How to establish rules for people interfering & disapprove of my marriage?

[MrsNicole]

I have very recently got married to my husband who I've been with for 2½ years, We decided to elope last month, My family and friends are disappointed I didn't have a 'Big White Wedding' but we just wanted it to be personal & about just us. We have our own house just outside my hometown but we mostly live on the road driving across country as its part of my husbands job, He deals in things that some people don't agree with although I can say he will never be directly in possession of something illegal, That's all I'll say about his job! I'm 26 but before I met him I was a little too 'wild' and I was a nightmare to my family. My mom likes my husband but she constantly tells me he is no good for me & I once overheard her say to my sister that I was a pretty young thing that is emotionally unstable that i'm the only one who will put up with who he really is because she realizes nobody else would put up with my antics.

 

 

I would say that sometimes our relationship can be very volatile at times like a few weeks ago we were at a bar just the two of us, My husband went to the bathroom & came back to some guy coming onto me I found this funny and laughed until, My husband punched the guy in the face & when we got back to the motel he was so angry with me he punched the door when he walked out, but honestly I love him so much I could scream. He comes from a broken home and has no contact with them, My best friend even 'jokes' calling him a tortured soul and says he is as damned as he seems but yet claims they really like him. All this hurts to hear & everyone tells us we rushed into marriage and that I was too young and foolish because I left everything behind to be with him, Which I did give up almost everything but I love him & know he is worth it. Sometimes I just can't get enough of him but at the same time, he's more than I can take, If that makes sense. We are going to a get together this weekend with family & friends and Im dreading it because I know whats going to be said about us in 'jokes', About how we should be and that we'll regret getting married. Advice on this would be helpful because It really hurts to hear this & I feel Im not too far away from having even less to do with them. Thanks.

[MrsNicole]

Is anyone willing to advise me, I'd be very greatful?

[LeGenDary_Man]

Never, EVER shut your family out for someone you're too blinded by love to be able to see what THEY all can clearly see.

 

Because one day, the rose-colored glasses will come off, and you will be able to see what they've been seeing all along.

 

They'll ALWAYS be your family. Him? You've got a 50% chance he'll still be in your life 10 years from now.

Are you making a distinction between OP's husband and her family?

 

OP's husband IS PART of her family after marriage.

 

---

 

@MrsNicole

 

Here is a suggestion:

 

Make the wedding official by hosting a special "family + friends event," if you feel that this may make it possible for your family members and friends to better connect with your husband. You may rather consider a "family only event," if you intend to keep such an event a family business strictly. But before you do this, have a lengthy discussion with your husband on how to handle this meeting; since you are concerned that you and your husband may experience "tough" questions during the potential meeting(s). Also, have a lengthy discussion with your family members and friends about this subject and let them know that they SHOULD RESPECT your decision/judgment concerning your marriage and refrain from making you and your husband "uncomfortable" by asking too many "tough" questions during the potential meeting(s).

 

Regarding the concerns:

 

I don't get your mother's part in this; as per your disclosure, she "likes" your husband but also "disapproves" of your marriage even after your 2-1/2 years of relationship with your husband prior to marriage? (This makes no sense to me; you cannot "like" a person and then "disprove" of him/her at the same time. If this disclosure is correct then I believe that your mother is overreacting out of resentment of your decision of NOT having a "big white wedding" as you put.)

 

About the bar scene; your husband is "protective" about you - which is a good thing, IMO. No "real man" would tolerate a stranger trying to hit on his wife (Being a man myself; I am in good position to explain male' psyche concerning this). However, I don't get the "My husband went to the bathroom & came back to some guy coming onto me I found this funny and laughed until" part properly; were you flirting with this stranger which caused your husband to be angry with you as apparent from his reaction in a motel?

 

Let me make one thing clear to you; your marriage changes the game here; you should maintain firm boundaries about how you deal with strangers after your marriage. Your husband, given his background, may be sensitive to this matter. Sort this matter out via communication with your husband ASAP.

 

By the way, congrats to you for your wedding. And no! DO NOT LET your friends and family members CONFUSE you about your decision to marry this man. You have been with this guy for more then 2 years and this is a BIG TIME to judge/evaluate a person. Same goes for your friends and family members; they could have cautioned you DURING THIS ENTIRE DURATION, if they felt that you did not made a good choice; why complain "after" marriage?

