Girlfriend of almost four years says she needs space.

March 18, 2013

Hey guys I'm new here figured I could get some great input from these forums. I'm 23 years old been with my girlfriend who is 21 for four years. Yesterday she told me she feels like we need to start over and she needs space because she's frustrated our relationship isn't growing. She recently got her own apartment and is living on her own I was there alot helped her move in drive her around, etc. It's in a bad neighborhood so I naturally I felt like I had to be there alot and she seemed fine with that.

She went from being super clingy to telling me that she feels like she has to stay home with me to make me feel loved and so I won't be alone and she needs to feel like she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants and she doesn't feel that with me. She also stated she wanted to be in a less serious relationship, sounds an awful lot like a 21 year girl who just wants to be single.

She also said she wants to experience life with someone who isn't negative about life(odd because I'm very positive about my life) and who doesn't always say no to new things.She said she's felt like this for two years and it's just like why should I stay with someone who said they've felt bored with the relationship for the past two years and wants it to be less serious? It just seems like she wants to break up but is too chicken to do it, saying things like she loves me and hopes we can move forward from this but if not she loves me anyway.

One more BIG thing here, she left her laptop open and went to the bathroom and I saw her and her friend talking and she said that she needed to talk to her friend asap and her friends reaction was "omg what happened" and my girlfriend says "i need to see you in person" and her friend goes "omg you got me nervous what happened" my girlfriend says "calm down there was no sex involved or no kissing" now the night before my girlfriend did some photography for a fashion show and I'm guessing maybe she's involved with someone at her job?

What in the hell should I do? I feel like I should move on but I'm worried if she'll be ok but on the other hand why should I worry obviously she hasn't been up front with me for 2 years now.

March 18, 2013

Sweetheart, I'm sorry, it's very simple.

This is over.

You started out very young, and it's a very, very common thing that those who start young, don't last.

The bottom line is that she wants to spread her wings (Not a euphemism) and be free to explore life, get to know new things and meet new people.

And frankly, I recommend that you not only allow this, as a natural course of things, but that you definitely do the same.

You guys are young, and this is simply a step up into understanding how things work....

This isn't 'space'. This is 'the end'.

Bow out gracefully, with your dignity and integrity intact.

Tell her she can have all the space she wants, that it's over, and then go No Contact (see my signature/link).

Best to just cut ties and give both of yourselves the freedom you deserve.

March 18, 2013

I agree, I don't mind ending things because sometimes she seems childish and immature to me. My problem is dealing with the actual feeling of saying its over and reading that heartbreaking text from her that says "i still love you" or something along those lines, I fear that. I fear seeing her while she gives me my clothes back that I left over there or while she comes to pick up a package she had sent to my house. I don't know how to handle the break up process as it has been awhile since I've done this.

I know it's the end no long term relationship goes from very serious to less serious.

March 18, 2013

I agree, I don't mind ending things because sometimes she seems childish and immature to me. My problem is dealing with the actual feeling of saying its over and reading that heartbreaking text from her that says "i still love you" or something along those lines, I fear that. I fear seeing her while she gives me my clothes back that I left over there or while she comes to pick up a package she had sent to my house. I don't know how to handle the break up process as it has been awhile since I've done this.

I know it's the end no long term relationship goes from very serious to less serious.

This may sound weird, but you have to handle the emotional in a practical business-like manner.

Weird, huh? Let me explain:

For the time being, try to look at this as the termination of a partnership contract.

The heartbreaking text from her (isn't a given, surely, is it? or are you just imagining that will happen?) you disregard as spam mail. Delete, forget, because it's clingy breadcrumbs.

You go to her place with a buddy (removal guy) and retrieve your things, quickly, efficiently and as quietly as possible, and you simultaneously return any things of hers you may have. Then you leave. Make things simple, quick, clean-cut and terminal.

You go No Contact and stick to it absolutely 100%.

Then, when it's all done and dusted, then - and only then - you can succumb to the emotional side and have a good old vent, in which ever way you feel necessary at the time.

March 18, 2013

Just my random opinion..

