Does seperation mean "it's over"?? Lonliness takes over!

[Devildog]

I understand to some extent how your husband feels. Growing up, my family was emotionally cold. We didn't hug or say I love you very often. I respond the same way your husband does in those situations. I am withdrawn at parties and I fold up inside myself when emotional issues arise. It sounds like he came from nothing and has worked hard to make a good life for himself and his family. He is probably a very proud man. This is not an easy situation for him. He was probably upset when he saw the remodeling because he took it as a sign you didn't need him, and he is used to being a rock for other people to rely on. I think he is confused with his loyalties to his sister and to his family with you. As long as the tension is there between the two I can't say how things will turn out. But I still think if the sister is no longer a problem you have a better chance of getting your relationship straightened out one way or the other.

[sjs61]

If L. Carrie is still around can I ask what's the current update of your situation?

 

Are you still married?

 

I have a similiar situation as yours

 

Sandy

[L.Carrie]

Yes, I am still around.....I stopped posting for awhile b/c noone would reply...got discouraged I suppose. Things haven't gotten any better on my end, actually they seem worse.......

[cateinaus]

I dont' know why people aren't replying, I think they are letting you air it all.....but we are still here, looking for your posts (holding our breath) cos at some time this has to go one way or the other.

I still feel he may be being sneaky to you.......I really really hope not. Try to look after yourself regardless and start to get your future in order and that of the kids. How are you doing with the pregnancy.

Back right off if you can, focus on what you are doing about it all.....get some help/legal advice or whatever....don't put it off until HE decides what he is doing. I feel he will go through with it but it may be what it takes for him to wake up.

He still misses you thats for sure. Do you think he may have gotten involved too deep with someone else and feels he maybe can't pull himself out? What if they have threatened to tell you? I really don't know, these are just thoughts...but you could ask him about that and tell him that there is nothing that the two of you can't work on. I don't know if you could or couldn't but that way he may feel eventually that he can tell you if he has done/is doing something with someone else. Tell him anyway that he can tell you anything....and that if someone is holding something over him, that's it's all okay....that you will be okay about it. I mean if you let him think its OK to come clean and if someone else is holding it over him, it then ceases to be a threat....get what I mean. I don't know, maybe I have confused you more. And these are just ideas, not to say that this is probably what is really going on cos it's hard for any of us to say. What does you gut say. Reply back and let us know what is happening. But if you do tell him its OK to come clean, you have to remain calm so 1. he will believe you and 2. to keep the lines open for him to tell you more.

[L.Carrie]

Thankyou for replying.....I sort of figured that people stopped reading my posts. Seems like it is always the same thing. I too am holding my breath, I sometimes feel like I can't breathe. I never expected this....never saw it coming. I too have that weird feeling that he's cheating. I pray that he's not......I hope that he's not. Yesterday I went to see his aunt. My husband grew up very close to her. With his mother constantly intoxicated and his father gone, his aunt and uncle, who also have kids about the same age as my husband. became like a family to him. A getaway for him. She lives down the street from his sister's house which is the house where they grew up. When we married he sold his half to his sister. His aunt M said that she only had heard that he had left because he was having a tough time and was thinking he needed some time away. I was there for so long. M and her husband R talked to me and helped me understand some things. Again, I now understand my husband's way of being......his way of always being alone. That does come from his childhood. His dependence on his sister also of course is from his childhood. Being only 1 year apart they supported eachother through tough times. Yet there are things that always bothered me. I really don't have an issue with his sister, it's just the way that he presented her to me (she and I were best friends before I met her brother and married), whenever we fought my husband would call his sister. We always had to take a vacation with his sister. M&R both admitted that that was wrong. That he was still clinging to his sister, and he had to move on with his wife. He had to make time for his family, and not be working so hard. Invest time in his family because in the end it will pay off. They also said that my husband is acting very immaturely, and is insecure. That months earlier whe he had bought himself a brand new $10,000 motorcyle without even knowing how to ride one it was a sign of his insecurity. They were against the prchase of that bike. I too was against it and I didn't know that he had bought it until afterwards. We have so many bills and he spends $10,000 on a new bike, 200 on lessons, 175 on a helmet 200 on a jacket. I was upset, but eventually moved on. The weird thing is that my husband told me that eventhough everyone kept telling him not to buy it, to try to talk me into it first. He told me that when he went to see his sister she told him to buy it becasue he worked hard and deserves it, and that she had even gone with him to pick it out.. Well, M told me that that wasn't true, that when they went his sister had stayed with M, becasue she was upset that he was buying it and didn't want anything to do with it. She thought it was too much. Yet he told me the contrary. There were many things that he told me that were the opposite. Which his aunt and I found very odd. He always complained that I never got along with his sister and yet made things worse between us. I can't imagine what he's told her. No wonder she's so bitter. Hi family is also worried about him. His uncle thinks that my husband is heading down a slope, a hill and gravity will eventually come into play and he will hit the bottom. That maybe he is having an affair as much as they don't think he would, maybe he is. His family feels that he is being a fool, stepping from one relationship to another not realizing that he's making more problems, he's trying to get away from issues but creating new ones. Like R said, he may not be having an affair but him never being where he says he is just doesn't look right. They are going to try to talk to him, but feel that if there's a woman involved who knows if it will help. His family was of great comfort to me and helped me see things differently. They also want him back home. They haven't seen him since last Friday but will try to chat with him. They reminded me to go see them whenever I could. They also told me that his sister is staying neutral in all this b/c if we get back together-God willing, then she doesn't want to be the bad person who said the wrong thing. Yet, she's allowing him to sleep somewhere other than there. M&R reminded me to not let my husband know that I had been there, b/c he would be outraged. They are my allies in this. They kept telling me that they had hoped and prayed that he wouldn't end up being like his father.

