The "I regret the pain I caused, but have fond memories" affair thing-

[angie2443]

I was reading the thread that asked AP's if they had fond memories of their affairs, and I found something interesting in a few of the responses.

 

Some said that they didn't regret the affair, but did regret the pain it caused, or felt bad about people being hurt by it. The reason this feels off to me, is that affair is what caused the pain. I guess, I'm thinking, if I did something enjoyable, but found out what I did caused someone I loved (or maybe just respected) to hurt deeply, I could never look back on the former enjoyable experience with fondness.

 

Maybe this is a way to compartmentalize. Maybe this is denial. I don't know, but I thought it was interesting.

 

Any thoughts?

[TigerCub]

Hmmm, I guess maybe it means

"I regret that it was an affair (that it was something that caused so much pain)"

 

but I don't regret the time/love/affection that I shared with that person.

 

I dunno if that doesn't make sense.

I mean, I don't regret that I loved some one that intensely, I just wish that it was in a legit relationship that didn't hurt someone (his girlfriend, or me)...

 

But I guess you could argue that "well if it wasn't an affair scenario would you have loved them that intensely?" - ie that that love wouldn't have been the same outside the A.

 

I dunno the answer to that one, but yeah the above is how I would have worded it. I regret that I was ever any part of an A, but I don't regret loving him - just wish that it was under legit circumstances.

[waterwoman]

Hmmm... good question. It confuses me a little too. I guess it indicates that either the WS doesn't really comprehend the scale of the damage they have done, or they do and they don't really care. I am sure many WS would say that isn't so and as I haven't been there I can't really know. But I have been responsible for a car accident - I pulled out from a parking space and someone hit me - she suffered from severe whiplash and I have felt remorseful about it ever since. And while the accident wasn't pleasurable in any way unlike an affair, that accident has haunted me ever since. Dday was like the worst car crash I have ever been in - and I can't help thinking that if H didn't regret the affair as well as the pain he caused me I don't think I'd want to be with him any more.

 

=======

 

H loved OW. I know that. I don't think he feels a great deal for her now. He admits the affair was exciting and boosted his ego at the time. I don't blame him - I'd feel the same I guess. But the impression I have is that he feels a bit like the affair was like drinking a whole bottle of good whiskey - fun at the time but boy the hangover was bloody awful and he doesn't want to think about it now:p

Edited March 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[TigerCub]

hmmmmm, there were times that I wish I had never met him- so maybe I do regret loving him sometimes -

 

When it comes to these things everything gets so confusing.

[dichotomy]

Many things that are "bad" are also for a short time very pleasurable. Taking major illegal drugs, gambling, hitting someone, etc...

 

It can also take time, lots of it, to get perspective on these things. Lack of full regret is difficult.

 

Some also suffer from Character Disturbance, where real regret and shame is difficult.

[Spark1111]

I, too have a hard time wrapping my head around that one.

 

You could have and retain fond memories of the only person on the planet who would encourage you to betray yourself, your spouse, your legacy and your family?

 

Of all the people who know and loved you, only your affair partner would encourage this? That's why you had to keep it secret, because any other trusted person would have said, what are you crazy?

 

So I think it does speak to the ability to compartmentalize and to the affair dynamics.

 

Everyone other relationship runs it's course and is not fueled by secrecy, hormones and unrequited love. You break up and think, okay, nice person but not for me, not for the long haul.

 

So without that natural denouement, maybe you can harbor fond memories because you never got to take the next step: Reality and authentic day-in, Day out shared responsibilities.

 

makes sense to me. look at how many Affair relationships and second marriages go bust in the light of day and expectations.

[Spotme]

My H doesn't say exactly that. What he said immediately after DDay was that during the affair he was overall generally miserable. He had moments of happiness with her, he had moments of happiness with me, but beyond that he was miserable because what he was doing was so against his own understanding of himself. I believe him because his misery had a profound physical effect on him (stopped sleeping or eating, lost nearly 50 lbs., and became a short-tempered jerk). However, he couldn't say the happy moments never happened or that he didn't feel love for her. Fast forwarding 5 months, he still says yes those happy moments happened, and he does remember that if and when he looks back, but he also remembers how unhappy he was with himself overall and has the added understanding of the pain he was causing me and our daughter (which during the affair he was rationalizing away as what they don't know can't hurt them). So yes, happy moments and love feelings happened, they are historical fact, but when he looks back he doesn't ignore the larger overall negative context. Perhaps this is true for other WSs as well.

[Furious]

I was reading the thread that asked AP's if they had fond memories of their affairs, and I found something interesting in a few of the responses.

