Male/Female close friends --> Always doomed?

[tigerlily94]

Hi, everyone. I’ve posted on here intermittently over the years and have gotten great advice when I’ve needed it (and hopefully given some thoughtful feedback to others, too) – so I find myself here again seeking some advice once more.

 

Without going into a long + perhaps slightly complicated backstory, the details are these:

Me: 27 year old female. Bright, cute, funny. Close friends with guy, 34 years old. Met almost 2 years ago, beginning of grad school together.

 

We didn’t hang out too much til about a year ago, and it became obvious to me that he was interested in dating. I was kind to him but generally rebuffed the slightly more romantic/datelike requests of his at the time. I was interested in someone else, and unfortunately this all came out one drunken night when he wanted me to kiss him and I didn’t. We had a rough patch but put it behind us and came out friends on the other side.

 

That was a year ago. We never really talked about it (or had to) once we’d dealt with it at the time, and have since gotten much closer – hanging out a lot, with friends as well as alone, and talking frequently. I’ve come to like him a whole lot more since then. We’ve both admitted to seeing each other as one another’s closest friend of the opposite sex. He has said I am the best female friend he’s ever had.

 

However, there have been some occasions where the friendship line has gotten a bit blurry, but nothing overtly sexual has ever happened between us. I have been tremendously cautious. I admit to being unsure of what I want with him, but I do know I really enjoy being close to him – emotionally, socially, and sometimes physically. More recently, he would invite me over to “cuddle” (and it stays at that – we share a bed, and hug, and touch, and kiss a little, but it stops there) or he would put his head in my lap while we watch TV, and I’d stroke his hair. The flirty banter between us has been more intense in recent months. That kind of stuff. Harmless, but in the context of a close friendship, definitely not something you likely do with folks you’re not at least a little bit attracted to.

 

We had a falling out around Valentine’s Day due to these mixed messages/uncertain boundaries and bringing up other people + dating. We both should have and could have been more communicative – or at least had the courage to actually address the atmosphere between us. He actually cried in front of me on two separate occasions during this time – one at the idea of not being in each other’s life at all; the other when he said he felt like he’d failed me as a close friend and that when he was with me he felt peaceful.

 

After some awkwardness + reaching an agreement that we wanted to make amends between us and still be very much in each other’s life (and neither one of us is currently dating anyone else), we’ve started to spend time with each other again only recently – and tentatively, trying to feel the situation out.

 

His rationale (according to him) for not addressing the growing tension between us sooner was admittedly rather pathetic, but I am equally guilty of the same thing: not wanting to change the dynamic or otherwise upset the friendship/status quo, even if its boundaries were vague and its path unclear or uncertain.

 

I’m wary of making these same mistakes again. I had been very cautious because I think that it’s difficult for men + women to ever be friends after a break-up; dating likely will lead to a break-up at some point. On the other hand, I’m realizing how difficult it is for men + women who have even mild attraction to each other to genuinely be close friends without it dissolving into something more physical or sexual. Our lives are intertwined so much that to disengage entirely would be really painful. Neither one of us is eager to have any more conversations about hypothetical situations right now and are just beginning to spend time together again. We’ve spent time together at a party as well as a day-long outing with other friends together (much of this time was around others with a little bit of alone time later) and these were positive, happy times.

 

So while time might tell a bit more, I admit I am doubtful that we can be “close friends the way we were” again – and not sure how to navigate the path forward from here. Insight into the more sensitive (or even insensitive) nature of guys (really) or simply any honest, objective input would be so helpful + appreciated. Thank you.

[JamaisVu]

Hi Tigerlily94, I am relatively new to this forum and only made my first post a few days ago because of a somewhat similar situation to you and looking for advice as well.

 

This issue of close friendship between opposite sexes has been on my mind a lot as well because of recent surprising events in my own life. It's seeming to me lately that waiting too long after meeting each other to start a sexual/physical relationship makes a great friendship but can cause serious confusion once that line is crossed even a little bit. I don't know what that time frame is but it's interesting to think about. I recently crossed the line with my close friend and colleague of 4 years and it's seriously sent shockwaves through my life. Do you think that often 1 friend is more curious in pursuing the possibility of crossing the line, and the other partner needs to be "shocked" into seeing their friend that way for perhaps the first time? In my case it was because we were always both in a relationship which made hooking up with each other off the table from the start. Would there have been any chance of the two of you getting together from the start and if not, why?

