Probably porn again.

[FolderWife]

*sigh* I get so sick of dealing with the same problems over and over and over and over and over.....

 

My husband and I have been getting along GREAT! We don't have the internet, we don't have cable, we don't have any dirty magazines or movies, and since we've gotten rid of all that, my husband has been treating me better.

 

Well, he's worried about his job, but he's been handling it quite well. Yesterday, when I came home from work, he kept snapping at me. I'd look at him, and see him looking at me, and I'd smile at him like I always do, and he'd snap, "What!?"

 

So I figured he'd had a rough day at work, and I left him alone.

 

Like I said, we don't have cable. My mom and dad gave me a set of rabit ears when I visited them this weekend. I was watching the only channel they would pick up on my small TV. My husband came to watch with me. I told him that my mom said they'd pick up better on a VCR. He said, "Go try it on my TV then." So I went to his big TV, and started to hook them in the VCR. There was an unmarked tape on top of his VCR. He barged into the living room, and yelled, "What are you doing!?" I said, "I'm putting them on the VCR." He said, "Why!?" I said, "Because you told me to!" He said, "I DIDN'T NOT TELL YOU TO PUT THEM ON THE VCR!!!" I could tell he was getting mad....for obviously no reason, so I said, "I'm going to go put some clothes on (I was in my undies) and left.

 

I then came back into the living room, and sat down with the rabit ears. I looked at him, because he was just sitting there flipping channels, and I didn't know what the heck he was doing, because they were all snow. He saw me looking at him, and so I smiled, and he said, "DON'T SMILE AT ME!" So I said, "I'm not." Then he said, "DON'T LOOK AT ME!" So I got up and left.

 

I went to bed. I heard him moving around, so I got up from bed (I'd only been there 3 minutes) and saw him moving around the TV, trying to hook the rabit ears on it.

 

I laid back down, and about 10 minutes later, he came to the bedroom, and said he was going to his uncles.

 

My husband has NEVER went to visit his uncle after 9 o-clock. I said, "Why!?" because I thought he was mad at me or something. He said, "Huh??" I said, "You have to give me a good reason." That set him off. He started saying things like, "I don't have to have your permission! I don't owe you an explaination! I never ask you why you go anywhere!" I said, "YOu always ask why I'm going anywhere I go, and I always just tell you! What's the big deal!" He got mad, and I said, "Just go, I don't care." and he left.

 

I got up, and went to the VCR to find the unmarked tape, to see what was on it, since he was acting so WEIRD, but it wasn't there. I thought, "Well, maybe he put it away when he threw his trash away." But then I noticed a tape on the VCR, with it's box right on top of the TV, so I thought, "If he put away the unmarked one, why didn't he put this one away? And why is he visiting his uncle so late, when he hasn't done that ONCE the entire time we've been married.

 

My husband is usually in bed by 9

 

So my guard is up. The first sign with him is unexplained edgyness. The second clue was the unmarked tape that mysteriously disappeared ( I couldn't find it in his stack of tapes either) The third flag was his leaving the house so LATE, when he usually is in bed by 9!

 

I don't know....I'll keep you posted...I have good instincts though

[Leikela]

Hun, when a guy is addicted to porn he will find anyway to view it. All your past threads are all indicators that your husband has a problem. He won't try and get help? Or he doesn't think he has a problem?

[tiki]

Awwww. Not sounding so good, eh?

 

He probably ran out to get rid of the tape. Confront him! He'll probably lie though, most do.

[FolderWife]

He doesn't think he has a problem.

 

I forgot to add clue number four (which is actually what prompted me to post): he's off today, so right before I went to lunch, I called, because he was on my mind. I carried the conversation, and he gave me a bunch of yeahs and nos, so I asked him if he was going to visit his uncle today. He said he probably would. Then, he asked me if I was going to visit his uncle. I told him that I would if he (hubby) was at his uncles when I got off work. He said, "I probably won't."

 

When he said he probably won't, I thought he meant that he wasn't going to go to his uncle's after all. So I thought he was going to go, until he found out that I'd come visit later, so he decided not to go. So I laughed, and said, "What?" Because I thought he was kidding with me, and he said, "HUH???" I laughed and said, "You're going to go unless I do?" again, because I thought he was playing around. He said, "NO! I probably won't stay UP THERE that long." I said, "Oh..." He sneared, "~Ooh~" I sat silent....

