Eventually I became the abuser

[rizzla]

It is painful even to start typing, so I'll try to make the rollercoaster as short as I can.

 

I married my wife 5 years ago. She was 21 and I was 40. We met online. She was extraordinarily mature for her age, even though I noticed she'd lie more often than not, usually about small things.

 

We lived together for over 2 years before the marriage. One month after the marriage I found out that she was planning on travelling to another town to meet with a guy that romanced her online. I confronted her and she desisted.

 

From that moment on, I had some resentment and distrust. I became a bit colder. We were moving from one country to the next, so our friends were scattered around. Two years passed.

 

Ten days after moving out to Belgium, I found out that she was having a 6 month relationship with another internet guy. This time they met and had sex several times. I had my suspicions before, but she denied everything until the bitter end. I left the country the very next morning and went to my parents. I was very depressed, so had to go to the doctor for some antidepressants. She kept sending me emails and texting me, saying she was sorry, the biggest mistake of her life, that she became infatuated, whatnot. She seemed absolutely sincere.

 

I decided to give her another chance. I went back to Belgium and, after some healing, we moved down to Spain. I was becoming colder, harsher and, may I say it, a bit paranoid now. I told her that rebuilding trust takes time. She agreed with that and with keeping NC with the other guy.

 

Three months after, I arranged a new life for us, new business, everything was fine, but I was checking on her. One night, I found out that she was arranging dinner with yet another guy. I confronted her and she tried to lie to me. Then, I exploded. I had some wine for dinner and was so angry, so I slapped her four times. I broke her lip.

 

She left and I felt so guilty. I was crying for over two weeks. I became a monster and I was terrified about what I did. She told me she wouldn't press charges against me. I promised to go to therapy and asked her why she tried to do it again. She just answered "I don't know". She moved back with me after 6 weeks, even though at that stage we both knew that the relationship was toxic, we struggled to make the situation work.

 

Or so I thought. The next (and final) two months were terrible. I suddenly became the villain and it was a heavy burden. In the meantime, she managed to move the business on her name, close bank accounts etc, and became verbally abusive. She was looking for a confrontation that I always avoided. One sunday, out of nowhere, she asked for divorce and I agreed. I was exhausted and feeling terrible inside.

 

Two days later, I come home and she's gone. She packed everything and took even some furniture with her. Two days after that, I found that she closed all joint bank accounts and kept the money. Two days after that, I'm removed from her FB and she states that she has been in a relationship with another guy for over two years. It was the same guy I found about when in Belgium. They are posting pictures as if I never existed. This was barely six days after she left. Also her family knew. It was all planned out for months.

 

I have this total mix of emotions, where I think I deserved it, that I became a monster, that I've been played, that I'm the victim, that it was so toxic and I was unaware. It's been six weeks now and of course NC, I'm just waiting for the divorce papers. I lost my business and I have no money now. And, unbelievably, I really loved that girl. I just lost my senses.

 

I will appreciate support, bashing, feedback from the LS community. I think I really need to understand what happened to me to the point of becoming the abuser.

Edited March 19, 2013 by rizzla

[Silveron]

We are not here to bash you, she emotionally abused you. She is going to do the same thing to this 'new' guy, he just doesn't know it yet. You need to contact a lawyer and get this financial mess settled. You also need to start working on yourself.

 

This woman sounds like she has a lot of mental issues and her immaturity really shows. She will only start contacting you when things go bad with this other guy. Don't answer any calls or text and it's time to stop being the victim in this!

[rizzla]

Thanks a lot, Silveron. I just meant that I'm ready for any criticism. The money issue is tricky, since she's mexican and the money was paid in her home country. I'm afraid I'm helpless, but I'll try to contact a lawyer.

 

She obviously has serious issues. She built a lie after the next for years, and I'm not only talking about infidelity issues. Her friends barely know her through the lies she has been building around her. The ones who noticed were left behind.

 

But that doesn't excuse my reaction. I feel remorseful and part of me feels like I bended and cracked under a stressful event in the worst possible way. I hate myself for that.

 

As far as I know, she left me for a guy in his fifties, married with an abusive wife and with leucemia. He seemed to be a nice guy, so I guess the abuse could continue, but who knows. Maybe she found her perfect match. It's beyond me now.

