Does seperation mean "it's over"?? Lonliness takes over!

[L.Carrie]

Well, I really don't know where to start.

I guess at the beginning. My husband and I started dating back in 2000. He was my best friend's and co-worker's older brother. He had recently broken off of a relationship as had I. We truly found comfort in eachother and started dating. My best friend at the time who was his sister was very against that and made things very difficult for us. He moved out of the house they shared after their mother had passed away to am apartment closer to me and his job. Well, I became pregnant and we decided that getting married was the next step. He was such a sweetheart about it all. He said that if we were going to do it we were going to do it right and proposed on my birthday.....4 days later we were married.

Of course we had alot of problems living in a 1 bedroom apartment with no room for ourselves. Soon enough our son was born and we bought a house in the suburbs. Things were falling into place. We had the house, the new car-that he had given to me on my birthday- the dog....looking at us we seemed so perfect. We argued alot though. I was fed up with his schedule....work 8-5 (sometimes later) then the gym at 9-11pm. I worked too from 8-4 and I felt I was always doing everything at home. Well, he decided to quit his job that he had been at for 8 years and do the samething at a different location with a different company. I of course supported him completely. The 1 problem was that his hours were different. Now they were 10-8 (somethimes later), mine were still 8-4. It gave me enough time to pick up our son, come home make dinner and make sure everything was cleaned up. He would come home eat, watch tv and then he was off to the gym at 9. I got him for an hour a day. Sometimes by the time he got home I was in bed, although I did try to wait up.

We had tried some counseling but it was so expensive and ineffective that we had quit it. Everything seemed alright, not great but ok when he approached me 4 weeks ago tomorrow and said he we had to talk. I had wanted to talk to him becasue I had suspicions that I was pregnant so when he sat on the couch I curled up next to him. He said that he wanted to be seperated. My mouth dropped, my heart pounded and I think I blacked out b/c I vaguely remember the rest. He did want me to move in with my mother and take our son who is now 3 with me. I refused.....I would not leave our home when he wanted the seperation. He went to the gym that night and packed up some things and left. He moved in with his sister (the one that honestly does not like me anymore). I stayed home.

Things have now been very difficult.....I had to quit my job due to many issues there. Our son does nothing but cry for his daddy. He waits at the window for him, and now has nightmares, seperation anxiety and behavioral issues he never had. I am hurt, confused and angry. I spent the first week so angry that when he came to get his things I didn't talk to him. He would say "I love you" and leave. Then when he came by one Friday to pick up our son for the day-his day off- we talked while our son napped. I cried and he said that he wasn't happy. He had to leave. He had left hoping that he would miss me so much he would realize that he needed to be home. He was waiting for a feeling to fall out of the sky. He kept saying that he couldn't come home. He was sleeping on his sister's floor but he wouldn't come home. He said he loved me but that he wasn't happy. He left. He went on vacation one week. It's the vacation we usually take once a year to the mountains, he went with his sister her boyfriend and daughter. He came by and picked up our german shepherd and said good-bye. He said that he did miss us. He was gone for a week, and actually came back a couple days earlier than he had expected. I had spent the week caring for our son who had gotten 'hand, mouth foot syndrome" He was so sick with a fever of 103.9. My husband called once, then when he was on his way back. I had such high hopes that he would be coming home for good. That he had realized that he missed us, missed me. I even made dinner so he could eat when he came by to drop the dog. He wasn't here long. I asked him what he had come up with ...if he missed me yet and he said he did, but it wasn't what he expected. He didn't want to come home, and he didn't want to hurt us. He had brought our son some gifts and me a t-shirt. He wouldn't talk to my face and I couldn't take it. What couldn't he tell me?!

I called him Saturday morning and told him I couldn't take it anymore, that since he was just playing a game with us (I was angry) that I would say what he couldn't....it was over. He agreed. Then I told him what I wanted to tell him weeks ago....that I was pregnant. All he said was..."WHAT??!!" We ended the conversation angrily. All I could do was cry. I had lost my husband of 4 years to who knows who or what. He wouldn't speak to me b/c he needed to get advice...from his sister. He called me Saturday night...really late at about 12:30. It was a pleasant conversation he wanted to pick up our son the next day and spend some time with him. We talked for a little while and I asked him to come over...he hesitated a second then said that if it was going to be pleasant and nice then ok, he would. I washed my face since I had been crying earlier and waited for him. He came in and we talked for a while, actually we talked until 3 am. He said that things weren't right, they didn't feel right. He said he loved me but that he didn't think that that was enough. He said that that morning he had been ready to divorce me, but he didn't know. I asked him if that was was he wanted.....for good. He said no but that that was a solution. A new beginning. He feels it would be better in the longrun for all of us. He didn't want to come home and then leave again. He didn't know if he wanted to try again. He felt dead inside....drained. I kept telling him that we had things to work on and that we needed to talk about those things but he wouldn't. I told him that maybe he shouldn't come home because he wasn't ready. That we should get together every now and then..talk, go out spend time together alone...like we were dating. That way we could work on ourselves apart then with eachother. He said he didn't know....he just didn't know. I told him to think about it. He also told me something that I thought about all night......I said "I was your girlfriend once I can be it again"... ( we had so much fun back then, then we stopped spending time together) He said in such a sincere way that "maybe I miss my grilfriend" He left later on and I was left alone to think. He was right, about the grilfriend thing. After we got married I wanted to be the perfect wife. I cooked, cleaned, took care of the baby...I wanted everything to be perfect when he came home. I didn't work until our son was 18 months old so I had the time. I became overwhelmed.

After our son was born I went on the deprovera and went from a size 6 to a size 13. I became depressed. I spent less time on myself. I would wear big jeans and a t-shirt everywhere. I wasn't the woman he married, I became someone else. The next day he came over and picked up our son. When he dropped him off later I asked him if he was ok, if he had thought. He said that "we'll just take it like this, you're not angry or complaining, you're just.....you" I hugged him....he said "we'll take it day by day, play it by ear....real slow" He hugged me back and left after he kissed me. I try not to call him unless necessary. On Monday I went to a labor day party. Since I had to dress so nicely I went through some clothes. I couldn't fit into my size 13 jeans, not my size 11, or even my size 10's were loose. I had lost so much weight these past 3 weeks that I was wearing a size 9 and all my older nice shirts fit so nicely. I really shouldn't be losing weight, I should actually be real careful because i miscarried last year but I eat an it won't stay down and I don't have much of an appetite. The doctor said that under the stress it was normal though.

My son and I had a nice time at the party and when we left I packed up a dish of food with ribs, steaks, burgers, saussages and salads. I thought to myself that my husbadn had said theat he had to work that day so I figured I'd take my chance and bring him some food. When I arrived he was there working hard. Our son had fallen asleep in the back so I didn't want to be long, I also didn't want to keep my husband long. He was happy to see me, and even happier about the food. His friend who was there asked me when we were out of site if I was ok and I said no, becasue I really wasn't. He said "give him some space...you'll see everything will work out" I took that to heart. I really want this to work out. I wondered if his friend knew something I didn't. Afterwards we made small talk but nothing much. I was as pleasant as I could be but I just wanted to grab him and hold him. I didn't do it though, I don't want to be controlling, I don't say come home or I miss you anymore and I am even afriad to say I love you. I don't want to be controlling, I want him to want to come home, not because I ask him everytime I see him. Last night he called to remind me to do something and mentioned that instead of sleeping on the floor of his sister's house that she had moved everthing upstairs to the attic and he now had his own room with a bed, tv, phone, dresser. My heart sank because I felt him so far away. Now he's more comfortable, living the bachelor life I suppose. Not missing his family....away. I don't know what to do, I know he still loves me. I have no friends to turn to because noone I know has ever been through any of this. My parents are very happily married and very close to me. I know that just becasue you are seperated doesn't mean it's the end. I have only heard of 1 couple who were seperated for 6 months and he had an affair. Now they are still happily married and have a baby on the way. I don't know what to think...if it's another woman or not. I don't think so, but who knows....Any advice? Thanks

[Quilly]

Unfortunately it's hard to know what to do when you have no idea what's going on inside his head. You just have to keep trying to communicate with him. See if you can talk about what it was that you enjoyed and appreciated about each other early on in your relationship... maybe these are some things that you could begin working on again for each other. Try to get that alone time with him if he's willing. Do things to demonstrate to him that you are trying to get things back on track. But remember you also need to be taking care of yourself, the new baby, and your son. Good luck.

