Boyfriend is going to Cancun.

[annaliese7193]

One of the lads rang their girlfriend again last night and ive still heard nothing

[sayyes19]

Question is... why would you want to go to Cancun in spring break to do something no one else is doing?

Why would you feel it would be more important to go than the comfort feeling of the person you claim to love?

 

You are young. I went to Panama City for spring break when I was 19. I saw boobs. I got drunk. I also ran on the beach with my buddy. It's about bonding with your friends and creating memories. I didn't touch another girl. I know it's not Cancun, but if you are going to cheat you eventually will.

[annaliese7193]

One of the girlfriends of the lads out there told me after speaking to her boyfriend again last night that my partner hasnt even made it out on one night, he is badly sunburnt and refusing to ring anyone. He hasnt even contacted his mother. What do you advise I do? Because if/when he rings if I mention it, it may cause an argument..

[Leigh 87]

Nobody knows how to trust anymore. So many unhealthy relationships because people make demands and use guilt trips that prevent their significant others from doing the.things they actually want to do and do you know what it does? It builds a steady stream of resentment until one day they look at you as the sole cause of why they couldn't go on those trips, or hang out with those friends, or go out to that party, because "my girlfriend said I couldn't "

 

 

For that reason, I have let my boyfriend go on one cruise, and one other party orientated trip to south east Asia. He did not go out of his way to look for a trip to go on at all, but his mates offered him a half price ticket. Being a travel lover he could not refuse.

 

I have been in the OP'S position. I had to make a decision; is the time I spend with my partner worth the risk (of him cheating)?

 

I decided that, as much as I HATED... HATED him going on those holidays, that I had to let him go. I would rather know sooner rather than later, if he loves me enough to not cheat. Better to know NOW if he cannot keep it in his pants when he is on a partying holiday, then ten years down the track.

 

You can never be entirely sure - but with my partner, I do NOT think he is the type who could cheat, and not tell me; I do not get the feeling from him, that he is the type of person who could do something really bad, without acting different, or something... (him telling me, him not acting right, or my intuition would likely inform of anything of a dubious nature)

 

Still though - I will never truly know. Neither will you! My parents, happily married for over 30 years - who knows? Maybe my father has betrayed her? It LOOKS very unlikely, given his character and his lover for my mother; but you just. never. know.

 

You can never 100% be sure of ANYTHING in life really, besides the fact that your alive and breathing right now! When it comes to cheating, even the most unlikely person could do it!

 

The best you can do is to:

 

- try to pick guys who look like they have a good character; for instance, guys with integrity and who treat others with respect

 

-pick guys who have not cheated before; of if they have, it was a one off incident that happened when they were younger, and they have since had long term relationships where they NEVER cheated

 

-try to pick guys who give you the impression that they would not be able to cheat or do something so bad, and not tell you

 

- you have a good gut feeling about them (you would be SURPRISED if they DID actually cheat, even though you feel bad about them leaving you to go on holidays)

 

...................................................................

[Leigh 87]

The main point I want to make is: anyone can cheat, so the best things you can do is:

 

- try to pick people who seam unlikely to cheat (that have a good character)

 

- make sure they make you happy enough to risk everything on!

 

For instance, I will not regret my time spend with my partner if he was to cheat. I have just been made so happy that as much as it would hurt, I would not want to take back the time I had with him.

[tuxedo cat]

then again... You allowed your boyfriend to use prostitutes.... I don't think your experience is really comparable with op's...

 

lmao.

 

,,,,,

[Archgirl]

Then again... you allowed your boyfriend to use prostitutes.... I don't think your experience is really comparable with OP's...

 

unless there's a lot more to "trip to cancun" than I previously suspected. Actually that would make so much more of this thread make sense

[MollyMarvelous]

Nobody knows how to trust anymore. So many unhealthy relationships because people make demands and use guilt trips that prevent their significant others from doing the.things they actually want to do and do you know what it does? It builds a steady stream of resentment until one day they look at you as the sole cause of why they couldn't go on those trips, or hang out with those friends, or go out to that party, because "my girlfriend said I couldn't "

 

You sound like the "cheater" and not the "cheated on." If my boyfriend or husband was going to a party/fantasy land every year, I'd be totally not ok with it. Once or twice is ok, but every year is a habit, an expensive one that brings two people that love eachother apart. Should she go on a girls trip to Jamaica every year, I hear the men out there are extremely friendly with the female tourists. Why cause so much stress? If you love your partner, why do you need a vacation from them?