 

Today my sister and I drove around again looking for his car, not once was it at his sister's, the gym, work, his aunts, or anywhere else he's usually be. I tried calling all weekend and he didn't answer. I left a message saying that I had to talk to him b/c it was an emergency and he didn't call back, then I left him one saying that I had driven to his sister's house b/c I needed to talk to him that it was very important and that his car wasn't there......to please call me. He didn't. I left another message saying that I had been calling a million times to no avail, that he doesn't know if it's an emergency with me or even his son. I didn't know where he was, but I had to talk to him. Nothing, not even a call. I found it very odd again b/c I can always get through to him, he always calls back...even after he left. The cell phone is off b/c it goes right to voicemail so who knows what's happening. Maybe he's hurt somewhere?! Who knows. I am going to see a lawyer tomorrow and find out if it's true that I can get my husband to pay for my lawyer.

 

I don't know how much involved with someone, maybe he is and she's manipulating him. With how confused he is I am sure she's got ahold of him somehow. MY husband is not one to spend days at a time with someone. Even when we were dating we still had our space. Not to mention that my husband has no money at all, statements show that we are -$500 in the bank. No woman is going to want that, and soon enough he'll see that she has her own issues especially if she starts demanding and controlling him. He HATES that. So I am praying and hoping that that will happen, and he makes his way home. I will again try talking to him. I will tell him that I am ready to hear him out. Maybe I can get his aunt and uncle to mediate for me. Maybe his aunt can snap him into place. My gut didn't think he was cheating until I couldn't find him. Now I am scared that he may be cheating.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sure that finding out in a definative way that he is cheating would be really difficult for you. But I think you have to know one way or the other. How can you solve a problem when you don't know exactly what it is?

 

You mentioned the bank statement. Did you get a detailed report of it or just the balance? Was there anything unusual? How about the detail report on his cell phone? My company doesn't mail it to me, but if I go on-line I am able to view it.

 

BTW, is he still helping you with the bills? How are you getting by?

 

You might consider posting on the infidelity board and try to illicit a little more opinion, particularly from people who had to find inventive ways to catch there SO cheating.

 

I personally wouldn't want this man anymore, but I understand that you still do, and I respect that. However, you can NEVER deal with this issue until you know the EXACT parameters of it.

 

It's a possibility of course that nothing is going on, and that he's just immature. But you've been in alot of pain over this, and even though he is often wishy-washy about it, his refusal to come home is steadfast. He must have some reason for this, but he's never given you a good one.

[L.Carrie]

Well, tonight is the night I guess. My sister's friend is going to help us out. He's going to follow my husband from work while my sister and I sit in the back with the camera and the video camera. I just have to know what is going on. I don't know how to check about his cell phone, and the bank statement wasn't detailed. He does at this point pay all the bills, although my cell phone was disconnected last week, and I pay the cable- we were going to disconnect it but I talked him into keeping it, that was months before he left. I do recieve unemployment which is a measly $200 a week.

