I hate his female friend! What do I do?

[crissy2157]

I'm sorry this is so long!

 

I started talking to this guy back in 2011. He lives several hours away from me (we met once through a mutual friend). After a few months of talking, we "officially" dated for awhile. He had talked to me a few times about a supposedly good friend of his, we'll call her Rachel. One day on the phone he mentioned that he dated Rachel several years prior, and things just didn't work out so they broke up. I had a momentary "wait, she's an ex???" pause, but I got over it and never mentioned it. It probably helped that she now lives in a different state, roughly 10 hours away. In that same conversation he said that she had been wanting to come down and visit him to catch up and whatnot. I was not fond of this idea...but again, I dealt with and accepted it. My only stipulation was "please, don't do anything like a date! no candlelit dinners!". Mostly joking about that, haha. Anyway, her plans fell through and she couldn't make it.

 

A little while later, he brought up that he isn't even sure why he is still friends with her. According to him, they didn't talk much anymore, and when they did the conversations bored him. He also said that she is still interested in him, and that over the last few years she would randomly text him nude pictures, even if he was in a relationship. And cue me freaking the eff out. I immediately put my foot down and flat out told him I was not okay with this friendship because of that, and never will be, and he's crazy if he thinks I'm going to deal with this. I refused to sit around and wonder "oh, has Rachel sent him a picture today?" or, god forbid, if we were talking about "certain things" on the phone "did she try to initiate something like this when they were on the phone last?" I would have gone crazy! We argued a little, but after we both calmed down, he agreed and cut her out of his life completely. This guy and I ended up breaking up a couple months later because the distance was affecting our relationship.

 

But. We've been talking again for quite some time. And dating again, with us planning on me moving to be with him in the summer. When we first started talking again, I found out he had become friends with Rachel again. And...that he had contemplated getting back together with her for a little bit. He decided it would be a bad idea, but he also told me that she still loves him...and she apparently has the mindset of "oh, he'll come back to me someday!" He even told me, word for word, that if he were to get married TODAY, she would still think this.

 

Not okay with this! At all! If I hear one more thing about her, I'm going to just spontaneously combust. All he has to do is mention her name and I'm immediately irritated, if not totally pissed off that he's bringing her into our conversations. We did have another talk about this a couple months ago...I brought up how uncomfortable she makes me, because of what he's told me about her, and that it was hard for me to deal with. He said he didn't want to cut her off completely, since they've been friends for years and she's been there for him for a lot of BS. So we ended up agreeing that he wouldn't talk about her anymore, and as long as they weren't on the phone daily or for hours at a time, I'd shut up and deal with it. And he hasn't mentioned her lately. But every time I see her comment on his facebook, I just kind of go UGH, and close the page. And half the time she says things she realllly shouldn't be saying to him. Not like "if I were there with you, I'd...", but she definitely crosses the line.

 

So, after all that, I guess my question is... what the heck do I say to him about this? I can only imagine how much it will bother me after I move to be with him and actually listen to him be on the phone with her.

 

And please, don't think it's because she is a close girl friend that's bothering me, or the fact that she is an ex! He is friends with a couple other ex's, and his best friend is female, and I don't mind those friendships at all. What bothers me are the things he has told me about her. And the fact that she is SO disrespectful of his relationships and he's basically just let her do it. I'm super confused about this. Any advice would be amazing.

[MaybeMilitary]

Why does he want to stay in contact with someone that threatens his realtionships and that he admitted he gets bored talking to her? . . . Sounds a bit like a back up plan. Stay in contact in case type thing.

I think the first time you put your foot down was good. But now you and he have talked about it and you said he can talk to her but not bring her up constantly. Which you say he is doing. You should have said she made you too uncomfortable straight up because now he is doing what you asked and prob thinks everythings ok.

 

If you really aren't happy then better tell him you made a mistake when you thought you would be ok with it. Ask him if they arent that close would it really be a big deal for him to not talk to her?

Just remember, most ppl don't take too kindly to being told who they can be friends with so be gentle.

good luck

[darkmoon]

is it that he likes making you jealous? he knows it affects you so why is he doing this? for kicks? jealousy hurts and although ppl dismiss jealousy as a weakness, it can be that they are either rather too strong/hard to understand or or don't quite care about you enough to stop the games, he should not be putting you thru this, he might well go on to live and learn after you've dumped him

 

her or me would be what i would say, or maybe moving in with him would put her off,

[lingardx]

i've had to deal with the similar sort of thing. i started dating my current boyfriend in 2011 and he had known this girl for a few months before, and she was crazy obsessed with texting him and his friend. they didn't think it was weird. i started talking to her to try and not be so jealous but she was one of those people you knew you wouldn't get on with. she was also the same person who went to miami with my boyfriend in april 2012 (booked before he met me) and she'd post twitter updates about me.

 

i'd say 6 or 7 times a day she'd be texting him if he didn't reply to her texts, she'd say she was in love with him. it was quite creepy, none of his other female friends behaved like that

 

i think it was just after the holiday when he came back, he told her that she was a b*tch and he never wanted to speak to her again. and they haven't spoken since, he's got a new number. she still speaks to his friend. but his friend and his girlfriend actually broke up over her.

 

i'd say speak to the boyfriend, my boyfriend is so much happier now he doesn't get constant texts from her

 

x

[GSB81]

A similar situation brought me here. Your bf likes the attention and the warm fuzzy feeling of another option.

[venusianx13]

Okay, this is very simple: he saw her as a fall-back in case the two of you did not work out. Degrading position for her to be in, IMO. Still, though, it's not her, it's him. He hasn't drawn proper boundaries. HE needs to cut her off completely if he wants to be in a committed relationship with you. You've made your feelings clear on this matter and the ball is in his court. State very clearly, one last time, that you expect him to cease all communication with her, and then give it a couple of months. If by then he hasn't cut her off, you should then inform him that you won't be moving in and are no longer interested in a relationship.

[JennaMax]

you certainly had a lot to get out...but no, you shouldn't confused and you're not on the wrong. The fact that he's acting clueless saying he doesn't know why he's friends with her sounds like BS to me.

 

Saying this, you're in a difficult situation because I don't think he's going to stop talking to his female friends, ex's, etc. if he doesn't stop contact with his ex, I think you should move on and dump him because it's only going to be more pain for you in the end.

[GSB81]

It's sorta funny how if a guy creates a thread like this people tell him he's jealous, insecure, and has no right to tell his girlfriend who she can and can't talk to.