 

*here comes the clue*

 

He said, "Why are you trying to know everything?" I said, "Huh?" He said, "Why do you act like you have to know everything??" I said, "I'm not! What are you talking about?" He said, "You keep acting like you have to know everything!" I said, "Are you mad at me?" He said, "Why?" I said, "Because you're being pretty hateful." Then I made an excuse and got off the phone.

 

The reason that's a clue, is because when he looked at porn before, not only was he impatient with me, but he always acted like his life was none of my business. I was just trying to make small talk with him, not pry. He got so defensive, it makes me think he's hiding something.

 

I don't think I intend to look for it this time....I think I'll just keep my eyes open. I believe he's looking again, so I'll just tip toe around his guilty crankiness until it comes to a head...like it always does.

 

I'm thinking about going home, and telling him that if I ever find porn in our home again, I'm divorcing him.

 

Then again, he's sick, so he may not be able to control it.

 

How is something as useless as porn addicting!?!?!?! Especially when you can function just fine without it

[Leikela]

I dated my ex-boyfriend for 8 years and he was most definitely a porn addict. I don't throw the term "addicted" around lightly either. I would ask him to stop and he would lie and say he had and then I would find all this crap on his computer later. There are other things as well that were devastating but this isn't about me, it's about you.

 

I had to seek some kind of solace in this because it was tearing me apart. I didn't understand it at all. I desperately wanted to understand it. I bought books on the topic and joined a support group online. Patrick J. Carnes has written many good books on this subject and I suggest you pick up a few and read them to try and get a better understanding of what is happening with your husband.

 

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-url/index%3Dstripbooks%26field-keywords%3DPatrick%252520J.%252520Carnes%26store-name%3Dbooks/103-1623979-2136627

 

With my ex-boyfriend, it broke down to a broken childhood coupled with being sexually abused. He had a crappy relationship with his Dad and his Mom. He had many emotional and mental issues and porn was a form of escape for him. It was a fantasy world that he could create for himself where no conflict of any sort would occur. He would give the girls he was looking at a personality and create scenarios in his own mind. His own life was filled with turmoil that he needed an escape.

 

Some people self medicate with alcohol or drugs, but he refused to do any form of substance abuse because alcoholism ran in his family. It's all a vicious cycle and I doubt my ex-boyfriend ever overcame it. He refused counseling and after 8 years of hoping he would change, I finally realized he wouldn't and I left.

 

Think about your husband and his past. Can you connect any issues he may have with his need for porn?

[FolderWife]

His mom mistreated him and his brother...and that's all I can get from him and his family. I don't know what mistreated really means, but they all say that she never fed them. My husband mentioned that he and his brother would be so hungry, that they'd eat saltines, because they were the only thing in the house.

 

My husband was a chubby kid, so he had to have eaten

 

His mom and dad divorced when he was 11, because she had a boyfriend.

 

Hubby can't stand his mom. Actually, hubby doesn't care for women at all. He has no female friends, but TONS of male friends. I'm suprised he ever got married, because he's just not a woman person at all. It's like, he likes my male cousins, but not the female, and he likes my dad, but not my mom.

 

He's a great husband otherwise! He's always home when I get off work, he's always where he's supposed to be, he's dependable, he's considerate....he gets angered by little things a lot on occasion, and he is a basket case when he looks at porn.

 

I hate to blame everything on porn, but it seems the only time he's like this is when he's looking again

[Leikela]

It's pretty much spelled out for you right there. His Mother was abusive to him and left his father for another man, so he attached negativity to women.

 

It's apparent that has stuck with him all his life since you said he doesn't generally like any women, doesn't have any woman friends, and doesn't even like your Mother.

 

The porn is just an outlet for him. It not the problem, per say, but the symptom. He really needs to see a counselor to try and help him sort out his negative feelings for his Mother and help him not project those feelings on to all women.

 

Naturally, he probably cannot open up 100% to you about his feelings. He probably doesn't trust you 100% with anything either.

 

He has deep rooted issues and he really needs to get help or else this cycle with you is going to continue.

[Pantuuf]

Hello Monday,

 

My husband has opened up and shared similar issues (I have had issues with him turning to porn for a long time). His parents divorced when he was 8 years old and his life was tough after that, his mom was very controlling and demanding and he began looking at porn when he was only 9 or 10. He says in the world where he controlled nothing, looking at porn was something just for him and he felt free and in control. I think the attachment to porn can often begin when they are young and then it becomes such a habit and is linked to feelings of being a man and being free. When I bring it up he acts like I am his mother and I have caught him, he seems to revert to a childlike state and cannot easily talk rationally about it, he says he feels intensely guilty and shameful about it but it is such a hard wired habit that it is hard to give up, he says that when he consciously tries he can but it is easy to forget after a while and fall back into the old ways.

