Am I missing the point?

[Flying Goose]

Looking at bf/gf relationships, it seems (to my objective self), to be in a way quite a strange (and quite comical) situation people put themselves in. I wonder - why does it have to be so complicated? When looked at cynically, it appears to be a mix of ritualistic behaviours that in way complicate what I think is simple. Why does it have to be a matter of 'you're mine and nobody elses', why all the obsessions with changing people, why complicate things with sex, what has her pretty eyes got to do with anything, why must she be shorter than you, why must he always call you, why must he be older and wealthier than you?

 

The questions are not being posed about married couples whose objective is to produce 2.4 chidren, educate them well and spend half of their lives being proud of them, the other half trying to correct their 'flaws'. It's about the late teen couples and early 20ers playing the dating game. The simple desire for company, becomes trascended into the intricate mess of entanglements, disagreements and painful departures. Yet, it could barely be said they were really pursuing their future (with the 2.4 kids) as of yet. Merely they find ways of alleviating their boredom and satisfying their desires for company and the great feeling of being important to someone.

 

Maybe it's just me. Perhaps I just have an odd understanding, where the person doesn't have to be some standardised parter, where it isn't about the peculiarities that make it a 'relationship' and not just a friendship. It seems what I want is to be able to communicate freely without being greeted with the tiresome acts of false interest - where they nodd persistently, but you sort of feel they couldn't care less, to feel important (quite pathetic I know), etc, etc. It seems however, society is constructed such that there are friendships and there are relationships (as above). To your friends, you are just another person, not particularly important - just somebody to pass time with. To your boy/girlfriends you're special, unique and interesting. This would seem great, were it not for the appendages of such interrelations - the expectations, the search for Mr./Mrs. Right, the 'boyfriend-material' vs. 'just a friend', the games that people play.

 

Why do simple things have to be made so complicated? Why can't it just be ok to indulge in our selfish natures without making things so complicated, we forget what we wanted in the first place. Or is that not what people want - have I missed the point?

[bluetuesday]

Goose, I'm confused.

 

Isn't it the case that indulging our selfish natures is the very thing that causes the game playing and the complications you're so tired of?

 

Selfishness IS the reason for the intricate entanglements, disagreements and painful departures you mention. Anyone in a relationship who puts themself first, who gives back only as much as they're getting, is constantly needing their own ego fed and who quits as soon as an imbalance threatens is acting selfishly.

 

Games only stop when you grow up, and start focusing on what the other person needs. That's the only way I've ever found to have a mature, adult relationship. But I'm 32 and it's taken me this long to figure it out.

 

Claiming people as yours and trying to changing them to be what YOU want them to be or think they should be are supremely selfish acts - the very thing you seem to be promoting.

 

I agree that game playing is a stupid, immature and tiresome way to act (not that I haven't done it on occasion, come on, i'm human) but surely if you don't want to play by those rules and deal with those consequences what you're looking for is the very opposite of selfishness.

[Flying Goose]

Originally posted by bluetuesday

Goose, I'm confused.

 

Isn't it the case that indulging our selfish natures is the very thing that causes the game playing and the complications you're so tired of?

 

Selfishness IS the reason for the intricate entanglements, disagreements and painful departures you mention. Anyone in a relationship who puts themself first, who gives back only as much as they're getting, is constantly needing their own ego fed and who quits as soon as an imbalance threatens is acting selfishly.

 

Games only stop when you grow up, and start focusing on what the other person needs. That's the only way I've ever found to have a mature, adult relationship. But I'm 32 and it's taken me this long to figure it out.

 

Claiming people as yours and trying to changing them to be what YOU want them to be or think they should be are supremely selfish acts - the very thing you seem to be promoting.

 

I agree that game playing is a stupid, immature and tiresome way to act (not that I haven't done it on occasion, come on, i'm human) but surely if you don't want to play by those rules and deal with those consequences what you're looking for is the very opposite of selfishness.

 

It's a bit tricky to get across what I mean. I'll try a different way.

 

It's like this. After a reasonable amount of thought - I conclude that, as much as I'd like not to be, I am emotionally driven. I can supress/disregard my emotions, but in doing so I lose all drive to do anything and become irreparably apathetic. Thus, emotions are, if only for my sanity, beneficial. Sadly, I, like most people I guess, suffer from the affliction of being influenced by social factors. Hence, I am made happier in certain companies and less so in others. I am emotionally reinforced by certain friendships and destroyed by some other interactions with people.

 

However, what annoys me is this. It seems a girl cannot (in general) be very good friends with a boy, without either being in a 'relationship' together or both being in independent relationships. Unattached individuals seem to strike a note of deep fear in the hearts of boyfriends/girlfriends. And in the case of two unattached persons, a request to watch a movie is greeted almost invariably with sceptical inquisition. Hence - why does it have to be so complicated?

 

Unfortunately for me, I'm emotionally driven towards more empathetic characters. In this culture, that is almost invariably restricted to the female population. I don't wish to go down the path of a relationship for fear of the consequences for my sanity and the awareness that I would benefit little from the 'appendages' of such interactions. However, it seems I'm not allowed to really like someone of the opposite sex and have this reciprocated without unease/fear/scepticism/misinterpretation. Can anyone see what I mean?