 

Your FRIENDS aren't your FRIENDS if they do not RESPECT your decisions (important to you) as a MATURE ADULT; you are NOT A TEEN but a 28 years old mature woman. And your family members should stop with OVERREACTIONS; keep in mind my suggestion above, if you decide to attempt to bring your HUSBAND close to your FAMILY + FRIENDS.

 

Good luck

Edited March 21, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Sparty97]

Based on your narrative I believe you probably be in for a very exciting few years. After that? Who knows.

 

As for your family? It doesn't sound like they are ostracizing you or your husband, they are quietly expressing their concern. I would guess that they will be there when you need them to.

[carhill]

Sounds like a script from 'Sons of Anarchy'.

 

I have some fatherly advice but will opine it's probably healthier to learn from life experience. Also, be cautious about becoming an accessory after the fact. The lady penitentiaries aren't as pleasant as portrayed on TV.

 

Since you're 'on the road' most of the time, the easiest way to handle 'rules' is simply to avoid those whom you feel are interfering. Cut contact. Build new relationships. Your family will always be your family. Hopefully someday you'll all be on the same page. You'll understand this aspect better later on, hopefully before they're dead. Good luck.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Look, I don't know when the man you describes is the correct one for you or not, I don't know how old you are and I can't measure the maturity of your decisions...

 

But one thing is clear... when I take a decision about my life I would listen to my family but at the end it is my decision (wrong or right doesn't matter) and I will expect my family to back my decision up because it is mine to take and only affect me!

 

If I would be you I would say to your mother :

 

- Mom I hear you, I see your concerns, I know you think I am wrong but I have taken a decision and I expect you to be in my back because you are my mother and wrong or right you are the one person I expect to be in my side for the good and for the bad. -

 

Good luck in your life!

Family input is certainly valuable; however, this input matters more during "non-marital relationship" phase.

 

Were the OP's parents oblivious to her 2-1/2 year long relationship with the man whom she eventually married? Why complain after "marriage" and not before?

 

OP's "marriage" should be respected; she is a grown-up girl.

 

Punching someone in the face for talking to you is NOT a good thing. Your husband is a loose canon. One day I'd bet that door and that stranger are going to be you.

 

Besides that, there is clearly something very shady, and probably illegal, with his 'job' so you also may end up in jail.

 

Gee, I'm really surprised that your family isn't jumping for joy at the marriage. They might like him but it doesn't sound like he's offering you a very stable life.

 

I'm really surprised someone said him 'being protective' was a good thing. He assaulted someone for talking to you. That's very, very bad. He has too much of a temper and is also apparently very insecure.

 

I hope I'm wrong, but you'll probably be in for some exciting years, as has been said, followed by either visiting your husband in jail, or having your family visit you there. Good luck.

Personality wise, are you paranoid type or highly judgmental type?

 

About the punching part: Their is difference between "talk" and "flirtation"; we have a vague description of the event in question in a bar. Maybe OP's husband noticed a development that he found objectionable and felt the need to stop it. Some men are more "masculine" then others; some more "protective" then others. This doesn't means that they are potential abusers or something. This is something that OP and her husband can privately resolve themselves via communication. We are not in the position to judge people on the basis of some posts on the web unless lot of information is available which isn't the case here.

 

About the profession part: Once again, do we know that OP's husband is doing something that have landed him in jail before? Do we know anything concrete about OP's husband's profession? OP is in better position to know the "ground realities" of her husband's profession. She has spent 2-1/2 years with this man before making the decision to marry him; and she is not a child. Their is no need to unnecessarily scare her. Unless, OP have married a criminal, I wouldn't be concerned.

 

About the prediction part: Nobody knows and/or can accurately predict what will happen in the future.

 

About the stability part: Marriages have failed under very stable conditions and/or with "submissive MAN" in the home; so do not generalize.

 

If I were in the shoes of OP's husband and you were OP's friend; I would have advised my wife to stay away from you. You don't even know these people and you are being highly judgmental about them. I mean seriously?

 

NOTE: Don't get me wrong; I respect you as a person and your input. However, caution is advised in case of giving advices.

Edited March 21, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[LeGenDary_Man]

I'm the realist type. Punching a stranger in the face for flirting is the sign of a violent and short fused person. To continue that absurd mentality all the way into the hotel room and punch the door? I realize some women find this romantic. It's violent, illegal, and usually a precursor of things to come. Defend him all you want.I have a feeling that the OP isn't a stranger to you so now you can call me paranoid.