 

Some said that they didn't regret the affair, but did regret the pain it caused, or felt bad about people being hurt by it. The reason this feels off to me, is that affair is what caused the pain. I guess, I'm thinking, if I did something enjoyable, but found out what I did caused someone I loved (or maybe just respected) to hurt deeply, I could never look back on the former enjoyable experience with fondness.

 

Maybe this is a way to compartmentalize. Maybe this is denial. I don't know, but I thought it was interesting.

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

Everyone, at one point or another have regret, I've been there, but I've never looked back at what I did or said fondly if I'd hurt someone because of my actions.

 

Whether it's cheating on a spouse, or any type of cheating, whether it's cheating a business partner or cheating on an exam, I think for some people the benefit of cheating overrides the risk of the consequences that come with it.

 

I guess it's a window into someone's character that can compartmentalize the gain from the pain they've done.

 

 

 

 

I

[angie2443]

Hmmm, I guess maybe it means

"I regret that it was an affair (that it was something that caused so much pain)"

 

but I don't regret the time/love/affection that I shared with that person.

 

I dunno if that doesn't make sense.

I mean, I don't regret that I loved some one that intensely, I just wish that it was in a legit relationship that didn't hurt someone (his girlfriend, or me)...

 

But I guess you could argue that "well if it wasn't an affair scenario would you have loved them that intensely?" - ie that that love wouldn't have been the same outside the A.

 

I dunno the answer to that one, but yeah the above is how I would have worded it. I regret that I was ever any part of an A, but I don't regret loving him - just wish that it was under legit circumstances.

 

If I remember right, you didn't have a partner when you entered the affair. It would make more sense to me, to have regret and fond memories at the same time in that type of a situation since the OW/OM isn't connected (usually anyways) to the BS. I don't mean to say that they just don't care. Rather, to me, it would make more sense to have those fond feelings since damage isn't being done to someone they love. I guess this would be differant if the affair was damaging to the single AP. I know this happens sometimes.

 

Sorry for getting wordy. I've got two kids on me and it's getting hard to focus.

[TigerCub]

If I remember right, you didn't have a partner when you entered the affair. It would make more sense to me, to have regret and fond memories at the same time in that type of a situation since the OW/OM isn't connected (usually anyways) to the BS. I don't mean to say that they just don't care. Rather, to me, it would make more sense to have those fond feelings since damage isn't being done to someone they love. I guess this would be differant if the affair was damaging to the single AP. I know this happens sometimes.

 

Sorry for getting wordy. I've got two kids on me and it's getting hard to focus.

 

Yeah after I replied I realized that the question was more with regards to an MP/WS saying that - and it is completely different.

 

You're right, I didn't betray someone I was with and that completely changes how I came about my answer.

 

Hehe, You're not wordy - I got what you're saying just like you got what I was trying to say

[angie2443]

Yeah after I replied I realized that the question was more with regards to an MP/WS saying that - and it is completely different.

 

You're right, I didn't betray someone I was with and that completely changes how I came about my answer.

 

Hehe, You're not wordy - I got what you're saying just like you got what I was trying to say

 

Your answer helped me to understand what I really wanted to know. I didn't initually intend this to be just a question regarding the MP, but that is the part that confused me.

 

Thanks!

[Act Two]

 

Some said that they didn't regret the affair, but did regret the pain it caused, or felt bad about people being hurt by it.

 

I don't think one person posted that they didn't regret the affair.

[Bittersweetie]

I believe the question asked in that thread was whether a WS has fond memories of their affair partner, not whether they regret their affair.

 

If I had to answer your specific question, do I regret my affair, the answer would be yes.

[stevie_23]

Hmmm, I guess maybe it means

"I regret that it was an affair (that it was something that caused so much pain)"

 

but I don't regret the time/love/affection that I shared with that person.

 

I dunno if that doesn't make sense.

I mean, I don't regret that I loved some one that intensely, I just wish that it was in a legit relationship that didn't hurt someone (his girlfriend, or me)...

 

This is what I think about my own situation.

[road]

This is what I think about my own situation.

 

 

Do you realize that you are trying to do damage control?

 

You are trying to justify the wrong that you did.

[Finally Settled]

I was reading the thread that asked AP's if they had fond memories of their affairs, and I found something interesting in a few of the responses.

 

Some said that they didn't regret the affair, but did regret the pain it caused, or felt bad about people being hurt by it. The reason this feels off to me, is that affair is what caused the pain. I guess, I'm thinking, if I did something enjoyable, but found out what I did caused someone I loved (or maybe just respected) to hurt deeply, I could never look back on the former enjoyable experience with fondness.

