5 months NC, stuck, depressed, lonely

[ShadowCore]

Hello all,

As is often the case on these forums I haven't managed to introduce myself particularly gracefully. I have posted once in desperation, and that is sadly why I find myself here again now. However, I do end up reading LS posts regarding breakups every day. And even if I don't find my "answers" from that, I have certainly read a few useful phrases. And definitely found comfort in the idea of having somewhere to reach out.

My first post is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/367764-ldr-breakup-acceptance-struggle

My relationship/ break-up in brief (ish): 5 year relationship, 2 years in the same country, 3 years LDR (different countries). We are both young, both 20. I suppose the LDR was ambitious from the get-go. But he was my absolute best friend and companion. We had a tremendous amount of trust. It was a really good relationship - apart from the unsolvable distance. We visited every 3 or 4 months and had a short phone conversation daily. I always thought 'I would rather be in a relationship and apart, than not be together at all'. So we stayed together, and now I find myself in the second situation. We broke up in October. It feels like no time at all, and yet the longest time ever? 5 months no contact. And I feel so stuck.

On paper it seems a reasonably simple situation. It makes sense, at least. Because we are young, we both have commitments in our own countries (he's in the army), and although I moved to his country for 5 months in my gap year, we couldn't do anything permanent. And plus, and this I feel was/is the very greatest problem: we needed time apart. To grow, discover, and find ourselves outside of such an intense, difficult (in terms of effort required for LDR) relationship, which we'd invested a quarter of our lives in. It was not a possible time to completely commit forever. I became incredibly dependent on him. To a point where I wouldn't really mind if I went out or stayed home, because I had this warped belief that "It doesn't matter, because when I go visit him, I'll have fun with him." On the other hand, he moved, made friends, and was often out with them. Undoubtedly I relied upon him for my happiness. And I know in many ways I needed this breakup to become a better person - I have a complete lack of confidence, never saw it as a problem, until now. I realise there are things I "can't do" (like drive even though I've passed my test) which I never considered to be a problem. I just thought "Oh, it's just how I am, I can't do that" - Accepting other people can and I can't. Which I now realise was a crazy way of thinking. I just wish I could have realised before, when I'd have been in a better mental state to do something about it.

I had started university 2 months before the break up, but I have since quit. It was the wrong course (I hadn't put a lot of thought into it), and the wrong time. I saw a counselor whilst I was there. I'm now on antidepressants, organising to see another counselor, and attempting to get a job. I feel ridiculous. I can barely make myself do anything. I have no friends here. And my family doesn't know how to help.

We both saw that the relationship couldn't go anywhere anytime soon. It would have to consist of visits for the next 3 years at least, and after that we didn't want to say for sure what would happen (I guess we both knew we hadn't done any growing on our own). We spoke about it when I visited him, but afterwards ignored it - we didn't want to break up. Then it came up after I started uni, in a frustrated talk, and he said he was done. He told me not to call him. Of course I did. Twice. The first time I realised I could be saying my goodbyes, so I spoke to him from the heart -he cried but said very little. The second time I called him out of desperation - I was used to calling him often, about anything. He was cross, he didn't want to talk, and he was annoyed that he'd cried before. I sent him an email. He sent a caring but short reply saying it hadn't been an easy decision and he would never regret anything or forget it, and that he wanted me to be happy. I sent him a last email, saying I understood his decision and agreed with it as much I could, telling him I didn't know how much my feelings for him would ever change, and that I hoped he would achieve everything he wanted without anyone holding him back.

I suppose my main reason for writing this is because somehow, and I don't know if it's just because I've had 5 months to warp my mind - I still feel like the victim. The weaker one. The one who will of course be struggling, the one who wishes for contact, the one who misses him so much, and the one who can't bear the thought of never seeing him again. I suppose because he was insistent that it needed to happen. He said things about moving on/letting go whilst all I was trying to do was cling to him. I feel like I was the one chasing and begging, and he was the one saying "no". Even though I can see that one-way-or-another a break-up was probably inevitable. It just makes me confused and doubt him, and the feelings I thought he had.

I miss him so much, I am desperate to talk to him. So far I haven't because I know I would want to talk relationship stuff, and he doesn't deserve to be made to feel bad. And that's what stops me. Yet I feel if I did contact him, it would be me wanting to talk, and him not wanting to. I'd want to say 'I can't have a proper conversation because of my feelings, but at least I'd like to check in and hear how you are." But I don't feel he would ever be able to say the same.

I feel certain that if he want to think about it, he would know how I still feel about him. And I don't know if that's because of his confidence, or because I made it clear to him... or because I loved him more?! But all I feel is confused about his feelings. And reluctant to let go/move on from someone I love so much.

I am so thankful to have a medium like this to put out some words onto. I know I don't have a real question. All day long in my mind I think about when I will be able to contact him, and how it might work out. I know really there's no advice for that - because I should stop thinking that I'm waiting for it. I'm sorry LS community, I'm not sure what I'm searching for. But I feel so low, rejected, and bad about myself that I barely manage to make myself do anything in a day. Whilst all I can think about is the fact that he will be around his friends, still having fun. And possibly not really thinking about me that much, because not a lot in his every day life has changed.

And I can see the person I want to be. But no way of getting there. Especially not with the jealous/anxious/depressed thoughts of him paramount in my mind all the time.

If you have read this, I am so very grateful to you. Sometimes I suppose it just helps to share when you feel alone. To do something else instead of think about contacting him. If you have anything to say, please comment - it would be really nice to hear from some of you out there.

Thank you so much.