[AlexDP]

Thanks a lot, Silveron. I just meant that I'm ready for any criticism. The money issue is tricky, since she's mexican and the money was paid in her home country. I'm afraid I'm helpless, but I'll try to contact a lawyer.

 

She obviously has serious issues. She built a lie after the next for years, and I'm not only talking about infidelity issues. Her friends barely know her through the lies she has been building around her. The ones who noticed were left behind.

 

But that doesn't excuse my reaction. I feel remorseful and part of me feels like I bended and cracked under a stressful event in the worst possible way. I hate myself for that.

 

As far as I know, she left me for a guy in his fifties, married with an abusive wife and with leucemia. He seemed to be a nice guy, so I guess the abuse could continue, but who knows. Maybe she found her perfect match. It's beyond me now.

 

You have issues, but not the ones you think you have. You made excuses for her when you shouldn't have.

 

Though you should try to recuperate as much of the money as possible, I'm afraid it's pretty much gone.

[rizzla]

You have issues, but not the ones you think you have. You made excuses for her when you shouldn't have.

 

Though you should try to recuperate as much of the money as possible, I'm afraid it's pretty much gone.

 

Hi alexDP. Yes I'm afraid I have my own issues as well. I feel guilty and I'm broke, though I know she played me. It's just that my abusive reaction and the way I felt after that has blinded me from anything else that happened. That's why I wanted to share and get as much feedback as possible.

[todreaminblue]

when you are devastated you can make horrible decisions, you copped a fair bit of abuse ...betrayal of trust is abuse.......i think it is actually the worst thing more so than copping a few kicks or punches....betrayal of trust to me is huge, i can be beaten physically over and over..... but trust...different case.......it feeds my paranoia when someone breaks my trust......anyway what you did was wrong no one person deserves to strike another......no matter what they do ...unless it becomes self defense life or death or rape........it isnt right...i do understand it was a heat of the moment thing involving straight flat out deceit.......she showed no thought or compassion for your feelings, with what she did and continued to do to you...you need to have no more thoughts about her, she was wrong for you, and if you are a calm and compassionate and forgiving guy like i think you are, you realize you were pushed to your limit of endurance..what you did was understandable but not right.you should have left......

 

 

she isnt and will never be right for you....or anyone for that matter...she has issues probably deep psychological ones that make it impossible for her to have empathy and thoughts for anothers possible pain....she has no real idea of consequences and she will face them trust me on that....teh hard way........i wish you happiness in life and love....

 

 

what you did was what any man would do pushed to personal extremities.......you folded and gave way to base instinct.........

 

 

you need to be with someone who loves you.......like you love them ...you need somone who is honest and forthright....and faithful........seek out those qualities in your next partner....which when you heal ,you will desire to have someone in your life, you now know what you cant abide what you cannot handle...thats a positive ...you have learned and you are a good person who made a mistake........go no contact with this woman do not reply or keep up contact when she DOES contact you again......deb

[rizzla]

when you are devastated you can make horrible decisions, you copped a fair bit of abuse ...betrayal of trust is abuse.......i think it is actually the worst thing more so than copping a few kicks or punches....betrayal of trust to me is huge, i can be beaten physically over and over..... but trust...different case.......it feeds my paranoia when someone breaks my trust......anyway what you did was wrong no one person deserves to strike another......no matter what they do ...unless it becomes self defense life or death or rape........it isnt right...i do understand it was a heat of the moment thing involving straight flat out deceit.......she showed no thought or compassion for your feelings, with what she did and continued to do to you...you need to have no more thoughts about her, she was wrong for you, and if you are a calm and compassionate and forgiving guy like i think you are, you realize you were pushed to your limit of endurance..what you did was understandable but not right.you should have left......

 

 

she isnt and will never be right for you....or anyone for that matter...she has issues probably deep psychological ones that make it impossible for her to have empathy and thoughts for anothers possible pain....she has no real idea of consequences and she will face them trust me on that....teh hard way........i wish you happiness in life and love....

 

 

what you did was what any man would do pushed to personal extremities.......you folded and gave way to base instinct.........