 

What happened during your falling out with him? Who said what and why did it take so long to recover from that?

 

What do you think you want vs. What do you think he wants?

[tigerlily94]

He's been on a few dates with other people in the meantime. He slept with one of his exes early on in our friendship (I didn't care about this at all as things were definitely platonic on my end at that time); he also hooked up with another woman who he used to see before we met (and kept this hidden from me) a couple months ago - which I feel more complicated about. I question how much he really likes me given that... But he cut things off with her very shortly thereafter.

 

I haven't done a whole lot of dating myself in the interim, but went on some dates with another guy earlier in the year - I didn't actively try to hide this however, but I guess I didn't really think of it as dating; nothing physical ever really took off, and we're friendly.

 

I suspect there is confusion on both sides, but I would agree that I'm the one who is probably more confused + wishywashy. Not ideal, I know.

 

In the last few months, he actually said "I love you" a few times (and insisted this was in the context of "as a friend" - i.e. "I love and respect you") and it always threw me for a loop. I do not believe his feelings for me are totally platonic - from some texts about a month ago:

 

"You are the closest female that I have known in (our city). I always liked you more, but have never been in that situation before with someone. I was unsure how else I felt. It seemed the more time I spent with you, the more fun I had. And all the good times had me wondering if I should explore more. So I would try to spend time, and I would wonder more. But I would also tell myself not to mess up our friendship and you always told me we weren't compatible which I tried to agree with. But our good times made me question that and ultimately win over."

 

I hadn't been sure myself but our friendship/relationship was growing with time and we had been spending a lot more time together. I felt tricked by him seeing someone else (even if only short-lived) behind my back and him hiding it or lying about it kind of proves the point that we aren't truly "just friends." He cried multiple times in the aftermath when the idea of him losing me in his life came up. He said he still wanted to be my friend and still wanted to be close.

 

I told him I couldn't cut him out of my life (that would be terrible) and that I couldn't see him as just a "regular friend" and I couldn't be that to him, either, because we weren't just regular friends before. We agreed to stop trying to talk things out so much after three weeks of cooling off/having space, and decided to hang out a bit again, thinking that putting some positive experiences together in the near future will help to put the negative other ones behind us. We spent time together this past weekend with other friends and had a genuinely fun time, and then had dinner together alone after.

 

It was a fun day and I had a nice time. He did too. I don't know what he ultimately wants and I don't know if he knows. I have a sneaking feeling that it will all come up again, though. I do care about him a whole lot, but I admit I've grown to like him more over time since he has always been so nice, funny, flirty, and somewhat doting on me. I'm afraid if we date + things don't work out, we'd be in a worse situation than now - and that maybe we are better off in the long run as platonic but good friends.

[tigerlily94]

JamaisVu - you asked, "Do you think that often 1 friend is more curious in pursuing the possibility of crossing the line, and the other partner needs to be "shocked" into seeing their friend that way for perhaps the first time?"

 

I kind of agree with this - I do think there is always one person who, at least initially, is more curious and may instigate or suggest things. In this case, it was him, and it initially happened over a year ago.

 

You said that, "In my case it was because we were always both in a relationship which made hooking up with each other off the table from the start." - this is logical + makes sense that you wouldn't have acted, but I'm curious as to what your *thoughts* were during that time...?

