Boyfriend is going to Cancun.

[annaliese7193]

Hi guys, I really need your advice/support. I'm not bothered if negative. Just need help!

 

Basically.. I've been with my partner for over 17 months now. It's the first serious relationship I've ever been in so as you can imagine it's quite intense! We see eachother a fair bit, But still do make time for our friends. Anyway. He went to Cancun this morning and I just cant seem to calm down/stop thinking of it.

 

Him and 7 of his friends have gone for Spring break, 5 of whom (Him included) are in relationships, They all maintain the same mantra that they are just going for 'fun'. He is sharing a room with another guy who is in a relationship and says he will contact me 'if/when possible'. Dont get me wrong I dont want him to ring/text me 24/7 it'd just be nice to receive one phone call after the two weeks to know he's safe!

 

Before going I informed him of my insecurities, Of which he knew about vaguely before as I've been cheated on before, He was very calming and reassuring. Saying he would never want to loose me, Wrote me a letter of his feelings informing me to not worry. He also gave me some comforts for when he is away (Necklace his late grandmother gave him, Clothes and aftershave) to cheer me up. He has also asked me to come and meet him at the bus station the day he arrives home, He says he will miss me millions and always calls me Princess.

 

I just cant seem to shake of the doubt/upset though. I do trust him, but not fully. Which I believe comes in time, and I do not trust some of his friends or the girls out there. I feel awful. I'm trying to keep myself busy by being at work, seeing friends/family and cleaning/being productive but this wont go. I feel awful and low!

 

He also went Magaluf last August, And seemingly didn't cheat (I obviously wouldnt of been told if he did!) He seemed quite excited/happy to see me when he came home and was very lovey dovey.

 

I just keep tormenting myself. I dont know what to do! Whats the culture like there? It seems like an easy place to cheat..

[Darren Steez]

7 friends are not going to go somewhere together and just drink and dance.

 

look not for me to make you more insecure but it's a lad's holiday. The mantra is what goes on there stays there..especially if they are all in relationships. He may be a decent bloke and who knows maybe he'll just drink and dance. But if the other lads are on the pull *british term for picking up women* what are the chances he's just going to hang back and not get involved?

 

He seems to be quite taken with these holidays. What are the chances that if you went on a girls only holiday his tune would change drastically?

[annaliese7193]

Hi thankyou for replying!

 

And thanks for being honest, No I completely agree.. Maybe thats what is not sitting right with me?

 

Yes true. He goes almost every year, Before this one I was promised it would be me and him going next year! I did suggest me going on a holiday and he seemed quite cool about it - It's just with my job i struggle getting the time of to be able to go with my friends! Eugh.. I dont know! I feel awful.

[lingardx]

my sort of boyfriend went to miami and disney land in florida last april, with another girl. his birthdays on the 2nd of april and he spent it with her.

 

i was sick with jealousy and i made it clear to him how i felt, but we texted each other every day (expensive i know) and he took pictures for me, i haven't seen them because i don't want to.

 

i hate the girl he went with, but he had already spent 2 grand on it, and it was booked two months before he had met me.

 

you're going to worry it's natural, but it sounds as if he's made it plainly clear that he will miss you too. my boyfriend was going to go to amsterdam with his brothers and some friends who are single and i put my foot down right away, i told him if he wants to go there he can do that but as a single person. i wouldn't bother putting myself through the hurt of never knowing what he's doing. seeing as his brothers all take drugs.

 

why don't you just talk with him? i was speaking to my boyfriend about me going on a girls holiday and as soon as i mentioned meeting guys he told me he didn't want me to go, so i basically said 'well you can understand me not wanting you to go to amsterdam then can't you' and it was resolved like that

 

maybe you can speak to him or a friend of his and just say, look if he cheats can i be the first person to know about it,

 

GL xx

[annaliese7193]

Hi, Thankyou for replying!

 

Yes I see where you are coming from, I did speak to him hence the 'comfort' efforts. And I see how it does seem he is going too miss me, But something just doesnt add up. Seems he is putting too much effort in as a cover up/distraction? I dont know..

 

Yeah, I mentioned a girls holiday and he seemed cool about it.. But unfortunately work don't permit me alot of time off! :/

 

He mentioned he wants to go with me next year, I'm in two minds whether to turn him down and either not go or go with the girls.. It seems he is only asking as the guys he has gone with (And previously gone with to Maga etc..) Are now taken also and their girlfriends will want to go away. I feel like a second option!

[Treasa]

I think you need to relax. If HE hasn't given you any reason not to trust him, then you should trust him. Don't make him pay for another dude's mistake. I've been cheated on by a boyfriend, but I don't assume other boyfriends will cheat.

 

If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat, and it doesn't matter where he is. Just because he's in Cancun doesn't mean he's going to do anything other than just hang out with his buddies.

