My Ex/GF is becoming dangerously obsessed with me

[DirgeInferno]

Hey. I'll (attempt) to make this brief, but it probably won't be. It's a lengthy post to show how progressively strange/dangerous the situation has become.

 

So, for your vulgar delectation, here is my story.

 

Details of the relationship are we dated for 7 entertaining and wonderful years. I'm 25, she's 24.

 

She initiated the breakup because she wanted a family NOW, I was looking into grad school, and she couldn't deal with the fact that I made random female friends through college. I never hung out with any of them, mind you, nor did I take it further than chats when I'd see them at school or random Facebook blurbs. I have always been faithful to her, both emotionally and physically.

 

It wasn't bad at first. It was painful to lose her, but ultimately I wanted her to be happy, and I knew I couldn't deliver what she wanted. I chose to not be selfish. We had been having serious problems for the better part of 6 or 7 months anyway, so I was just over it when it became officially over. I had been slowly getting over her in those months. The breakup was her idea, but it felt mutual.

 

Well, we have been broken up for about 2 months. Clean break, no contact at all. About 2 weeks ago, I received a batch of emails from her about a girl I was chatting up on Facebook. The thing is, these were private messages. Naturally, dating for 7 years, you share everything. She had the password to my Facebook, and I forgot to change it because in my naivety, the thought of her stalking it never entered my brain.

 

I responded to ONE, saying I respect her as a person, I'm not going down that alley, and we aren't bf/gf anymore, so my business is my business. Please stop.

 

Here are a few choice excerpts from her after.

 

"Don't want me back? After 7 years? You're lying. How does it feel to lie to me? Do you enjoy it?"

 

"Whatever, I'm not going to argue with you. Go lie every damn day of your life if it makes you feel better. Are you just lonely and curious? Do you miss me?"

 

"Haha. THIS is exactly how you act when you're guilty. You ignore me. Too afraid to admit it, are we? You're obviously changing into a man I didn't stick around for. Don't you even acknowledge the way I feel? Are you really over there hating me? Before you respond, make damn sure what you're saying, because I won't be here for any "want me back" talk."

 

Of course, I knew it would only end badly if I replied to ANY of it, so I ignored them all. Fine for a few days, but then I get this next batch.

 

"**** you. I don't even know you! You play SO many ****ing games. I pour my heart out and get nothing? **** you. The only thing you ever wanted was to stick your dick in me. **** you."

 

"Well, if you're not going to reply to the messages, I see no point in sending any more to you. So, goodbye."

 

No, I still didn't reply. Worst is over right? Nope. I got this a few days ago..

 

"Change your passwords."

 

I did before, but I forgot to reset the email password, which she used to gain access again. I check my FB and there are probably 30 women deleted/blocked from my friend list (whatever, no big deal), then a status she posted under my account that was something like "I hope you feel my pain and it eats away at you EVERY day. I hope you never rest again."

 

Creepy.

 

I had a conversation with my sister on Facebook that same day, because she was visiting for the weekend and asked if I could make her one of my classic dishes we had growing up for lunch. I agreed and told her to come over. Apparently my ex had been signed in as well, reading the entire thing (this was the same session I JUST changed my password.)

 

More emails.

 

"Wow, hope you have a good time with your sister. You don't give a **** about me. My pain isn't real to you. She couldn't get her own ****ing lunch, huh? You having a fun time laughing while I cry? Go care about her. Don't worry, lesson learned! All that matters in life is how pretty you are! So be shallow and even your brother will revolve around you! Keep pretending I don't exist, you're really good at it! :)"

 

"You're a ****ing heartless, evil, inconsiderate little BOY. I would take back every last thing we ever did if I could. I regret it all!"

 

"How can you do this to me? HOW? Can you really ignore me and go about your life like nothing is happening? Am I really that little to you? You're just a sociopath, aren't you? You're completely incapable of feeling empathy for others. This is all just a good act you perform to fit in."

 

"You're unbelievable! It's like all you want is to see me end up dying in the cold, raped and left for dead. Or maybe you'd want to see me kill myself from a broken heart."

 

I have no clue where she is getting any of this from, since the breakup was fine, I didn't badmouth her, talk behind her back, or respond to any of the emails to lead her to believe I'd want her to be "raped" or dying homeless in the cold! I don't want that at all. I never said anything of the sort in my entire life.