 

Maybe this is a way to compartmentalize. Maybe this is denial. I don't know, but I thought it was interesting.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I do believe I was one who responded in this way angie2443, and it is indeed the way I feel. The only regret I have in life is how the affair affected my exwife, but I do not regret the time I had with my other woman. My therapist believes it's because I subconsciously orchestrated the longest exit affair ever.

 

I tortured myself when my exwife and I were trying to reconcile. I tried everything possible to make the affair just what you all imagine it should have been to me at that point, but I couldn't.

[wanting more]

I've thought long and hard about this post and I will do my best to explain how I feel.

 

I wouldn't say I have "fond" memories of my A. I have very mixed feelings about my A. My A ended very ugly and in a sense the "ending" is still going on as I recently heard from xMM then his BW. I've always said if it had ended different, we decided to end it, it wasn't a forced ending I'd be writing on here as a very xHOW.

 

I loved xMM while in the A. I felt he loved me. If I think back to times and places during the A, I'd say they were great times. I was alive when I was with him, doing anything, doing nothing. Just being with him. There was another thread on here about things you now realize you didn't really like about your AP. I answered that one with "nothing", I liked everything about him in the A. He was sweet, loving, good looking, great in bed, caring. My list could go on and on of what I liked about him.

 

I didn't really know what compartmentalization was until I came here. I think I now understand it. I am moving on with my life, I still have the guilt of the pain I caused his BW and my BSO, that will always be with me.* The acknowledging of my part in causing such pain will be the reason I never cause that pain again, I will never be that selfish again to think I can have an A with someone else's husband.

 

My compartmentalization about the A has 2 parts, one is OF the A, the other is AFTER the A. In the days following the 2nd d-day I hated him, I hated myself, I hated everything I thought about concerning the A. I still hate him, especially since the recent contact from him and all the bs he's saying. But I've learned I can look back on the A and not feel all the hate I had about it. It was over 3 years long, there were some good times, there were some special times between he and I. Its not often I think back to those times but every now and then they do come to mind.

 

Then the AFTER A part. He's a man I hope to never see again.* He's a man I have no respect for. He's not who I thought he was.

*

If I were ever in a position of being in an A again, I can assure you it won't be the "during A" memories I think of, it will be the "after A" thoughts I remember. I have no doubt in my mind I will never let myself get in that situation again. Its not worth it, not worth it for my pain, not worth it for the BSs pain. Do I regret my A? I regret parts of the A. And I think that's ok.*

*

I hear alot of time BSs on here when working at R and are asked how could you get over your WSs A, many people say its because they remember the good times before the A, all the years together, everything they built together in their M. And they say its worth it to fight for the M, to reconcile and you work thru your hurt towards building a stronger M.nFrom my standpoint (the xOW), I remember the hurt I caused,mthe hurt I felt to ensure that I'll never let myself get into that position again,nbut I also acknowledge its because there were good times in the A that made the hurt as bad as it was. If there were no good times, then when the 2nd d-day happened I wouldn't have felt hurt, I woudnt have felt guilt. I wouldn't have seen the true implications of what I had gotten involved in

*

hope that makes some kind of sense

Edited March 19, 2013 by wanting more

[wanting more]

I guess I could've summed up my long reply with:

 

 

I know it was a mistake to get involved in an A. I know I hurt people who didn't ask for or deserve to be hurt. I hurt and i'vd learned and still learning from my hurt. But it hurt so much because there were good feelings, good moments in the A. Had it been something purely sexual with no emotions, there would've been no hurt to learn from, and no reason not to get involved in another A Yes it would've been better to never have gotten involved and hurt others, I wish I could go back and change things but i can't. I can only move forward. And if I remember a good moment from the A, it doesn't and never will make me forget the pain.

[thomasb]

You will never affair proof your relationships and live authentically until you stop being selfish and remember that the reason not to have an affair is not because of the pain you cause yourself, but the devastation it causes those you are supposed to love.

[angie2443]

I've thought long and hard about this post and I will do my best to explain how I feel.

 

I wouldn't say I have "fond" memories of my A. I have very mixed feelings about my A. My A ended very ugly and in a sense the "ending" is still going on as I recently heard from xMM then his BW. I've always said if it had ended different, we decided to end it, it wasn't a forced ending I'd be writing on here as a very xHOW.

 

I loved xMM while in the A. I felt he loved me. If I think back to times and places during the A, I'd say they were great times. I was alive when I was with him, doing anything, doing nothing. Just being with him. There was another thread on here about things you now realize you didn't really like about your AP. I answered that one with "nothing", I liked everything about him in the A. He was sweet, loving, good looking, great in bed, caring. My list could go on and on of what I liked about him.