 

And, "Would there have been any chance of the two of you getting together from the start and if not, why?" We were both and have been single since we met (spring/summer 2011). I had a crush-from-afar on someone else for a while and didn't really see this guy as more than a friend for almost a year after we met, but always sincerely enjoyed his company. If anyone was distant or reluctant, I suppose it has always been me. :-/

[JamaisVu]

That's a lot of info to take in but I'm definitely left with the feeling that you would like to pursue this further with him. I'm starting to feel like there are certain relationship that need to run their natural course, and can't be prevented from doing so--for example, you may not be able to stay friends with him not because of anything that might "ruin" the friendship, but because of an inexplicable draw you both feel toward each other that can't be turned off. I don't want to be biased because of my current situation, but it seems that some of these male/female friendships are simply issues/relationships waiting to be explored in the future and you're not ready for them exactly when you meet that person. In my situation, I had always wondered for years whether something was going to happen between us, and when it did, it kind of felt inevitable, like this was something that was meant to happen, with all the positive and negative consequences. Looking into the far future is impossible, but if things did go sour between the two of you, perhaps that was the direction things were intended to go and you may learn something important about yourself in the process to take forward with you.

[tigerlily94]

I guess I do want to see it through to a more solid resolution, yes.

 

Do you have any advice or suggestions - either what to do or how to try thinking about it or examining it? What would you do in this situation?

 

Lastly, what do you think he feels or thinks?

[JamaisVu]

I find it interesting that you mentioned having a "solid resolution"--what exactly might that be? Would you for example agree together to always remain only friends--is that even possible now? Become "formal" lovers and enter into a formally defined relationship in which you call each other GF and BF? I don't tend to see things in terms of "resolutions", as if you can simply say the issue is closed and decided. Even in a marriage or serious relationship, are things ever really "resolved"? Things are always changing-- feelings, goals, life circumstances, etc...So in essence, I would try to see your situation with him as an evolving set of events that will likely continue to change over time, even if you did enter into a more formally agreed upon relationship.

 

I wouldn't necessarily try to resolve anything but rather explore things together and see where it ends up taking you two. Each event that happens is never the end in itself--think about it--even if you two hooked up and that ruined the friendship and you never saw him again, those experiences would leave you changed and would influence the way you looked at other guys who come along in the future.

 

You said the last time you saw him was when you had dinner together alone--what was that like? What kind of things did you talk about with him? If someone were to give this a relationship a nudge toward something more, who would be doing the nudging--you or him?

[imtooconfused]

I’m wary of making these same mistakes again. I had been very cautious because I think that it’s difficult for men + women to ever be friends after a break-up; dating likely will lead to a break-up at some point. On the other hand, I’m realizing how difficult it is for men + women who have even mild attraction to each other to genuinely be close friends without it dissolving into something more physical or sexual.

 

I am one who believes that men and women rarely can be just friends without attraction between one another getting in the way. The only way that I see it working is if the expectations and attraction between the two are absolutely balanced. It can happen but it's very rare.

 

I hadn't been sure myself but our friendship/relationship was growing with time and we had been spending a lot more time together. I felt tricked by him seeing someone else (even if only short-lived) behind my back and him hiding it or lying about it kind of proves the point that we aren't truly "just friends."

 

My read of your story points to the fact that you are more than "just friends" but have not yet crossed the boundary of being lovers. The touching, kissing and non-sexual bedroom games are much more than what one would find in anything but the most open friendship on the planet. There is no question the boundaries and limits are extremely confusing between you two. The jealousy of one friend and the guilt felt by the other friend over a side relationship is not a characteristic of a friendly relationship where the friends would care about the happiness for each other and more the characteristic of people who have invested a lot more into the relationship.

 

Your explanation of the situation seems to be intentionally vague over who has the stronger attraction for the other at the current time. My suspicion is that the male friend is still the one who is more attracted to the female but that is far from clear. Regardless, the most likely long-term outcome is for one person to continue to search for their "one" and the other to be hurt when that happens.

 

If you care about my opinion... for anything to work, you need to remove the wishy-washiness around boundaries. You two should have a very frank discussion about how each feels about the other, about other partners and about the long-term future, in every detail. This typically means the friend with the lower level of attraction spells out what the limits are and the friend with the higher level of attraction agreeing to the limits. Bending of the limits by either side should be banned.

 

I hope you find what you are both looking for, but like I said, I feel the most likely outcome is some measure of pain.

Edited March 20, 2013 by imtooconfused

[tigerlily94]

Thank you both for your thoughtful advice and input...

