egalew Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Has anyone ever written a letter to the affair partner or spoke to him/her after the affair in an attempt not to get back together but to get closure? If not, how did you get closure? Tx Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 ExMM and I talked after I ended the affair with him - I never did get the closure that I wanted, honestly. I mean, we did discuss a lot of things, and that was helpful on some levels - but it also opened up a lot of other things that I then felt like I needed to discuss further. So, it was kind of a rock and hard place really. I found, for me, that not talking to him was better closure. That way, there was no new "material" to hash out. Inevitably, when you are talking to someone about the ending of a relationship, things will be said that hurt your feelings. Not that the other person is being malicious, but it's a painful time - so, one can be extra sensitive to things. So, as he and I talked, I really just got exhausted with it all - and finally thought to myself, why are we hashing all this out? We aren't together, aren't planning on being together - so there's really no need for us to process it together - which is what I think we were both trying to do. It didn't work for us - it just led to keeping that connection that I was trying to break. We did talk about a year later, and it was a good convo - we were both MUCH less sensitive and had moved on to an extent - and he was divorcing and single - so, it was a different thing then. But, had he stayed in the marriage - no, I wouldn't have pursued that or answered his call when he called. You can find closure on your own, without him or his feedback. And tbh, it's usually better that way from what I have seen. In that, you can have the results that you want without him messing it all up by talking (joking, sorry... lol)... But, you can write the letters - just don't send them. Burn them when you are done and let it go. It's very therapeutic to write things out - or even role play what you would say if you had the chance - and not having him actually there to talk back. That way, you get to say all you want to say and let it go - and move on. If you are truly wanting to move on, you may have to find that closure by yourself, without his input. I have had to do this with people close to me that have passed on - and obvs, I will never get to talk to them again and have the closure - so, I had to just do it myself without them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Closure is what you put on a bag to keep your sandwiches fresh! I don't think you can get closure from anyone else. Even if you wrote that letter what would it do for you? Would you secretly want a reply. If you didn't get one would you wonder why? If you did would you want to reply to that reply...... It could go on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 The so-called closure after a relationship is completely over is nothing more than looking for validation. But, this one is even worse because it serves no purpose. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Has anyone ever written a letter to the affair partner or spoke to him/her after the affair in an attempt not to get back together but to get closure? If not, how did you get closure? Tx Sure, but I emailed those letters to myself. I go back and read them every so often and realise, how much I have progressed, with time and NC. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Nope. Didn't get closure. Got an earful(or rather a textful lol) of abuse and a hideous tirade of carefully calculated nastiness from the "man" who said he loved me I have no letters to send. If he sends anything the only thing I will be tempted to say is "Sod the f**k off" even then I won't bother...any kind of acknowledgement or recognition on my part is more than he deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
TheOW Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Closure doesn't exist it's only an opportunity to get a response and maybe continue things again, don't lie to yourself that it not, we have been there, thought it and done it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Closure doesn't exist it's only an opportunity to get a response and maybe continue things again, don't lie to yourself that it not, we have been there, thought it and done it. TOW is right again! Closure is just a mechanism to get it on again. Closure is "hope" in disguise. Closure, also means I want to be validated. "I want to believe I meant something to you". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I agree. He told me that if we talk about our past R we will surely end up in bed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 ExMM and I talked after I ended the affair with him - I never did get the closure that I wanted, honestly. I mean, we did discuss a lot of things, and that was helpful on some levels - but it also opened up a lot of other things that I then felt like I needed to discuss further. So, it was kind of a rock and hard place really. I found, for me, that not talking to him was better closure. That way, there was no new "material" to hash out. Inevitably, when you are talking to someone about the ending of a relationship, things will be said that hurt your feelings. Not that the other person is being malicious, but it's a painful time - so, one can be extra sensitive to things. So, as he and I talked, I really just got exhausted with it all - and finally thought to myself, why are we hashing all this out? We aren't together, aren't planning on being together - so there's really no need for us to process it together - which is what I think we were both trying to do. It didn't work for us - it just led to keeping that connection that I was trying to break. We did talk about a year later, and it was a good convo - we were both MUCH less sensitive and had moved on to an extent - and he was divorcing and single - so, it was a different thing then. But, had he stayed in the marriage - no, I wouldn't have pursued that or answered his call when he called. You can find closure on your own, without him or his feedback. And tbh, it's usually better that way from what I have seen. In that, you can have the results that you want without him messing it all up by talking (joking, sorry... lol)... But, you can write the letters - just don't send them. Burn them when you are done and let it go. It's very therapeutic to write things out - or even role play what you would say if you had the chance - and not having him actually there to talk back. That way, you get to say all you want to say and let it go - and move on. If you are truly wanting to move on, you may have to find that closure by yourself, without his input. I have had to do this with people close to me that have passed on - and obvs, I will never get to talk to them again and have the closure - so, I had to just do it myself without them. I could have written this! EXHAUSTING def! When I was ending our A we would text straight for 2-3 hours and we really didn't get to anything. In the end, I was just so shocked at the turn of events. How he suddenly became a stranger. He was just so mad at me and I thought that I should be the one who should get mad. