kansasdad Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Ok quick background. In may my brother inlaws wife confessed to me she was cheating on him. I met him and told him everything. He asked me to get close to her and get her to spill details and to get her to work on marriage. Over the next few months I did just that and kept giving him information and betraying her trust but giving bro inlaw what he asked for. ( which my wife encouraged since its her brother) One day in sept. we got too close and she proceeded to give me a bj, I stoppped her during and before finishing, told her to leave and cut off contact with her. She then went after a friend of mine and did same thing not to my knowledge until friend told me. She would keep trying to contact me and one day she did and I replied via text when working with my friend. he replied back some dirty comments and so did i guys will be guys. not to my knowledge she was keeping a log of this text in a journal. My Brother inlaws mariage was already over but he found her journal Jan 1st and let my wife read it on Jan 7th, she filed for div the next morning. ( i didnt even know she found out or filed for divorce for 5 more days,) WHen i was served papers at work i was informed she and kids were gone and it is over. She is being nice during divorce and we are friendly and dont fight. Her brother and I still talk and hang out occasionally, we are selling our home and splitting up. When her and I are together she is nice, sometimes playful, shows no emotions, no anger. We had small issues b4 this but thats it. My question is should I hold out hope that she will reconsider reconciliation. I have written sincere remorseful letters to her broither and her and spoken with parents telling them how wrong I was. I have never done anything like this in the past and I am full of guilt foir hurting the one and true love of my life. I keep apologizing in eoither letters or poems to her, offerning anything I can as a guarantee that it will never happen. She said its 95% who it is. WIll she ever try to get past anger and work this out before divorce is final? :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Nope, I very much doubt it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kansasdad Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 we have been married 14 years and have 3 kids never cheated before or since. all 3 kids u nder the age of 10. Or will she not consider until after divorce Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I am 100% behind your wife. She is a woman of character. Isn't it truly a shame that we don't learn these lessons before we do something stupid? Because you seem sincere, I'd suggest arranging a meeting. Tell her again in just a few short words that you're willing to do whatever it takes to restore your relationship. Caution: You cheated, know that. You've already broken promises. Don't make more unless you intend to keep them. Be sure. Then? Leave her alone, save for specific duties needed for the children. Make a point to always be available. Get back to being a person she can trust, admire and count on. That'll be useful, divorced or not. Finally? Avoid other women. Even if you're divorced and she is seeing someone. You want her back? Go the extra mile. Right now you're cooked. Get uncooked. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 we have been married 14 years and have 3 kids never cheated before or since. all 3 kids u nder the age of 10. If the bus driver that takes your kids to school got them there successfully for 10 years but one day ran over one of them, would you be sympathetic to his statement that it had never happened before? In marriage, the expectation is that you'll confine your sexual interest to you wife. Outside BJ's and flirty "guys will be guys" comments aren't part of the package. You stepped out and got caught, there's nothing unusual about your situation. Nor is there anything much different in your wife's response. I wouldn't hold out much hope... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I like how your brother law recruited you to "get close to her, find out what's going on, and get her to work on her marriage" Good at delegating jobs isn't he? Should have told him to do it yourself. Bet you also didn't tell your wife you were on this mission did you. Sounds more like, you heard through the grapevine she was cheating, you started an emotional relationship, it got physical and you got busted. Next time you're recruited for a top secret mission, tell them to go do their damn work themselves! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kansasdad Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 I like how your brother law recruited you to "get close to her, find out what's going on, and get her to work on her marriage" Good at delegating jobs isn't he? Should have told him to do it yourself. Bet you also didn't tell your wife you were on this mission did you. Sounds more like, you heard through the grapevine she was cheating, you started an emotional relationship, it got physical and you got busted. Next time you're recruited for a top secret mission, tell them to go do their damn work themselves! Actually I told my wife first, and yes she knew her brother asked me to get close to her and hepp. I even told my wife within 2 weeks of talking with h er I said " I can havr her naked in our bed in 2 days" shen laughed since sister inlaw has hated me for years. Wife asked me to keep helping her bro. I would tell her everything (well almost everything) Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Sorry, man, but wow did you f up. I would cut your losses. No one "accidentally" gets a blow job. Get real here. I gotta back your wife up on this one. That was a nasty betrayal not only to your sister, but your brother-in-law. I also agree with Darren. Who the hell recruits someone else to fix their marriage like that? You should have told him to fix it himself. Why would you waste time and energy on another couple like that? This whole situation is just bizarre. Enjoy your bed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Wife asked me to keep helping her bro. I would tell her everything (well almost everything). Come on man, get real. Do you think either your wife or her brother thought the "help" would include having sex with her? The irony seems lost on you that he asked you for help in finding out if she was cheating and your idea of assistance was cheating with her... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author kansasdad Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 . Come on man, get real. Do you think either your wife or her brother thought the "help" would include having sex with her? The irony seems lost on you that he asked you for help in finding out if she was cheating and your idea of assistance was cheating with her... Mr. Lucky No I didn not. I didn't plan it. I just happened. I was on some meds at the time that put me into a severely depressed state. Its not an excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 No I didn not. I didn't plan it. I just happened. I was on some meds at the time that put me into a severely depressed state. Its not an excuse. This is where, were I your spouse, you'd lose me. Infidelity doesn't "just happen", it's a choice we make. Meds and depression don't get you off the hook and, in fact, may make your partner think you'd be prone to repeating the behavior. I hope your sales pitch to your wife, assuming she'll listen, is stronger than this. You come across as long on excuses and short on responsibility... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I hope your sales pitch to your wife, assuming she'll listen, is stronger than this. You come across as long on excuses and short on responsibility... Very well said. Advice worth taking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kansasdad Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 This is where, were I your spouse, you'd lose me. Infidelity doesn't "just happen", it's a choice we make. Meds and depression don't get you off the hook and, in fact, may make your partner think you'd be prone to repeating the behavior. I hope your sales pitch to your wife, assuming she'll listen, is stronger than this. You come across as long on excuses and short on responsibility... Mr. Lucky I didn't pitch anything to my wife. I took full resposibility for my piss poor deccisions and that I am tje only one to blame. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I didn't pitch anything to my wife. I took full resposibility for my piss poor deccisions and that I am tje only one to blame. Well then if you talk to her (and I hope you get the chance to have a good conversation with her ), I wouldn't say anything about meds, depression or happenstance. I'd let her know that your pain isn't based on feeling sorry for yourself, it comes from knowing how much you hurt her. And I'd make sure she understands that you take full responsibility for what you've done and how you've broken your marriage vows. I'd close with a request for the opportunity to spend the rest of your life making it up to her. If you do talk to her, let us know how it goes. Good luck... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 (edited) Well kansasdad, your p!ss-poor decisions have cost you dearly already, so no need to beat you up any more about that. However, it was incredibly unhealthy for you to involve yourself in your brother-in-law's marriage that way. And, it was just as unhealthy for your wife to allow/encourage you to do so. Sure, he is her brother and she wanted to help him, but at the expense of her own husband getting close to the wife? Why didn't your wife try to talk to her sister-in-law and get through to her if she wanted to help that bad? Still a bit unhealthy but not as bad as what transpired. What woman in her right mind would have allowed that risk to her own marriage? In this case, your wife can be held partly responsible for your choice to get too close to that woman. Edited March 21, 2013 by Snowflower Link to post Share on other sites
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