[sam5219]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I think you need some marriage counseling immediately and maybe just for yourself not together. Don't wait to see what your husband wants to do. Help yourself first it will make you happier in the end.

[L.Carrie]

Thankyou both so much for your words of encouragement. I am really trying to take care of myself and my son. The new baby is always in my heart as well. I feel so alone in this. My family try to help but they don't know what this is like. My husband stopped by today to pick up something and fix the entertainment center that was crooked. He forgot that our son started preschool today, and he felt pretty guilty. He remembered his niece started school but that's b/c he's living with them. Tomorrow he's going to pick up our son from school. Today though when he came over I had been crying b/c my baby had cried when I left him at school. I was pretty emotional and for whatever reason I asked my husband..."Do you ever get lonely?" and esaid that of course he did. "I too feel lonely, I cried myself to sleep the other night too" I felt bad for him, but didn't show it. Later I told him "I wish I knew what was going on in your head" and he replied that he wished he knew too. Today is 4 weeks that he's not been here and it's not any easier. He even told me I was "sexy" today which caught me off guard b/c he never dropped many compliment s about my looks after we married. He said that I was always sexy, he just never told me. Whenever I asked how I looked I always got "fine". Do you guys think maybe he's trying to change too?? I am so confused....lost. Am I going nuts????

[sam5219]

First off you are not going nuts! This is a HUGE change in your life and the pain is not easy to deal with. Remember you are not alone out there as you can see by the website. Open up to your family and friends don't shut them out even if you think they won't understand. Sometimes it helps just having someone listen.

 

Focus on yourself and your son first. I again recommend finding a therapist in your area.

 

Again best of luck.

[L.Carrie]

I am really trying to get through this. Today he picked up our son from school. He had called me earlier to ask me which door to go through. Before I hung up I had said "I love you" like I always did, pretty much like I always did. He mumbled back and hung up. Later on I called him b/c I got a ticket b/c my inspection was expired on my car. I asked him about our son and then I told him I was sorry for making him feel uncomfortable. He said it was fine just "though him off guard", now I can't even say that I love him. I do, but now I can't say it. He's so different on the phone than he is in person. Is there anybody that has gone though a seperation similar to this and it worked out....succeeded. I am looking for hope.

[L.Carrie]

Yesterday my husband's friend stopped by to borrow our Jeep. My husband had called me in the morning to ask if his friend could borrow it then he called again to let me know at what time he'd be stopping by. His friend M was very nice. He told me to smile and all I could muster up was a weak grin. We talked awahile and he told me that my husband is misreable without us....but like I keep saying that was his decision. M did tell me something that I had never stopped to think about. He said that I have to be patient with my husband. I guess my husband has spoken to him becasue M told me that my husband is on the verge of an emotional breakdown and that all his friends are worried. M told me that verything was too much for my husband. It all happened too fast. He lost his mother to alcoholism, his girlfriend at the time cheated on him, he met me, moved out of his mother's house, I got pregnant, we married, bought a house, a new car, the inground pool, the dog, the motorcycle, he had back surgery, my family moved in for a while, he had to build them a room, the bills, the bills and the bills. My husband doesn't talk much. He never really has. I am the talker in the relationship. I am the social butterfly...he keeps to himself. I guess he kept all this stuff to himself...and it slowly escalated. Of course he would come home at 8-if not later, eat and go to the gym at 9 only to be back at 11. He didn't want to be there. I guess I got on his nerves too, reminding him to clean up his stuff, rinse out the blender after his protein shakes, ets etc. M says that he just needs time away...some space. I can understand that, and I am trying to give him that- as hard as it is. He calls me frequently though. I am worried about him, afraid he may have a stroke or something. I want him home but if what he needs is time...........

M also told me not to worry becasue he truly thinks my husband will be home soon. He said that my husband doesn't want it to go as far as divorce, but yet he come here and is so negative saying that he doesn't think that we will ever work. M said that I just have to be patient with him, be his wife, support him so he sees what it is he's missing, and when the time comes welcome him home. He also said that he knew that we were both misreable, that if I needed anything to call him, that he knows how difficult this can all be. I don't know if my husband sent him to tell me this stuff or if he was being sincere. If he was being sincere then that means that my husband will eventually come home....that there is hope. I don't know what to think. Maybe I am reading too much into all this. Please someone help........

[Quilly]

Until the day comes that he tells you he wants a divorce, there's nothing wrong with holding on to hope. You know him best, so do whatever it is that feels right given the circumstances. And don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. Let him know that you're there for him, that you still love him and want to be with him but that you are willing to give him the space he needs. Hopefully his friend is right and everything will work out... but if it doesn't, know that we're here for you.

[L.Carrie]

Thankyou Quilly for the support and the encouragement, you can't imagine how much I needed that. Today was a weird day.....I ran errands all day with my 3 yearold. The day went by quicker than usual. I hate night time b/c I am alone, but it also allows me to think, reflect and pray. After hearing from my husband pretty much everyday this week, pretty much on his own accord today at about 10 o'clock I was thinking about how today was actually the first day that he hadn't called me. Thursday he came over to feed his snakes, our son had started school and we were here alone. He felt awful for forgetting that he started that day. Friday he picked him up from preschool, I saw him then too....time alone after our son went down for a nap. Saturday he called about my car....3 x's. The last time he really didn't have to call me, he could of called his friend M to find out if he ahd dropped off the car or not. Yesterday he called b/c he was going to be stopping by to drop off some groceries that he didn't pickup on Friday. I don't call him b/c he wants that "space".....but he calls me. Tonight just as I was contemplating him not calling me...doesn't my phone ring and it's him. He says he's was leaving the gym and just wanted to talk to our son. He only spoke to him for about 30 seconds b/c our son doesn't really like talking to him much lately. I think he gets frustrated when daddy won't tell him when he's coming home. Then he spoke to me for almost 20 minutes. Told me about work, and the gym. It was a nice pleasant conversation. Then I told him about things at home with our son. I started to say goodbye when he said that he was just calling to talk with our son. I said "yeah, with our son", he said yeah, and you too. That's how he confuses me. Mind games maybe...or he's just as confused. He called to talk to our son who spoke with him for about 30 seconds and he could of said goodbye afterwards but continued to talk to me. I asked him if he wanted to join me for a walk at the lake nearby and he said "no", I guess I expected it. We did that alot when we were dating. I love the fact that he is calling me, I just hope I am not reading too much into anything, or everything. My mother told me that he misses me he just doesn't realize it yet. Maybe there's some truth to that. I am holding onto just about anything.

Thankyou for your continued support.