 

JamaisVu - I agree that life is fluid, in motion, things change, etc - it's a flow. But I suppose in terms of "resolution" I meant that I wanted more clarity + understanding - a more defined relationship or friendship.

 

imtooconfused - I have been mulling over your words for the last few days. I feel like you have almost frighteningly sized up this situation with real accuracy. Your observations are wise and I feel like your recommendations and advice and likely the most correct...

 

I was intentionally vague about who likes who more because I'm not really sure. Lately, with my emotions riding high, I feel like it's me. But for the longer run - the last year+ - it has certainly been him.

 

I don't think that this relationship can stay platonic, despite him saying it can. He first hit on me + told me he was interested over a year ago. We got through that (I wasn't into him at the time), and we grew closer, and I grew to like him more (slowly) over time. There have been a few sleepovers (about 5, 2-3 of which were more cuddly/physically close) since July of last year up until mid-February.

 

I feel like even if he "behaves" physically, that there are still feelings emotionally. And that other women or men wouldn't be too crazy about the closeness. But most importantly, I think we are confused about the closeness - and need to have another conversation (which I part dread and I feel he doesn't want to have to TALK about things again, but...so be it).

 

I am not sure if I should wait for him to contact me or if I should contact him, but I have decided that the next time we see each other in person, this is the essence of what I will say:

 

You and I cannot be close friends the way we were. It isn't going to work, because the same thing is going to happen again. We can either choose to be close by trying out a dating relationship, which means both the emotional and the physical boundaries between us can be open. If that works, great, if it doesn't, that outcome will be dealt with later, but we will go forward with closure on the question of dating. Or, we need to decide that we are going to close that door and bolt it shut, which means this close friendship cannot be close any longer. We can't talk or see each other frequently - especially not one-on-one. We can hang out in the company of friends, but other than that, we both need to move on.

 

This is incredibly scary to me. I'm really really nervous. But I also feel like it's absolutely necessary for peace of mind and for a healthy future, whatever it may entail.

 

I'd love to hear your thoughts on that - if there's anything that should be changed or I may have left out...

[tigerlily94]

Well...I ultimately decided that the tone + set-up of that previous speech seemed abrupt and likely to force a fast result in something pretty unfortunate in either case. So I modified it...

 

We ended up going to an old friend of his' place tonight for a small bbq/gathering for the old friend's wife (whose baby is due any day now) - another couple who we both knew was there as well. Altogether we had a really fun + pleasant time (and talked more with others than among ourselves, which was good). He drove me back home and I said that I felt good about how we were with each other at this point, but that this couldn't last because the same issues will come up again. He said he felt positive too, but that this wasn't a good point at which to make any kind of decision - he wanted to continue to see where things go between us. I agreed, and said I felt good about now, but that I had anxiety thinking about the not-too-far future.

 

Text interchange after (in essence):

 

Me: "Thanks for inviting me along! And thanks for hearing me out. I feel mostly good about where things are now. :-) I feel that in the slightly

longer run, we should decide where things are going...we seem to have

a recurring pattern! ;-) but if I've learnt anything from all this,

it's that we ought to get the courage by now to make a more concrete

decision about stuff."

 

Him: "Back home. I'm glad you let me know. Let's keep working at

sharing and being current with each other."

 

Me: "Don't worry. I really do like our dynamic! :-) But I realize it's

ultimately not sustainable as an ambiguous thing...do you agree with me on things though? I'm not keen on ultimatum of any sort. But I feel like it's not fair or realistic to you or me to just maintain that pattern."

 

Him: "No I agree. We can fall back. I think we can be something new

and different."

 

Me: "New and different?"

 

Him: "Close without struggles. :-)"

 

Me: "That is still vague :-) Though it sounds better. I'm not ready

to figure anything out now but just know that we can't be vague +

close forever. Not good for you or me! But things are good for now,

and I'm glad. :-)

 

Him: "Thanks. Let's just try to relax about us but be aware of feelings for now. Good night."

 

Me: "Okay. Deal."

 

------

 

I realize this is simply delaying the decision, though perhaps such a decision shouldn't be forced or made from this perspective right now.

 

I feel like he is still hesitant. And I feel increasingly ready to determine a path forward.

