Affairs and my/your children

[wanting more]

I don't want to t/j and I also don't want to seem as coming off as a smartas* but a thread on the infedelity board has me wondering. Alot of people here say that an OW/OM WS had something broken in them in their childhood to be ok with being involved in an A. (I've said many times that I had a great childhood and disagree that this is a "must" for an OW/OM). So now my question, if you're an OW/OM WS whose childhood did involve infedelity and you believe that contributed into your getting involved in an A (and this would be for BSs whose WS had infedelity in their childhood) and you have children, do you believe your child will get involved in an A?? If infedelity is "passed on", does that mean you think your child is doomed from the time they find out that one of their parents cheated into themselves having an A? Would that mean that you should warn your children's future spouse that infedelity may be part of their future?

 

 

Having had an A and knowing that my children know, I don't think that's a guarantee that they will have an A. I certainly wasn't exposed to infedelity as a child but I had a 3 year A.

[eleanorrigby]

I think infidelity is one of those things that can have an affect but not everyone is going to come down with the sickness.

[Lillyfree]

my father had an affair that lasted a few years. it was very very messy, caused a lot of upheaval in our family and affected my brother and i in a very bad way.

she went full bunny boiler and threatened to harm my brother and i. almost hit my mother with her car (intentionally). it was a horrible time, and ended causing a complete disconnection from my father.

 

i was very much AGAINST affairs and have never cheated until - well, now a year ago.

 

i don't believe it was him having an affair that caused me to have one, should have been the opposite actually.

 

what i've done is on me, and me only.

[Decorative]

I don't want to t/j and I also don't want to seem as coming off as a smartas* but a thread on the infedelity board has me wondering. Alot of people here say that an OW/OM WS had something broken in them in their childhood to be ok with being involved in an A. (I've said many times that I had a great childhood and disagree that this is a "must" for an OW/OM). So now my question, if you're an OW/OM WS whose childhood did involve infedelity and you believe that contributed into your getting involved in an A (and this would be for BSs whose WS had infedelity in their childhood) and you have children, do you believe your child will get involved in an A?? If infedelity is "passed on", does that mean you think your child is doomed from the time they find out that one of their parents cheated into themselves having an A? Would that mean that you should warn your children's future spouse that infedelity may be part of their future?

 

 

Having had an A and knowing that my children know, I don't think that's a guarantee that they will have an A. I certainly wasn't exposed to infedelity as a child but I had a 3 year A.

 

No.

 

Just because you cheated, doesn't mean they will.

 

But there are patterns and ways of dealing with issues that get passed down.

 

And I think if there's infidelity in the mix- no one is telling you to go and warn a potential spouse of your child.

 

But as an adult who made bad choices- you owe it to your children to figure out why you did what you did, and break that pattern.

 

Because infidelity, like other addictive behaviors, isn't a singular event. It's because the person who chooses to cheat has some issues.

 

And we owe it to our kids to be the healthiest parents we can be.

 

For the record- my spouse's dad cheated briefly ( which my husband did not know about). his older sister was an OW, and then later a WW.

 

But it's actually his mother's behavior and coldness that probably was the root of my spouse's issues. And probably his sister's.

 

But families are interconnected. And when someone is making unhealthy decisions- they aren't the only one affected.

[wanting more]

I had my children in counseling for several years. They were older and we talk about their feelings regarding their father. I wish I could say for sure...I can't. I can only pray they don't cope with life the way he has..nor the way I have in the past. They deserve so much better.

 

We are in Counciling also. Family and IC. I hope and pray they dont get involved in an A.

 

I know like you, they deserve better.

[Decorative]

I had my children in counseling for several years. They were older and we talk about their feelings regarding their father. I wish I could say for sure...I can't. I can only pray they don't cope with life the way he has..nor the way I have in the past. They deserve so much better.

 

This is a much better way of saying what I was trying to say. LOL

[spice4life]

Hey listen, just because someone said that in these forums does not mean it's true. There could be 1,000 contributing factors to having an affair, it doesn't necessarily mean that just because you had one means your children will go down the same path. The reality is it could be anything. The best thing you can do is be honest with your children - since they already know - and talk to them about the lesson YOU learned from it. Then show them that mistakes can be over-come and lead to happiness. I will probably get blasted for this advice, but if they know already then it's your responsibility to lead them through and teach them that there are better ways to handle situations such as this. It's the lesson that's important.

[Pierre]

FOO and memes are extremely important with regards to cheating, EMRs, etc.

[wanting more]

my father had an affair that lasted a few years. it was very very messy, caused a lot of upheaval in our family and affected my brother and i in a very bad way.

she went full bunny boiler and threatened to harm my brother and i. almost hit my mother with her car (intentionally). it was a horrible time, and ended causing a complete disconnection from my father.