[L.Carrie]

Well, I don't know what to think anymore. I have been holding out for hope, peace, and being patient. Well, early thign morning I recieved a seperation agreement from my husband's lawyer. My heart is shattered, my hope pretty much gone. What should I think, does this mean it's the end?! What's the difference between this and divorce papers? Are they one in the same?? I didn't expect this at all.

[Quilly]

I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you must be feeling right now. The very least your husband could have done is let you know this was coming. Unfortunately I have no experience with legal separations but perhaps it's somewhat of a good sign since he didn't proceed directly to the divorce...????

 

I talked with an attorney before separating from my husband just to make sure I wouldn't be getting myself into trouble later on (like abandonment or relinquishing my share of our home/assests). My attorney did not advise me to get a legal separation... maybe your husband's attorney recommended it (and possibly just because the attorney was looking to make some money that week). Only your husband knows the reasons why. Hopefully someday you can get him to share those thoughts with you.

 

In the meantime, I would suggest starting a new thread asking for advice/information on legal separations. You'll get a better response that way. Hang in there!

[Scott S]

Well, I don't know what to think anymore. I have been holding out for hope, peace, and being patient. Well, early thign morning I recieved a seperation agreement from my husband's lawyer. My heart is shattered, my hope pretty much gone. What should I think, does this mean it's the end?! What's the difference between this and divorce papers? Are they one in the same?? I didn't expect this at all.

 

 

I'm very sorry to hear that. Having that come out of nowhere like that must have been devastating.

 

They aren't one in the same. A separation is just that, the spouses live apart, & the papers specify issues like finances, custody, etc. The separatees remain legally married, & have been known to get back together. The divorce is what actually ends the marriage.

 

Is this a legal separation, or a "trial" separation? There is some difference between those as well.

[Brwneye381]

Well, yesterday was the most difficult day of all this. I spent the day like a zombie....crying. I woke up this morning with puffy eyes to a call from a lawyer. He is a christian lawyer and I am hoping he will help me. I can't afford very much. I went to meet with him and he told me that I didn't have to consent to the seperation. When my husband first left we argued all week, the first week was difficult...I was so angry. During one of those arguments he told me that he had spoken to his lawyer and that he said that I couldn't keep our son from him. I told him that I wasn't, we had just been busy. Then he told me that if we were seperated for 1 year the court would automatically award us a divorce. Well, yesterday when I recieved the seperation agreement I called him to say "gee thanks for the heads up". He said that he wasn't expecting the papers to go out so soon. He said that if he did it now or in 6 months that it wouldn't make a difference. We could still hope that we could work everything out, maybe we would get back together, and maybe we couldn't. I was angry with him. I told him the parents of my close friends who after years of marriage he had an affair. He felt so bad about it that he told his wife. They tried working at it for a while but she decided that she couldn't do it. She moved out, took her things with her. Even tried dating other people and when they sat down to sign the divorce papers almost 3 years later they couldn't do it, and today they aren't the perfect couple, they still have counseling but they are trying to make it work. I told him about them and he said that maybe that would be us. I told him I had hope. That I knew the awful things that had happened in that marriage, the affair that he had had and how awful everything was, they made it work. Then my husband said "well, who knows with everything that has happened, everything that I have done" I kept talking about how I was going to be hopeful. He said "I am sure that they saw other people too" I didn't think about anything that he had said until afterwards. What had my husband done?! The weekend before he left I had had a girls' night out and he had had a boys night out. I came home at about 2:30 am, and my husband wasn't home yet so I called him, he was about 30 minutes away and he said that he was the designated driver and was waiting on his friends. He told me he'd be home in an hour........my husband came home at 6:39am. I was awake still. We didn't argue about it but I was obviously angry. The next day he must of felt guilty because he took our son and I out to eat. That night he said that he was going to take his motorcycle for a ride....get some air. He said he went to see his sister but was gone for quite a while. I could never ask her becasue she would cover for her brother just to see us destroyed. Wednesday of that week, he had taken our son shopping and had returned early because he had forgotten he was working on somebody's car that night and the guy had called him while he was at the store telling him that he was waiting for him at the shop. I was dissapointed b/c I wanted to spend time with him, but what could I do. Maybe he was up to something, although it's only a gut feeling, only a thought. People I talk to that know him say that he is pretty misreable and he works sometimes later than 8 or even 9pm. Then he's at the gym until late...real late. I believe what they say b/c they honestly have nothing to win by lying to me. They know him but aren't close friends. Maybe he wants to do what his sister used to tell him to do "sleep with A to see if you really love Lesly", maybe he wants this freedom right now. Maybe people are right when they say it was too much for him all at once, maybe they are right. Today when I spoke to my lawyer he said that the lawyer that my husband is going through is extemely aggressive. He's very hard to deal with. He's dealt with him before and has actually gotten into arguements over the phone that he's had to actually hang up the phone. I think that my husband probably went out there to see what his rights were that first week and then the lawyer talked him into the seperation agreement. Probably to make some extra money...who knows. He could of gone right to divorce, I think, can he even do that go right to divorce, skip seperation? Anyways, I have decided after much praying that I will not be consenting to the seperation, which only means now that if he wants to divorce in a year he has to have grounds for divorce; Abandonment, abuse, adultry and he can't becasue I have never done any of those. It's going to cost me alot of money that I don't have though and I have to pray I come up with it. I have faith my husband will come home.......I am hopeful. I really do think that he will. I WISH I COULD TALK TO SOMEONE WHO HAS GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND HAS HAD THEIR MARRIAGE RECONCILED WITH THEIR SPOUSE. I won't though go down without a fight. I know that my husband still loves me, I know it, but I think that he did something wrong that weekend before he left, he felt guilty so he took us out for dinner the next day, then he asked his sister for advice when he went to see her and I imagine that it couldn't of been very positive. He did something wrong and feels guilty and that's why he does those little things for me like buy me all my favorite foods and he calls me becasue he really does actually miss me. He doesn't have to talk to me, and he doesn't have to stay after I put our son down for a nap after spending the day with his father. He doesn't have to stay but he does. He comes over and tells me that I am sexy and that I turn him on...still. He wants to have sex when he's here, but I can't do it. Would he still be coming over and wanting to have sex if he were with another woman?! I don't know what to do, but I think that he can't face me with the truth becasue he did something wrong that one night and although he may not still be cheating on me he feels guilty. Maybe that is it, maybe all it will take is time for him to work through these issues. Maybe his friends are right when they say that he'll be home when he realizes what he has other people are envious of. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe..........Does that sound far fetched? Am I reaching.....Is my hope clouding my judgement? Please....give me some advice.

