How would you react to this if your exMM did this to you?????

[Got it]

they were found to be sexual deviants? A local news story recently came out (not me and not my exMM, lol) about an MM whose previous OW (she had broken up with him and went NC, although he hasn't been respecting that) reported that he was peeping on her!!!! She apparently caught him parking outside her street at night and taking pictures of her - and yes, masturbating to those pictures in the car.

 

I can't even imagine how this would change my perception of my exMM if he had done this! Apparently, the guy is going to court and will have some fairly serious legal repurcussions - not to mention the entire town knows about it (front page of the paper, names and all).

 

Who stays in a relationship with someone like this? I mean, especially and affair - considering they already have the one mark against them since they are married to someone else.

 

How would you Others respond to something like this? Oh, also - the guy won't stop lying about it - he is denying, denying, denying (apparently to his wife too, who decided to remain with him after the affair was discovered) - problem is - neighbors saw him and took pictures of him taking pictures of the exOW in her windows...

 

WTF? I am beyond interested to see how this one plays out - but couldn't help but think to myself, "Nope"... lol. Thoughts?

 

How would I react? To the extent that the law would allow. Pathetic.

[MissBee]

I'm still not sure how this is specifically related to OW/OM issues. It seems that this peeping tom so happens to have had an affair, but that any woman, OW or not, who finds herself with an ex who is a peeping tom won't be pleased. I'm not sure what makes it specifically an OW/OM issue.

 

Are OW/OM supposed to have more or less tolerance for Peeping Toms than other people?

 

If I were married to a peeping tom, I'd divorce him if I found out.

 

If my exAP became a peeping tom...LOL welll...I would be sickened and would call the police on him if I asked him to stop and he didn't.

[stevie_23]

Maybe OW / OM ARE supposed to have more tolerance for deviant or unacceptable behaviour because in order for them to BE the OW / OM, their AP is already engaging in unacceptable behaviour by having the A in the first place.

 

Though peeping toms / sexual deviants and people having affairs are not quite the same in my book. Lol.

[AnotherRound]

I'm still not sure how this is specifically related to OW/OM issues. It seems that this peeping tom so happens to have had an affair, but that any woman, OW or not, who finds herself with an ex who is a peeping tom won't be pleased. I'm not sure what makes it specifically an OW/OM issue.

 

Are OW/OM supposed to have more or less tolerance for Peeping Toms than other people?

 

If I were married to a peeping tom, I'd divorce him if I found out.

 

If my exAP became a peeping tom...LOL welll...I would be sickened and would call the police on him if I asked him to stop and he didn't.

 

No insinuation at all intended - this story is specifically about an exMM and exOW and him peeping on her after staying in his marriage after the affair being discovered. I was simply asking other OWs how they would react if this happened to them with their ex or current MMs. It's an actual story that is happening - that actually involves and exOW and an exMM and his wife.

[ThatJustHappened]

No insinuation at all intended - this story is specifically about an exMM and exOW and him peeping on her after staying in his marriage after the affair being discovered. I was simply asking other OWs how they would react if this happened to them with their ex or current MMs. It's an actual story that is happening - that actually involves and exOW and an exMM and his wife.

 

OWs and MM do a lot of things, including but not limited to eating, sleeping, drinking, and walking. Will your next question be- what would you do if your MM farted in bed with you? Well..what would a person in a normal relationship do in that situation? Just take that answer and apply it to your question to OWs. It'll probably be the same. We're all human. Peeping is creepy no matter who is doing it and to whom and regardless of either person's sexual habits or relationship status.

 

PS, I do agree that it sounds like you have a ton of animosity towards BSs.

[cocorico]

Maybe OW / OM ARE supposed to have more tolerance for deviant or unacceptable behaviour because in order for them to BE the OW / OM, their AP is already engaging in unacceptable behaviour by having the A in the first place.

 

 

Unacceptable to whom? The BS?

 

If it were unacceptable to either the MM or the OW, they would not be engaging in it.

[ThatJustHappened]

Unacceptable to whom? The BS?

 

If it were unacceptable to either the MM or the OW, they would not be engaging in it.

 

Unacceptable to most societies that have internet capabilities and are able to post on this site.

 

Come on. Regardless of how you feel about it, you can't be naive enough to think that your opinion is the majority opinion. Most people view cheating as unacceptable.

[MissBee]

No insinuation at all intended - this story is specifically about an exMM and exOW and him peeping on her after staying in his marriage after the affair being discovered. I was simply asking other OWs how they would react if this happened to them with their ex or current MMs. It's an actual story that is happening - that actually involves and exOW and an exMM and his wife.