 

I can't go to the police or that avenue with any of this stuff, because I live in a major Metropolitan city with real problems, so they'd likely just giggle/laugh in my face. This is what I'm assuming, anyway.

 

I will continue ignoring (which is my plan right now), but I can sense things getting more dangerous and it's beginning to freak me out.

 

Any ideas from people who possibly have experience with a situation like this?

[Mint Sauce]

after 7 years you went straight to NC after the BU talk? I get the impression it wasn't really mutual. She's in much more pain than you are. As you say, it appears you fully detached during the last months, while she didn't.

 

My 2 cent, probably in disagreement with LS policy, is that you don't go NC so suddenly after 7 years together. I'd say you need to end this more gently. Talk to her, show her you still care (although it actually sounds as if you don't, you just find her creepy...), but that it's not meant to be. Suggest her to go to counseling, or at least really seek out friends and family for support.

[DirgeInferno]

after 7 years you went straight to NC after the BU talk? I get the impression it wasn't really mutual. She's in much more pain than you are. As you say, it appears you fully detached during the last months, while she didn't.

 

Yes, we did, but only at her request. I wanted to stay friends. Eventually we'd drift apart completely, of course, but it was 7 years together. That's not just a "k, goodbye" and that's that. She said she wanted to be left alone, it was over, no point in pretending to be friends. It was all bizarrely detached. She wanted zero to do with me to the point of ignoring me after the breakup.

[Mack05]

"You're a ****ing heartless, evil, inconsiderate little BOY. I would take back every last thing we ever did if I could. I regret it all!"

 

This is more or less exactly what my last ex said to me! I can tell you the mistakes I made in this situation.

 

I tried to make peace. It's usually completely pointless when are dealing with emotionally immature people like this. They feel you are 100% at fault and they project and gaslight their feelings/emotions/opinions onto you. Now (like me) I am sure you were not perfect, but no one deserves this kind of vicious verbal attack(s). Mine were actually a lot worse than that.

 

I know many would advise you stay NC and the is probably what you should do. Firstly change ALL your passwords. Secondly I would reply with.

 

Dear (Her name),

 

I am really saddened you feel this way. My intention was never to hurt you. Losing a 7 year relationship has been very hard for me too. For various reasons, going forward I feel its best we longer converse.

 

I hope you understand that when I don't reply, it's not because I don't care. I do and always will. It's because I feel its best for us both to heal and then move on with our lives.

 

I wish you nothing but happiness for the future. Take Care,

 

Your name.

 

The reason I would sent a reply like this, is because I feel its important to show a dumpee® compassion. It's a horrible feeling thinking your ex that you love, thinks little of you and your time together. Once you show your ex that 'compassion' you can then move on guilt free.

 

Wait for her reply. If it's a Facebook mail, as soon as you receive it you block her on Facebook and delete her reply without reading (this is actually important). If she emails you, again delete her reply without reading. If she continues to email, I would deactivate my email account. Most email providers will allow you to reactivate after a certain period of time.

 

Also Block her number on her phone. Nearly all smartphones can do this now. Hopefully this will be enough. If she calls to see you uninvited, then may need to consider getting the police involved. Hopefully it won't come to that.

 

For me compassion would be enough and I would disappear. For her it probably won't be enough, but at least you know you did the right thing.

Edited March 18, 2013 by Mack05

[Standard-Fare]

I SORT of agree with Mack05's advice above but I don't think you need to be as generous and kind with her as he's suggesting. Your ex has definitely crossed the line and has done some really uncool stuff -- you're not obligated to be a sweetheart to her.

 

But I do think ONE message is appropriate, with a slightly harsher tone. Something like: "I'm sorry you feel this way, that's not how I feel about you at all, but I AM trying my best to move past this. You need to do the same. You're obviously not helping yourself -- and only causing yourself more pain -- by snooping through my personal accounts and keeping track of the details of my life. I think it's best for both of us to not have any contact and I will take measures with my phone and email to make that easier. Understand that this is healthiest for us both. I truly wish you the best in everything. I want you to be happy."

 

Then proceed with a) changing ALL of your passwords to something she would never guess, starting with your email*, b) blocking her number on your phone, c) setting up your email to deliver a "Message not received" message to her if she tries to email you. (Various email programs do this.)

 

* On the email account snooping... if you use Gmail you can tell if someone's been in your account by the little thing at the bottom of the screen that says "Last account activity" which shows logins, IP addresses, etc.