Thanks

Lesly

[L.Carrie]

Well, yesterday was the most difficult day of all this. I spent the day like a zombie....crying. I woke up this morning with puffy eyes to a call from a lawyer. He is a christian lawyer and I am hoping he will help me. I can't afford very much. I went to meet with him and he told me that I didn't have to consent to the seperation. When my husband first left we argued all week, the first week was difficult...I was so angry. During one of those arguments he told me that he had spoken to his lawyer and that he said that I couldn't keep our son from him. I told him that I wasn't, we had just been busy. Then he told me that if we were seperated for 1 year the court would automatically award us a divorce. Well, yesterday when I recieved the seperation agreement I called him to say "gee thanks for the heads up". He said that he wasn't expecting the papers to go out so soon. He said that if he did it now or in 6 months that it wouldn't make a difference. We could still hope that we could work everything out, maybe we would get back together, and maybe we couldn't. I was angry with him. I told him the parents of my close friends who after years of marriage he had an affair. He felt so bad about it that he told his wife. They tried working at it for a while but she decided that she couldn't do it. She moved out, took her things with her. Even tried dating other people and when they sat down to sign the divorce papers almost 3 years later they couldn't do it, and today they aren't the perfect couple, they still have counseling but they are trying to make it work. I told him about them and he said that maybe that would be us. I told him I had hope. That I knew the awful things that had happened in that marriage, the affair that he had had and how awful everything was, they made it work. Then my husband said "well, who knows with everything that has happened, everything that I have done" I kept talking about how I was going to be hopeful. He said "I am sure that they saw other people too" I didn't think about anything that he had said until afterwards. What had my husband done?! The weekend before he left I had had a girls' night out and he had had a boys night out. I came home at about 2:30 am, and my husband wasn't home yet so I called him, he was about 30 minutes away and he said that he was the designated driver and was waiting on his friends. He told me he'd be home in an hour........my husband came home at 6:39am. I was awake still. We didn't argue about it but I was obviously angry. The next day he must of felt guilty because he took our son and I out to eat. That night he said that he was going to take his motorcycle for a ride....get some air. He said he went to see his sister but was gone for quite a while. I could never ask her becasue she would cover for her brother just to see us destroyed. Wednesday of that week, he had taken our son shopping and had returned early because he had forgotten he was working on somebody's car that night and the guy had called him while he was at the store telling him that he was waiting for him at the shop. I was dissapointed b/c I wanted to spend time with him, but what could I do. Maybe he was up to something, although it's only a gut feeling, only a thought. People I talk to that know him say that he is pretty misreable and he works sometimes later than 8 or even 9pm. Then he's at the gym until late...real late. I believe what they say b/c they honestly have nothing to win by lying to me. They know him but aren't close friends. Maybe he wants to do what his sister used to tell him to do "sleep with A to see if you really love Lesly", maybe he wants this freedom right now. Maybe people are right when they say it was too much for him all at once, maybe they are right. Today when I spoke to my lawyer he said that the lawyer that my husband is going through is extemely aggressive. He's very hard to deal with. He's dealt with him before and has actually gotten into arguements over the phone that he's had to actually hang up the phone. I think that my husband probably went out there to see what his rights were that first week and then the lawyer talked him into the seperation agreement. Probably to make some extra money...who knows. He could of gone right to divorce, I think, can he even do that go right to divorce, skip seperation? Anyways, I have decided after much praying that I will not be consenting to the seperation, which only means now that if he wants to divorce in a year he has to have grounds for divorce; Abandonment, abuse, adultry and he can't becasue I have never done any of those. It's going to cost me alot of money that I don't have though and I have to pray I come up with it. I have faith my husband will come home.......I am hopeful. I really do think that he will. I WISH I COULD TALK TO SOMEONE WHO HAS GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND HAS HAD THEIR MARRIAGE RECONCILED WITH THEIR SPOUSE. I won't though go down without a fight. I know that my husband still loves me, I know it, but I think that he did something wrong that weekend before he left, he felt guilty so he took us out for dinner the next day, then he asked his sister for advice when he went to see her and I imagine that it couldn't of been very positive. He did something wrong and feels guilty and that's why he does those little things for me like buy me all my favorite foods and he calls me becasue he really does actually miss me. He doesn't have to talk to me, and he doesn't have to stay after I put our son down for a nap after spending the day with his father. He doesn't have to stay but he does. He comes over and tells me that I am sexy and that I turn him on...still. He wants to have sex when he's here, but I can't do it. Would he still be coming over and wanting to have sex if he were with another woman?! I don't know what to do, but I think that he can't face me with the truth becasue he did something wrong that one night and although he may not still be cheating on me he feels guilty. Maybe that is it, maybe all it will take is time for him to work through these issues. Maybe his friends are right when they say that he'll be home when he realizes what he has other people are envious of. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe..........Does that sound far fetched? Am I reaching.....Is my hope clouding my judgement? Please....give me some advice.

Thanks

Lesly

PS.Sorry if this gets posted 2x's, I wasn't logged in when I typed it and I thought putting in my nickname would log me in after I had typed it and it didn't so I had to log in and redo it all. So my apologies.

[cateinaus]

Gee I really feel for you and I think that there is more going on than meets the eye. I wouldn't be surprised if maybe he had cheated and couldn't deal with the guilt feelings. "Out of sight out of mind", by not being around you he may be able to cope more with what he is feeling. I just think there is more to it. This doesn't mean that you can't work it out. And certainly I'm not accusing him of anything, he could be totally innocent on this................but just personally I can smell a rat. Hugs.

[L.Carrie]

Well,

Until today I hadn't spoken to my husband since I recieved the seperation agreement, which was monday. I have spent some very difficult days, very heartbroken but still in all my madness I continue to cry out to GOD. I have spoken to my pastor who has told me that all the things I have told him like that it was too much at once and so on are just excuses I keep giving C. I spent the day today crying and praying. Mostly asking that the reason my husband left be revealed to me ....I can't seem to get these answers from anyone. Through it all, the lack of hope everyone else gives me (not everyone but some), I hold onto what GOD said to me the first time....."Prodigal Son". I cling to that.

 

Well, I had a feeling that C would be calling me so I waited, and he did actually call me. He wanted to pick up out son at school tomorrow, I asked him if we could talk...somewhere other than on the phone...in person. I didn't want to talk at our house so we met at a park. I didn't have to push the subject, he agreed to meet me. There were so many things I wanted answered. We walked around the park.....hand in hand, and it wasn't out of habit, he would take mine and I would take his. I asked him why he had had those papers sent to me. He told me that the first week that we had argued, I had told him that I had spoken to my lawyer and I had even asked him for the address he was at. Also when we went to counseling the counsler had asked us if we had seen a lawyer and although my husband said no I said that I had spokent to a person in my church who was a lawyer. C said that all he heard was lawyer so he felt he should contact a lawyer and find out his rights so he did that. They had written up the papers but his lawyer said that he wouldn't send them out until after he talked to C. He never talked to him , he just sent them out. C said that he went in to talk about his rights and the lawyer insisted that he write up those papers to protect himself. From what I have heard from the lawyer I consulted C's lawyer is extemely aggressive, he makes big deals out of nothing. Maybe my heart is making excuses again. I asked C what it was he wanted......did he really want to be seperated, divorced? He said that he didn't know, he doesn't want to be divorced, he just wants to be ..........Happy, and he wasn't. He said that he feels dead inside, and doesn't want to try anymore. I told him that we could just talk every now and then, we didn't have to go out to dinner, a movie and dancing and he said that that is what he's supposed to want to do. He's supposed to want to take his wife out to eat and send her flowers, but he doesn't feel he wants to anymore. He says he feels dead inside. I told him that he should see what horrible things his family is passing because of all this, and he said that everyone is mad at him, but he just wasn't happy. He doesn't know if he'll be home for Christmas, or even New Year's. He said that "maybe" he will. He said that everyone keeps telling him to do the right thing, and he knows what the right thing is....to go home and work it out. I know my husband and when I looked into his eyes I saw confusion, he's lost. He too is struggling. I continued to talk to him and he kept saying that he didn't think that we could work "right now", At one point he said that he didn't want to lead me on anymore. I made him look me in the eye and tell me if he loved me or not, and he said he did. He said "I LOVE YOU L" and then I told him to look me in the eye and tell me that he wanted to be seperated and with tears in his eyes he avoided my eyes as he told me that he wanted to be seperated. He kept saying over and over...I just want to be Happy! I asked him what would it take to make him happy and he didn't know, he said he wished he knew but he doesn't. I told him that I had hope, faith that he would come home and I took his hands and said "C should I even bother anymore?" He walked around for a bit...pacing and said.... "If it makes things any better, then no, we won't work" He couldn't look me in the eye and I saw tears on his cheeks. I have only seen my husband cry a handful of times. He was fighting not to look at me, so I did what my heart said and I hugged him. I felt his chest tighten b/c he didn't want to cry and then I felt the tears on my shoulders. He said that he didn't know what would happen next week, next month or even 6 months from now. He said that maybe he would be home and maybe he wouldn't. Then when I made him look me in the eye to tell me if I should even still bother he avoided my eyes and said "no". He says that he doesn't want to try b/c he doesn't believe he'll give 100%. Up to that point I hadn't cried, I just listened. He kept saying over and over that he was confused. I asked him how everything else in his life was and he said that not that great. He said that he didn't even think he liked his job anymore, and that he only had $3 in the checking account. When he told me that he didn't think he liked his job anymore I tell you my heart stopped. That wasn't my husband, C loves his job in a way that we always joked about bing unhealthy. He loved his job and now he says that he doesn't think he likes it anymore.......it was too weird, odd.....scary. C hugged me and then he left...after saying that he wasn't proud about the way he felt or about what was happening but that he was so sorry. Then he got in his car and I saw the tears on his face.

