Ex hates me now cause I moved on

[netrie]

Originally posted by Panther

I am dating this other girl to get back at her.

 

 

Could you re-phrase this?

[Panther]

thAT WAS A TYPE -O. I AM NOT DOING THAT. I like the other girl alot, but my feelings are confused. That I do admit. I don't beleive in gettign back at anybody, especially by using somebody else. I thougt i clarified that in an earlier post.

[BlueHeavens]

Wow, Panther!

 

I can't really say why anyone would behave like that. It seems very immature, and selfish. The whole thing started because she supposedly "fell out of love" with you, right? And somehow, now much of it is your fault?! It seems that she is trying to make you feel guilty about things that are really none of her business at this point.

 

I am wondering...you said you spent a lot of time watching her child. Do you mean by yourself? What was she doing while you were babysitting her child? I sense a relationship in which she was really taking you for granted, both with your time, your goodheartedness, and apparently financially too. It sounds like yours was not a relationship of give and take (no birthday card, I know how that feels, and it's not nice). I'll bet you'll recover well and find yourself better off without her. It's a shame that she plays with you in this way so that you can't see her child, but for now, that might be the least confusing way to go for both you and the child...

 

As for the new girl...having been one of those new girls, and understanding that someone was on the rebound, haven't protected me from being hurt in the past. There is something totally illogical about that situation. She probably realizes she is at risk but is putting herself out there anyway, being really patient while your ex acts like a psycho 12 year old. It's not really a matter of whether or not she is better for you than your ex (and she probably thinks she is, and feels comfortable with your relationship because of that), but rather a matter of whether or not you're really ready to look at anyone fairly without the leftover vibes of your past relationship clouding things up. Try to be careful for her sake, or she'll be posting on this board soon enough...

 

Try to hang in there. That sounds tough. I'm glad you have friends at work that respect your opinion enough to not kick her a%! when she really might deserve it.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Panther. Correct me if I am wrong, but weren’t you well on the road to recovery before she started turning up at your workplace, somewhere you had agreed to keep as your safe spot? So, at the most base possible level this is, she’s got back into your head by dishonesty, by breaking your agreement?

 

Why oh why would you start thinking about a little minx like this over your lovely new girl? If you wanted to be with a girl, wouldn’t you want her to have integrity, compassion, understanding and at the bottom line, know how to conduct herself?? This ex, who says you have hurt her beyond belief, ranted and raved at you, who cant be friends with you ever, ever ever again, because of everything you did – turns up at your workplace, in front of your new girl behaving, not like the responsible person she should be (and shes a MOTHER???) but like a little harlot, flirting to get you jealous, purposely confusing you and I will bet my bottom penny, your new girl is concerned she’s going to lose you. This is up to YOUR integrity now. Stop allowing yourself to be at the whim of her contrary mind. You have to take control over someone you have let control your life, and she’s not been careful with your feelings, she’s been downright reckless. If you have any understanding of how this looks objectively, you will do the right thing by yourself. The right thing for you is to get this ex out of your life once and for all. Ask for her to be barred from your place of work, forget being the bigger person, look how much confusion that’s kicked up. Look after yourself right now, and keep your dignity which so far you have done. Send her a message saying you have done this because you need to get on with your life and she’s causing issues at work, its nothing personal but its for the best then do not respond to her again. Full. Stop. Do not take her calls, respond to her text’s or emails.

 

The only way you will heal from this is by spring cleaning her right away. If she was worth being in your life id take a softer line, but she’s not. Regarding your new girl, if you cant accept her for what she’s offering you at the moment, end it and concentrate on forgetting your ex. Someone who has no value to you right now could have just ruined a potential new relationship with someone who sounds like she’s actually worth your time.

 

all the best, BB

[Panther]

Blue Heavens,

Yeah, Suddenly I am accused of treating her better after the breakup than when were together. Which is an absolute lie. I treated her and her daughter liek Gold. The one valid complaint she had is that I work a lot, and have crazy hours, cause of workign at the club, the station, and trunning my own business. I just started my new busienss a year ago, and it took alot of tmy time, and what do you know, when things finally get orghanised to the point where my time became mien again, I got dumped. I spent a lot of time babysitign her daughter when she needed to go to either work or School. She just started going back to school to try and better herself. I have been ttoatlly supportive of this, that is why I told her I would watch her child for her to make things easier on her financially and timewise. In fact, even after the breakup, she asked if I still could be the emergency contact foe her daughter just in case somethign happens at Kindergarten. This whole thign has gotten so stupid and out of control. I have never in my life had a breakup so full of nastiness and bile. My last serious girlfriend before this rollercoaster ride of a relationship lasted two years and we broke up amicably. There was heartache involved, but we both were very mature about the situation. In fact, That Ex aske dme to give her away at her wedding (I declined, but Deejayed her weddign reception and Ceremony for her and her husband. I am friends with him too).