[nofool4u]

One of the girlfriends of the lads out there told me after speaking to her boyfriend again last night that my partner hasnt even made it out on one night, he is badly sunburnt and refusing to ring anyone. He hasnt even contacted his mother. What do you advise I do? Because if/when he rings if I mention it, it may cause an argument..

 

Hmmm, sounds fishy. He can't even "ring" you to tell you how he is doing? Really?

 

Sorry, I don't buy it. He isn't "ringing" anyone because he is busy doing other things and can't be bothered with calling you. I'd say he is partying and you are the furthest thing from his mind. Otherwise he'd call you.

[JackD4niels]

This is a toughie. I see both sides. I believe people should let their S.O's do things like this without them. Im independent and like space and I wouldnt want anyone to rein me in. I dont like to control people and tell them what to do. However, with the number of people that cheat today and lie about it it is scary.

 

I have been on 2 trips similar to these. Lots of people I went with cheated on their partners. I am sure some of them were not planning on it but when people get into certain situations...few humans have the self control to say no.

 

I went on a trip to Australia for 2.5 months right after graduating from college with a group of 12 people including myself. Me and 2 other people were single, the other 9 had S.O's. 7 of those 9 people cheated...it was crazy. They were split between genders. Me and the other single people talked about it alot and it was disheartening.

 

Last year I went to the Netherlands for 6 weeks for a job I had at the time that did international business. I went with 6 other coworkers. Me and another guy were single, the other 4 were not. 2 of them cheated- 1 guy and 1 girl.

 

Im not saying this to scare you, but it is what it is and its human nature. Both of these trips however there was drinking, socializing with members of the opposite sex, hanging out with new people...if not perhaps there wouldnt have been so much cheating.

 

The guy above me who said he ran around drunk and naked around hot women and didnt cheat is a rare example.

 

Im sure alot of the people that cheated went home and pretended nothing was wrong. 2 of the the ones who cheated in Australia are now engaged to their partners. Im sure they have no idea what they did.

 

Just playing the devil's advocate here, but if two of them are engaged right now - don't you think it is a good thing they never found out about it? They might have broken up otherwise, while they are (hopefully) happily married now. I don't think you should throw away a great relationship based on one single mistake. Before I get personal attacks here - I have never cheated on any of my girlfriends in my life, despite going on Springbreak trips and being other settings where I was surrounded by a lot of beautiful women. Personally, I think it's a sign of weakness to cheat, but under certain circumstances, it can happen.

 

On the other hand, if my girlfriend would cheat on a springbreak trip, we were probably not meant to be in the first place. It's better to find it out sooner than later. If you 'test' this in a relatively early stage in a relationship, you know you can trust your SO later in life as well. Yes, some relationships might grow, but I don't think cheating has a lot to do with not loving your partner enough - it's about respecting the other person. And quite frankly, I would not want to be with a girl who acts so respectless towards people in general. [Please note I am not talking about a one time incident here]

[camillalev]

but if two of them are engaged right now - don't you think it is a good thing they never found out about it?

 

OP, if your bf decides to cheat, this is the mindset he'll be using. There are plenty of people who want to have their cake and eat it too.

[JackD4niels]

I dont care if you havent cheated on your girlfriends Jack. With your mindset Im sure you will cheat on one eventually though and then rationalize the hell out of it.

 

So why in the same paragraph do you say its good these women never found out, yet then say later if YOUR girlfriend cheated on you youd rather know sooner than later? Well with that entitled attitude, I hope your future wife cheats on you and then later tells people "well its good he never found out"

 

I think it's a bit immature to get personal here, don't you think?

 

It was a hypothetical scenario that I started with the phrase 'playing the devil's advocate' (i.e. taking a position for the sake of the debate - not a point of view personally agreed upon) and ended with a question mark. I merely stated you should not throw away a great relationship based on a single mistake. People are not calculating and rational beings. You can get swept away in the moment and make a stupid irrational mistake. Why ending something really beautiful over this?