 

I decided to stay at the park and any other night I would of been petrified to be by myself, but tonight my heart was broken. C backed up to where I was standing and told me that I really shouldn't be walking around there at that time at night......I half interested in what he had to say just shrugged...he said he was sorry again and left. I saw his cars lights disapear and I lost it. I broke down in the middle of the park, by myself. I sobbed and said over and over again "GOD WHY???, What now??" In the midst of my sorrow I heard nothing, how alone I felt......I sat in my car and cried, I called my mom ( she was with our son and my family and I are very close) and sobbed over the phone. She left and came to get me, to comfort me. As I sobbed over the phone with her I saw C's car drive by the park, he was probably worried b/c it was dark and I was alone in a park and he drove by to check on me.

 

When my mother pulled up I could barely speak through my tears and sobs, my chest hurt. I sat in my car gripping the steering wheel. I watched as my mother made a call on her cell phone from her car. I couldn't hear the converation b/c the windows were up but I didn't care I figured she was talking to my father. When she got out of her car she came over to mine to talk to me and she told me that she has just spoken to C. She said that she was trying to stay out of it but she had to call him tonight. She had hoped that he would confide in her like he had done on several other occasions before. I was outraged but I let her talk. She told me that she had told him that what he was doing was wrong and the way he was doing it was wrong too. He said that he knew he was hurting alot of people but he just wasn't happy and that I knew that. I knew we had issues but I like I told him I didn't know he was misreable. My mother told him that she couldn't stand to see me and especially our son suffer. She also told him that she missed him and that we all love him. My mother was crying when she spoke to him. That must of touched his heart, he's never really had anybody tell him that they love him other than me. She asked him if he was sick and he said that he wasn't and my mother told him to seek help b/c he was ill. My mother said that she said it very kindly and out of concern for him. She said that when she heard C's he sounded sick, he sounded so sad, so lonely which is exactly what I had seen in those blue eyes of his. Then out of nowhere in the midst of my tears I recalled something that seemed completely irrelevant to anything. C transfered from one job to another about 4-5 months ago. He's doing the same thing but for a different company. He moved b/c the new owner wouldn't give him a $15 raise which C deserved considering that C hadn't had a raise in 3 years and the new owner had cut out all his commissions, C was hoping that the raise would make up for that. The new owner refused to give him a raise and C left. The day that C left "J" the new owner called him into his office and said "I will guarantee you that in 6 months you will be divorced and bankrupt". J was angry b/c C was leaving and taking hundreds of thousands of dollars of buisness with him. C had come home upset about that comment and he told me that J kept repeating it to him over and over and then C left. Well, I told my mother and she stared at me. She said that that was exactly what was happeneing. Maybe someone had tried to curse him or something. Who knows maybe again I am making excuses. There's just this sudden change in C. He is so confused and he did tell me that there was only $3 in the account and that he didn't even know if he liked his job anymore or not. The last time all we had was $3 was 3 years ago and that was becasue we had bought our house. The look of confusion on my husband's face, the loneliness in his eyes. I saw pain. He said that he didn't think it would work right now but he didn't have to meet me at the park. He could of left at anytime, he missed going to the gym , which he would never had done, but he did b/c he was talking to me. He didn't have to hold my hand as we walked, he didn't have to hug me. He didn't have to do any of those things, but he did.

 

I am still hopeful and God has given me this hope. My Pastor is going to call C I am praying that C will actually talk to him. He may not but I pray he will. C has never had another man to talk to, his father left him when he was only 2. My husband will be coming home and I say that with faith.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

 

This morning I called C to let him know that our son wasn't feeling well and that he wouldn't need to pick him up at Preschool. I was going to put him back down for some rest and he could pick him up afterwards. He said that he would go to the gym and then pick him up. I asked him to call me to make sure that our son was ready. He called me later on and I told him that I was just getting out of the shower and that our son was not ready yet. He said that he would go to his sister's house, where he is staying and shower and then pick up our son. I said sure. He arrived at about 1 o'clock and I told him that I wanted to have some words with him when he came back and he said that that was fine. He stayed a bit and said that when he came back he would fix our tub and sink. He then proceeded to telling me about his sister and her new custody battle. Afterwards I walked he and our son out to my car becasue he was going to use that b/c a friend of his was borrowing his car. I said goodbye to my little boy and my husband leaned in almost to kiss me but hugged me instead, not really like a hug with arms wrapped around eachother like he hugged me last night, not an embrace, but more of a leaning against me and hand on my hip kind of hug. They left.

 

He was supposed to bring our son back at 5 and usually he's earlier than that, but he was late this time, he brought him home at 6pm. I noticed that his sister had followed him to give him a ride home. I was steaming!!! She was all smiles. My husband tends to be very different around her. He came in like the wind. Dropped off some stuff he had bought at Wegman's for our son, some dog food. He said good-bye to our son a kind of goodbye to me and left. He did say that he was sorry that he couldn't stay but that his sister was his only ride home. I just wanted to say "and I can't take you home??!!!" but to avoid confrontation I kept quiet. He knew I was angry though. I know he did. He got in his sister's car and left. My son ran to the door and cried "don't leave me again....goodbye friend". He did say that he was sorry but he couldn't stay b/c his sister had to take him to pick up his car. He had anticipated staying then. He was going to fix the bathroom sink, so I knew he was going to stay. He had this look on his face though, he had a 1/2 smile....almost. He's so different around his sister. He was smart not to bring her in our home.

 

Afterwards our son was telling me about how they had gone to Toys'rus and daddy had bought him some stuff. I asked him where his stuff was and he said that daddy left it at his sister's house. He told daddy that he wanted it but he had said no. He proceeded to tell me what he and daddy did all day. He was upset that he had spent the day with C's sister and not daddy. He said that he went everywhere with daddy and his sister. That bothered me. It really steamed me.

 

The reason I wanted to talk to C was b/c I wanted to ask him if he was still going to go through with the seperation agreement. I wanted to ask him if he would annull it or whatever it is. That way we wouldn't have to refinance the house and buy one or the other out. We wouldn't have to do any of that. I wanted to ask him if we could just live the way we are living...seperate for the next...I don't know 6 months. I will give him money for the bills as I always have and this is his home so he can come here and see his son whenever he wants. I wanted to propose that. If he does decide to go through with the seperation agreement I will not consent to it which means that in a year if he wants a divorce he has to have grounds....adultry, neglect, abuse and he has no grounds. Alot of nasty things will come out. For one, his sister is trying to open her own daycare center, and now she's fighting for custody of her daughter. Well, I will not allow my son to spend time at her house b/c she is an alcoholic. That will come out and so many nasty things. I don't want to fight. I want to try to work all this out. Any advice????