This has gotten so stupid. I have never had a break up take such a toll on me emotionally in my life. She says that didn't care for her and her daughter if I could move on so quickly. WHAT? This woman told me she only wants friendship, and then even backed off on that and said we couldn't do that either. She is so angry, send s me nasty text messages saying I broke her trust, cause I moved on. BROKE HER TRUST!!??? WHAT? I never cheated on this woman. I meet lots of women on a daily basis cause of my Jobs, and not once did I stray or even think of it. I finally move on three months after getting dumped, and now I m considered this awfull person by her because I met another girl. The more I get her texts abnd emails, the more I realsie that my NAsty letter didn't hurt her as much as she says, but what hurt her was the fact that I can actually be social and meet new people, and m,aybe, just maybe , get over her. The reason she texts me now is to tell me she met another guy and is"talking" to him. Two Texts, and an email about this. I made the mistake of trying to be nice, and responded with "Congratulations,I am happy for you. I hope he treats you well. I want you to be happy". I got a vicious email back saying it was none of my business wether or not she was dating him or not. I was like OK..whatever, I was trying to be nice. I do want her to be happy, but more importantly, I want her daughter to be happy. AND more important than all that right now... I WANT ME TO BE HAPPY.

I haven't erased her number but I won't answer it, cause she calls my business phone, and I want o make sure I don't answer the call if she does., I did block her emails, and have said if she shows up when I am working, don't let her in. I also instructed friends of mine not to get sucked into the game, and if they run into her, I don't want to know. I can't block Text mesaging, but I willerase befire reading. I iwl miss her daughter, and who I thought she was, but I am done taking the blame and responsability for this pain and hurt. It say a lot when I am friends with 99% of my EXes, and she is not with any of hers.

As far as the new girl is concerned, I had a heart to heart talk with her, and asked if we could slow it down a little, and that I do like her (more and more everyday), but I want to make sure that I am not lettign my confusion hurt us. She is handlign it with class and dignity, and I am seeign a lot more of what I want in a relationship with her in the short time i have known her than the entire time I was with my Ex. NO CONTACT helps heal. I was doing better with that and had no confusion, untikl she broke it, and I let her.

My Ex broke my heart. I am not gonna let her help me break someone elses. I tried to be Adult. I tried to nice. I tried ot be friends for the little girls sake, but I finally realised, it aint my problem. I am not the one with issues. She is, and if I don't get over her, I will have issues affectign my future.

My Best Friend told me a long time ago, a piece of advice that I ignored here.

NEVER, EVER , DATE ANYONE WITH MORE ISSUES THAN YOURSELF. BECAUSE, EVENTUALLY, THEIR ISSUES BECOME YOURS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

Good advice, I didn't take it this last time, and I paid the price. I saw the Red Flags over an dover durign the course of ayear and a half... and Wow...... I did the list of Pros and Cons finally, and the bad outweighed the 6 to 1. What was I thinking? Before I met this woman, I was confident, goal driven, and fun to be around. My friends and family (noneof them liked her) all said I changed during this relationship. I became less sure, insecure, etc. She did everythign she could to tear me down, and nearly succeeded. Thank God She broke up with me. I can now find myself again. My friends are telling me that they can see a difference again. This time for the better. I iwllonkly give love to soemone who reciprocates. I aint gonna let her change me and make me bitter, all I am ognna change now is be smarter and recognise red flags when I see them.

[crazydawg]

If there is anyone on this board i can applaud it would be. You set an example for all of us. I wish everyone including myself would have the will power, and respect/patience you have had with this women. I'm in a similar situation and all i can say is AMEN brotha, You just did everything i couldn't.

 

EVERYONE SHOULD LEARN FROM THIS GUY, YOU CAN LET GO.!

[NatoPMT]

Ditto to what crazydawg says.