 

If you really want to make him love you even more, don't ask for reassurances or promises. Just smile brightly, tell him to have a good time, and tell him he doesn't have to contact you. And then go and have your own life and have a good time.

[Keenly]

my sort of boyfriend went to miami and disney land in florida last april, with another girl. his birthdays on the 2nd of april and he spent it with her.

 

i was sick with jealousy and i made it clear to him how i felt, but we texted each other every day (expensive i know) and he took pictures for me, i haven't seen them because i don't want to.

 

i hate the girl he went with, but he had already spent 2 grand on it, and it was booked two months before he had met me.

 

you're going to worry it's natural, but it sounds as if he's made it plainly clear that he will miss you too. my boyfriend was going to go to amsterdam with his brothers and some friends who are single and i put my foot down right away, i told him if he wants to go there he can do that but as a single person. i wouldn't bother putting myself through the hurt of never knowing what he's doing. seeing as his brothers all take drugs.

 

why don't you just talk with him? i was speaking to my boyfriend about me going on a girls holiday and as soon as i mentioned meeting guys he told me he didn't want me to go, so i basically said 'well you can understand me not wanting you to go to amsterdam then can't you' and it was resolved like that

 

maybe you can speak to him or a friend of his and just say, look if he cheats can i be the first person to know about it,

 

GL xx

 

You told him you'd break up with him if he went to Amsterdam like he wanted to do? Wow you sound like a fantastic girlfriend.

[lingardx]

You told him you'd break up with him if he went to Amsterdam like he wanted to do? Wow you sound like a fantastic girlfriend.

 

judge all you want. i have my reasons.

this post isn't about me anyway so don't turn on me.

[Keenly]

Nobody knows how to trust anymore. So many unhealthy relationships because people make demands and use guilt trips that prevent their significant others from doing the.things they actually want to do and do you know what it does? It builds a steady stream of resentment until one day they look at you as the sole cause of why they couldn't go on those trips, or hang out with those friends, or go out to that party, because "my girlfriend said I couldn't "

[lingardx]

Nobody knows how to trust anymore. So many unhealthy relationships because people make demands and use guilt trips that prevent their significant others from doing the.things they actually want to do and do you know what it does? It builds a steady stream of resentment until one day they look at you as the sole cause of why they couldn't go on those trips, or hang out with those friends, or go out to that party, because "my girlfriend said I couldn't "

 

i do know how to trust but it's amsterdam. it's obvious what would happen, my boyfriend has a healthy social life. he wouldn't let me go on a girls holiday so why would i let him?

[Keenly]

he wouldn't let me go on a girls holiday so why would i let him?

 

 

How is that healthy exactly?

[ChessPieceFace]

I just keep tormenting myself. I dont know what to do! Whats the culture like there? It seems like an easy place to cheat..

 

I would think anywhere with people of the opposite sex would be an "easy place to cheat." Cheaters cheat, hardly matters where they are.

 

I would look at the friends he's with. What are they like? How would you judge their moral character? Do the ones in relationships openly objectify women? Have any of them cheated? Are they heavily involved in drinking & partying?

 

If he's given you no cause for concern, then look at it logically. Are you saying you would never let your BF go anywhere unsupervised? That's no way to have a happy relationship.

 

I believe in a healthy amount of suspicion and in poking around a little bit if your intentions are good. But I don't believe in harboring unwarranted suspicion. If you do that you're just creating the problem yourself.

[Keenly]

It is called boundaries... I trust my girlfriend but I also understand she is human... We all can fall into temptation in the right set up... most of the times the wise man/woman avoid that set up...

 

I have seen so many post of men who allowed her girlfriend to go to a strip club and then found out she gave oral to a guy in the club or where women gave permission to a guy to go to a strip club and it ended wrong as well..

 

It is not about permission... when you are in a relationship there are things that are common sense... If you like to live like a single individual then remind single...

 

 

your post is full of self contradictions. So you trust your girlfriend, but you don't trust your girlfriend to avoid temptation...therefore, you DON'T trust her.

 

You say its not about permission, but then you claim to have boundaries with where and when and who with your girlfriend goes where, so it IS about permission....

 

 

Where is the trust people.... Are we all so insecure that all we think about is our mate leaving us or cheating on us? This behavior means your relationship is based on a shaky foundation of trust.

[tman666]

I think you need to relax. If HE hasn't given you any reason not to trust him, then you should trust him. Don't make him pay for another dude's mistake. I've been cheated on by a boyfriend, but I don't assume other boyfriends will cheat.

 

If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat, and it doesn't matter where he is. Just because he's in Cancun doesn't mean he's going to do anything other than just hang out with his buddies.

 

If you really want to make him love you even more, don't ask for reassurances or promises. Just smile brightly, tell him to have a good time, and tell him he doesn't have to contact you. And then go and have your own life and have a good time.