I understand how you feel when you say that you personally wouldn't want him, I completely understand that he seems like such a monster. That if he loved me and his son that he wouldn't of ever done this, and continue it, especially today when I confronted him and he told me that he has not had an affair but he was interested in someone. That hurt, but I acted like I didn't care so that he knew that he could tell me anything, to open up. He just kept saying that he didn't think it was going to work out anymore. He says it over and over like he was trying to convince himself. I told him that someone pulled him away from his family, and that I was there trying my bestest to bring him home. I was going to do what I can, and I am going to bring him home. Then I left, thinking , hoping that something I had said had hit his heart, that maybe something had meant something to him. At this point...who knows. I step back and I see my husband slowly pulling away. My heart hurts to even type it. My last hope is that when his aunt and uncle speak to him they will make him see, finally open his eyes. Thankyou!

[Ladyjane14]

Sweetie, I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping for the best for you right now. I've read through everything that you have written and I worry that you will uncover some truths that you might not be ready for. Based on what you have written it sounds like he's doing something wrong. I hope not.

 

If that is indeed what you find out though, I'm hoping that you will put your children first, and take good care of YOURSELF. They need you. You need to make sure that you're sleeping right, and eating right, no matter what you may find out tonight.

 

At worst, he's moved on with someone else. At best, he's confused and immature. I'm hoping it's the latter. But either way, you're a mom, and you know what you're responsibilities are. Those little folks depend on you. When you're taking care of YOU, you're taking care of them.

 

Regarding the cell phone bills: Find an old statement. See if it has a web address printed on it anywhere. Then try registering your account. If he's already done that, then you won't have the current password. See if you can contact them and get them to send it to you via e-mail. Act like you've forgotten it. If he's already set up the registration, he might have left the password lying around somewhere, so look through wherever he might have left notes. If you're name is on the account, call them on the phone and request it. You don't have to tell them why you want it.

 

Post soon and say how you're doing.

[L.Carrie]

You were all right!!!! He's been cheating!!!! His cell phone statement shows it all....calling his ex dozens of times a day!!! Even today when I was there.....his game is over!!!!! With all the pain in the world I am ending it!!!! Question is.... now I have proof, if I take this to my lawyer can I leave him with nothing??!!

[cateinaus]

You poor darling, I feel for you, really I do. I was going to say I agree with ladyjane- as I had said before that I thought he may be cheating. What a bugga! Now all you have to do is hold onto the hurt/anger long enough to get it to motivate you into doing what you have to do. But whatever you do, take note of LJ's post and take care of you and your kids first.

You start calling the shots! You show you have the strength...even if you don't. I think he still loves you and wants you...but I don't know what's up with him playing it both sides. What I mean, is he has been crying to you and I'm sure he doesn't want to really leave but for some reason his ex is looking fine at the moment. Could it be that once settled into the marriage and the reality of paying accounts, working, maybe not going out alone with you, arguing, etc wasn't as appealing as a lifestyle with no responsibilities.

I feel this guy is looking for more of a mother figure though and from what you have said about you guys, I think that you have been providing him with that...it is my guess therefore that he will return. The question is....what to do then. But really I am jumping the gun and right now you have to get your tush to the lawyer, and if he has to pay...good luck. I'm not sure how the law works over there but it seems you have more than a leg to stand on. You go girl! I did send you a PM yesterday.......

Anyway, I'm really proud of you for being able to ask him and at least get him to admit that he was keen on someone else even though there is more to it, at least it was a start. Good on you for doing the extra miles to find out what is really going on. You are strong, I know you are. Keep posting, keep reading, we are all here for you. And when at times you don't feel like you have the strength, let us be that strength for you. Good luck! HUGS xx

[Hanan]

Hey L, it's me, J! I just wanted to let you and everybody else reading know what a strong person you are. Your son is lucky to have you as a mom. Please rely on your friends and family and unwaivering faith to help you through this. Praying for you!

[Ladyjane14]

So sorry hon.

 

I feel this guy is looking for more of a mother figure though and from what you have said about you guys, I think that you have been providing him with that

 

Cateinaus is probably correct about that. Your husband sounds like an emotional mess. But that's not YOUR problem. It's his. Don't make this about you. You may have made mistakes, but you're not the one who abandoned his family.

 

Calling on the phone, even a dozen times a day, is unlikely to be definable as 'adultery'. I think you might need a little more evidence. He'll go underground if he thinks you're on to him.

 

If your name is on any joint accounts, you can have copies prepared. Get the statements on the credit cards too. Again, you don't have to explain why you want them. Give your bank a call and arrange them from about the time he started acting differently toward you. You're looking for motel receipts, gas stations out of town, that sort of thing.

 

It's decision time on if you REALLY want him back or not. What you do next will set the tone for either divorce or reconcilliation. Think this through carefully.