 

I don't know if this helps but know you are not alone. Lately, I have been trying to understand him instead of yell at him. I have also taken the stance that I am not shaming or attacking him but trying to understand what it's all about. I think that he is responding well to this and is opening up more, in turn I feel less threatened by the porn itself...not that I am comfortable yet. The best thing we have ever done is talk about this and be brutally honest about it, it is not fun to do nor is it easy but in the end you feel so much better. I think the worst thing I ever did was give him an ultimaden, porn or me. He will always cry and say that he loves me and will stop, but a few months later I find it again. I think it is just something that men and women are on opposite sides of the spectrum on, we don't think of it in the same way as they do at all. I feel it is a threat to my marriage and to me and he says it has nothing to do with me and that they are just tools, which are quickly forgotten and discarded, never loved, admired or even thought about on a conscious level.

 

Good luck, I hope you and your husband can have a real heart to heart about this issue, it may bring you much closer in the end.

[FolderWife]

Thanks for the kind words.

 

My problem is that my husband will SAY that it has nothing to do with me, yet when he's looking at porn, I don't get any lovins from him. Sex is non existant, and when it does happen, he can't orgasm, and that leaves him angry at himself, and me feeling inadequate. Also, he lashes out at me a lot. I'm thinking the lashing out part, is his guilt coming out, because it's so OBVIOUS that he loves me. I can see it all over him how much he loves me.

 

So I've come to grips that he's not doing to to hurt me, and he's not doing it because he doesn't care about me. I don't feel as threatened by it as I used to, but I don't like the way he treats me when he looks at porn.

 

Just like some women don't like the way their men act when their drunk.

 

So I want him to stop so he'll want and desire me, and so he'll treat me with a little respect and love...and not intolerance and impatience.

[whichwayisup]

Monday. My heart goes out to you...That must really hurt.

 

Everyone gave you some good advice, so I can't add much there really. My husband isn't really into porn, he'll watch it once in a while but not much. Seems like yours totally changes too, I guess the looking at women as just a sexual object that pops out at me when I read what you wrote on how he treats you. It's like you have invaded 'his' fantasty even though he's awake, he's still living it in his head.

 

I would suggest some therapy gently, because if he continues down this road he's going to lose you. You can only take so much before the emotions take over and shut down from being hurt. If he refuses therapy then maybe try a trial separation. I wonder if he really realizes how serious this is affecting the marriage?!

 

All the best.

[painter]

i realy dont have a problem with porn.

i do however have a big problem with the way he seems to talk to you. hes not very nice is he. what the hell does he think hes talking to, a bug?

lying is never ok, never is talking to the person you love as though you dispise them.

would he EVER talk to a friend or co-worker that way?

if he treats them with more dignity than he treats you he is damaged and scared and needs therapy, NOW before he damages you badly

[FolderWife]

The issue may not be porn after all

 

Saturday, while hubby was still at work, I decided to clean house. He had left some pop cans in the sink to drain, so I was tossing them in the trash, when one of them made a clinking noise. I thought, "He just tore off the pop can tab, and threw it in the can." For some reason, instead of just accepting that, I looked at the can...and it's tab was still in place. I thought, "Hmmm" and turned the can upside down. A small peice of clear plastic fell out I thought, "What's this from? He must've broke something." and didn't give it a second thought.

 

I was heading upstairs to make the bed, and I saw something shiny in the floor. I thought it was a peice of glass, so I picked it up, and it was ANOTHER peice of clear plastic. I thought, "I wonder what he broke! I hope it wasn't something of mine " Those were the only shards of evidence that he broke something though. I thought, "Well, if he broke it, he did a pretty good job of cleaning it up.....I'll check the trash." I opened the trash can, and on top of the heap was a broken Video Cassette tape." I was like, "BINGO!"

 

The tape was so damaged that I couldn't play it in the VCR, so I, having to know the truth, took out the tape part, and stuck it in another tape, and played it.

 

It was just an old tape that I used to use to record Soap Operas while I was at work....not a shred of porn on it.

 

So although I was seemingly completely wrong about him looking at porn again, now I have to wonder what his REAL issue is. He doesn't talk to me so rudely usually.

 

Hmmmmmm...any thoughts?