 

i was very much AGAINST affairs and have never cheated until - well, now a year ago.

 

i don't believe it was him having an affair that caused me to have one, should have been the opposite actually.

 

what i've done is on me, and me only.

 

I do agree with you. "what I've done is on me, and me only"

[wanting more]

FOO and memes are extremely important with regards to cheating, EMRs, etc.

 

FOO??? What Does that stand for?

[Quiet Storm]

I don't believe everyone that has an a has a messed up childhood.

 

But I believe that our parents are our models.

 

They are our first teachers....how to cope, whether problems are openly discussed or hidden, boundaries.

 

That doesn't mean their influence cannot be overcome or managed. I just thinks it takes a little more awareness & introspection than someone that already has the tools, which I believe can be provided by good parenting.

[wanting more]

There is a lot of ugly history in my family, well concerning my father the serial cheater. Yes it had a negative affect on me but I will also tell you this, the damage wasn't just done by my father's cheating. The cake eating and the back and forth that my mother allowed was just as bad and damaging. There are other factors also, physical abuse, alcoholism, sexual molestation. Anyway, despite all that, I have always known right from wrong and I can not blame it on my parents, it's all on me.

 

As for my children, I have 2 daughters, one special needs, completely dependent, the other grown and married and 2 babies of her own. For all intents and purposes, she seems to be very well adjusted and does not carry my demons from the past, although she herself comes from divorced parents, (me and her father). I talk with her, share with her, most of my bad choices and I don't believe she will make the same mistakes I have, but I can not accurately predict the future. I just hope and pray she doesn't because she sees the damage that it does. I hope infidelity never touches her in any way other than what it already has.

 

As others have mentioned children need to see the bad patterns broken and good examples set, even if you have made bad choices previously, they love you and will adjust and thrive from healthy examples going forward.

 

You are doing the right things wantingmore, they are getting therapy. Good for you! When I was a child, it was not discussed. Maybe that is the key because I had no outlet for the turmoil I felt as a child.

 

 

I've followed you since I started on LS and you were one of the people on here who helped me more than you'll ever really know. I look forward to your posts. I've read you're stories and I think you are an amazing woman. Most people could not survive all you have and you've come out with decency,compassion and a kind genuine heart. thank you

[wanting more]

Thank you wantingmore . That really touched my heart that you've found something worthwhile in some of my posts.

 

Ive found a lot from your posts

 

 

And one more thing I'd like you to tell me about is where can I find those shoes on your profile!!!!! ????

[Lillyfree]

I do agree with you. "what I've done is on me, and me only"

 

that's my attitude towards a lot of things - it gets frustrating how people tend to blame their poor choices purely on what happened TO them. sure, what we grow up with shapes us as people, but there comes a time when you just need to raise your hand and say 'yup, i stuffed up, no one's fault but mine'.

[Decorative]

that's my attitude towards a lot of things - it gets frustrating how people tend to blame their poor choices purely on what happened TO them. sure, what we grow up with shapes us as people, but there comes a time when you just need to raise your hand and say 'yup, i stuffed up, no one's fault but mine'.

 

Dude.

 

Totally your fault. Totally.

 

You made the choices you made.

 

But it doesn't mean there wasn't dysfunction along the way that led you to normalize the choice in your head. Led you. Not your parents. Nobody else. You.

 

Not for one second do I say that my spouse's family of origin caused his affair. he made that choice.

 

But? He learned screwed up ways of dealing with life being in that family, and made bad choices because of it.

 

I know it seems like a split hair- but it's not.

[Lillyfree]

Dude.

 

Totally your fault. Totally.

 

You made the choices you made.

 

But it doesn't mean there wasn't dysfunction along the way that led you to normalize the choice in your head. Led you. Not your parents. Nobody else. You.

 

Not for one second do I say that my spouse's family of origin caused his affair. he made that choice.

 

But? He learned screwed up ways of dealing with life being in that family, and made bad choices because of it.

 

I know it seems like a split hair- but it's not.

 

completely agree - i was aware and still am that there are things wrong with me. especially after the A, that is something that opened my eyes and made me think and talk about things that happened with my FOO and how it affected me.

 

i don't feel that any of it excuses my behaviour though. i will own everything that i've done

[Lillyfree]

It is like splitting a hair isn't it? I have often felt that some posters insinuate that I claim victim status. If I do, I want someone to slap me.

 

Sorry for the t/j, wanting more.

 

i don't know how anyone would think you claim victim status - i too have learnt so much from your posts, you seem to be someone that knows herself very well

[stevie_23]

It is like splitting a hair isn't it? I have often felt that some posters insinuate that I claim victim status. If I do, I want someone to slap me.