 

I'm not concerned. I don't know her at all so she can do what she wants. It's obvious from her post what he does for a living is shady at best, and most likely illegal. Why else would she say "he will never be directly in possession of any illegal substance"? So he will indirectly be responsible for it? And she won't say anything else?

 

I'm sure he sells insurance and she just felt like adding drama, right? How foolish of me.

 

Yes marriages have failed under more stable conditions. Who said anything about submissive? I see, so if you don't punch strangers to show ownership of your woman you're submissive? LMAO - ok.

 

If I were the OP's friend I would have advised her to stay as far away from this man as possible. Mentally secure people do not punch strangers, and safe people don't hold jobs where they indirectly own illegal substances.

 

Some women crave drama. I'm betting OP is one of those women. If so, she should be very happy right now because she's getting it.

You are overblowing the punch event; you make it sound like as if OP's husband has history of being violent with men who dare talk to his wife and this used to be the case when they weren't married.

 

Try to understand the difference between "flirtation behavior" and "simple talk." The setting was a bar where people often tend to hook up. The wife was probably enjoying the attention from the stranger (for fun factor perhaps) but her husband demonstrated to her that a boundary has to be set after marriage. The husband's action was violent but the message was strongly delivered. Too many people take these kinds of events easily and then they wonder that why their "significant others" have strayed during the relationship(s). It makes no sense for a person who is in a committed relationship to flirt with a stranger and/or enjoy his/her attention.

 

Issue here is that we have a vague description of this whole event; we don't know much about it and we only have one-side-of-story to rely upon.

 

Get it?

 

So tell us-what's your connection to this woman/man/relationship?

I have no connection to this relationship. If OP is happy with this guy; what is the issue here? Her happiness is all that matters in the end. I think that people are being too judgmental about her. OP hasn't committed a crime; she married a guy whom she loves. Give her a break.

 

EDIT - You are right - I don't know these people. I do know people just like them. They end up miserable, broke and living in a trailer, missing a few teeth from all of the physical fights they've had over the years. It's a wonderful life. At 20 it seems fun and exciting. At 50? It sucks. It's filled with regret and it's too late to change it. Her family knows this and was probably hoping she'd tire of him. Instead they married and now her family is left hoping she wakes up and leaves him.

Again! You are generalizing about relationships that you do not understand. A man's fortune can change during the course of his life; same is true for the woman. OP had 2-1/2 years to evaluate this guy before marrying him. It is her choice and we should respect that. You don't know OP's husband in person so you shouldn't be highly judgmental about him. At least, I am being neutral here unlike you.

 

It's her family so what business is it of yours? You're saying caution is advised in the case of giving advise. Wouldn't her family say that to you - a stranger on the internet? What business is it of yours when comparing it to their input?

 

For some reason, you think it is. Are you the groom here?

OP have sought an advice about her position in an online community; it is obvious that her matter is no longer a strict family business after the disclosure.

 

A very big reason behind the "reactions" OP is facing is due to her decision to tie the knot without spending so much money. Her family members (excluding her husband) are understandably disturbed but were they oblivious to her 2-1/2 years of relationship with this guy? Now that she got married and suddenly they decided to berate her? Hypocrisy is apparent.

 

I give an advice from a neutral perspective. You need to adopt similar posture. You claim to be realist but I assure you that nobody is perfect; life is filled with challenges. People make choices and they are responsible for them.

 

It is not like as if OP is complaining about her husband; she is happy and is rather complaining about the "reactions" she is facing from those individuals who are close to her nonetheless. She is obviously not liking the "reactions." Try to understand the difference.

Edited March 21, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[LeGenDary_Man]

Don't fool yourself. Nothing about your post is neutral. You've defended her husband for acting like a neanderthal from your first word. So the way to set boundries with a spouse is to punch strangers? Yeah, that makes sense.

 

His actions are indefensible. He's an out of control insecure throwback.

 

No, I'm not neutral, but neither are you.

 

Her family will get what they want soon enough I'm sure.

 

I have nothing else to say about the 'happy' couple.

Unlike you, I am not pretending to know OP and her husband in person; unless I have lot of information to rely upon, I do not consider myself in good position to judge OP and her husband's characters. I am responding to what have been disclosed by OP thus far. OP is HAPPY and I respect her decision.

 

You sound like as if you "want to see" OP suffer for her decision and then throw it at her face in the form of your WISDOM, if things turn bad (God forbid). Why not encourage OP to hope for the best and advice her on how to handle her "current family based situation" in best possible manner? Please keep in mind that OP is not a kid and she had 2-1/2 years to evaluate this person. Stop assuming that everybody is stupid.