Do you see her as a good future wife? she is so young, so are you. 21 year olds change their mind like underwear. Most people from what I have seen have to 'know who they are'

and experience lots of life like travel, being with other people and rehearsing all sorts of stuff before they 'settle down' into the real deal and know what they want our of life. Don't hold her back, let her go do her thing. Easier said than done.

I went from one long term relationship to the next and then to another, my boyfriend of 4 years and I started having issues, mainly because I was unhappy in my personal development. I'd never been single and found who I was without somebody else, even though I loved him. This was so important to me. I wanted to explore myself more on my own, so I called break with every intention we would get back together once I had time to myself and he didn't want this he resisted it so I stayed, then six months later he broke up with me and it killed me, then I moved out and a few months later after being in my own place he was stringing me along and I moved back in and we decided to give it a second shot, but it was stupid because we still saw eachother in this time and didnt have the proper break. I was do riddled with heart ache I forgot my inner voice and lost my direction of needing to face the world alone. It lasted 3 weeks then we both mutrally called it quits.

Anyway if u want a shot at getting her back long term as in wife material, let her go. Let her do her thing, it will show you are strong which is what most woman want in a long term partner (even though you secretly won't feel it or like it) but it will change the dinamics of what's happening. You will take back some of the power. Don't get caught up in mind games though. Think of yourself and what you want out of life, think long term and be strong and realistically about breaking up and what comes with it. Hard stuff like knowing they will be intimate with others etc (not always what its cracked up to be, everyone misses their ex after so u wont be alone there, but brace yourself its part of life to learn and fo through trial and error and heart ache and just **** in general. Life has its ups and downs. Do you want to settle down long term at 23? maybe u need some more personal growth too - something you won't get while you are with her right now while she is exploring new things. Try view the situation in a more grown up mature light. Forget the computer stuff you saw, tell her you understand and give her space. She could end up crawling back when she feels lonely and misses you, but keep an eye out for immaturity on her part she might just need a fix of the familiar and then leave u again.

Work in yourself and growing as a person too, don't re-bound. Anyway all the best

March 18, 2013

I'm 56, I wish I'd never settled down, sometimes!

A guy shouldn't even be thinking of 'settling down' and 'wife material' until their LATE 20's - at least!

The human brain doesn't finish developing until then, anyway, so any time before the age of 26 is not the time to be making long-term plans, and decisions relating to the rest of 'your' life!!

March 18, 2013

Regarding my last post I don't mean more mature light, as U sound quite mature. I meant different light

March 18, 2013

This may sound weird, but you have to handle the emotional in a practical business-like manner.

Weird, huh? Let me explain:

For the time being, try to look at this as the termination of a partnership contract.

The heartbreaking text from her (isn't a given, surely, is it? or are you just imagining that will happen?) you disregard as spam mail. Delete, forget, because it's clingy breadcrumbs.

You go to her place with a buddy (removal guy) and retrieve your things, quickly, efficiently and as quietly as possible, and you simultaneously return any things of hers you may have. Then you leave. Make things simple, quick, clean-cut and terminal.

You go No Contact and stick to it absolutely 100%.

Then, when it's all done and dusted, then - and only then - you can succumb to the emotional side and have a good old vent, in which ever way you feel necessary at the time.

So you absolutely believe that I should call it quits with her now rather than waiting to see what happens? Part of me feels it too but that other part is terrified. lol but then again I'd like to see what else is out there and focus on my career/dreams you know? I feel like shes not the right partner for me in the long run we don't mesh very well on certain things it's just like we fell in love young cause we were different people/outcasts in high school and now it's just a mess.

March 18, 2013

Just my random opinion..

Do you see her as a good future wife? she is so young, so are you. 21 year olds change their mind like underwear. Most people from what I have seen have to 'know who they are'
and experience lots of life like travel, being with other people and rehearsing all sorts of stuff before they 'settle down' into the real deal and know what they want our of life. Don't hold her back, let her go do her thing. Easier said than done.