 

‘I did the list of Pros and Cons finally, and the bad outweighed the 6 to 1. What was I thinking’

 

There’s the bottom line, I have read somewhere (marriagebuilders.com? cant remember) that for every negative action there has to be 7 positive actions to start repairing the damage, and obviously some negative actions can never be undone. You had it the other way round, almost the exact opposite of a healthy relationship – you could say proven in statistics. Now there’s clarification you have done exactly the right thing.

 

Hope things work out with the new girl, don’t concentrate on getting over the ex too much, this doesn’t deserve much more of your energy. Just be happy you are free from her and the rest will follow.

 

BB

[lovingfeeling]

Panther,

 

I am going to through a similar situation like yours. I guess all you can do is move on with your life. Life is too short to spend it trying to accomplish the impossible. I once read that the best revenge (if you could call it like that) is too keep going with your life. Better yourself, succeed in your job, in your personal goals, go to the gym, etc. Then one day in the future when your ex sees you, she can see the person who she could have been with and she is not part of your life. She will regret it one day or maybe never but if she loved you one bit and she realizes it in the future, She will regret it knowing she could have been by your side and had a succesful man beside her. I think you deserve better and don't let this new girl down.

[Panther]

You are right the best revenge is living well. About two months ago, aI had a high school reunion and reconnected with some old buddies, and one of them is Bodybuilder. I expressed an interest in getting back in shape since I had let myself fall apart during the relationship. Prior to my Ex, I was Boxing and in the Gym 3 or 4 times a week, and hiking. I started working out with my Buddy, and I have dropped 22 pounds of flab, and have dropped 4 inches off my waist, and am starting to slowly get my confidence back. I kind of let things go with my business over this long crappy summer, and am starting to pull my head out of my A** now. I miss who I thought my Ex was, and of course her child (who is a victim of circumstances here), but I missed the real me during the relationship. You shouldn't have to change to be happy in a relationship. Compromise Yes, Change No. I am sure I will still think of all the "what If's", but I am starting to think "What If" I would of bailed when I saw this red Flag instead of waiting till the painful sad ending. But, Everything in life happens for a reason. I am not quite sure what reason I had or lesson I will learn from this. Probably .. the only thing good that came out of it is that I now know that I want a child of my own,a nd I want a good relationship.. not a bad one. Still learning..... still hurtin a bit, but I am gonna live. We all live through this crap. The best thing I can say to anyone is this. If you gave it your best, then even your Ex cannot say bad things about you. If they do, that shows what type of person they really are, and who cars what they think. Don't waste the Hate on them. That takes too much energy. Just don't care anymore. Be Happy! When you waste your time an energy over someone like that, you may be missing on on Mr. or Miss Right who may be right around the corner, and you are wasting too much time and energy worrying and stressing over someone who in the long run...doesn't really matter. Just wish them Happiness, say a prayer for the next fool to get caught up in there web, and move on. it is harder than it looks, but it can be done.

I am sure I will have my moments, and I am sure I haven't heard th elast from the Ex, but I am sure trying to make sure that I am done hearing from her. That may not be possible, but I can make sure it doesn't affect me or my future relationships. The new Girl is on... we will see what happens.. she is cool so far, and she puts a smile on my face, instead of hurt in my heart.

[Panther]

Even though I know I shouldn't, I stil want to pick up the phone and say Hi to my Ex and her little girl, and I DON'T. It is a rough road. I really do like the new girl, but there are of course residual feelings for my Ex and her little girl. NC is the best option, and I am using it to help heal myself. I still my miss my Ex, and I still wish I could be friends with her. BUT..... that is in by no means an option right now. It would disrepspect the new girl if I became friends with my ex for the sake of the little girl, and it would disrespect myself much more. I try to be strong, but trust me, every day is a battle, and I wish I could pick up the phone and call.

Sometiem syou know the best option is to let go, but even when you know it, it is still a hard choice. My Ex lives down the block from, shops at the same store I do, goes to the same video store, and the same restaraunts. She moved in my neighbourhood six months prior to the break up so we could be closer, or I could be a better doormat (whichever works). NC is the only way to go if you want to heal. I have had to switch grocery stores, video rental stores, and go to different restaurants just to make sure I don't run into her. I even take a different way home from work, sicne her place is on my way home and I could see it from street. I have to drive alittle longer, but it is worth the extra gas, not to be reminded of what a fool I was.