[L.Carrie]

Thankyou so much....I went to that website and I joined. I tried buying the book but I couldn't. There's no actual place to order it. I did however email the site and ask how I could order it. Do you have any experience with that book? I did take my son out tot he mall. I really had to get out of my house, so we went to tha mall. I bought another book called Divorce Busting.

 

Today I called my husband and asked him if he was still going to go through with the seperation agreement. I told him my proposal of me continuing to give him money as usual and he would continue to pay the bills. I told him as far as our son that our home is still his home and that he could come here and see him anytime he wanted. I really wanted to see how he would react.........so I was calm and collected as I spoke to him. It was an actual pretty pleasant conversation. He had told me the last time that I had seen him that if it made it any easier on me than "no" I shouldn't have any hope. Yet, he continued to talk to me and tell me about work, and then he said that he would talk to his lawyer and see what he could do about getting out of the agreement. He even went as far as explaining to me where he had heard about his lawyer and why he had gone to see him, and he just went on and on. Then he said that he would talk to his lawyer on Monday and call me. I am hopeful, but I still think that the lawyer will talk him into continuing with the process. I told him that under the circumstances and the fact that he was so confused and lost that I didn't think he should be making decisions that would affect all of us for the rest of our lives. He agreed. I reminded him that he had said that he didn't know if he'd be home for Christmas, New Year's.....or ever. He seemed to agree. He could of reminded that he had said not to have any hope. He could of ended the conversation...he didn't have to explain everything. He didn't have to do alot of things, but the fact of the matter is that he did. I am trying to read him better. Should I read what he says or what he does?? I still feel so lost, but a little better equipped.

[NatoPMT]

Hi L.

 

I am so sorry for your awful situation, I think you are showing tremendous strength of character. It seems that the conversations are revolving around ‘what happens next’ as the conversations about why this has happened are not getting any answers, vagueness and confusion are all that C seems to be able to communicate to you at the moment. Can he explain, or will he explain to you HOW he ended up feeling ‘dead inside’? What lead to the emotional shutdown he’s experiencing? If all he wants is happiness, why wasn’t he happy?

 

I asked him what would it take to make him happy and he didn't know, he said he wished he knew but he doesn't

 

If I was talking to him, I’d say to him to take some time on his OWN, without biased opinion (his sister?) to take stock of this deadness, it wont last forever, and when he comes out of the other side of this shutdown he’ll know what he wants. If something did happen that weekend before you separated, it may be that he feels he can’t live with you now out of an honour of sorts after something has happened, that is absolutely conjecture on my behalf of course.

 

"If it makes things any better, then no, we won't work"

 

He’s crying for one of the few times in your relationship that you have seen, he said this is to make things easier for you, truly. But the more this is pushed, the more he will see it as the only option to stop everyone’s pain, which he feels responsible for.

 

My only advice to you is to back right off – he’s confused. He cant make any decisions while his confusion lasts – it will be a quicker and more simple conclusion if hes given the time to work this out (he needs to get away from his meddling sister to get a true reflection). I hope you can find the strength to get through this and rely on your family, your mum sounds great – can you go and stay with her a while until this is not as fresh as it is right now?

 

I hope things get better for you, BB

[L.Carrie]

Thankyou. I would like to think that I am showing tremendous strength of character, but most of the time I feel drained and ...well hurt. I cry so much, but I would never let my husband know that. I hadn't noticed that the conversations were revolving over what to do next instead of what had happened. Thankyou for pointing that out. I guess that is a good thing. I have asked him in the past how this all happened and like you said I get very vague answers, very confused answers. He doesn't know why he wasn't "happy", or what it will take to make him "happy". I even asked him what his definition of happiness was. His answer "it can't be what I was". I think that alot of his shadows from the past are coming out. His father abandoned him as a baby, and his mother's alcoholism which eventually killed her. His familiy's lack of interest in him. He came from a very dysfunctional, broken home. Maybe that is affecting him. I wish I could ask him to get "away" from everything and his sister. He would never stand for it. He holds his sister on this pedistal, almost. I understand that they supported eachother becasue they only had eachother for many many years but when we married he started a new family, away from .....well, his sister. It has always bothered him that she and I don't get along, but you know he doesn't see that she has never made an effort. A couple months ago we all went to a park, and I was walking along the water's edge and I fell in. Since I was carying the camera I didn't want it to fall in, so I held it up as I went under. My husband helped me, but the whole walk back to our area his sister and her boyfriend did nothing but laugh AT me. I was humiliated, not to mention hurt. My husband doesn't see that...in his eyes his sister can do no wrong, but I am sure her time will come.

I really do not know what if anything did happen that weekend. Maybe he had a taste of freedom that he enjoyed....who knows. You are right though about the more I push the more he'll see this as an easy way out. I have stopped even mentioning it at all. I wish he would get away from his meddling sister, but that is something that he needs to see for himself. I know that he is confused, I sense it, I see it. I know he is lonely I feel it in his voice.

Yesterday my son and I spent the day at my parents' house. My younger sister was coming home from her trip abroad and I was helping clean up. My husband actually called my cell and left a message. He said that he wanted to talk to our son. Mind you, our son is only 3 and he won't talk long on the phone, especially with his father who truly frustrates him. I had our son call him himself and he spoke to him daddy for about 2 minutes and then handed the phone to me. C and I spoke for about 10 minutes maybe a bit less. Talked about work, and stuff I had to do at home, and my sister coming home after 4 months. It was a pretty casual conversation like that I would have with a friend. He didn't tell me about the lawyer and I didn't ask either, I guess I didn't want to ruin the moment. Afterwards I told him that I was sure he was busy so I'd let him go. He said that he really wasn't busy so we talked a bit more and afterwards I stated that Iw as sure he had other things to do than to be talking with me. He replied with "nah, that's alright" I asked..."what's alright" a little confused, and he said "talking to you...it's alright". I did have to go, and I wanted to be the stronger one so I said goodbye. Later on our son was playing with the phone and he must of hit redial b/c he was talking on the phone for awhile. Sometimes he gets on the phone and pretends to talk to daddy. He yells at daddy and ....well, just goes off. His counselor said that that is good for him and not to discourage it. So I figured that that was what he was doing. I could hear him telling daddy "we all need to go out for ice cream, you , me and mommy." He would say stuff like that over and over. I eventually took the phone from him and realized that my husband was on the other line. My son had hit redial. I spoke briefly to C and then ended the call with..."have a great night."

Well, today was a little tougher than yesterday. I did have some distractions though and was thrilled to hear that a friend of mine had invited me on a small vacation. I realized that I really needed that considering that my vacation had been pretty much taken from me.....my husband went with his sister, her boyfriend and daughter. I went home to feed the dog, having spent the night at my parents. We had stayed up so late and tonight my son fell asleep at my parents so we decided to just stay....figured it would give us time to catch up with my sister. My husband called my cell phone close to midnight. He asked if our son was still awake and I said "no", it was close to midnight, he knew that our son wouldn't be awake, but instead of hanging up, which he very well could of done, he continued to talk. He sounded so sad, lonely. I asked him if he was alright several times and he said that he had been thinking tonight and that he missed his son. I told him that he missed his daddy. I also told him that the dog missed him too. I didn't tell him I did though. He sounded so down, I could tell it was one of those days for him...and that he probabl laid in his bed thinking even after I ended the call. We spoke for 10 minutes...I timed it. It was a pleasant call. I did ask him about the lawyer and he said that they were min the midst of playing phone tag. He said that the lawyer had left him a message stating that he hadn't heard ffrom me or my lawyer. I reminded my husband that he hadn't heard from him b/c I was waiting to hear if my husband would be going through with the seperation agreement. He said he would find out first. I pray he back out of it b/c if not it will be an ugly fight, and a unnecessay fight. Things will be bought to light that will affect him and his family and I don't want to do that. I didna't tell him that of course. He said he's let me know. I told him that I would let him go to sleep...he sounded tired and almost as if he'd been cring. I had to ask if he was sick. Maybe it was a good thing that he called. Maybe not. I don't know how to look at this anymore.