I went from one long term relationship to the next and then to another, my boyfriend of 4 years and I started having issues, mainly because I was unhappy in my personal development. I'd never been single and found who I was without somebody else, even though I loved him. This was so important to me. I wanted to explore myself more on my own, so I called break with every intention we would get back together once I had time to myself and he didn't want this he resisted it so I stayed, then six months later he broke up with me and it killed me, then I moved out and a few months later after being in my own place he was stringing me along and I moved back in and we decided to give it a second shot, but it was stupid because we still saw eachother in this time and didnt have the proper break. I was do riddled with heart ache I forgot my inner voice and lost my direction of needing to face the world alone. It lasted 3 weeks then we both mutrally called it quits.

Anyway if u want a shot at getting her back long term as in wife material, let her go. Let her do her thing, it will show you are strong which is what most woman want in a long term partner (even though you secretly won't feel it or like it) but it will change the dinamics of what's happening. You will take back some of the power. Don't get caught up in mind games though. Think of yourself and what you want out of life, think long term and be strong and realistically about breaking up and what comes with it. Hard stuff like knowing they will be intimate with others etc (not always what its cracked up to be, everyone misses their ex after so u wont be alone there, but brace yourself its part of life to learn and fo through trial and error and heart ache and just **** in general. Life has its ups and downs. Do you want to settle down long term at 23? maybe u need some more personal growth too - something you won't get while you are with her right now while she is exploring new things. Try view the situation in a more grown up mature light. Forget the computer stuff you saw, tell her you understand and give her space. She could end up crawling back when she feels lonely and misses you, but keep an eye out for immaturity on her part she might just need a fix of the familiar and then leave u again.
Work in yourself and growing as a person too, don't re-bound. Anyway all the best

I definitely want to give her space but as for the wife material stuff? you know when I was 19 years old I thought "man this is what i want right here" but after kind of living with her and seeing how she handles certain things I don't think I can put up with that and be happy you know? I love her to death but it's so many little things that she does that piss me off and then this whole "space" thing it just reeks of her trying to see if something else works out with someone else. She's done this in the past before where she needed "space" and left me for some guy, now this guy has contacted her recently like two weeks ago and it's got me thinking it's the same f'ing guy!

March 18, 2013

So you absolutely believe that I should call it quits with her now rather than waiting to see what happens? Part of me feels it too but that other part is terrified. lol but then again I'd like to see what else is out there and focus on my career/dreams you know? I feel like shes not the right partner for me in the long run we don't mesh very well on certain things it's just like we fell in love young cause we were different people/outcasts in high school and now it's just a mess.

Listen, when your gut tells you something isn't right, or doesn't have the long-run factor, then you're doing the right thing by knocking it on the head.

You now tell us she's apparently cheated on you once before.

Well, you know what they say:

Crap on me once, more fool you,

Crap on me twice, more fool me.

Give her this liberty she so obviously craves. But this time, if she comes back to you, let her know then, that sorry, you slammed that door this time round, and it's not up for opening again.

March 18, 2013

Listen, when your gut tells you something isn't right, or doesn't have the long-run factor, then you're doing the right thing by knocking it on the head.
You now tell us she's apparently cheated on you once before.
Well, you know what they say:

Crap on me once, more fool you,
Crap on me twice, more fool me.

Give her this liberty she so obviously craves. But this time, if she comes back to you, let her know then, that sorry, you slammed that door this time round, and it's not up for opening again.

I'll do just that. I already made plans to hang out with somebody else this weekend so i'm gonna just let things be i might just text her tell her it's over later today. I don't want to be dragged along again, I can tell she wants to break up but is it too chicken to end it.

March 18, 2013

I disagree with the text.

You undermine your own integrity doing that.

Just blind-side her next time you see her.

Tell her, "Look, by the way, I agree with your need for space, so I think now's a good time to knock it on the head and go our separate ways, ok?

I'll come by your place *name a date/time*".... (Make it ASAP).... "to pick up my stuff and drop off anything of yours I have, then we'll just call it quits and go our separate ways. Good call on your part, I think actually, you're right. It's long overdue."

This puts the ball in her court, makes it her decision, and it's something she can hardly protest at, given that she suggested it anyway....

But please - don't texts. That's a schytt way to do it.

Really - How would you feel?

March 18, 2013

I disagree with the text.