I'm just conflicted with the scenario where you are living a perfectly good life, happily married and kids and you cheated on your partner 10 years ago during a college trip, while knowing your partner would respond 'irrational' and perhaps end the relationship. You would wreck so many things here that could have been left undamaged. On the other hand, this should not have been the decision of the cheater, but the partner who is cheated upon. He/she should make the call whether he/she wants to continue the relationship - hence I support the view if somebody cheats, he/she should immediately tell their partner. Just pointing out it's a little bit more complicated if you are 10 years later in the process.

 

To get back to my personal example - if my girlfriend would tell me right now she cheated on me a year ago, I would never break up with her (given it was a one time incident and not something that has been going on for a prolonged period of time). I've never been in a relationship where I felt such a deep unconditional love for a girl. So no, I would never end a relationship over a stupid irrational decision.

 

P.s. I am as disgusted as you are with regards to people bragging about how they cheated on their partner.

Edited March 28, 2013 by JackD4niels

[JackD4niels]

Honestly your "hypothetical" scenario sickens me..

 

If someone cheated on me 10 years ago and I would find now I would not only break the relationship because she cheated but because she had me in the shadows of a lie and misrepresented herself to keep me hostage of her lie for 10 years... She would have taken MY right to decide if I want to live my life with her or not! She would be worse than a cheater.. she would be a fake too...

 

Cheating is wrong, very few things are worse than cheating on your partner... the one easy to mention here is to cheat and not confess... it is destroying two of the pillars of any relationship trust and honesty in one go!

 

Would you honestly end a marriage - resulting in a divorce when you are having kids, over a mistake your girlfriend made in the early stages of your relationship 10 years ago, who stood by you through thick and thin all these years, but was in that stage just too scared for your reaction?

[Wanting1]

Would you honestly end a marriage - resulting in a divorce when you are having kids, over a mistake your girlfriend made in the early stages of your relationship 10 years ago, who stood by you through thick and thin all these years, but was in that stage just too scared for your reaction?

 

Definitely, cheating is not a "mistake". It is a choice, a very bad one. One thing you are not taking into account is that it's not a one time "mistake" and done. It's a secret, a lie by omission, that is sitting there like a time bomb in the relationship. Maybe the betrayed partner never discovers it, but that does not mean it doesn't have an effect on the relationship. At the very least, getting away with it, may lead the cheater to make that same "mistake" again in similar circumstances in the future. Without consequences, people rarely learn not to repeat bad behaviors.

 

Another thing you don't consider is that 10 years in, the cheater has had plenty of time to process what they did and put in the pasts. When the betrayed discovers it, emotionally it is as if it has just happened. You cannot argue that they should get over it because it happened 10 years ago. They didn't have the luxury of 10 years to deal with it. If they found out about it 24 hours ago, then to them, it just happened 24 hours ago. With the added caveat, that their relationship is based on a lie. And what else have they lied about? Everything after the cheating is called into question.

 

Even if someone wants to reconcile, it's alot to get over and deal with.

 

One last thing, yes, people do make mistakes and bad choices. But OP's boyfriend has chosen to put himself in the path of tremendous temptation. Perhaps he is strong enough to withstand it. I have no idea. But I got some very good advice once that I follow in my life. "If you don't want to be tempted, don't put your self in the path of temptation." That's not happening here. If he does cheat, I'm sure he would say, "It just happened. I didn't mean for it to happen." But it didn't just happen did it? (Not that it has. Hopefully.)

[Leigh 87]

Then again... you allowed your boyfriend to use prostitutes.... I don't think your experience is really comparable with OP's...

 

 

 

And that was before we became a serious couple.

 

He was that sort of person, and I wanted him to see if he needed other women before we became a couple.

 

Look, we have different values obviously, you look down on any guy who sees a hooker..

 

 

The thing is - my boyfriend is a guy who truly loves me as much as HE can love a women - and this IS relevant to the OP, because my bf has been to party destinations, and he NEVER felt like cheating.

 

I know him; he may be a guy who has seen a lot of hookers before in his past, but even a guy like HIM, will not cheat if he really loves a girl.

