Working with it all the best I can

[somewhere in town]

I'll explain where I'm at as succinctly as possible, yet there is a great deal of ground to cover.

 

I'm in my 30s. I have a great job doing something I always wanted to do.

 

By most people's descriptions about me, one of the things that comes up is that I can be a very sensitive man. I know this and accept it for what it is. Sometimes, I find a lot of comfort in not being ultra-aggressive and exceptionally difficult around others. I like that I can communicate with a wide scale of people. People seem to value my openness. Part of my job requires doing more than a few brave things, circumstances where I have to take some risk. All that aside, I still find myself somewhat shy outside work, and I stink at risk-taking outside this work I am passionate about. Socially, it can be very hard for me to rev up for an event. I can be very sentimental and if something reminds me of something or someone I miss, I feel that emotion very strongly. I am recovering from PTSD and find myself doing a great deal of avoidance. It's something that's getting dealt with.

 

What this ends up getting me . . . even after two decades of being an adult and about 25 years of wishing for a lasting relationship that mattered . . . is almost always friendzoned. I've probably lost thousands of hours in dead-end dates - too many dinners bought, too many conversations that go no place. Pushing 40, I still dream of a day where a woman asks me out and makes a really big deal about me.

 

I was bullied heavily as a child - pretty well had my youth destroyed by it. There are still places and reminders that sit badly with me. There is a sense of being left out that I struggle with quite often and it makes social situations and even certain kinds of humor very hard on me.

 

I can usually get out for a first date, but I know there is something I have got to be doing that is making any future past day or night one to never happen. Dating has actually shown me a very mean side of the world, and I feel a million miles away from ever seeing a warm connection, let alone the marriage and family I always dreamed about.

 

This whole thing wasn't a huge concern to me in years past, but as I'm getting older - I'm getting increasingly afraid. I am aware of the condition of incel and feel a deep empathy for those who face it. I don't have that problem, yet I feel I'm in the world of the next-door neighbor of it. I've been in a couple long-term relationships. They typically were not good. I was not loved as well as I deserved most of the time. It isn't intended to be a cocky statement - it's not even comfortable for me to say such a thing. I found myself trying to fix her problems much of the time in these relationships, and I knew that was my mistake.

 

I have an online dating profile. It is hard for me to continue to want to run it. All I see are demands, expectations, and women walling themselves up so badly, I'm surprised that anyone's still having sex anymore. I send thirty messages that paid careful and considerate attention to what she has to say or show, and maybe I'll get one or two very non-committal nods.

 

I'm not desperate all the time, but the sadness is setting in deeper than it ever has. I see the lines on my face that weren't there before and the first gray hairs. And a fear I've never had before. The fear is real. This was a very hard thing to write, but something has to change for me. I would be very happy to hear any kind of counsel or advice.

[Joan Clyde Parafina]

I may not know you. I may not really have a real thought of what you're really going through. But one thing is for sure, I can back you up by a simple prayer tonight. I don't know how it will work, but definitely it will. I hope and I pray that all your fears will be conquered, and all of your aspirations will come true. Things come to our senses when we finally realize it. And congratulations for being one! Now the next step is NOT only to figure out what's wrong with your past lover/s (life) or where do you fall short in your life. The focal issue here is, what do you really settle for- in general aspect. Maybe there are something in your life that you need to work out in able to push you into a higher and deeper level of commitment. And I presume that it cuts both ways to do so. Set a foot forward, I bet, all is set!

[TouchedByViolet]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle. Life is unpredictable and unfair. I hope it comes together for you one day.

[Roadkill007]

hey, first of all, I sincerely hope that your personal life will take a turn, even if my motivation is solely from you going through something I quite fear for myself in the near future.

 

It doesn't help that I feel that your situation is a self-reciprocating problem. Similar to how simply not having had a job recently could hurt your chances of getting hired, not having had that special someone in your life is not only wearing you down mentally, but also perhaps negatively altering people's possible initial perception of you. Maybe you're also letting yourself give it a try with someone who you may feel won't be good for you, but just in case it works out.

 

I think you should have other venues for meeting possible SOs than just some internet dating site. Do you have some sort of hobby that people socialize for at times? When's the last time you've traveled? Do you frequent some other place where it's not out of the ordinary to start talking to people you don't know?

 

besides a possible lack of opportunity, perhaps your sadness is getting to you enough to prevent from you from simply enjoying events as they come? If the sadness is dulling your ability to enjoy, then that itself may negatively impact possible relationships. Do you think even when you're laughing and having a good time, that it's not a wholehearted laugh? That some part of you is still bringing you down even if you should be completely enjoying the moment? if so, even though your love life may not be good, perhaps you can focus a bit more on parts of your life that really do make you happy. So for example, perhaps rather than desperately spend all your spare time trying to find a connection through dating, do something else that somehow completes you inside. It would also help if that something can somehow facilitate socialization. Sharing a moment of unrestricted enthusiasm for something you are passionate about with someone may perhaps land you someone special in your life.

 

Whatever you do do to try to solve this issue, you shouldn't give in to the fear. Your hope of finding someone is only over when you've decided that it's not possible yourself. I've known of couples that have met in their 50s and didn't seem any less intimate for not having come together earlier in their lives. In fact, some of them attributed their love to their experiences prior to meeting, in the sense that they appreciated each other more than they would have earlier in their lives. I don't know if what I wrote here will help you, but I hope you do find your answer. Good luck

[hppr]

It sounds to me like you need to be more assertive in your dealings with other people. That's the main feeling I get from reading your post anyways. Being a 30something year old single man with a job you love and no kids (I'm guessing) is a big plus as well. Thing is, if you aren't assertive towards women but still want to date...you'll get women who want to be assertive with you. This is almost always a bad thing. You have to take the lead if you want a woman who appreciates and respects you.