 

I understand that it is an actual story, didn't think you were making it up at all. But as I said, I was a bit confused, as just because it involved people who had an A, didn't really make it an OW issue in my book. I'm not a mod though, but based on threads I've seen them remove from here before to other areas, this read to me like one of those that would qualify because it's not in fact really specific to people in As. I felt it was obvious that no one would be pleased with a peeping tom exMM, exbf, exneighbor etc lol, so was wondering if the question had some aspect I didn't understand, like what stevie pointed out, where maybe OW/OM are supposed to accept this or something because of having been in an A. Because otherwise, when I read: "How would you Others respond to something like this? " I was like huh, should the reaction of "others" differ from the reaction of anyone else who found something like this out, is that why it is an OW/OM issue? In any case, thanks for clarifying!

Edited March 19, 2013 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Unacceptable to whom? The BS?

 

If it were unacceptable to either the MM or the OW, they would not be engaging in it.

 

What's unacceptable isn't strictly based on individual preferences.

 

We have societies and if you're a part of one, there is a consensus, enacted before you were even born, that determines what is acceptable/unacceptable.

 

Maybe in your society affairs are only unacceptable to the BS but to everyone else they are okay. But that society is a bizarre one that upon reading here, you'll realize always stands at odds with where everyone else comes from. You should be aware by now that most people on here do not share you culture or society, so it shouldn't be odd to you when they make statements like "As are unacceptable."

 

It is also false that a MM/OW would not engage in an A if they thought it unacceptable. Really? That is why no MM/OW has conflict, guilt, hide the A, are afraid of telling people, etc. because it is acceptable to them? Lots of OW/OM come here and start off their threads saying they know it isn't the greatest thing "but xyz." Only a handful come here saying they see nothing wrong, most others, if you look around, would never argue that an A is acceptable. We often talk about black and white thinking, and frankly, it is black and white to think that people only engage in behaviors they see as acceptable and don't if they deem it otherwise lol. How wonderful that would be! But unfortunately, human beings are notorious for doing things that conflict with their values, feelings, loyalties etc ALL the time.

Edited March 19, 2013 by MissBee

[Quiet Storm]

Sexual deviancy is a whole other topic I guess - but I really wonder about the women who stand by these men (the wife apparently is in this situation?) - about their stability and self esteem and such. And, the wife must be humiliated too that everyone in town knows that she stayed with him after the affair and that he has pined for this OW for apparently YEARS (and needed pics of the exOW for sexual satisfaction, which is another tidbit that is going around... ugh!)

 

 

 

I think it's interesting that you found a way to romanticize the situation.

 

For most people reading the story, the affair would not be a factor. I think most people would conclude that this guy is a pervert who obviously needs help. They would sympathize with the wife the same way most people would sympathize with the spouse of any criminal or addict.

 

But instead of focusing on his dysfunction (and possibly asking the question in the sex & health forum), you focus on the OW/MM aspect. And then you spin it to include veiled digs at BS's, pointing out how he's "pining" for the OW and needs pics of her for sexual satisfaction.

 

Do you see something romantic about this situation, Another Round? Do you think this OW is somehow sexually superior to BS because a pervert chooses to peek in her windows instead of getting his needs met by his wife? That's the impression I got, especially from the quoted part of your post.

[wisernow]

I think it's interesting that you found a way to romanticize the situation.

 

For most people reading the story, the affair would not be a factor. I think most people would conclude that this guy is a pervert who obviously needs help. They would sympathize with the wife the same way most people would sympathize with the spouse of any criminal or addict.

 

But instead of focusing on his dysfunction (and possibly asking the question in the sex & health forum), you focus on the OW/MM aspect. And then you spin it to include veiled digs at BS's, pointing out how he's "pining" for the OW and needs pics of her for sexual satisfaction.

 

Do you see something romantic about this situation, Another Round? Do you think this OW is somehow sexually superior to BS because a pervert chooses to peek in her windows instead of getting his needs met by his wife? That's the impression I got, especially from the quoted part of your post.

 

Thank you QS for making the point that I was (poorly) trying to make. Of course, my post must have triggered as it was deleted.

[AnotherRound]

why would an other woman ( or other man) react any differently than anyone else to having someone look in through their windows at them? I would think that almost everyone would find that pretty creepy...

 

I agree that most would find it creepy whatever their label. I think it's even creepier that it was the exMM of this particular OW, that's all. I don't want anyone peeping on me - but an exMM? I dunno - that just seems creepier and I wondered if any other OW would agree.

 

I realize that this is not an OW only issue - but this particular news story is specifically about a fOW and her exMM - and it just made me think what I would do or how I would react if it was me and my exMM. And I agree with above - I would press charges - although the added twist of it being someone I had been intimate with and broken up with would add some weirdness to the whole situation, imo.