 

My example should even more reinforce the fact that cheating is NEVER okay - because my boyfriend was a guy who loved the single life and NEVER wanted a girlfriend before me - and even a guy like HIM, who HATED the idea of long term commitment, changed when he realised he cared about me and loved me ( to the extent to wanting to be with me every day and not be with other women intimately)

 

No guy worth the OP"S time, will cheat. That is all I meant by my post.

 

The fact my bf hated the idea of marriage and relationships before me, and got around with hookers a lot before me and thought it was totally acceptable and normal, highlights the fact that if HE can keep it in his pants, then so should her young boyfriend, if he values their relationship enough.

 

The thing is though; most young guys, that are 20 or younger, DON'T value relationships. That is why my own boyfriend always broke up with his "girlfriends", because he was never serious about wanting a long term relationship, the way more girls seam to be at a younger age then boys ( who are ready for long term R's)

 

I met my boyfriend when he was not mentally ready or wiling for a relationship, only for him to come back to me and realise he couldn't not be with me, against his beliefs and wishes (He did not want a relationship, but realised he wanted one with me)

 

................The question I want to know about the OP"S boyfriend is: is he still in the "going out and partying with friends and having casual sex stage", or; has he met the OP and realised that he is happier with her, than he would be single and partying with other hot babes.

[Leigh 87]

Animalover - !

 

Yes, we do not agree on certain things; prostitutes and casual sex are things you do not agree with or associate with in your personal life. You also do not have friends who are like this.

I, on the other hand, ended up being with a man who saw hookers! We have very different values about these things I mentioned.

 

Besides those things though, we are more similar in our values than you may realise - we both want a committed, long term relationship, without cheating involved.

We would both rather be single, than with a person who is not 100% into us, and who is not 100% committed to a relationship with us.

We both want to be with someone, where we feel like we do not have eyes for any other person.

 

My boyfriend has a bad past in my opinion - but he is a guy who is 100% in love and committed to me now, despite the fact he had a dubious past before we got together (with hookers)

 

You would not trust a person like this and that is fine! But my point is - in the end, my guy decided that: he wanted to be more than friends with me, and he was very happy to give yup his old way of life, that was partying with women and seeing hookers.

 

If the OP'S boyfriend is like my guy, he will choose to give up the casual sex before they get together, just like my boyfriend did.

[Leigh 87]

I agree with the situational thing....

 

Most guys who are serious about their partners would not go out to clubs every weekend without their girlfriends, I am assuming!

My boyfriend once went out every weekend to the clubs when I first met him, which is exactly why I never wanted anything serious with him at first.

 

Now days, he has naturally stopped going to clubs, and instead, he plays poker with his friends every weekend. At his friends house, with all the guys.

For the same reason (having me), he also cancelled his around the world travel plans, because obviously he di not want to go around the world the way a single man would, partying with girls a lot of the time.

 

I have had to deal with what he OP is going through though, because; even though my boyfriend never really puts himself in those types of situations that single men tend to put themselves in, he WAS offered half priced tickets on two occasions.

 

The question should be; has the OPS boyfriend often put himself in that sort of position? Does she already know he is the type who will not cheat?

 

At his age, a lot of guys go out to clubs, or go out to clubs or house parties - I wonder if the OP'S boyfriend always does those things WITHOUT her, and this spring break trip is his first time away from her?

 

Personally, my boyfriend learnt on his second trip away from me, that he did no longer want to go on holidays where a lot of partying was going on;because while one day occasionally is fine to go clubbing, such as a bachelor party, it is really not his scene anymore for more than a day or two at a time!

 

The first trip was a family cruise ship, and not a young persons trip, so he was like "okay, it is fun to get drunk and act like idiots, it is a bit of immature fun"

The second time he was like " man, it sucks being attached and going on a partying holiday; I just feel like hugging in bed with my girlfriend the day after a big night, it sucks to not have someone close to me to look after me when I get sick, and what the heck is the appeal of clubbing repeatedly if I am not going to hook up with a girl?

 

I am sure some men DO like clubbing with their male friends, but on average, most men who are in serious relationships would like to again and again, go clubbing without their girlfriends; that WOULD be unusual.