 

If you want him back, you'll have to handle this delicately, particularly in the confrontation phase. If you don't, by all means, feel free to leave him eating Tuna Helper for the next 10 years.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by L.Carrie

You were all right!!!! He's been cheating!!!! His cell phone statement shows it all....calling his ex dozens of times a day!!! Even today when I was there.....his game is over!!!!! With all the pain in the world I am ending it!!!! Question is.... now I have proof, if I take this to my lawyer can I leave him with nothing??!!

 

That depends on the laws where you live. In some states you can. In others, you cannot.

 

Believe it or not, here in Wisconsin, adultery is NOT grounds for divorce. Someone in your situation must file under the "no-fault" provisions, & the marital property would be divided 50-50.

 

Definitely show what you have to your attorney. He will be able to advise you as to whether it's admissable, & what results you may expect.

[Ladyjane14]

You okay, hon?

[Devildog]

L. Carrie, sorry to hear that. I know any words are going to sound hollow and empty and won't help the pain. But you did everything you could to try to save your marriage. You did more than alot of people would do.

 

I can't say with any certainty that he has been cheating on you. It does sound like he is on a self destructive path though. It doesn't sound like anyone has seen him happy lately. Depending on how you feel about him at this point you might do him more good by making things final. Maybe once the marriage issues are out of the way you can try to be friends. Let him know that you are on his side as a friend and not in an attempt to get back together. Let him know you want the father of your children to be happy and safe. I think in a few months he will probably realize what an amazing woman he gave up. People have been known to get back together even after a divorce. But atleast at that point you will have some control over the situation. He needs help. He might be more likely to talk to a friend than his wife.

[sjs61]

I am glad you're okay.

 

I wouldn't be any help but I've gotten so much feedback from reading your posts.

 

I wonder now if my husband has been involved with other women since we got married 3 yrs ago even though I known him 13 yrs which during our dating and so call being his girlfriend that he slept with other girls especially one that lived in his apartment complex.

 

Well, the other day I told him I didn't want a divorce and he replied, "Well, don't."

I than I asked him if he knew I Love Him and he replied, "Yeah, and"? And, I said, "well, I wish you would come back home." he replied, "Don't go there." so now, I do not know if I want to wait anymore.

 

Why should I wait? Besides I'm involved with domestic volience but he still blames be for this separation. He claims he hits me to hurt my feelings. He claims I was the one who called the cops to have him leave when I didn't. It was him who called. Anyways, I just wanted his anger to leave not his body.

 

I feel he's being to immature. I feel your husband is immature like mine. They want there space but don't want the baggages and/or responsibilities. My husband wasn't working and long story but he lives with his mom. He's 42.

 

If you bring back your husband ask yourself, Is it worth it? The trust is gone. Who's to say you will be looking at the clock, out the window or calling his job to see if he's coming home or pulling another stunt.

 

Getting a divorce isn't the answer for now, let him squirm since he did it to you. I know this sounds mean but give him Revenge Love.

 

Seeing a counselor will make it worse. Maybe give him a choice if you still want him back but see if he's gamed or not and its not going to be easy for others to understnad but let him know your intentions and than give him a plan.

 

Tell him you want to move to a place thats miles away from his ex. Lets see his reaction. If you makes excuses than you know its over.

 

Like the old saying goes, Face the Truth, which is very difficult to do when it deals with children, your heart & soul and your dignity.

 

God Bless, and may the Lord protect your family and give you peace.

[NatoPMT]

LC – I am so sorry. Does he know you know? Until you know exactly what you can & cant do you should keep this close to your chest. Get all the legal facts before you use this information.

 

From the bills can you see how long its been going on? It sounds as though he cant stand to be alone from what you say about his upbringing, and that he needs people to want him, hence the comments about the remodelling. He wants people to be sympathetic to him and agree with him – eg the motorbike and the contrary stories about his sister. He also sounds as though hes creating the tension between you and his sister, engineering it.

 

You are absolutely right in saying ..

 

His family feels that he is being a fool, stepping from one relationship to another not realizing that he's making more problems, he's trying to get away from issues but creating new ones

 

That is exactly what he is doing, looking for someone else to solve his problems, too fearful of himself to be alone. I imagine he didn’t tell you about her because a) it means possibly being rejected by you, and it hurts him to feel you don’t need him – ridiculous as it sounds and b) because he knows what he is doing is morally wrong because he should still be working things out or getting over your marriage, and he knows he’s doing it to sticking plaster over his issues.

 

What do you want to happen next? Where do you want to go now you have some facts?

 

Look after yourself. BB