 

 

you need to be with someone who loves you.......like you love them ...you need somone who is honest and forthright....and faithful........seek out those qualities in your next partner....which when you heal ,you will desire to have someone in your life, you now know what you cant abide what you cannot handle...thats a positive ...you have learned and you are a good person who made a mistake........go no contact with this woman do not reply or keep up contact when she DOES contact you again......deb

 

 

Thanks so much for your kind words, all of you. When I came to LoveShack and posted under the "abuse" thread, I was ready to deserve a really harsh reaction to my actions. But instead I'm getting analytical and emotional people trying to help me understand. I couldn't be more grateful for that.

 

I will never know if all this crazyness was designed to break me, but it did, and that's all that matters to me. I failed. I remember telling her that this very act of violence would chase me for the rest of my life, and that's true. Everyone has to face their own demons, and this is mine: that I could become a physically abusive partner. I was supossed to be the mature person in the relationship. Instead, I became the nasty, violent man.

[rizzla]

Just one quick note that is driving me crazy: she has moved with the guy one block away from my flat! She made him move from another town just to live just around the corner. This is just too much. I don't know what she's trying to do and is not going to help me recover...

[rizzla]

It's been three weeks after my last post so I thought an update could be useful.

 

I got a lawyer and filed for divorce. We had to do some LC in order to move things forward. She agreed on everything and was completely cold in her replies, with some comment about "still having some bad days" and asking me how I was doing. I kept every email short and professional. I hope to be out of this mess asap. I still have some really sad days though I'm not depressed. Adjusting to loneliness is the hardest part. A part of me still misses her and all the exciting times we had together.

 

I'm 46 now and I know that I'll have a hard time finding another woman. I feel distrustful in general and my self steem took a serious blow. I'm trying to engage in activities (travelling, buying a new bike, etc) but don't have many friends around. Besides, I'm broke! One day I wake up thinking it was all my fault, that I blew up, the next I realize that she was doing it on my back for long before I lost my temper. I sincerely think she made me go crazy until I couldn't take it any longer. I did the unthinkable and it's all inner misery now because of it.

[rizzla]

I'm not trying to be mean, but what kept going through my head as I read your post is:

What did you expect from a 21 year old girl? Were you ready for total dedication at that age? Because most folks aren't and that's why most don't marry until AFTER their career and education has been completed and they have lived enough life to know themselves and what they want. The few marriages which occur before age 25 are oft wrought with infidelity and divorce within seven years of commitment.

 

I'm sure you knew despite her "maturity" that she was still of a very questionable age, otherwise WHY remark how you find it advanced for "her age"?

 

I'm your age, so lets be REALLY honest here: why do people with such big gaps normally get together? Because the older one is normally looking for beauty, youth and vitality (that's what they are attracted to, they are in a sense "using" their partner for access to those qualities) and in turn the young like the stability (financially and emotionally) from the elder partner (hence using those qualities as well).

 

Well there's a payment for that. The payment is: when you deal with someone who is so young you get the drama, intrigues and confusion of the young along with that beauty. The young get the high expectations and rules of the older the partner that they are not quite yet capable of embracing.

 

You and I know that smacking your partner for cheating is a possible reaction when you toy with someone's emotions so hard. But in her world (where she is already grasping for straws to blame you) it is a huge deal. In your world loyalty is not that hard and shocking when it happens. In her world infidelity is a more natural "sow your oats" stage. Sheesh, the Brain's rational centers aren't even fully developed until 25. That's WHY the young make do many poor Choices and pay higher insurance rates, etc.

 

I don't think you are a terrible guy for smacking someone who sh*t all over your life. But I DO think you were being an idiot when you thought a 21 year old could be a good responsible loyal wife... I think you made excuses for her age because you were smitten, and if "love" is your goal try picking a partner with a brain capable of giving that to you.

 

You are not mean, you made some pretty valid points here. I understood what came with the "package" and, of course, we were getting some benefit out of the relationship... as any couple do one way or another.

 

This is not my first breakup, but even when they were painful, they were never cloaked in so many lies and hidden games with devastating emotional consequences. Also, her immaturity did only show in the romantic side with the OP, but she was quite cold getting all the money, assets etc before disclosing the affair to the world.

 

I believe the only thing that is keeping away from depression is exactly what you are remarking here: that I undestand the age difference and the potential consequences. Not that it makes me less sad now that it's over. I still wish her good luck.

[Radu]

Is she mexican as in from Mexico or from Spain/Portugal ?

