women with low self esteem ?

[JustCallMeMike]

Hello Love shack, I am a guy with an extremely high confidence level. I get a lot of attention from women where ever I go and I'm known by a lot of people for my accomplishments in life (please don't ask). I met a gorgeous/extremely smart lady about six months ago who had everything I have been looking for in a women. She was funny, giving, loving, and responsible! Also she is a PHD student at a major university with 4.0. (Very attractive) We started dating about three weeks after we met. Things were going very well for the first four months. She would teach me what she was learning in school, etc. We talked about her moving in with me until she finishes school which was only until the next year. We were both deeply in love with each other. I would give her flowers, small gifts. She would go out with me a lot and always hated it when other women would either flirt/stare at me (it's completely normal, I understand on her part) I would never flirt back and in respect of my relationship, I told every girl who was my friend or not that I have a girlfriend and that I am in love. I am very loyal and a serious person when it comes to my relationships. She tells me that she has low self esteem. I said it's ok, we will take this one day at a time at your speed. she hugged me, kissed me, and told me she loved me. So now it's around november and she travels a lot with friends and family, but I didn't know she traveled so much. She has very rich parents and they pretty much give her anything she wants, and I mean anything (that's another story). Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I ask her to meet my family and join us, she said ok I would love to, but I travel the most between november and december, but I'll make sure I show up and have thanksgiving with you. Thanksgiving day comes up and I haven't heard from her all day and I got worried. I called, texted, nothing. She pretty much dipped out on me to go travel with her friends without even telling me anything. I finally get ahold of her weeks later, yes weeks later, and ask her why she left me alone on a special day and that I love you. She got offended and bluntly said "oh, like you love me" "There are so many other girls who would kill to be with you" "you are too good for me" blah, blah, blah. Her attitude changed from being sweet and gentle to defensive and hateful. I'm thinking that an ex girlfriend told her something about my previous life (I used to be a big time ladies man, about 5 years ago) or something along those lines. She keeps accusing me of having a lot of women, which I don't anymore. Then again she will not sit down with me to just simply talk about it, resolve whatever problems she thinks is between us, and move on. After about a month I find out she's been talking to this looser type of guy 27 years old, who works at a burger joint part time, lives with his mom, does drugs, and is just so pathetic with no future at all. Why would she choose to be with a guy like that, and why would she not just want to talk about it, get past whatever she is mad at me about and move on??? I honestly think that being single "Is" the better option...

[Roadkill007]

hey mike, I don't know what to say about your specific situation, but I think I can address the general issue : self-esteem issues.

 

First of all, chances are that she's talking to the "loser guy" because seeing someone lower than how she feels about herself makes herself feel better in turn. Just because you consider her funny, giving, loving, responsible, and very attractive doesn't mean that she necessarily feels that way about herself. It's kind of how anorexics think they're fat... You can argue objectively as much as you want, they FEEL they are fat. Perhaps even the reason why you see her as being funny, giving, etc. etc. is because she's constantly trying to be better than how she sees herself. Just because you can see the results doesn't mean she feels them.

 

So let's say six months ago she meets you and falls in love. Everything is going fine, but she's starting to notice how perfect you are. How there's no way she's as desirable as you are, and how it seems impossible that someone like YOU fell for someone like HER. Then she notices the one possible flaw you may have had, and thinks, "oh, no wonder it seemed too good. There's no way he feels the same as I do about him... I'm probably just one of those girls." But things just keep going so well, and you keep treating her so much better than she feels she deserves. It's around that time of year she goes traveling. She's hoping you'd want to come with her, but she's too self-conscious to ask. She tells you of her plans, hoping you will ask her. Of course if you ask her, then she'll know that you really do want her, since you've shown that you'd be willing to make yourself look silly simply to show that you want to be with her. So when you make no such indication, her earlier fears of not being as attractive as you and that she may want you more than you want her comes up, festering alone in her head, destroying any chance to communicate otherwise before the damage is done. Fast forward, she welcomes a change of scenery when she meets this complete loser who makes her feel better by comparison and who would probably want her more than she feels you do. Of course she's not really attracted to him, but somehow his even lower self-esteem and loserness makes her feel more secure.

 

Of course all of this is simply hypothetical, but you can see how easily things can be distorted by self-esteem issues. As amazing as you find her, if she doesn't feel that about herself or isn't convinced by you communicating it to her, then it doesn't help. You really need to have a nice long talk with her, and communicate your want of her, what you love of her, and perhaps also talk to her about things that will kill that "perfect" image she probably has of you. Maybe an irrational fear you have, a shameful thing you did as a kid, etc. etc. Somehow, she's not feeling the intimate portion of your love, so you must communicate it so it will make it past her low self-esteem defenses, and make her feel just how much you do love her. Anyways, good luck. If you get back on good terms, maybe you can talk to her and maybe her parents about the self-esteem issues, and get her going to a psychologist.

[bac]

"I am a guy with an extremely high confidence level. I get a lot of attention from women where ever I go and I'm known by a lot of people for my accomplishments in life (please don't ask). "

 

What you have said about yourself is a turn off. It is fine to be confident at some normal degree. Most of extreems( either too low or too high) are equally bad. No one wants to have a BF who is either a doormat or a Narcissistic personality disorder.

[hppr]

I know what you mean, I remember this really good looking, intelligent single mom I dated awhile back who was a nursing student. Everything on the up and up, liked all the things I did, then started accusing me of all sorts of things and before I knew it she was doing drugs with her no-account ex husband.

 

You can try to figure out what you did wrong, what's the matter with her, whatever...bottom line is that you just didn't know her like you thought you did.

[todreaminblue]

hey mike,

i hav eself esteem issues so i have been told, i have been told by exes partners i deserve much more than i get...yep i get told that by my exes mothers...i was actually told by one boyfriends mother while i was dating him you are way too good for him you area gorgeous girl please dont date my son he will bring you down.......i assumed they had issues...not me.....they were the one with issues......because if they knew my past they would probably spit on me.......there's nothing you can do or say to fix someoen who has self esteem issues they dotn need carers ......, you can love them and try to get them to seek help...an above poster is psychic so i dont really need to say anymore you have perfect and eloquent advice given above...........best wishes....deb

[TaraMaiden]

Hello Love shack, I am a guy with an extremely high confidence level. I get a lot of attention from women where ever I go and I'm known by a lot of people for my accomplishments in life (please don't ask).

 

You know what?

That opener is such a turn-off, i wouldn't WANT to know.

 

Frankly, TbH, I may not even believe you.....

 

There is such a thing as Over-Confidence you know..

Be careful: The bigger they are......

[Caryopteris]

I think it's interesting that women claim not to like confident and capable guys, but those guys always have women swooning for them. My BF is like that, and women throw themselves at him and are furious when I show up and sit with him.

 

The girl who seemed right for you has something going on in her head that you can't see. You can't fix her. She is not who you thought she was. It could have been worse; you could have married her and had the craziness come out afterward.

 

Just say okay and move on. Somebody who can handle it will come along.