 

Can guys truly continue to be close and stay platonic with female friends they've been attracted to previously? I really don't think so anymore. I get the fear + hesitation to some extent, but in another way - what the heck! He has often been the one pursuing me/reaching out over most of the last year. I'm just kinda confused as to the reluctance to figure it out one way or another at this point...

[JamaisVu]

Maybe he is somewhat enjoying (or at least not overly concerned) with the lack of definite direction...he sounds like he is maybe a bit more like me after reading the comments he made about the "close without struggles" and the "something new and different" comment--don't push him toward making a firm decision or you're only going to push him away. He sounds like he doesn't want to put a label on your relationship which is fair enough, right?

 

Without knowing the tone of how he said these things or really knowing what he's like, it's hard to give you advice except to say that if he is the more vague and loosely defined one in the situation, he may need more time or may be feeling unsure about things with you.

 

I really would stop pressing him for a more concrete answer. Maybe you can try to actually be that "new and different" thing he's talking about and see where that leads. Or if you are unsatisfied with the current situation, try breaking off contact with him for a bit (without explaining why you're doing that) and see how he reacts to that.

 

Sounds to me like a new approach is needed from your perspective as your current one seems to be driving you nuts.

[tigerlily94]

I guess I'm impatient + frustrated. Not only because of how things have been recently, but because leading up to it there was a lot of vagueness + fuzziness...both sides responsible, because neither of us chose to define it or say, "wait, what are we doing here."

 

I feel strongly that given the past history + patterns, that some guts are needed to make some kind of decision as to how things move forward at some point. The emotional/personal closeness without exploring the physical/sexual side of things is...draining, and unclear.

 

Agree that he seems to want more time, and I get it. I don't want to force the issue right now, or ever. But I want it on his radar that I'm not willing to simply be "close" without some kind of honest indication of the feelings behind it... does that make sense?

[JamaisVu]

So what would be your ideal scenario? Would the two of you sit down together and have a formal discussion about your status? Or would you perhaps not need to "discuss" anything, but rather just have some drinks and "explore the possibilities" together?

 

Of course I understand the fact that not knowing is draining and unclear--so if it's draining you not to explore the sexual side of things, I think you need to figure out a way to explore that side. Do you need to talk about things first before exploring that? I know I wouldn't--I would just get together with that person and make a move if I was in that kind of situation.

 

Outside of this, I still think another good option would be to take a break from the situation--either A. just cut off contact for a while (without telling him why) to try to spark some kind of reaction from him or B. cut off contact (while explaining to him your reasons why) and letting him be the one to contact you next. I would probably do A. because it will exert more psychological pressure on him to show how he is feeling. This situation can clearly not stay in stasis for much longer--something's got to give.

 

In any case, your current approach is clearly not getting you where you want to be--you need to shake things up...

[tigerlily94]

Okay, well - I shook things up. (JamaisVu, you're right, this is driving me batty, and I wish I could go back in time a month or so to iron it out, but...)

 

This morning we had a text interchange where I said I was thinking about things and still felt vague/fuzzy, and that I wanted to know if we were keeping a relationship option open or not, and maybe we shouldn't be so close or in each other's lives much if not.

 

His response: We both saw bad sides of each other over the last month right now, and he's not harboring any romantic feelings currently and that it would take a lot to get them back. He really enjoys spending time with me and misses being silly with his friend.

 

I believe this. But I also believe his actions and our patterns over the past year, which have tended to include a slow simmering of sexual tension, a slight bubbling over, and then sweeping it all back under the rug, REPEAT.

 

I know this was a big fight. He lied. I was hurt. I lashed out. He was hurt.

 

The truth is, I don't feel ready to jump into a relationship with him right now, either. So I wrote back - and this is me being TOTALLY HONEST - cards all on the table...

 

"I appreciate you saying so. I don't have imminent romantic feelings but I want to get back to where we were before it was disturbed. I want to try being physically close again. I sincerely do. And I could let things rest if they don't work out that way, but I want us to try... Can we try this slowly for a little bit + give it a chance? It lingered for a long time and we have nothing to lose now. I miss you a lot and want to be close and maybe I'm confused but I think it would help us both sort it out and move forward either way."