[MissBee]

I agree that most would find it creepy whatever their label. I think it's even creepier that it was the exMM of this particular OW, that's all. I don't want anyone peeping on me - but an exMM? I dunno - that just seems creepier and I wondered if any other OW would agree.

 

I realize that this is not an OW only issue - but this particular news story is specifically about a fOW and her exMM - and it just made me think what I would do or how I would react if it was me and my exMM. And I agree with above - I would press charges - although the added twist of it being someone I had been intimate with and broken up with would add some weirdness to the whole situation, imo.

 

What makes it creepier because he's an exMM? Just curious.

 

It's all downright creepy to me. Irrespective of marital status.

[eleanorrigby]

What makes it creepier because he's an exMM? Just curious.

 

It's all downright creepy to me. Irrespective of marital status.

 

The creepiest to me would be someone I didn't know at all, creepy and scary.

[MissBee]

The creepiest to me would be someone I didn't know at all, creepy and scary.

 

I'm not even sure which would be the worst.

 

In fact I'd prefer a stranger. But when you know the person, it forever alters your view of them and is even more awkward to process. I can process a random creep a bit better. It's like date/acquaintance rape, which is often more damaging emotionally, as one trusted this person and there is an added betrayal and doubting of your judgment when someone you know rapes you, while being the victim of a stranger impacts your psyche a little less in that regard.

 

Lots of things affect how I'd feel but whether he is an exMM is the least of those factors. Actually I wouldn't be concerned with it at all. Him having a wife, in this case, is totally irrelevant to his peeping tom-maturbatory antics. Unless an argument is being made that the wives of married peeping toms are neglecting their duties since the husband manages to peep, whereas a single peeper is more understandable as he has no wife to monitor his behavior.

Edited March 19, 2013 by MissBee

[eleanorrigby]

I was looking at it like, if I know the person, he's an ex of mine, at least I'd have a little confidence that he wasn't going to come in and kill me.

 

(unless of course him being scary was the reason we broke up)

 

But a total stranger would scare the bejesus out of me, they could have anything up their sleeve, rape, murder, skin suits.

 

*shiver*

[AnotherRound]

What makes it creepier because he's an exMM? Just curious.

 

It's all downright creepy to me. Irrespective of marital status.

 

When I read the story, and then started hearing more about it around town - I just kept thinking how it would change my feelings for exMM if I found out he was a creeper. I mean, it would be creepy if it was a stranger too, obvs, but at least with a stranger it would be kind of random??? But for exMM to be creeping on me after I ended it, and I had no idea and then found out - it would mean that he wasn't the person I thought he was - but a creeper.

 

I guess that's what I was thinking when I heard the story - just like, if that was my exMM I would be disappointed to find out that he was a creeper, lol.

[AnotherRound]

I was looking at it like, if I know the person, he's an ex of mine, at least I'd have a little confidence that he wasn't going to come in and kill me.

 

(unless of course him being scary was the reason we broke up)

 

But a total stranger would scare the bejesus out of me, they could have anything up their sleeve, rape, murder, skin suits.

 

*shiver*

 

I can see this. Although I will say, if my exMM was creeping on me, taking pics and masturbating in his car to me (ew!), it would make me consider the possibility that he is unstable and maybe to the point that I would be "scared" of him in that way too. Like, maybe I missed something about him and what he is capable of?

[AnotherRound]

I'm not even sure which would be the worst.

 

In fact I'd prefer a stranger. But when you know the person, it forever alters your view of them and is even more awkward to process. I can process a random creep a bit better. It's like date/acquaintance rape, which is often more damaging emotionally, as one trusted this person and there is an added betrayal and doubting of your judgment when someone you know rapes you, while being the victim of a stranger impacts your psyche a little less in that regard.

 

Lots of things affect how I'd feel but whether he is an exMM is the least of those factors. Actually I wouldn't be concerned with it at all. Him having a wife, in this case, is totally irrelevant to his peeping tom-maturbatory antics. Unless an argument is being made that the wives of married peeping toms are neglecting their duties since the husband manages to peep, whereas a single peeper is more understandable as he has no wife to monitor his behavior.

 

It wasn't about him being an exMM except that he was creeping on his former OW who had broken it off with him (according to the town). That's the only reason that played into it - and the reason I asked OWs about it, bc that was just a twist of this particular story and I was curious as to how they would react if their exMM or even current MM was doing this.

 

Anyone could apply it to any ex, but in this situation, it was an exMM and fOW... so, it was something I could easily hypothetically relate to in thinking if it was me and my exMM, that's all.