You undermine your own integrity doing that.
Just blind-side her next time you see her.

Tell her, "Look, by the way, I agree with your need for space, so I think now's a good time to knock it on the head and go our separate ways, ok?
I'll come by your place *name a date/time*".... (Make it ASAP).... "to pick up my stuff and drop off anything of yours I have, then we'll just call it quits and go our separate ways. Good call on your part, I think actually, you're right. It's long overdue."

This puts the ball in her court, makes it her decision, and it's something she can hardly protest at, given that she suggested it anyway....

But please - don't texts. That's a schytt way to do it.

Really - How would you feel?

Seeing as she's dumped me through texts in the past I felt crappy. I just don't want this to drag on any longer but I guess the blindside aspect of it is better because she blindsided me today with the whole space thing.

March 18, 2013

It gives you the opportunity to steal a march on her, and see her face. It's better to field her body language when you tell it to her straight.

And it 'hardens you up' for any backlash.

You can cope with this, it 'empowers' you, if you see what I mean.....

March 18, 2013

It gives you the opportunity to steal a march on her, and see her face. It's better to field her body language when you tell it to her straight.

And it 'hardens you up' for any backlash.

You can cope with this, it 'empowers' you, if you see what I mean.....

I understand where you're coming from I think I may opt for this in the end. Thank you for you're advice I just didn't want to think I may be jumping the gun by ending things. Just to throw this out there she also said she loves me to death and she doesn't want to be with anyone else but me and doesn't know how to be with anyone else but me. It's just weird how she says this then says she needs space.

Edited March 18, 2013 by srivers89

March 18, 2013

I definitely want to give her space but as for the wife material stuff? you know when I was 19 years old I thought "man this is what i want right here" but after kind of living with her and seeing how she handles certain things I don't think I can put up with that and be happy you know? I love her to death but it's so many little things that she does that piss me off and then this whole "space" thing it just reeks of her trying to see if something else works out with someone else. She's done this in the past before where she needed "space" and left me for some guy, now this guy has contacted her recently like two weeks ago and it's got me thinking it's the same f'ing guy!

Yep! You answered your own question. All this "needing space" and needing to take a break is just BS. She needed "space" last time to go screw someone else, and when that didn't pan out, she had you waiting on the sidelines. Now, you caught a IM between her and her friend about another guy that she wants to get innappropriate with and all of the sudden she needs space again. Worked once, lets see if lightning strikes twice and have this guy waiting on the sidelines again while I go have my fun.

Dude, you deserve better than that. Guarantee you that if you said to her, "Okay, we're giving each other some space. While, we're getting some breathing room, we stary exclusive to each other." Betcha she doesn't agree to it.

And If it were me, I would call her out on it. Do you need space to go be with this other guy? Be prepared for "There's no one else" speech. Yeah, uh hu..... There's no one else UNTIL I'm out the picture...""

Dude, move on. She's making the choice to have you OUT of her life. You give her exactly that. No not respond to any of her texts and phonecalls. She wanted this, not you. And she will call you and text you, she's going to play the field but she will occasionally pull on the leash to see if the dog is still there.

Move on dude....and don't look back.

March 18, 2013

Yep! You answered your own question. All this "needing space" and needing to take a break is just BS. She needed "space" last time to go screw someone else, and when that didn't pan out, she had you waiting on the sidelines. Now, you caught a IM between her and her friend about another guy that she wants to get innappropriate with and all of the sudden she needs space again. Worked once, lets see if lightning strikes twice and have this guy waiting on the sidelines again while I go have my fun.

Dude, you deserve better than that. Guarantee you that if you said to her, "Okay, we're giving each other some space. While, we're getting some breathing room, we stary exclusive to each other." Betcha she doesn't agree to it.

And If it were me, I would call her out on it. Do you need space to go be with this other guy? Be prepared for "There's no one else" speech. Yeah, uh hu..... There's no one else UNTIL I'm out the picture...""

Dude, move on. She's making the choice to have you OUT of her life. You give her exactly that. No not respond to any of her texts and phonecalls. She wanted this, not you. And she will call you and text you, she's going to play the field but she will occasionally pull on the leash to see if the dog is still there.