 

My friend considered that maybe the broken tape was a decoy, to throw me off It's possible

[Leikela]

Monday,

 

I am so baffled after reading this. It doesn't make any sense. Why would he be protective of a tape, hide it, and then destroy it when it only contains your old soap operas? Perhaps he didn't mean to use it as a decoy but *thought* it was the tape he was supposed to destroy but made a mistake? If it had no label on it, then it would be easy to confuse, right? It's not the only tape you have with no label, correct?

 

Wow, this is just getting bizarre. Maybe some other people have better thoughts on this, but I'm just stuck on what it could be. Maybe you could ask him?

[FolderWife]

hee hee hee, you make SUCH a good point!

 

He yelled at me for touching his VCR, right after I moved the tape off of it. He left the house. I couldn't find the tape. I find the tape 2 days later in the trash all tore up, and it's only my soaps.

 

Hmmmm...it doesn't add up does it

 

My best guess was that when he was trying to hook the rabit ears to the TV, he stepped on the tape, and it broke (because it wasn't smashed to bits like the things he throws usually are) so he threw it in the trash when he was cleaning up?

 

Maybe?

 

That still doesn't explain his bizarre behaviour

 

*sigh* He may be upset over nothing, and accidently stepped on the tape.

 

He may be watching porn again, and broke the tape to stop himself from watching it (he's broken things before to stop his porn use....the computer mouse, the computer screen, ripped up magazines, etc.) but it was the wrong tape.

 

He could've realized that dum dum dum! I saw the tape, and I would be suspicious, so he broke another of my tapes to throw me off.

 

In April, he ordered pay per view, and recorded it over one of my soap tapes. So when I found a blank tape in the VCR, I logically assumed it was mine, and assumed that I hadn't finished watching it the night before, and played the tape, and found porn! Man, was I sick for days after that .

 

He may've outsmarted me, he may've made a mistake himself, or he may be innocent, and I'm so jaded that I go to porn as the fastest solution.

 

Yes, I have several blank tapes...but they are all in my TV room......

[jmargel]

Monday you have some serious trust issues. I keep recommending couseling for you two, but you ignore my advice.

 

You have to give me a good reason.

 

Hell, that would set me off too. Remember it's not what you say, but the way you say it. No wonder why he got defensive and told you off. Stop acting like his mother, or fighting siblings and see a counselor. Check my link as well, so I don't have to repeat everything I said in my other post I made for situations such as yours.

[sumdude]

WOW, looks like this subject is so sore and difficult.

even

It could be that at this point every time you get near the VCR he assumes you're already suspecting him and trying to out him. So he reacts right away defensively.

[FolderWife]

Hmmm...I got suspicious because of his mean attitude. The only time I've ever walked around hurt and confused by the way he gets with me, I would find porn a few days later.

 

I asked him why he was going to his uncle's because he's never done anything like that before. I asked why he's going up there, which is a valid question, that he asks me every time I go visit any of my friends or family, and he kept jumping around answering it. So finally, I said, "You have to give me a good reason!" He got mad, but he gave me a decent answer.

 

I don't like dragging an answer out of him. It's not a disrespectful question. I answer when he asks me why I'm going anywhere I go. Yes, sometimes it annoys me, but I think that I'd like the same respect. When I don't get it, then I get defensive.

 

It was odd behavior! I felt I had a right to question it! He is usually in bed by 9, and here at 9:30 he's leaving???? Right after snapping at me for no reason!?!?!

 

After he left, THAT'S when I thought that he must be using porn again, because he was so weird. But I couldn't find the tape, so that flamed my suspicions. Now that I've found a tape in the trash, I can only conclude that I was Wr...wr....wrwrwrwr....wrrrrrrroong! *blech! I hate that word*

 

Let him worry that I am suspicious. How many times can a person be lied to and lied to and lied to, and have their feelings ignored, before they just start to EXPECT to be lied to again?

 

What would you do? I mean, would you blindly trust your spouse, if they lied to you a BUNCH of times, and their actions pointed towards porn?

 

The clues pointed to porn. It just turned out to not be porn this time.

 

As far as I know.

[Leikela]

Monday,

 

Why don't you just ask your husband why he tore up that tape? You don't have to act suspiciously or anything. Just casually remark that while you were cleaning you found plastic shards everywhere and looked in the trash and saw this tape there. Ask him why he smashed it up.

 

If he gets defensive or snaps at you, then you'll know it was more then just your soap operas on tape.

 

Good luck!

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by Monday

*sigh* I get so sick of dealing with the same problems over and over and over and over and over.....

