My girlfriend is unknowingly destroying my self-worth

[tb1gg]

Hello LS community. I've trolled these forums long enough and researched to no avail. I'm 21 years old and never in felt so poorly about myself until several months ago. I've been with my current gf for under a year and a half, whom I do love so dearly. The problem is she was physically abused up until she was 18(she's now 23)by her father and her mother did nothing to help or stop the problem, but enabled this savage man to choke, beat, and verbally abuse their children. Today and for the past 13 months I deal with the aftermath of it all. After doing research into the topic of survivors of sexual abuse I also believe she was molested by him, but she has never told me(she has told me of her physical abuse and specific days that stick with her). How do I ask such a question, do I even ask or do I let her tell me is she was sexual abused. It would explain a lot.

 

I've done everything within my power to be there and support her and help guide her into being the independent, couragious, beautiful, strong woman I see everyday. She, unfortunately, does not see the same as I do. I've done several therapy session, been to anger mangement, continue to research on abuse; I do this all for her, so I can know what she's going through and how I can cope and help support her.

 

The issue is as our relationships continues forward she has regressed. She is fearful I will grow tired of her and the issues and leave her (this has happened to her in previous relationships). I am different then this past guys and do my best to show love, compassion, empathy, understanding, and support towards her. She still continues to push me away. I've grown to feel worthless since I cannot help, she tries so hard to make me happy neglecting herself and her past(which needs to be adressed), which ultimattely is pushing me away because I want her to tend to herself and heal. In order to love me she must first lover herself.

 

She has stopped any therapy she was doing, and I supported this because I do not want to force the healing process on her. She needs to do it on her own with my support, not to do it so Ill be happy; she needs to do it for her, ya know?

 

Her "father" is no longer in the picture since her mother divorced him last year. When she asked her mother when she knew she had to get rid of him she responded with "when I kissed another man." Needless to say pandoras box opened and anger was instilled in my gf. She asked "it wasn't the years of verbal abuse, or dad choking dom(her eldest brother), or when he pulled my arm out of my socket, or tthe times he beat you?" Her mother is also a survivor of child abuuse and tells her daughter to "stop living in the past". She feels since she turned out "O.K." (imo she is very neglectful emotionally and has severe deep seeded issues that need a lot of professional help) that my gf is overracting, and has said this to her on seveal occasions. She loves her mother but has reservations toward, as well as she should.

 

I have always been a confident person with self worth until is was being chipped at. This is where I begin to tear. How do I confront her about this? How do I conquor myself when I feel lost, helpless, and confused? Where do I go from here? Do I break it off until she heals, or do I continue to stick around and be unhappy? I can only tell her so much of how I feel; if I say too much she breaks down and sobs in my arms. This causes an imense overwhelming feeling of guilt in me, and I do not have the heart to let her know how much it adversly affects me. I want to be with her, but I also want my self worth back and to not waste my youth on a potentially lost cause. I need any advice I can get. If more details are needed just ask,and I do apologize for the length of this post. Thanks in advance for any responses

[Emilia]

Welcome to LS tb1gg.

 

Have you thought of getting support for yourself? Counselling perhaps?

[todreaminblue]

I have a similar history, physical and verbal abuse from my step father......it was actually discipline to him that he got as a child so he passed it on to me,i was sexually abused as a child by a man (and his wife use to watch) they ran in home daycare so I have some issues .....ive met some wonderful men in my life really admirable men so i have an understanding not all men are bad and i am eternally hopeful......i am a bit of a recluse...for some of the reasons you have stated above....i find it hard to actually be attracted to men, i can admire them but hardly ever "fall" i am guarded.....i think god protects me from falling for men......

 

 

what i know is the last thing i would ever want to be considered is a "cause" and definitely NOT ,someone fighting for said "lost cause" as a survivor i would rather fight for a cause than be one......i didnt go through what i have been through to become someones "cause"...... to become another problem on society or another problem personally for another.......survivors dont need white knights....they need someone who loves them fro who they are who understands them, and if it is too much to understand why she has the thought processes she has, or,you feel like you are fighting for a lost cause...get out now........give yourself a chance to let go before you resent her.......and bring those thoughts into your relationship....

 

 

it must be horrible for you......but if she has gone through what you say she has and is a survivor...she will survive if you leave.....