 

I agree with this. I know it's hard not to worry, especially when you're this early on into a relationship, but you have to let go of your fears. Fear is what is controlling you right now. If he's going to cheat, he'll cheat. Eventually, the truth will come out.

 

Someone mentioned boundaries earlier, and I think this is spot on. If there is a mutual understanding that there will be immediate and final consequences (i.e. break up) to such behavior, then you don't have to worry about being walked on because you won't tolerate it.

 

Basically, I'm of the mindset that there's nothing a person can do to prevent from being wronged. What they can control is how they respond to it.

 

That said, don't ignore red flags. Trust, but verify.

[venusianx13]

Hi guys, I really need your advice/support. I'm not bothered if negative. Just need help!

 

Basically.. I've been with my partner for over 17 months now. It's the first serious relationship I've ever been in so as you can imagine it's quite intense! We see eachother a fair bit, But still do make time for our friends. Anyway. He went to Cancun this morning and I just cant seem to calm down/stop thinking of it.

 

Him and 7 of his friends have gone for Spring break, 5 of whom (Him included) are in relationships, They all maintain the same mantra that they are just going for 'fun'. He is sharing a room with another guy who is in a relationship and says he will contact me 'if/when possible'. Dont get me wrong I dont want him to ring/text me 24/7 it'd just be nice to receive one phone call after the two weeks to know he's safe!

 

Before going I informed him of my insecurities, Of which he knew about vaguely before as I've been cheated on before, He was very calming and reassuring. Saying he would never want to loose me, Wrote me a letter of his feelings informing me to not worry. He also gave me some comforts for when he is away (Necklace his late grandmother gave him, Clothes and aftershave) to cheer me up. He has also asked me to come and meet him at the bus station the day he arrives home, He says he will miss me millions and always calls me Princess.

 

I just cant seem to shake of the doubt/upset though. I do trust him, but not fully. Which I believe comes in time, and I do not trust some of his friends or the girls out there. I feel awful. I'm trying to keep myself busy by being at work, seeing friends/family and cleaning/being productive but this wont go. I feel awful and low!

 

He also went Magaluf last August, And seemingly didn't cheat (I obviously wouldnt of been told if he did!) He seemed quite excited/happy to see me when he came home and was very lovey dovey.

 

I just keep tormenting myself. I dont know what to do! Whats the culture like there? It seems like an easy place to cheat..

 

If he's still a young dude, he's going to cherish times/trips like these with his buddies. He's put forth a lot of effort to ease your mind, and that in itself is reassurring. Someone who was half-assed about the relationship wouldn't bother. However, the only thing I see as being an issue here is the part of your post that I've bolded. If and when? I'd let him go, but "if and when" would simply not be good enough for me. I'd understand that he could not be at my every beck and call, but you should certainly set a general "check-in" time that suits you both, either daily or every other day. When you've been in a relationship for some time, there's nothing more unsettling than feeling disconnected from your partner. Communication you can count on should help for this to be a bit easier for you.

[Drseussgrrl]

I'm sorry - but I've been to Cancun during spring break. Have any of you?

 

It's an absolute total drunken sh*t-show where all bets are off and people are doing things they wouldn't even fathom doing back home. Think wet t-shirt contests everywhere you look, drunken make-outs all around you, people hooking up on the beach, booze-cruises, you name it and it's going on. Basically the last place on earth I'd send my boyfriend with 6 of his buddies during spring break.

 

I'm not saying don't trust your boyfriend but basically everyone down there is single for the duration of the trip. Not once did anyone say, "Sorry, I have a gf."

 

I mean just check out these images:

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=spring+break+cancun&hl=en&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=HQ1KUZ-rFdKm4AOhq4GwBw&sqi=2&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1280&bih=685

Edited March 20, 2013 by Drseussgrrl

[tman666]

I'm sorry - but I've been to Cancun during spring break. Have any of you?

 

It's an absolute total drunken sh*t-show where all bets are off and people are doing things they wouldn't even fathom doing back home. Think wet t-shirt contests everywhere you look, drunken make-outs all around you, people hooking up on the beach, booze-cruises, you name it and it's going on. Basically the last place on earth I'd send my boyfriend with 6 of his buddies during spring break.

 

I'm not saying don't trust your boyfriend but basically everyone down there is single for the duration of the trip. Not once did anyone say, "Sorry, I have a gf."

 

I mean just check out these images:

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=spring+break+cancun&hl=en&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=HQ1KUZ-rFdKm4AOhq4GwBw&sqi=2&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1280&bih=685

 

That's certainly a good example of what her fears are, but to be fair, there are some places in and near Cancun that don't cater to the stereotypical college spring break "sh*tshow" crowd.