 

No need for any slaps here! lol.

 

If you saw yourself as a victim, I doubt you'd be here. You wouldn't even be remotely the same person as you are (which is wise, intelligent, brave, supportive, and so on and so on...)

[Decorative]

completely agree - i was aware and still am that there are things wrong with me. especially after the A, that is something that opened my eyes and made me think and talk about things that happened with my FOO and how it affected me.

 

i don't feel that any of it excuses my behaviour though. i will own everything that i've done

 

And that's awesome.

 

if it helps? I don't think it excuses it, either.

 

I think the choice now? Is what you choose to do going forward. No excuses needed.

[Decorative]

It is like splitting a hair isn't it? I have often felt that some posters insinuate that I claim victim status. If I do, I want someone to slap me.

 

Sorry for the t/j, wanting more.

 

Never ever ever think of you as claiming victim status.

 

You're a rockstar.

[Washingmachine1980]

My family and his family always told me or made me feel like trash. I started believing it and started acting like it. All I ever did was choose to have a career instead of being a stay at home mom. They made me feel like I was incapable of being a mother and accused me of being a cheater when all I ever did was take care of my kids and work. When I wasn't taking care of kids I was alone. I finally just cut those negative people out of my life. Wow, what a change that made. I became a happier, more confident person. I straightened myself out and my kids are much happier now. My SIL for some reason is trying to have a relationship with me now and there is no way I'm stepping in that. Have learned that I really have to stay away from greedy, mean demeaning people. They will definitely impact your life in such a horrible way.

[BetrayedH]

I haven't read all of the posts (but there are some really good ones in there). I also haven't read the other thread so I'm kinda going out on a limb myself here.

 

I think there is a tremendous amount of disparity in how things can unfold after an affair. In my reading (outside of here), it appears that the pychological community doesn't see a predictable pattern to how children react. In some cases, a parent may have an affair and the child then follows the model. In others, the child deeply rebels against it and vows to live differently. Does an affair have an effect? Yes. Which one is about a 50/50 split.

 

In yet other cases, as one poster mentioned above, her father had an affair (which made her vehemently opposed to affairs), and then she had one later in life anyway. I did find it to her credit that she took the blame upon herself. As an adult, we can look back and see how our family-of-origin issues helped shape our tendencies and coping mechanisms but we can't blame them for our decisions. I think the best thing you can do as a parent is to try to raise a child so that they can avoid the typical trip hazards: an excessive need for external validation, an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, and severe conflict-avoidance. If they are raised to be confident/independent, humble, and able to communicate, you will have done your job as a parent and they have to own what happens after that.

[LFH]

I think that it can go either way and that parents having an affair certainly doesn't guarantee that the kids will grow up to do the same. One thing to keep in mind is that all kids get screwed up some way or another. Parenting isn't an exact science and there are no instruction manuals. I think it has to help to be honest with them, learn from mistakes and not be afraid to say "I was wrong" if you were and not be afraid to discuss with them what you yourself learned from it.

[Got it]

I don't want to t/j and I also don't want to seem as coming off as a smartas* but a thread on the infedelity board has me wondering. Alot of people here say that an OW/OM WS had something broken in them in their childhood to be ok with being involved in an A. (I've said many times that I had a great childhood and disagree that this is a "must" for an OW/OM). So now my question, if you're an OW/OM WS whose childhood did involve infedelity and you believe that contributed into your getting involved in an A (and this would be for BSs whose WS had infedelity in their childhood) and you have children, do you believe your child will get involved in an A?? If infedelity is "passed on", does that mean you think your child is doomed from the time they find out that one of their parents cheated into themselves having an A? Would that mean that you should warn your children's future spouse that infedelity may be part of their future?

 

 

Having had an A and knowing that my children know, I don't think that's a guarantee that they will have an A. I certainly wasn't exposed to infedelity as a child but I had a 3 year A.

 

Apparently my mom had an affair when I was very young and I found out as an adult. I am very confident in the fact that the affair was really a drop in the bucket of a plethora of other issues that really impacted the marriage and the day to day existence from each parent. No I don't think it contributed to the affair, in fact while my father (who was the BS) knew about my affair and who I discussed a lot of it with, my mom did not and I had no real interest in telling her.

 

Do I think it would be past on? I really think the affair is a physical manifestation of other issues, coping mechanism, and communication skills that are more likely to be learned by offspring on in some manner which could potentially cause the same path for them. But, just as likely, a child will observe a parent's behavior, processes, etc. and choose to do the opposite.

 

So, short answer long, it depends.

[Got it]

From within the bubble, it is easy to fear the worst or hope for the best for one's children.

 

That is vague and general enough to pretty much apply to all states of mind. Are you a politician?