 

He said, "I need to think about that for a bit if you don't mind," and I told him it was all right and I understood - that I want us both to feel good about where everything shakes out.

 

 

Eeek! I know physical touch is kind of his weakness...and I was serious about all of this. I don't know if he's just putting me off to delay the response or if he is actually thinking about it. (He finds me physically very pretty and has always enjoyed it when we cuddle/are physical in some way...he is a little heavier but I think he is cute too)

 

Agh. So ball's in his court now...

 

Would guys go for this? I really do want to figure it out. If there's no real chemistry, it's cool, I would feel SO much better writing off the relationshippy side of things and I bet we'd both move past it having ruled that out. If there IS, then, hey...maybe it'll click...?

[WordvAction]

This is not a sustainable friendship. That's pretty obvious. If you are going to stay in each other's lives it will be through a relationship or a long period off from each other.

The fact that this person hasn't accepted dating you yet is three things:

1. He's crazy and loves being a masochist by always wanting what he can't have.

2. He's enjoying you finally putting yourself out to him.

3. He has something on the side.

 

Just my POV. Could be way off, im pretty tired.

[tigerlily94]

Yeah. I think he's afraid now. And I feel #2 is most likely there.

 

I put it out there for him that we can try moving forward and explore being physically close or we can't be close or in each other's lives much at all. He can think about it but I am leaving him to ponder it and backing off entirely in the meantime.

 

(Why would he turn down an open physical offer though?? )

[JamaisVu]

You know I've found it interesting to compare your situation with my own as we seem to be in almost the exact opposite situation. In your case, you two have had a lot of communication about the issues between you and not much physical action. I'm in the complete opposite situation in which there's been a good bit of the physical side but little direct and honest communication.

 

Without reading this entire thread over again, remind me how far you two have gone on the physical side--do I recall it being restricted to just a little kissing and cuddling? And that happened a good while ago right? If that's the case, maybe he would prefer not "agreeing" to your suggestion verbally, but rather just showing you that he agrees by kissing you for example. Seriously, why don't you just try to go for it instead of having to talk about all this first. You say you want the physical side so just be physical! But now that you've sent that message saying you're open to this, you don't want him to sit around thinking you're waiting for him to make up his mind. Either this is something that is going to happen or it's not--if I were you I would just suggest going out together or maybe watching a movie together or whatever you guys like to do, get some booze involved in the situation (if you guys are into that) and just go for it.

 

He may very well at the moment want to take that next step with you but be unsure about how to proceed. He probably knows by now that you guys are not going to be able to get back to being platonic friends so my guess is that he will at least give the physical side a try.

 

Hopefully you didn't put yourself in an awkward situation by throwing all your cards on the table--it's usually better to keep a few hidden up your sleeve, you know?

 

But on some level I'm a little jealous that you two seem to be able to really talk about these issues because I'm not able to get the girl I'm involved with to open up about her behaviour or motivations at all. Wish she were somewhat more like you in the openness and honesty department, haha.

[tigerlily94]

Okay, so it's been about a week...I let our text interchange just hang in the air from then, til Easter, when he texted me out of the blue in what I think was a brave attempt at acting normal:

 

"Hey! Happy Easter! We (family) finished at church...what you got planned for the day? I have to work for a few hours. :("

 

I waited a couple hours and said simply, "Hi, happy Easter. I have some plans with friends a little later. Good luck with your work"

 

Two hours after that, from him: "Well I managed to work an hour before a nap overtook me. back at it now. Have fun. I hope you make it to downtown"

 

I let this sit...in the evening when I got back home I did respond but again kept it brief, kind enough, but closed: "sounds like you're working a lot lately! hope you have some time for rest and fun soon"

 

He then went on to tell me a bit about how a mutual (guy) friend was in town and stopped by and they had a nice visit before he was about to go to bed...we closed like this:

 

Him: "Ok, planning to get to the office early. Have a good day tomorrow. Night!"

 

I let it sit for about an hour, so that he probably fell asleep, and wrote back: "Ok, you too. But let's not contact each other so much. I told you how I felt about being close - so let's keep the space going. Thanks."