 

 

you said you have done everything in your power......that she is couragous and beautiful .......but she doesnt feel it...i am not surprised....people who have suffered at the hands of others often are courageous and beautiful..and humbled because they hav ebeen humiliated physically or sexually ...

 

 

 

they have that humility aura..something about that person keeps men coming to them ...a lot of protectors and white knights...also a lot of dickheads who taste vulnerability...but in all honesty she doesnt need saving.....if she needs help she has to want it.......all that she seems to want from you is love.......

 

 

not to be thought of as a possible lost cause.......she probably i would say, most likely, needs a fair amount of therapy from a professional,and a compassionate doctor, i have had ect ....

 

 

have done years of therapy .......and i still woudl like to make a partner happy......and put them before me.forgo ....sacrifice ...i am altruistic mayeb because of what has happened to me.......thats not going to change no matter how many times they strap me to a table ..i will never forget and wont change perceptions i have..sometimes people can be a product of their environment.......if she doesnt seek therapy you may have to accept her for who she is......if you love her YOU try....if you dont really love her, let her go...never look at any woman damaged or not, as a possible lost cause....have you thought about joining a cause together to help others....draw on experiences and other peoples experiences as therapy ..something appropriate for you both.......deb

Edited March 19, 2013 by todreaminblue

[todreaminblue]

tb1gg,

 

It's really sweet that you want so much to help this woman. She's been through a lot. I'm curious why her pushing you away has you so upset and down on yourself? People do that because they are afraid of being hurt, not because they really want the person gone.

 

Also, it's wonderful that you're so interested in her healing, but you took classes and therapy to 'understand what she went through' when in reality you'll never know. You can't. You won't ever know what it's like to be a 6 year old child and watch your mother be beaten, or to be terrified of daddy, or to feel the strength of another person and know they could kill you, and that they might in that moment. There is no class for that, no book, no anything. You can't ever understand having a mother that was fine watching you be beaten or devalued. You won't understand not having a person that will protect you. I'm sorry, but you won't, and you shouldn't try. You don't need to be her, she does. You need to be you.

 

I couldn't help but notice that you talked more of her upbringing and issues than your own, and that you gave a very long intro into her problems before discussing the problems you are having. Please forgive me, but she isn't a cause, she is a person. You aren't here to 'save' her. You are supposed to be her boyfriend, not her therapist. Your post reads as if you are obsessed with her problems. I don't know how she feels about that, but you talk about her in terms of her problems, not her personality. It's as if the fact that she's 'broken' is what attracts you to her. You've even stated you're feeling worse because you can't help her. That says to me that you view yourself in terms of your ability to 'save' others. She is a real person, not a pile of problems. Also, if her upbringing is as you said, then she will need years and years of introspection to heal, not 13 months. You mentioned leaving her until she is healed. That alone tells me you really don't understand what she's been through or how she feels. A person with that much abuse and neglect doesn't 'heal' in a few months.

 

No one person is going to heal her. She is going to live her life and realize that she is a worthwhile person, and that her parents are the messed up ones, and that sometimes, life just isn't fair. She needs to be away from them for a while. She may never heal. Regardless, you shouldn't be with her to save her. You should be with her because you love her, and her problems should be secondary. You're making them primary. You've described her as if she is nothing more than the sum of her issues.

 

Please, for her sake, just let her be her. Stop taking the classes and reading about abuse and making that the focus of your life. Just love her and be there for her. Understand that she hurts, a lot, and that you won't ever fix that. You can make her life infinitely more enjoyable, but you cannot fix her or anyone else.

 

I think you mean well and have the absolute best intentions. You sound very sweet. But you will not fix this poor woman. If that fact is going to make you feel worse about yourself, then maybe you should spend some therapy sessions dealing with your need to be the savior instead of focusing so much on her.

 

Some would say you focus so much on her to avoid your own issues. Only you know that for certain, but if that's the case perhaps it's time to deal with what is yours?

 

I wish you the absolute best. You really do seem very sweet and caring.

 

 

 

 

awesome post.....you are in my head.........so succinctly put...all the things i didnt say you said...he is a compassionate kind sweet and caring person...but she doesnt need a carer she needs a lover a best friend and a partner who loves her for her....what you wrote...sublime.......deb

[Emilia]

 

Some would say you focus so much on her to avoid your own issues. Only you know that for certain, but if that's the case perhaps it's time to deal with what is yours?

 

Very good post and this is quoted for truth