Move on dude....and don't look back.

I asked was it someone else she gave me a simple no and then later told me she wants to be with someone who trusts her and doesn't think just cause they ask for space she's seeing someone else and i'm just like well it happened before and shes just says ok and leave it at that.

I have already made plans to hang out with another girl this weekend just hanging out not a date even though it's a concert. I don't expect to hear from my gf(i guess) for awhile and whenever i do i'll need to drop her asap.

March 18, 2013

I understand where you're coming from I think I may opt for this in the end. Thank you for you're advice I just didn't want to think I may be jumping the gun by ending things. Just to throw this out there she also said she loves me to death and she doesn't want to be with anyone else but me and doesn't know how to be with anyone else but me. It's just weird how she says this then says she needs space.

No, you need to change that to "she doesn't know how to be with other people WHILE she's with me." Therefore, she tells herself that it's okay to be with someone else, to go on dates with someone else because "we're on a break" So, she doesn't feel guilty about doing something innapropriate with someone else, because "we were on a break! So, it doesn't count!". Don't you love technicalities!

Edited March 18, 2013 by Chi townD

March 18, 2013

No, you need to change that to "she doesn't know how to be with other people WHILE she's with me." Therefore, she tells herself that it's okay to be with someone else, to go on dates with someone else because "we're on a break" So, she doesn't feel guilty about doing something innapropriate with someone else, because "we were on a break! So, it doesn't count!". Don't you love technicalities!

exactly and her main complaint was "well i cant go out with my friends without feeling guilty." i couldn't care less if she went out with friends but the thing is she has like two good friends and they don't ever make plans to go anywhere so it sounds like "i can't go out to the club with people i work with without feeling guilty." -_-

March 18, 2013

Well, there you go. She needs to be free of you so she can do inappropriate things with other people so she doesn't feel guilty. All the while, she going to have you on the sidelines as her back up plan.

Dude, you are NOT anyones second choice. You are NOT a consolation prize.

March 18, 2013

Well, there you go. She needs to be free of you so she can do inappropriate things with other people so she doesn't feel guilty. All the while, she going to have you on the sidelines as her back up plan.

Dude, you are NOT anyones second choice. You are NOT a consolation prize.

Do you think I should just break up with her now or just wait til she gets in touch with me and say its over?

March 18, 2013

If you're agreeing to this line of thinking, then she believes that you two are already broken up. She's told you that she wants you gone.

If I were you, I would get pack up her stuff and mail it to her. Might cost a little money, but you need to start distancing yourself from her now. Or have a friend drop the stuff off to her.

March 18, 2013

If you're agreeing to this line of thinking, then she believes that you two are already broken up. She's told you that she wants you gone.

If I were you, I would get pack up her stuff and mail it to her. Might cost a little money, but you need to start distancing yourself from her now. Or have a friend drop the stuff off to her.

Only thing I have of hers is a ps3 that I bought and I'm keeping that lol but her package ill send it to her.

March 18, 2013

Yeah, you need to start no contact. Go completely dark on her. remember, this was her choice. Therefore, you have to ignore all texts, let all phonecalls go directly to voicemail. The normal reaction to do is to respond when she calls. Don't!!! Break out of that habit. Post here instead. We'll be here to walk you through it all. You need to block her on Facebook. Not delete or unfriend, BLOCK!

NC is a way for you to heal and move on. You're no longer together (she saw to that), so there's really nothing more to talk about, right?

NC will help with the healing process. To help you lose those romantic feelings that you have for her.

Time to move on dude. Start making positive changes in your life and you'll find a girl that can't wait for you to come over, and is sad to see you go. That gets butterflies in her stomach knowing that you're on your way to see her. That will stay on the phone for hours with you because she doesn't want to hang up. And has decided for herself that there's no other place in the world that she would rather be but at your side.

March 18, 2013

Thanks, I will keep you guys posted. It sucks she used to be that girl until she got a taste or a hint of something better in her eyes but that's life. I'll do my best to work through this and come back here if I need support, which i'm sure I will.

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Girlfriend of almost four years says she needs space.

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