 

I didn't really know what compartmentalization was until I came here. I think I now understand it. I am moving on with my life, I still have the guilt of the pain I caused his BW and my BSO, that will always be with me.* The acknowledging of my part in causing such pain will be the reason I never cause that pain again, I will never be that selfish again to think I can have an A with someone else's husband.

 

My compartmentalization about the A has 2 parts, one is OF the A, the other is AFTER the A. In the days following the 2nd d-day I hated him, I hated myself, I hated everything I thought about concerning the A. I still hate him, especially since the recent contact from him and all the bs he's saying. But I've learned I can look back on the A and not feel all the hate I had about it. It was over 3 years long, there were some good times, there were some special times between he and I. Its not often I think back to those times but every now and then they do come to mind.

 

Then the AFTER A part. He's a man I hope to never see again.* He's a man I have no respect for. He's not who I thought he was.

*

If I were ever in a position of being in an A again, I can assure you it won't be the "during A" memories I think of, it will be the "after A" thoughts I remember. I have no doubt in my mind I will never let myself get in that situation again. Its not worth it, not worth it for my pain, not worth it for the BSs pain. Do I regret my A? I regret parts of the A. And I think that's ok.*

*

I hear alot of time BSs on here when working at R and are asked how could you get over your WSs A, many people say its because they remember the good times before the A, all the years together, everything they built together in their M. And they say its worth it to fight for the M, to reconcile and you work thru your hurt towards building a stronger M.nFrom my standpoint (the xOW), I remember the hurt I caused,mthe hurt I felt to ensure that I'll never let myself get into that position again,nbut I also acknowledge its because there were good times in the A that made the hurt as bad as it was. If there were no good times, then when the 2nd d-day happened I wouldn't have felt hurt, I woudnt have felt guilt. I wouldn't have seen the true implications of what I had gotten involved in

*

hope that makes some kind of sense

 

Thank you for you're reply, it does make sense.

[Artie Lang]

i know the "other" side will never admit to it, but those fond memories are based on a fantasy..... that's all.

 

it's like remembering when you were a kid and think of a more simpler time. a time when things were new and exciting. kwim?

 

TIME TO GROW THE F#CK UP!

[Anna101]

I do not look back on my affair with any fondness. I don't regret it, because of what it lead to, but I feel almost traumatized by it and I hate thinking about it. It's a shame in some ways, because good things DID happen in it, and we had some lovely times.

 

I am still with my "MM" who is now my partner. So I get to see the pain it caused all the time because of the issues with my stepkids. They are lovely kids and while their lives aren't ruined or anything, and they may have had divorced parents eventually anyway, it's still sad. His BS is remarried now and so no one has been 'ruined' by it, but it's still a sore subject for me.

[Bittersweetie]

i know the "other" side will never admit to it, but those fond memories are based on a fantasy..... that's all.

 

This was so true for me! I look back at the xOM and everything I see is based on what I wanted to see at that time. He showed a few pieces and I put together the whole puzzle in my head. That's why I probably fell so hard...because I fell for a fantasy, not a real person.

[angie2443]

Looking at some of the posts, I wonder if a lot of this has to do with the connection between the WS and the BS. If the WS is still with the BS after all is said and done, and they really love and maybe even respect the BS, then it would make sense that they would feel worse about the affair. If, however, the WS ended up leaving the BS or didn't feel that strong of a connection with the BS even if they stayed, the BS's pain wouldn't matter as much. I guess it's like if a loved one gets in a bad accident, it would be really painful, but if a stranger ended up in a horrible accident, the pain would be a lot less, if not completely absent.

[Finally Settled]

Looking at some of the posts, I wonder if a lot of this has to do with the connection between the WS and the BS. If the WS is still with the BS after all is said and done, and they really love and maybe even respect the BS, then it would make sense that they would feel worse about the affair. If, however, the WS ended up leaving the BS or didn't feel that strong of a connection with the BS even if they stayed, the BS's pain wouldn't matter as much. I guess it's like if a loved one gets in a bad accident, it would be really painful, but if a stranger ended up in a horrible accident, the pain would be a lot less, if not completely absent.

 

I'm sorry angie2443, but it is not for you to say how much or how little my exwife's pain mattered to me. My leaving her did not diminish what I witnessed and the realization that I was the sole cause of it all. I have borne witness to others who have reconciled happily and for the right reasons, and I have also borne witness to others like myself, who stayed for the wrong reasons. I was not able, as some have, to live with that decision long term because the false reconciliation was another level of cruelty to my exwife and was further deception on my part.

 

Because I left my marriage it does not diminish my capacity to see what I did to my exwife, my children, or my other woman. I never resented or thought unkindly of my other woman, but that was not a measure of how deeply I acknowledged what I did to my exwife.