How do you give somebody "space" if they call you all the time. My husband knew that our son was asleep especially at midnight. Maybe my heart is just trying to fool me into thinking that he was calling me, and that he missed me. Is that too far fetched? I am still hopeful......I will never give up on my husband, or my marriage.

[NatoPMT]

Hi again – sorry things are still in limbo, there will be a conclusion to this, but I guess it has to be your husband who dictates the next step although you can, of course, gently guide him effectively by not pushing him.

 

‘but most of the time I feel drained and ...well hurt’

 

I am not surprised, you are going through one tough time, your conduct illustrates that you can behave with decorum DESPITE being hurt

 

‘His father abandoned him as a baby’

 

The irony – this is clearly very much affecting your son – so the cycle of abandonment continues…

 

I have no experience of children at all and really don’t feel I can comment on the effect this is having on him. Sounds like you are talking to your counsellor about it, which is all I could suggest.

 

From what you say about his relationship with his sister, that sounds like that will never change, she’s the only family member he has a strong bond with. At this stage, to show any resentment towards her would be marital suicide, take whatever she gives you on the chin, and don’t let her sideline smirks get the better of you. She sounds like a nasty piece of work – but be the better person here and let go of any resentment you have to her, it can only serve to do damage, C will pick up on it and then she has been successful. If she is causing damage, your husband is allowing her to do that so actually he’s letting her cause trouble. He’s vunerable at the moment which means shes possibly taking advantage of that so make sure you dont allow her to involve you in her manipulation more than you cant avoid.

 

‘Maybe he had a taste of freedom that he enjoyed....’

 

Sounds more to me like something has left a very nasty taste in his mouth. I think he’s genuinely in absolute turmoil here, there’s nothing enjoyable about this for him.

 

‘You are right though about the more I push the more he'll see this as an easy way out’

 

I actually think he sees this as the hard way out, he loves you but CAN’T be with you at the moment. He misses you and his son. He wants to be at home but he doesn’t know how he can be. He sees it as the ONLY way out. You have to show him the way back in. Which is by doing what you are doing until he decides he’s coming back, then you have to get to the bottom of why this has happened. He is struggling, calling you, missing you and your son, missing your home, there’s nothing fun about sleeping on someone’s sofa away from the warmth of home – he’s suffering just as much as you are. If its pushed, he wont see any other option but to close himself off as he will feel he has to protect everyone from this getting worse, and the more you push, the worse it gets. You of course have every right to know why this has happened, but i guess that should come later.

 

‘How do you give somebody "space" if they call you all the time.’

 

Its space as long as he’s calling you not the other way round. You ARE giving him space. Show him compassion for his situation and what’s he’s going through, I know you are hurting and he is too, as is your son, it’s a sad, horrible situation for you all, he cant believe he’s hurt you all and himself this way. You all deserve each other’s support as much as is possible, so ‘give’ if you can find it within yourself. If it doesn’t work out then you will know you did the right thing even if it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe its a good idea to ask him if its helping him when he calls you and get it clarified in his head that the only thing making him feel better is contact with you and your son?

 

‘Maybe my heart is just trying to fool me into thinking that he was calling me, and that he missed me. Is that too far fetched?’

 

I think it’s far fetched to think he wouldn’t be missing you. I can say most definately he is.

 

For now, I think you just need to concentrate on getting through the present time in one piece and supporting your son and talking to him, making sure he can understand as much as possible what’s happening. It sounds as though you are on automatum, make sure you give yourself an outlet through friends and family and LS

 

What does your counsellor say about how your husband is acting? Do you get any advice on how to deal with him and this situation?

[Ladyjane14]

I'm so sorry for your situation. And so much more complicated when dealing with the symptoms of early pregnancy. Hang in there though and remember to be good to yourself.

 

Is it possible that your husband is clinically depressed? If you don't know much about depression, you may need to educate yourself a little bit on the subject. People that are depressed may very well act out in ways that seem irrational based on not feeling happy. It's difficult for me to imagine someone leaving their wife and children with the only reason given is that he is just not happy.

 

There is something in between you, or someone in between you. Is it depression? Is it another woman? Another man? His sister? Whatever it is it is blocking his path back to you.

 

You never said why his sister went from being your friend to not liking you anymore after the marriage. What were her reasons? She has so much influence over him that those reasons are important to solving this mystery.

 

It is patently unfair for him to abandon you in this manner without giving you the truth. He OWES you at least that much. It doesn't matter if he felt prepared for marriage or whatever bogus excuse he wants to give. You ARE his wife. He made vows to you. If he's going to reneg on them, he owes you this at least.

 

If he will not come clean on his reasons for leaving the home, then call your lawyer and have your husband investigated by a private detective. You are not going to be able to let this go without knowing why it happened. It'll eat you up inside until you do. The man is dropping clues like breadcrumbs and driving you crazy with worrying it all into some semblence of sense. That's not good for your health just now.

 

Speaking of which, have your OB/GYN check you for STD's. It might be a little embarrassing to ask, but you need to know. And believe me your doctor has heard it all before and he/she will not be shocked.

 

I know it's tough, but you have two little lives depending on you. So take care of yourself for their sake.

[L.Carrie]

Well, this is the second time I type this. The first time my son erased it on me......let's just say I am not happy right now.

Today was a pretty regular day. My son woke up with his daddy in mind, and every 5 minutes asked if we could go see him. After showering and dressing I figured I'd give in and take him out to see his father. We drove out there at about 5pm (my husband gets out at 8pm). Upon arrival a co-worker told me that C had left early, actually he had left at 1pm because he said it was a slow day. Weird for my husband.....very odd, considering the fact that my husband many times put his job above his family........like I said very weird. I was going to call him but figured I'd be giving him too much importance, I'd let him find out that we'd gone out to see him from his co-worker. Although my son was upset we met my family at the local mall for dinner, and then afterwards we walked the mall for awhile. On the way home I checked my cellphone and realized that among many missed calls my husband had called. "Hi L, this is C, just calling becasue I wanted to talk to our son before he went to bed, give me a call if you like.....Bye". So on the way home our son called his daddy. He spoke to him briefly since he gets so frustrated with his daddy lately. I spoke to my husband and he sounded so......sick. I asked him if he was sick and he said that he wasn't, but I could tell his voice was betraying him. I decided to tell him that we had gone to see him today and that his son was pretty upset that he wasn't there. C said that it was so slow that he decided to leave at 1pm. He said he couldn't see sitting around until 8pm. (VERY WEIRD) I said ok and told him that we didn't know he had left early. He did say that it would of been "nice to see our son". I wished he would just say "I would of loved to have seen you today, I really miss you honey.", but none of that of course. I told him that I had to get going, but he asked me if he could talk to our son again. Again he spoke to him quickly. When he handed me the phone my husband mentioned to me that our son wouldn't talk to him very much. I reminded him that he just got frustrated with his father. He said "yeah", I asked him if he had spoken to his lawyer and he said that he hadn't spoken to him today. I just wanted to come out and say "well what did you do all day??!!", but again I kept my mouth closed to avoid confrontation. I told him that I had to get going, I had things to do and that I was sure he did as well. He sounded almost dissapointed to hear me say I couldn't talk. I said goodbye and hung up. I wish he missed me as much as I miss him. I wish he was actually as hurt as I am. I wish he was home...........I wish..........