 

I sort of think that it could go either way. We don't know enough about her boyfriend and the group of friends to say one way or the other with certainty how this would go.

[Drseussgrrl]

That's certainly a good example of what her fears are, but to be fair, there are some places in and near Cancun that don't cater to the stereotypical college spring break "sh*tshow" crowd.

 

I sort of think that it could go either way. We don't know enough about her boyfriend and the group of friends to say one way or the other with certainty how this would go.

 

Maybe - but if 7-8 dudes are going together and they're college age, they aren't looking for a quaint, quiet resort to hang by the pool and read a book.

 

Let's get real.

[nofool4u]

A bunch of guys going on a man trip for spring break.

 

People can pretend all they want, but there is a reason guys and gals go on spring break without their significant others. And it isn't just to lay out on the beach and completely ignore the opposite sex.:rolleyes:

[annaliese7193]

4 of his friends are also in relationships.

 

From what you lot are telling me it seems inevitable.. I dont know if i should detach myself now and deal with the heartbreak sooner then later?

[tman666]

Maybe - but if 7-8 dudes are going together and they're college age, they aren't looking for a quaint, quiet resort to hang by the pool and read a book.

 

Let's get real.

 

Hahaha, most likely not. I was just playing devil's advocate in the absence of information.

[annaliese7193]

We are both 20.. I did speak to him and thats why he gave me the stuff for reassurance

[Drseussgrrl]

4 of his friends are also in relationships.

 

From what you lot are telling me it seems inevitable.. I dont know if i should detach myself now and deal with the heartbreak sooner then later?

 

Honey this happened to me in college, too. I couldn't afford to go on a trip and my then boyfriend went to Cancun with all of his buddies. I literally could not sleep for a week. It was awful.

 

About a month later, when I was on his family's computer an email came in from a girl who was looking for him, wondering if she had the right name (this was when the whole household would share an AOL account - back in the day LOL). She went on to explain that she had met him on spring break and that they had had a wonderful time, etc. I was so sick to my stomach.

 

It's not a guarantee that your boyfriend is going to cheat (obviously) on you but honestly, a dude in a serious relationship has no business going on a trip where there will be near-naked drunk women grinding up on him in clubs, wet t-shirt contests where the women get naked as people jeer and scream and shout, I mean you name it and he'll be surrounded by it and you get caught up in the momentum and you're wasted and the music is blaring in your ears and she is oh-so-hot and you're 2000 miles away in another country - and well you do the math.

 

It sucks I know - trust me. This is why people should remain single in college.

[Treasa]

I'm sorry - but I've been to Cancun during spring break. Have any of you?

 

It's an absolute total drunken sh*t-show where all bets are off and people are doing things they wouldn't even fathom doing back home. Think wet t-shirt contests everywhere you look, drunken make-outs all around you, people hooking up on the beach, booze-cruises, you name it and it's going on. Basically the last place on earth I'd send my boyfriend with 6 of his buddies during spring break.

 

I'm not saying don't trust your boyfriend but basically everyone down there is single for the duration of the trip. Not once did anyone say, "Sorry, I have a gf."

 

I mean just check out these images:

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=spring+break+cancun&hl=en&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=HQ1KUZ-rFdKm4AOhq4GwBw&sqi=2&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1280&bih=685

 

I am immediately booking a trip to Cancun.

[tman666]

4 of his friends are also in relationships.

 

From what you lot are telling me it seems inevitable.. I dont know if i should detach myself now and deal with the heartbreak sooner then later?

 

Ehhh, I still think it depends on what kind of guys they are. Having been around them for some time now, you hopefully have a good idea of how they act when they go out, get their drink on, etc. You should have at least some idea of their individual characters and how they act as a group.

 

I just think it's presumptuous of some of the folks on here to just assume that these guys are going down there with the intent to look for strange pussy. I think it's also presumptuous to say that if some of the group makes the choice to mess around, then ALL of the group will mess around.

 

Then again, if I were in your shoes, I would be concerned too. I think that's natural in the beginning stages of a relationship, especially if you care about the person. As I said before, ignoring gut feelings is a bad idea. I think your feelings of uneasiness regarding this should not go unchecked, but there's two things I know:

 

1) there's no way you can control him or what he does down there. Any attempts to keep tabs on him from afar will only get his and his friends' guard up. You would risk being viewed as the controlling, overbearing, jealous girlfriend, which only stacks the odds against you.

 

2) if I was serious about a girl I was in a relationship with, I would do everything in my power (short of cancelling the trip) to make sure she was well convinced that I wasn't down there ****ing around on her. I think his efforts to show you his sincerity so far are a good start, but I think you two should talk openly about how you're feeling about it, how he's feeling about it, and form an "action plan" together on how to reassure each other through this formative time in your relationship.

 

I think looking at his group of friends is a must. Your bf hangs out with them for a reason.