The new girl is a lot of fun, and very attractive, and is the complete oposite looks wise than my Ex (who was also very attractive). I like th enew girl, but am feelign like I am rebounding, and it is scarign em, cause I do like the new girl, but maybe feel like I jumped ot quickly without resolving feelings for the last situation. I like the new one, and don't want to get to get back together with Ex, but I am afraid, I am not healing properly... Any suggestions. I don't want to blow off the new girl, but i want her to know that I am still trying to heal...and I don't want to blow her off, or hurt her, and I would like to see where it heads. Albeit without the emotional baggage I am carrying.... Any thoughts?

[Panther]

well, two weks went by with NC after she showed up at club, and I was feeling better, feeling great, and having a lot fo fun. THEN..... YOU GUESSED IT. The Ex emailed me to say she hopes there are no hard felings, and hopes things will be cool when we run into eachother. I asked her to give me more time and space, acausse I did not the aggravation if she showed up at my Job. I asked for a couple mor emonths. She never went out on thi sparticular night when we dated. In fact I can coutn only 4 tiems she showed up to where I worked on thi sparticular night I work on one hand. She refused, saying she can go where she wants. I said it would be better for both of us if we gave it more time. She disagreed. I replied by saying that She can go to any other club she wants. She can even go to the club I work at on the nights I don't work. Then I found out she wants to parade her man in front of me, and wants to hang out there regularly on my night now. I had her banned from the club on nights I work cause of the crap she pulled on me prior. She called em a bunch of names. I ignored her emssages, and tomorrow night wil be the test. I would not have banned her from my job, but I really think if I showed up at her job, I would be arrested for "stalking" or something, why does she think it is cool to show up where I work to mes with my head?

I want her out of my life for good, any suggestions? This is gettign ridiculous. She broke up with me originally, and wanted tiem and space, and has not given me NC longer than two weeks.........

AAARRGHHHHH

[NatoPMT]

Hi Panther

 

This is getting nightmarish - i can only reiterate what i said before. Dont respond to her calls, emails etc, and keep her barred from the club on the nights you work. You arent healing, you are right, and this is prolonging things. She doesnt want to be your 'friend', she wants to make your life hard and cause unnecessary pain.

 

How did you find out she wanted to parade new bf in front of you? Was it that she turned up? I'm not quite clear on this bit. Has she turned up and got into the club? Is she still barred?

 

Panther you have to stop her doing this to you. You were doing fine, she shows up, your head gets messed up, you doubt your new girl, ex makes a show of herself at your work. Why on earth would this make you realise you still have feelings for her? You can stop those feelings by just accepting its over and that she's no good. Just accept it.

 

I understand how she's managing to weedle her way back into your head, but its you letting her. You DO have control over who you love, and either forget this woman or try with her again. One or the other, & i would seriously advise against the latter.

 

The new girl. I dont really think you should be with someone while you are still having thoughts of the ex, but again, if you take control over this and stop thinking of ex, then you can still make things work with new girl - but you have to want them to work. every time you think of ex, distract yourself, if you have dealt with the issues of the break up and its residual feelings of attraction bothering you, bury them by not letting yourself think them - dont indulge yourself by thinking about her. if you havent dealt with issues surrounding the break up - such as feelings of abandonment, rejection etc etc then its best you are on your own, but new girl may well not be there when you are out the other side and ready to date.

 

BB

[Panther]

I found out from a mutual friend that that was the reason for the "suddenly" wanting to show up to the club on nights I work. Apparantly she went there tio meet the new guy that night three weeks ago, but he left for soem reason, and so I became her target then cause he wasn't there. Who knows, I don't think I ever knew this woman anywhere where I thought I did.

I talked to the owner who saw some of the crap she pulled first hand, and all doormen, security, etc, have been advised not to let her in. I made it very clear to our mutual friend that the reason of keeping her away was for my mental and emotional health and not any revenge reasons. The friend agreed, and made it clear to her that was why she was banned.. My Friend then told me that they had talked to her and she still doesn't get it. He thinks she will never will, and seriously thinks she needs help. My friedns still think she will try somethign else, but I have instructed people to never tell me anythign about her again, as I don't want to know. Well any way, last night came and went, and she did not come down. Thank God! End of story.. hopefully. Big Belm, you are right on many counts. I have slowed it down with the new girl. She still wants to hang out and see what happens. I told her I can't make any promises, and she said she understood. We will see whaty happens there as she is a real sweet heart.