 

And no reply. Which is what I expected (and intended) - at least for now.

---------

 

JamaisVu, you are right - it hasn't gone beyond cuddling and a little bit of kissing and more touching (head rubs/back rubs/his hands on my legs and stomach etc).

 

I guess I reached a point where I felt like I'd had enough. We fought, we both saw bad sides of each other, but we patched up and since that last talk about 3-4 weeks ago, we have been good/friendly and had some nice times and never argued or anything like that. We hadn't been texting as frequently or with the past familiarly + ease, but I guess that's to be expected...

 

Basically, I put it out there (not ALL my cards, but more aggressive cards) and then I decided to withdraw. We only went for a week with No Contact initially...and in hindsight, I should've kept it longer. So this is me hitting the NC/reset button after: fight --> initial truce ---> short NC -->on+off fight via texts --> agree to repair --> positive times/hanging out --> pause to question: what are we really doing here?

 

I'm putting this out there, and I understand, and I want things to work out for the both of us. But I said I'm not willing to be close or we shouldn't really be in each other's lives if we're not going to explore more (as I do feel this will recur at some point anyway but I don't know when/how long and don't think I should just go along in the meantime).

 

I reiterated this at the end of the Easter text exchange. I had vowed to myself that I was not going to initiate contact again after I had put it all out there; he texted 6 days later on Easter. I wanted him to know I was serious and kind of set the tone that we won't be in close touch in the meantime.

 

I realized that I never gave him a chance to really miss having me in his life in any way shape or form. This was the one thing I knew that he didn't want and the one thing he cried multiple times about previously ("I just don't want to lose you!") I also feel that it is healthier to have a longer break, because I need + want more time to sort myself out, too.

 

So I decided that 30 days of NC was best and I am sticking to it. And we'll see what happens in the meantime or how things are/how we feel then.

 

JamaisVu, you'd think it would be easier...but all of these conversations happen somewhat apprehensively. I feel like if we could just make out or be physical it would break all kinds of tension...so I kinda envy YOUR situation. Hah!

[JamaisVu]

It sounds like you're handling things pretty well there TigerLily, though I know that under the surface of all those pleasantries you must be feeling some serious turmoil about you & him. You seem to be handling things pretty much the same as I would right now--the ball's in his court now right? He has to acknowledge what you communicated to him and react to that--he can't just ignore what you said or change the topic. Then he's not acknowledging that you have feelings involved in this that can't just be brushed off--is he normally good with emotional issues? It sounds like he may have some issues if he is swinging back and forth between avoiding the issue altogether and crying about it? Or maybe he feels really embarrassed about crying before and is trying to show that he can keep his cool? Either way I wish you good luck with this, even knowing that the situation could take any number of bad turns. Hope it doesn't and that you 2 can just get together and start making out at some point...

 

Believe me, you don't want my situation. She is on a 10 day trip abroad with her BF to go to his brother's wedding. And the messed up thing is I know that their relationship is on the verge of crumbling. How must she be feeling about having cheated with me twice? She could very well come back from the trip a complete mess and come seeking me out again. The problem is I wouldn't know if she was now seeking me out as a friend/confidante or as a lover. I am very unhappy that she won't acknowledge having feelings for me despite wanting to make out with me for hours, on more than 1 evening. Also to add to all of this, we both live abroad and either one of us could decide to leave the country/city altogether (on relatively short notice) to pursue better work opportunities elsewhere. In this case we would likely never see each other again.

[Silly24]

I have something similar going on. My dear friend I've known for years is now very interested in me. He says he's always been attracted and well we are both handsome people. I've never thought of having him more than a friend, but then I get to thinking that I haven't chosen the right men in the past and well maybe a friend turned lover turned committed relationship is the way to go.

 

I also truly believe that no matter what, at this point the friendship is doomed. We will either be a committed couple or not friends. It will never go back to the way it was.

 

So OP, if you really don't believe you can be intimate with this man and move to more than just a platonic relationship, tell him to move on. He deserves to find a lady who wants him the same as he wants her.