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Closure, also means I want to be validated. "I want to believe I meant something to you". I'm guilty of thinking this :o:o (running away with tail between legs...) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I'm guilty of thinking this :o:o (running away with tail between legs...) Ahh. don't feel bad. Lets take a look at this: Lets say I love A and A ends the relationship. However, I feel the door is open (hope). Lets say I love B and B ends the relationship. However, the door is closed, there is no hope. Which scenario do you prefer at the end of a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Ahh. don't feel bad. Lets take a look at this: Lets say I love A and A ends the relationship. However, I feel the door is open (hope). Lets say I love B and B ends the relationship. However, the door is closed, there is no hope. Which scenario do you prefer at the end of a relationship? I prefer scenario B I have a life of my own. I need to move on. Plus the things he said to me were less than pleasant. If ever I feel a tinge of hope in getting back together then you guys need to FedEx me a straitjacket and call for the men in white coats 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I prefer scenario B I have a life of my own. I need to move on. Exactly!!!!!!!!! So if the relationship is done why look for closure? Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Closure is just part of pop psychology. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Exactly!!!!!!!!! So if the relationship is done why look for closure? Maybe its about wanting to get in the last word. Have the upper hand. They ended it not you and you want to get the last little bit in. You want to hold a bit of power over them. Find out if they really cared. Why they said all this horrible stuff to you if they were telling you they loved you five minutes ago... ...So I guess at the heart of it, that goes back to your original point about validation? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Maybe its about wanting to get in the last word. Have the upper hand. They ended it not you and you want to get the last little bit in. You want to hold a bit of power over them. Find out if they really cared. Why they said all this horrible stuff to you if they were telling you they loved you five minutes ago... ...So I guess at the heart of it, that goes back to your original point about validation? You are on the ball!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think it is important to understand why we do what we do. I do it too. Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Hi my friend! We've had this discussion before and a letter is not going to give you closure, it is only going to open up a can of worms and make you feel worse. Continue what you have been doing (researching NPD, coming here, etc) and before you know it, he'll be a thing of the past. Most importantly, learn to love yourself and it will speed up the process 100x! (By the way, sorry for disappearing and deleting my email without explanation. It was something I had to do to help me move on; I hope you understand. I stopped posting here for a while too as part of the process, but "J" has been trying to get back in my mind so it helps to come back here at times.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Here is closure. "I can't speak to you anymore. If I do, my marriage is over. Our relationship can't work being 1500 miles apart. I love you and always will. Divorce your husband and go find someone who can love you like you deserve to be fulltime." Closure is pop psychobabble. What are you supposed to do? You know in an affair, you're doing something you're not supposed to. If it ends, because you got caught or our AP has overwhelming feelings of guilt, you know why. It doesn't matter. Over means over, don't look back. Why would I open up the opportunity to A. ruin my marriage, b. let my AP beat me down. I ended and went out on top. C. Why fall into the abyss of insecurity? Getting closure is opening Pandora's box. Nothing good will come out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
loredo21 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Hi my friend! We've had this discussion before and a letter is not going to give you closure, it is only going to open up a can of worms and make you feel worse. Continue what you have been doing (researching NPD, coming here, etc) and before you know it, he'll be a thing of the past. Most importantly, learn to love yourself and it will speed up the process 100x! (By the way, sorry for disappearing and deleting my email without explanation. It was something I had to do to help me move on; I hope you understand. I stopped posting here for a while too as part of the process, but "J" has been trying to get back in my mind so it helps to come back here at times.) can I ask what NPD is? Don't mean to t/j just curious Link to post Share on other sites
firstandlast Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 can I ask what NPD is? Don't mean to t/j just curious Narcissistic personality disorder. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 can I ask what NPD is? Don't mean to t/j just curious A very charming man that is smooth, knows what to say to the ladies at all times. Also appears very confident and optimistic. Someone that thinks he never does any wrong and that if anything goes wrong it is not his fault. Knows how to lie quite well and in a pinch also knows how to beg and manipulate. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Close the door and lock it behind you to get closure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Has anyone ever written a letter to the affair partner or spoke to him/her after the affair in an attempt not to get back together but to get closure? If not, how did you get closure? Tx I did. He didn't respond. But I felt at peace after and put him out of my mind. I would never do that again though. Type this incredibly long email and send it and have someone not respond? Nope! I'd write it and not send it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Close the door and lock it behind you to get closure. ...and don't forget to throw away or melt down all keys and master keys to make sure it is really closed and there is no way back 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts