the office and beyond

[4flowersoflove]

About 8 months ago I got involved with a co-worker in my office. He is a MM with 2 kids. For years, I have known that their relationship was hanging by a thread and never considered anything with him other than friendship. Things started very slow but he had told me he had been attracted to me for some time.

During this entire time we only got together a handful of times. There were months that we did nothing at all. The entire time we never said anything other than we were friends to anyone. He was leaning on me for support when him and his wife would fight( almost every day) and I was always there to listen. He made it sound like she was the cause of most of it.

Then someone decided she needed to know and she showed up at work. She didn't confront me but he lied to her, telling her that we were just friends. She ended up calling me and after talking for an hour, he was right, she has a lot of issues. She now wants to get to know me and be friends with me. Since then we have cut any affair we were having and went back to a friendship but honestly, it's killing me.

I was ok waiting for him to end it with her but now that he has lied about what we did, I feel betrayed. He tells me he is not holding out hope for her to change and make it work but I'm not sure why he keeps holding onto me. I made it clear that I would never do anything again unless he was actually moved out and single and he says he understands. I have tried to tell him I can't be near him anymore and he broke down and made me feel bad for wanting to walk away. I even tried to get angry at him and hope he would just walk away but still, he won't go. I'm to a point of slowly cutting him out.

I can't afford to leave my job over this and neither can he. We are stuck working next to each other for GOD knows how long. I hate the lying and pretending and I do care for him. I feel like he wants his cake and eat it to even if he can't have me. What do I do? Do I just keep it up? I don't want to loose the friendship but I wonder if that is the only way to get past this.

[Poppy fields]

I agree that if you need your job you should continue to distance yourself from him on a personal level as much as possible. Hang in there!

[TaserTag]

You've endangered a job that you need for a man who is clearly a liar. He lies to his wife about you and lies to you about his wife. I wouldn't even try to be friends with him. He's a liar who uses you. I'd be polite to him when I had to deal with him in the context of work. Nothing more. If anyone else at work asks about why you're not 'friends' anymore, I'd just say that I don't want to get involved in his marital issues at all. That's also what I'd tell the wife who wants to be friends. You need to distance yourself from them and their marriage problems.

[Pierre]

and he broke down and made me feel bad for wanting to walk away. I even tried to get angry at him and hope he would just walk away but still, he won't go.

 

Run for the hills. The begging type cheating MMs are the worst kind.

 

Why are you attracted to this man?

 

I assume it is the daily contact that the work place provides. As you know the work place is fertile ground for affairs because it brings men and women together.

 

The wife already put you in your place. Don't get your nose into their marriage and walk away with dignity.

 

Try to date single men.

[whichwayisup]

Stop believing every single word he tells you about her and their marriage. Not once did I read that he is at fault for their issues. He seems to put it ALL on her and he's the innocent one. Hello, maybe she found out about you two and that is the cause of their issues? That she doesn't trust him. You're not his therapist and he involved/relied on you way too much, sucked you into his life and drama. Obviously you picked a side and that was his. Just know that some of what he told is probably greatly exaggerated to put him in the best possible light in your eyes.

 

He crossed the line with you and you with him. You're not his wife, he isn't obligated to you, so feel betrayed all you want - You knew going into this he was married and had 2 kids.

Tell him you can't handle being friends as it is killing you and ask him to please back off and leave you alone on a persona level.

 

You two can't go back to being platonic and innocent friends. That ended the minute the A started.

[MissBee]

People are always worried about "losing the friendship." So they don't want to go NC with their exbf/gf, MM etc.

 

The truth is: authentic friendships do not require you to have to make choices for your mental health.

 

You cannot simply be friends with your affair partner. Even if you were friends before the A, often dating someone changes things and most times you cannot simply backtrack to friends seamlessly OR if you do, it is a long while after, when both are moved on and not while it is fresh.

 

As LG said, he was using you as his unpaid therapist and too many OW are willing to take up with a man who is getting with them while crying about another woman and complaining and they attempt to save him with their love. It usually doesn't bode well for a good foundation.

 

You told him the deal: come back when single. If not, you cannot be friends, and trying to do so will suck you back in.

[Silly_Girl]

Hi Flowers, sorry you are hurting. It's not a nice situation for you. Did he lead you to believe he would leave her? And now isn't?

 

She might have befriended you because she believes/senses there was something between you, perhaps.

 

He shouldn't have misled you. Do you want a relationship with him even if he is trying to improve his marriage?

[waterwoman]

He's lying cheating scumbag. Stay away!

[psm04]

People are always worried about "losing the friendship." So they don't want to go NC with their exbf/gf, MM etc.

 

The truth is: authentic friendships do not require you to have to make choices for your mental health.

 

I love this. I only wish I could apply it to my life!