 

S**t happens; even with nicest of the people. You certainly don't strike me as a REALIST as you originally claimed.

 

If OP's parents are truly concerned about OP's well-being; they should have STOPPED her from seeing this guy during the whole 2-1/2 year phase of her relationship, if they found him unsuitable. However, what I see here is the IRONY.

 

So, how does punching this random guy stop his wife from flirting with others? Does he get to punch anyone his wife flirts with?

 

When does he turn those punches to her? When he realizes that he can't punch every guy on the planet so he needs to set the boundries with her?

 

lol - creeeeeeep

How many men have OP's husband punched in these scenarios? Do you have a count?

 

After what OP have witnessed in that bar, she wouldn't be stupid enough to repeat the same mistake again which led to the OM getting punched. A certain degree of assertiveness is always important in a relationship; otherwise, chances are that you may end up being treated like a doormat in the long run.

 

What you have failed to notice thus far is that OP's husband is living a "normal" life in this planet and this proves that he is not as violent as you are making him out to be. OP didn't wed her husband in a JAIL or did she?

 

Your paranoia is much more creepier.

Edited March 21, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Nyla]

I have very recently got married to my husband who I've been with for 2½ years, We decided to elope last month, My family and friends are disappointed I didn't have a 'Big White Wedding' but we just wanted it to be personal & about just us. We have our own house just outside my hometown but we mostly live on the road driving across country as its part of my husbands job, He deals in things that some people don't agree with although I can say he will never be directly in possession of something illegal, That's all I'll say about his job! I'm 26 but before I met him I was a little too 'wild' and I was a nightmare to my family. My mom likes my husband but she constantly tells me he is no good for me & I once overheard her say to my sister that I was a pretty young thing that is emotionally unstable that i'm the only one who will put up with who he really is because she realizes nobody else would put up with my antics.

 

 

I would say that sometimes our relationship can be very volatile at times like a few weeks ago we were at a bar just the two of us, My husband went to the bathroom & came back to some guy coming onto me I found this funny and laughed until, My husband punched the guy in the face & when we got back to the motel he was so angry with me he punched the door when he walked out, but honestly I love him so much I could scream. He comes from a broken home and has no contact with them, My best friend even 'jokes' calling him a tortured soul and says he is as damned as he seems but yet claims they really like him. All this hurts to hear & everyone tells us we rushed into marriage and that I was too young and foolish because I left everything behind to be with him, Which I did give up almost everything but I love him & know he is worth it. Sometimes I just can't get enough of him but at the same time, he's more than I can take, If that makes sense. We are going to a get together this weekend with family & friends and Im dreading it because I know whats going to be said about us in 'jokes', About how we should be and that we'll regret getting married. Advice on this would be helpful because It really hurts to hear this & I feel Im not too far away from having even less to do with them. Thanks.

 

If you cannot say what your husband's job is and you had to mention "no direct possession of something illegal", this is a red flag. Perhaps your mother is concerned that her daughter is marrying someone who works on the fringes of the law, while being on the road all the time.

 

My parents were so angry when my husband and I eloped that they stopped talking to us for a year afterwards. My in-laws were unhappy about the elopement, but they threw a party for us and we even received unexpected gifts of money. I was going to invite my family of origin to my fifth anniversary vow renewal, but they are too toxic and dysfunctional. After all, why should I spend money entertaining people who cut me off because they didn't get their way? My husband and I refuse to reward manipulation.

 

Based on your mother's "emotional instability" comment, it sounds like your mother is still holding your past actions against you. Have a party or vow renewal if you feel that you want to include your family of origin in a celebration of your marriage. Keep in mind this may not change her opinion of your husband. Does your mother know about how volatile your marriage is?

 

One of the great things about being a married adult is you and your husband get to decide who is allowed in your lives and to what degree. You can keep people at an arm's length if they show disrespect or add too much negativity to your marriage.

 

My husband is the jealous type too, but he knows not to become violent because there are legal and physical consequences for such actions. The fact that your husband is so easily provoked to violence and destroying property is a very bad sign. You could be the next target.

[Sparty97]

I get the sense that the OP enjoyed the fact that her husband punched a guy that was flirting with her. So some random guy gets clocked for her pleasure...awesome.

[diipii]

You're addicted to this man because he seems cool.

He's not. He's a small time criminal, violent, ignorant and a waste of your time.

Move on immediately.