Hopefully the Ex will stay away. It is a shame I had to force her to give me my time and space to heal. A True friend would have understood that the dumpee heals much slower than the dumper cause the dumper usually was thinking about breaking up first and longer......

She is selfish, and only thinks of herself.

[atlous]

Hey Panther I need your advice because I was the dumpee and I feel like every two weeks I will text mess him something new. I don't want him to hate me I want him to know how much it hurt when he treated me bad. He was my first love and I also have a daughter who he fell in love with. She is 6 and I am 26. We had a great (so it felt) relationship and then he said the same thing that he had lost who he was but I fell in love with who he was. We just came back from mexico. WE would swim, skate and play basketball all the time now I became preg and he ditched me and then I lost it. All his friends are dogs and he doesn't have the same morals as them they treat thier women like **** and he treated me like gold until he had a crisis. He left our relationship to hang out with the girls he just met. I seen them and I am not even joking they are FAT! He made me feel so inadequate you know and I text mess him this and this was my last contact along with a letting go poem I got off here. I feel used but can't believe he is so confused. What would you think if you recieved this after so many texts. I mean know I really have to let go you know? I wonder if what you are feeling is what he is feeling for me. We broke up in Aug and every two weeks I have to say something and if he calls I never answer because I don't want to hear it. Panther how could your ex make you feel like wanting her back or is their to much damage. I feel he thinks I am a psycho and can't let it go. May be so but I was so hurt. we were together for three years and my daughter all ready has a great dad he was a great friend. Tell me your honest opinion please if you were yo recieve this mess.

 

 

" I just want to express my gratitude to you.It was a good thing that you slept at (girls house) because I would have stayed with you and things would not have changed and you would still think that I am the worst girlfriend. Change is good donkey and I wish you and the girl the best. my thougts will always be with ou and make sure you keep all the letters close because they are a reflection of what we had. all the best in the future and I wish you luck at school. Remember you can achieve anything as long as you believe that you are worth it. You will always hold a special place in my heart because we were eachothers firsts for many things. I deserve better than the way I was treated in the end, I don't blame you I thank you for the chioces you made. I love you and I always will takes care of yourself babes! Oh and as for the loss of the baby I went through it alone I got through it alone no worries"

 

Letting Go

 

To Let go does not mean to stop caring...

...it means I can't do it for someone else.

To Let go is not to cut myself off...

...it is the realization I can't control another.

To Let go is not to enable...

...but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To Let go is to admit powerlessness...

...which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To Let go is not to try to change or blame another...

...it's to make the most of myself.

To Let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To Let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To Let go is not to judge...

...but to allow another to be a human being.

To Let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes...

...but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To Let go is not to be protective...

...it's to permit another to face reality.

To Let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To Let go is not to nag, scold, or argue...

...but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To Let go is not to adjust everything to my desires...

...but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To Let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody...

...but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To Let go is not to regret the past...

...but to grow and live for the future.

To Let go is to fear less, and love more.

~Author Unknown

[Panther]

Well, th ehardest part of this is actually lettign go. I think if somehtign gets so bad, and there is no effort to make thigns work, then you need to let it go. There is a lot of pain. I jus theard my Ex Hates me now, cause she is banned from my club (where I work). She thinks I am doing this to be a mean person. In reality I am doing it so I can heal. She is a shallow selfish person whoonly thinks of herself. When she wanted space, I gave it to her. When I asjked for it, she said NO. That response and action said alot to me. Does it bother that hse "Hates me" now? A little. Does it matter in the long run. No. There is a woman out there who will be perfect for me. I jus thaven't met her yet. I am startign to beleive if problems start that get bad in a relationship.. then it is time to run for the hills. Be strong. move on, and be your own best friend, and the rest will follow. My Ex will make the next guy miserable,a nd I am not jealous of him. I am sad for him, cause he has no idea what he has in store for him. I pity the guy. I amlucky I amout. I miss who I thought she was. I miss her little girl. I feel thr most sorry for her.

Good luck...

You will find the right guy some day.....

[Panther]

someday in the future he will remember the good times. Let it go... Cause all they can remeber is the anger and hurt, and ther eown sill y little dramas,a nd insecurities. within time..from a month to a couple yrears, they will regret lettign a good person go, and by that time you will have move don and found soemone worthy of your love.