 

My husband and I have been getting along GREAT! We don't have the internet, we don't have cable, we don't have any dirty magazines or movies, and since we've gotten rid of all that, my husband has been treating me better.

 

Well, he's worried about his job, but he's been handling it quite well. Yesterday, when I came home from work, he kept snapping at me. I'd look at him, and see him looking at me, and I'd smile at him like I always do, and he'd snap, "What!?"

 

So I figured he'd had a rough day at work, and I left him alone.

 

Like I said, we don't have cable. My mom and dad gave me a set of rabit ears when I visited them this weekend. I was watching the only channel they would pick up on my small TV. My husband came to watch with me. I told him that my mom said they'd pick up better on a VCR. He said, "Go try it on my TV then." So I went to his big TV, and started to hook them in the VCR. There was an unmarked tape on top of his VCR. He barged into the living room, and yelled, "What are you doing!?" I said, "I'm putting them on the VCR." He said, "Why!?" I said, "Because you told me to!" He said, "I DIDN'T NOT TELL YOU TO PUT THEM ON THE VCR!!!" I could tell he was getting mad....for obviously no reason, so I said, "I'm going to go put some clothes on (I was in my undies) and left.

 

I then came back into the living room, and sat down with the rabit ears. I looked at him, because he was just sitting there flipping channels, and I didn't know what the heck he was doing, because they were all snow. He saw me looking at him, and so I smiled, and he said, "DON'T SMILE AT ME!" So I said, "I'm not." Then he said, "DON'T LOOK AT ME!" So I got up and left.

 

I went to bed. I heard him moving around, so I got up from bed (I'd only been there 3 minutes) and saw him moving around the TV, trying to hook the rabit ears on it.

 

I laid back down, and about 10 minutes later, he came to the bedroom, and said he was going to his uncles.

 

My husband has NEVER went to visit his uncle after 9 o-clock. I said, "Why!?" because I thought he was mad at me or something. He said, "Huh??" I said, "You have to give me a good reason." That set him off. He started saying things like, "I don't have to have your permission! I don't owe you an explaination! I never ask you why you go anywhere!" I said, "YOu always ask why I'm going anywhere I go, and I always just tell you! What's the big deal!" He got mad, and I said, "Just go, I don't care." and he left.

 

I got up, and went to the VCR to find the unmarked tape, to see what was on it, since he was acting so WEIRD, but it wasn't there. I thought, "Well, maybe he put it away when he threw his trash away." But then I noticed a tape on the VCR, with it's box right on top of the TV, so I thought, "If he put away the unmarked one, why didn't he put this one away? And why is he visiting his uncle so late, when he hasn't done that ONCE the entire time we've been married.

 

My husband is usually in bed by 9

 

So my guard is up. The first sign with him is unexplained edgyness. The second clue was the unmarked tape that mysteriously disappeared ( I couldn't find it in his stack of tapes either) The third flag was his leaving the house so LATE, when he usually is in bed by 9!

 

I don't know....I'll keep you posted...I have good instincts though

 

 

Watch the porn with him! Get over it, everybody on this planet is hear because a male had sex with a female. And most guys like to watch that. So let him. He not out with some other women, he is just watching.

 

 

Porn keeps guys (most guys) from having affairs.

 

Many women hate because of this and that, but some like it, my fiance likes watching most porn with me, and wow!! it can really make a fun night!!!

[Leikela]

Toronto Guy,

 

You have to read Monday's other posts. She used to like to watch porn too and wanted to share it with her husband but he refused. He only wanted to do it in private. At first she let him, but then when he was viewing it, she would get practically NO SEX from him at all. When they did have sex, he couldn't get it up, etc... He would also act mean and nasty to her when he was viewing porn. Also, he would lie to her about it and hide it from her.

 

She finally said that all the porn had to go and she even gave up her own viewing of it. Since the porn has been gone, he has been treating her so much better and they have an active sex life again.

[CanadaGuy]

Re"She used to like to watch porn too and wanted to share it with her husband but he refused."

 

 

Sorry, I did not see that part, no I'm on her side!!

 

P.S. My ex & watched porn together, and it worked very well for us (was not NEEDED, but, was like adding whip cream to the night, fun for a change!)

[whichwayisup]

Porn has it's uses and it's fun once in a while...But when it takes over your sex life then it's a huge problem. I'm sorry that it's going on with you Monday. Must be really frustrating. I don't know how I'd handle it if my husband had a problem with it.

 

Glad you're still posting about it and reaching out for help and support!

[FolderWife]

Well thank all of you