[wisernow]

It wasn't about him being an exMM except that he was creeping on his former OW who had broken it off with him (according to the town). That's the only reason that played into it - and the reason I asked OWs about it, bc that was just a twist of this particular story and I was curious as to how they would react if their exMM or even current MM was doing this.

 

Anyone could apply it to any ex, but in this situation, it was an exMM and fOW... so, it was something I could easily hypothetically relate to in thinking if it was me and my exMM, that's all.

 

So it's only gossip that she was even a FOW? That could have also been a made up story (as an alibi of sorts) by the creep/peeper MM. Maybe he told the police, or his friends around Mayberry that she (FOW) was into that kind of thing. Sounds like a bunch of gossip.

 

But had it happened to me? Yea, I'd be freaked out for sure.

Edited March 19, 2013 by wisernow

[AnotherRound]

So it's only gossip that she was even a FOW? That could have also been a made up story (as an alibi of sorts) by the creep/peeper MM. Maybe he told the police, or his friends around Mayberry that she (FOW) was into that kind of thing. Sounds like a bunch of gossip.

 

But had it happened to me? Yea, I'd be freaked out for sure.

 

No, I mean it wasn't in the paper that she was the fOW... lol. Sorry I wasn't clear on that. Many people in town were aware that they were a couple (for about 10 years), but that wasn't specified in the paper - only their names were given. Our paper doesn't seem to follow any kind of normal patterns in that they often print things that I think aren't really "news" but gossip - but hey, it's a small town, I guess they struggle for things to fill it up once a week, lol.

 

I don't doubt that they were involved previously - and have a friend who thinks that the fOW orchestrated the whole thing so she could sue him. I have no idea - I just thought it was a creepy story and imagined how I would feel if it had been me and my exMM or even my exH and his OW if he and I were still married...

 

Consensus is, definitely creepy. lol

[spice4life]

Definitely crreeeepy! There are a couple of creepy behavioral things being discussed...lol. this and ex's breaking in and rifling through underwear? Oy vey. Strange stuff...very strange indeed.

[Got it]

In college I was a RA (Resident Assistant) one year and my floor was the first floor of an all girls dorm. We had a peeper issue a few times. We were told that there was one in town and had "hit" a few times. It freaked the girls out who found him peeping but I don't think we realized then how far it can go. We just saw it as some creepy guy who got his jollies looking in the window of girls.

[LFH]

pointing out how he's "pining" for the OW and needs pics of her for sexual satisfaction.

When I read the question earlier I initially and inaccurately misunderstood that was the situation, that this was a guy that had gotten hung up on his fOW and that's why he was acting like a creeper and what we would do if that happened. The fact that he's ALWAYS been a creeper does make the OW part fairly irrelevant. It's gross and creepy and scary no matter who would be doing it. The fact that you know him would both increase and decrease the ick factor in different ways. No matter what peeking in your windows, violating your privacy, those things are no ok no matter who did it.

 

 

I agree that most would find it creepy whatever their label. I think it's even creepier that it was the exMM of this particular OW, that's all. I don't want anyone peeping on me - but an exMM? I dunno - that just seems creepier and I wondered if any other OW would agree.

 

I realize that this is not an OW only issue - but this particular news story is specifically about a fOW and her exMM - and it just made me think what I would do or how I would react if it was me and my exMM. And I agree with above - I would press charges - although the added twist of it being someone I had been intimate with and broken up with would add some weirdness to the whole situation, imo.

I don't think it makes it creepier, weirder maybe, but not creepier. It's like rape, it's no less rape just because you know the person.

 

I was looking at it like, if I know the person, he's an ex of mine, at least I'd have a little confidence that he wasn't going to come in and kill me.

 

(unless of course him being scary was the reason we broke up)

 

But a total stranger would scare the bejesus out of me, they could have anything up their sleeve, rape, murder, skin suits.

 

*shiver*

 

I don't know Eleanor...I think that part would scare me more, because the fact that they could do that would mean I'd never known what they were capable of at all. That's scary. Plus, I think a lot of weird violence tends to escalate when they know the person. At least that's what it seems to be on Law & Order, it's always the weirdest stuff when they knew the person.

*shivers along with you*

[ThatJustHappened]

I was looking at it like, if I know the person, he's an ex of mine, at least I'd have a little confidence that he wasn't going to come in and kill me.

 

(unless of course him being scary was the reason we broke up)

 

But a total stranger would scare the bejesus out of me, they could have anything up their sleeve, rape, murder, skin suits.

 

*shiver*

 

Actually more rape, murder, and kidnapping involves people who already know each other, even if it's just casually or from afar. It's very rare for a serial killer to choose victims at random.