do drugs and meet boys and to run away from home and restrictions from my mom and brother.

 

there was never a father in the picture. i dont think he even knows i was born since he was some one night stand with my mom supposedly, but according to my mom this other guy IS my dad but the guy said no he is not my dad, so my dad is basically non-existent.

 

anyways, the counselor thinks that because of these things that i now exhibit hate towards drinking. and the fact that i was in several drunken abusive relationships over the years with some very violent abuse. i told her that when i am or was with these guys in the past, that i never once thought of the times of growing up and i do not think for one moment that my distate for these guys drinking has anything to do with my growing up years.

 

any opinions on this? i really need to try to see this with an open mind? i wonder if maybe i am just playing it all down, but not really sure if maybe she is putting this in my head now. the last thing i want to do is blame my past or my mom for my hate of drinking now or blame past boyfriends and or relationships.

 

she also said that when one grows up the way that i did, that theyn tend to be control freaks, and i am a major control freak. i have to control my environment and everything and every one in it so i do not have to feel anything uncomfortable.

 

any suggestions would be so greatly appreciated and thanks!

[uriel]

Plenty of people who don't abuse alcohol have a glass of wine with dinner or a couple of beers in the evening. The question is, is the drinking excessive (meaning leading to regular drunkenness, blackouts)? Is it impairing his ability to work or relate or function? Is it something he absolutely needs to get through the day?

 

If not, you're probably uptight because of your past. Most people who like a particular pleasure (chocolate, sex, etc.), would like a little every day. That doesn't mean they're addicted or out of control with it.

 

If you find you're just worrying too much that the past will repeat itself, you should shift your focus from trying to fix him to trusting yourself and making a life that's interesting and rich on its own. Focus on the good in the present and the possibility of the future. That will loosen the hold of the past.

 

-- uriel

[UnicornGirl]

You are probably greatly affected by drinking when growing up. It may be difficult to come to terms with, but if someone's drinking bothered you when growing up, you are quite likely affected even years later. With your past history of relationships, I would guess that you could benefit from some examination of your past.

 

I suggest you check out the following resources.

 

1. "Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics" -- see if any of these describe you.

http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/subabuse2.htm

 

2. Find out if you grew up in what would be considered an "alcoholic home" --

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/adult/a/aa110597.htm

 

The person whose drinking bothered you need not be a falling-down drunk to have affected you. Many children are affected by problem drinking in the family, "problem drinking" being defined as anything that affected your life -- financially, responsibility-wise (as it seems to have affected you), etc. Children that grew up in problem-drinking homes are often forced to become "little adults," and that can affect your worldview as you grow older.

 

It is important that you educate yourself in this area because it may shed light on some problems in your personal life and relationships. It's common for people who grew up thinking problem drinking was "normal," as I and probably you, too, did, to feel surprised when they hear it affects them so significantly even after years of independent living.

[moimeme]

Well, you know what? I wasn't affected at all by anybody drinking in my youth but I would not think it a good thing that someone drink every single day. I have maybe a drink every couple of months. It's not that good a substance to be ingesting regularly at minimum and it's kind of expensive.

 

It just seems to me that anybody I've ever known who drank something every day graduated to drinking something more every day. It seems too easy a habit to get into and it can become a slippery slope to dependence. What concerns me, and what might concern you, too, mandy may, would be if your husband seems to need to drink every day and gets grouchy if he can't.

[guest]

I dont think that one has to be personnally affected by drinking in the past to be against it. even though i was, as my grandfather was an alcoholic, i always considered any use of alcohol as a weakness, either as a surrender to peer pressure or a coward's way to gain courage. i personnally dont tolerate it, wont buy it, and will not have it around me. If people around me dont like that, it's their problem, and they are no friends of mine anyway if they dont respect my positions. i know some people who use it occasionally, but i always come to lose respect for them, in that they usually end up having "one too many" and make fools out of themselves. Since one can never completely trust a drunk, it just knocks them way down the trust scale in my opinion.

 

It seeems everyone makes excuses for drinking, most are lame at best. Wine after a meal for the heart, etc... But fo the life of me i cant see one substantive positive affect of taking a drink---every example only exposes one to a slippery slope of sure destruction. it has caused much more damage than it ever has good, or ever will.

 

i feel like you do---if your husband only needs one drink, then why does he need any??? he should just cut it out for your sake, if you let him know that it bothers you, regardless of where the alcohol fear comes from. tell him to take an aspirin for his heart!!! if you are like me, then you see no need to worry that 1 drink leads to 2, etc. etc.