[L.Carrie]

Confused...confused, and yet through it all I try to remain hopeful.

Last night I fell asleep at near 5 am praying that my husband would come home. I dreamed that he called to speak to our son and then he spoke to me. He ahd told me that he missed our son and I said that he missed him to and then cut it short to give him his space and I said good-bye. I continued to dream that a short while afterwards my husband called again. This time I was wondering what was wrong and I asked him. He said that he really missed his son, and I repeated to him that he missed his daddy. Then he said "that's it L," I ahd asked him what he was talking about and he said that he missed me, that he missed our family, he wanted to come home. I said..."ok, well, come home." He told me that he'd get his things and be here in 1/2 an hour. When he arrived here I was waiting on the front porch, we just hugged and hugged. I was so happy, becasue even though I knew we had things to work on he was home willing to try. Then I awoke, sad, lonely my heart ached...again. I went through the day and everytime I lloked at my hand I saw my husband's wedding band that I now wear on my thumb (it doesn't fit him, I wanted to buy him one for our anniversary)as a constant reminder of all that is happening.

My husband called tonight he sounded in good spirits, I could hear his sister talking in the background. He said that he would be picking up our son tomorrow after pre-school and taking him for a haircut. I said sure, considering that Fridays are the only days he makes time for his son who misses him terribly. I asked him what had happened with the lawyer, if he had spoken to him or not. I didn't want to push the subject but I really needed to know. He said that he and his lawyer had been playing phone tag all week. I told him him that he must know what he was going to do, and asked him again. He said that he would "probably" continue with the seperation agreement. I asked him why, if he was so confused why make a decision like that. It just showed me that he didn't care what I said, that or he figured it would get me to stop asking him. I just really needed to know though so I can get my own legal cousel. He said that right now he has no money and that that would help. Does he not realize that I am out of a job. He thinks that I will be able to pay the bills and whatnot. I can't even afford an attorney. I will not consent to the seperation agreement, he may not realize that but I won't. I will aslo fight the custody of our son, because I will not allow my husband to take him to his sister's house where she is an alcoholic. I just was hoping we could do this civily. I don't want to fight with him, I love him. I said ok, and told him to have a wonderful evening. Then I called him back and said to him that I needed to ask him a quick question and he said "ok, go ahead, I am just getting ready for the gym", I proceeded and asked "C, do you want a divorce?", he immediatly replied with "no, I don't". I asked him why not, if he wanted the legal seperation why not the divorce?" I really needed to know what he wanted to happen here. He said "I don't know hon, I don't know what I want. There's us, the house, 4 years, our son, and all our problems" I reminded him that "all our problems can be resolved, that shouldn't be a problem, we can work things out, what is it? Is it you?" I asked, he was silent a moment and then said "Yes, it's me. I don't know what I want right now, I know that I don't want a divorce, that's just not where I am right now." I said ok and told him to have a good workout. I am confused and I don't know what is wrong with my husband. Gee tonight I miss him. I really do.

[Devildog]

Just my opinions here, but from what you have told us his home life growing up was dysfunctional to say the least. He hasn't had any significant parental guidance with his father leaving him at 2 and his mother spenidng her time in the bottle. Most likely his sister is all he had growing up and vice versa. I would guess that the sister's animosity towards you, especially after your marriage comes from jealousy. She was the most important woman in his life, and you took that away. And she is doing everything she can to take that power back. He is most likely confused because she is telling him one thing even when his heart is telling him another.

 

The sister is the key to all of this. But you can't attack the sister. That will just feed into the problem. I would suggest if you want to get things back on track that you try to make amends with the sister. You will have to stomach some mean comments and probably shrug off a few personal attacks, but if you keep your cool, either the sister will start having a grudging respect for you, or your husband will see that his sister is not being fair to you. If that doesn't work, there really isn't much you can do to get his sister's claws out of him.

 

It has been awhile since you posted any updates. Has there been any changes in the situation?

[L.Carrie]

Well, I wish I could say that things have gotten eaasier but that would be a lie. I have posted under "legal advice".

 

I have started counseling by myself and learned that since my husband has always grown up by himself, he learned to deal with his problems by himself. Then along I come and we marry, have a baby, buy a house, cars, the motorcycle, inground pool, new job, bills, and bills, and he couldn't take it. He prefers to be in a solitary environment, he's only known that. That would explain the long nights at work, the gym and his fear of crowds. I have learned that I need to be patient, and that this is the beginning of a long process. He comes and goes, calls, and then there are days he doesn't. My birthday was Saturday and he called and called me all day, trying to get ahold of me. He even called my parents' home. My mother spoke to him for some time and told him how she's been worried about him and how we miss him. I spoke to him that night and told him that I was going out with my sister and some friends for my birthday. He told me to have fun and I hung up. I did also tell him that I thought he'd forgotten my b-day and he laughed and said that he could never forget it. Then he came over tuesday and was cold towards me, a wall was up. I asked him what was wrong and he wouldn't answer. He said that I made him feel uncomfortable, and that I tried to make him jealous (which I don't b/c he's not a jealous person, why would I waste my time, he was upset I had gone out for my b-day and not sat home and cried- he propsed on my birthday), he said that I use our son against him (again a lie, my son tells his daddy how he feels, and I can't stand to see my son hurting, I would never do that), he said that I tell him about our son's preschool therapist and that I tell him all these things to make him feel bad. I am so confused, didn't he want to know what was going on?? He may of been a bit upset that I had remodeled the living room and kitchen. We have this ugly pink carpet and my parents helped me pull it up after our dog was sick on it, and I refinished the hardwood floors and painted the walls and fixed it up very nicely. He came in and I asked him what was up and he wouldn't talk, I told him that I was happy he came by b/c we do miss him and he looked around and said "well, you seem to be doing fine without me", I reminded him that we missed him. We talked for a while and I asked him for forgiveness for whatever I may have done to contribute to his "unhappiness" I said I was sorry at least for my own sake and he told me that he was sorry for what he had done to me. I hugged him and we both cried.....he more than I since I was trying so hard to be strong. I asked him why not try to come home he said that things were different, things had changed, that he was bitter now. He wouldn't tell me why. It's either he has issues with me, or I didnt do anything wrong. He never gives me a straight answer. I asked him to come over the next day for dinner, he said no, becasue it wouldn't be right (it was our anniversary). I said ok, and dropped it. It was a scene as he left, our son was grabbing at him, crying asking him to stay-I had to pry him off, and my husband was crying and I couldn't handle it. He left.

 

He told me that he was still at his sister's so yesterday I played detective and found out that he had lied to me, he didn't sleep there last night, nor at the gym, work, at his ex g-friend's house, or his friends' house. Tonight I checked again, I took pictures for proof that he lied to me, that he told me today that he was sleeping at his sister's house and he's not there. Maybe that's what has changed....he's got another woman on the side. Who knows, I am now confused. Everyone keeps saying not to jump to conclusions until I have the proof that he's actually cheating, as of right now he's just not at his sister's house. The fact of the matter is that he lied and if you have nothing to hide why lie??