 

If the latter, my advise is to avoid women from the Mediteranean area.

There is a trend there, that can certainly enhance any lingering psychological issues.

 

About the money, is there any way for it to be returned, did you talk to the lawyer about this ?

 

I imagine that you and her had a business [i am kinda curious what that was] and that she kept the paperwork.

 

PS: In the future, never let that much power in her hands, like you did [the paperwork].

Especially with Spanish younger women ... you know how the unemployment rates are over there for young ppl. That creates desperation.

[rizzla]

I'm not trying to be mean, but what kept going through my head as I read your post is:

What did you expect from a 21 year old girl? Were you ready for total dedication at that age? Because most folks aren't and that's why most don't marry until AFTER their career and education has been completed and they have lived enough life to know themselves and what they want. The few marriages which occur before age 25 are oft wrought with infidelity and divorce within seven years of commitment.

 

I'm sure you knew despite her "maturity" that she was still of a very questionable age, otherwise WHY remark how you find it advanced for "her age"?

 

I'm your age, so lets be REALLY honest here: why do people with such big gaps normally get together? Because the older one is normally looking for beauty, youth and vitality (that's what they are attracted to, they are in a sense "using" their partner for access to those qualities) and in turn the young like the stability (financially and emotionally) from the elder partner (hence using those qualities as well).

 

Well there's a payment for that. The payment is: when you deal with someone who is so young you get the drama, intrigues and confusion of the young along with that beauty. The young get the high expectations and rules of the older the partner that they are not quite yet capable of embracing.

 

You and I know that smacking your partner for cheating is a possible reaction when you toy with someone's emotions so hard. But in her world (where she is already grasping for straws to blame you) it is a huge deal. In your world loyalty is not that hard and shocking when it happens. In her world infidelity is a more natural "sow your oats" stage. Sheesh, the Brain's rational centers aren't even fully developed until 25. That's WHY the young make do many poor Choices and pay higher insurance rates, etc.

 

I don't think you are a terrible guy for smacking someone who sh*t all over your life. But I DO think you were being an idiot when you thought a 21 year old could be a good responsible loyal wife... I think you made excuses for her age because you were smitten, and if "love" is your goal try picking a partner with a brain capable of giving that to you.

 

Is she mexican as in from Mexico or from Spain/Portugal ?

 

If the latter, my advise is to avoid women from the Mediteranean area.

There is a trend there, that can certainly enhance any lingering psychological issues.

 

About the money, is there any way for it to be returned, did you talk to the lawyer about this ?

 

I imagine that you and her had a business [i am kinda curious what that was] and that she kept the paperwork.

 

PS: In the future, never let that much power in her hands, like you did [the paperwork].

Especially with Spanish younger women ... you know how the unemployment rates are over there for young ppl. That creates desperation.

 

We ran a short term apartment rental company, handling apartments advertised in AirBnb. She is from Mexico.

 

She went into the AirBnb account and changed passwords. Then she forwarded Paypal payments to her mexican account and changed passwords. Then she rewrote contracts with property owners. The money is gone, according to my lawyer, and she's not even paying any taxes. She had equal access and took advantage of this. She was immature just in the relationship, but quite quick in screwing with my life it seems. I'm now jobless and in a really tight economic situation. My mind is a whirlwind. I need to sit down and focus.

[rizzla]

New update after two weeks. I signed the divorce agreement at the lawyers' office. It was a bit rough, walking out sad when a white collar executive guy in his fifties approaches me in the street and tells me "man, you are hot". Not the best timing for an old gay guy hitting on me It was kind of hilarious too.

 

I'm engaging in activities like biking and meeting new people, forcing myself to stretch my comfort zone. Reading a lot about narcissistic and co-dependent relationships, also about anger management. So far I'm in an emotional no man's land where I'm supressing pain and trying to look forward ahead. Thanks everyone for your support.

Edited April 27, 2013 by rizzla

[rizzla]

5 weeks after my last post. I feel devastated. Some common friends now tell me that my about-to-be ex wife is spreading the news that I was abusive both psichologically as well as physically during our entire relationship. This is hurting a lot and of course is not true! I became colder and colder as more affairs were being discovered, and had a fight or flight-lost my mind just once when she was sweeping me all over. I am not that monster even if I feel like one. This is terrible.