Pregnant

[Mycatsnuggles]

She's pregnant. This was always my stop point and now it's here.

 

I have been seeing him for 2 and a half years both married with that something missing in our relationships. An emptiness that feels complete since finding each other. We fit so well together. It's not easy being apart more then we want,I know it's not a real relationship. We never planned on being together full time. We also initially never thought we would be together 2 years. He would ask me in the beginning when do we stop. I always said when she gets pregnant.

 

He told me she had fertility problems. Was taking pills then shots they argued about sex because he didn't want it enough. They started artificial inseam.

 

It's here now. She is. I am happy for him. Yet feel kicked in the chest. Inadequate kept going thru my mind. I wished it could be me having his baby. I will pull back. And allow him space.

 

He says this shouldn't mstter. We have been together 2 years he cried when he told me. He remembered what I had said. He doesn't want to end.

 

I know I will be kicked in the ass for this post. How could he???? How could I??

I agree it's wrong. I worry about her finding out and it causing too much stress I worry about everything between him and I, yet I want him in my life. Even if as only friends. Why does being with this one person feel so good, in all ways not just sex emotionally I feel content when were together if its so wrong?

[TheOW]

It sounds like they are have a baby to salvage their marriage ? It won't work he will cheat again given time, or she will.

 

Truthfully the best thing to do is walk away, say what needs to be said to him and let him go - if you keep continuing you will get hurt real bad!! Cut all contact from him, it will be torture, lots of tears, lots of unexpected tantrums, it feels a lot like bereavement, that's the only way to describe it.

[LFH]

So, I am wondering, why is this your stopping point? Why was it not when he told you they were actively trying? I'm just trying to gauge why this is a dealbreaker for you but other things aren't.

[Sarabi]

I think I'd dump his stupid ass just for being an imbecile.

 

LOVE IT :D:D!!!

Lol

[Sarabi]

Inadequate kept going thru my mind. I wished it could be me having his baby.

 

Awwwww no why do you feel inadquate? I would venture to think its something within you that makes you think you are inadequate and not something he has ever done to you to make you feel inadequate(please tell me he never made you feel inadequate?)

 

Sorry to say this...but I am happy for you that you are not the one who is pregnant with his baby. Can you imagine? A baby in this situation? I think this poor baby is a sticking plaster for such a mess and so much confusion...

Didn't you say you were married anyway so at least you don't have the burden of being pregnant with someone else's baby.

If you had been pregnant, what would happen? Would he be there for you for the scans and birth etc.? Would he pay for the care of the baby? Would this baby have a right to know its father and his family (grandparents/aunts/cousins etc.) or would it all be a secret? What would you tell your husband? If you WERE the one having his baby imagine if he was cheating on you whilst you were pregnant would it be worth it?

 

Anyway. Sorry if it hurts you...but honestly, you are lucky you can walk away without any lasting ties to this man.

Hope you'll be ok in time

[TheOW]

It amazes me how people think you can turn off ur feelings for someone after 2 years, married or not that is a long time to intimately and personally know someone.

 

I can imagine you didn't want it to continue this long and you's expected it to finish earlier than this ? But you's kept making up excuses not to finish blah blah and now his wife is pregnant and you must walk away.

[Pierre]

It sounds like they are have a baby to salvage their marriage ? It won't work he will cheat again given time, or she will.

 

Truthfully the best thing to do is walk away, say what needs to be said to him and let him go - if you keep continuing you will get hurt real bad!! Cut all contact from him, it will be torture, lots of tears, lots of unexpected tantrums, it feels a lot like bereavement, that's the only way to describe it.

 

Great post TOW!!

 

I think the poster is living in a fake non-authentic manner and that is a lot of work and stress.

[Pierre]

She's pregnant. This was always my stop point and now it's here.

 

I have been seeing him for 2 and a half years both married with that something missing in our relationships. An emptiness that feels complete since finding each other. We fit so well together. It's not easy being apart more then we want,I know it's not a real relationship. We never planned on being together full time. We also initially never thought we would be together 2 years. He would ask me in the beginning when do we stop. I always said when she gets pregnant.

 

He told me she had fertility problems. Was taking pills then shots they argued about sex because he didn't want it enough. They started artificial inseam.

 

It's here now. She is. I am happy for him. Yet feel kicked in the chest. Inadequate kept going thru my mind. I wished it could be me having his baby. I will pull back. And allow him space.

 

He says this shouldn't mstter. We have been together 2 years he cried when he told me. He remembered what I had said. He doesn't want to end.

 

I know I will be kicked in the ass for this post. How could he???? How could I??

I agree it's wrong. I worry about her finding out and it causing too much stress I worry about everything between him and I, yet I want him in my life. Even if as only friends. Why does being with this one person feel so good, in all ways not just sex emotionally I feel content when were together if its so wrong?

 

I bet you would leave your H in a heartbeat if this man was willing to end his marriage. But, it seems he wants to be married and to have kids with his wife.

[ComingInHot]

MyCat... First allow me to say that I am sad you are hurting So much.

 

I Am confused though and hope you can explain*

 

You understood the MM & his W were actively trying to conceive, right?

Yet you were "okay" with getting together w/him Knowing he was getting it on w/his W.

There was No lying or misleading there correct?

 

I guess I'd like to hear from you the "why" you were alright w/this and now the "why" you are Not alright w/this.

 

On your behalf, I Don't think you should be feeling inadequate w/MM unless you were competing to conceive also.

 

If you were going to felt any sort of inadequacy, I would think it would be w/in your own M & family as you are emotionally "away" and possibly physically away from them while being w/or thinking about your A partner.

 

I am genuinely interested in your explanation.

[waterwoman]

In normal circumstances, I absolutely agree that bringing a baby into a bad relationship only makes things worse. However, in cases of infertility, it can be the infertility (and the related depression, huge hormonal shifts, sex feeling like a chore, etc) that is the primary cause of marital strife. Now that she is pregnant, I bet she is going to be generally happier, more loving toward her husband, mood more stable, etc. Their relationship should greatly improve. How will that affect your A if you continue to have one?

 

Exactly! Infertility might well have been the fly in the ointment.

[loredo21]

I'm sorry you are hurting. This is not the type of man you want in your life. My exMOM claimed he never wanted kids and his wife "forced" him (yeah right) using sex and the fact that her mother was dying as a weapon to get him to impregnate her. They all know that a BABY is going to come out of all of this, don't they? And bringing a baby into the world under these circumstances is so wrong. Poor kid is going to come here with no choice but to be based on lies and deception. Just wait til he starts talking about how he doesn't even like the kid. That's REAL attractive! Mine did. Yet him and W are trying for another one...psh. Sorry I guess I'm on my own little rant, but it will NEVER end. They will try for another one in a few years. And where does that leave you? Trust me you do not want to have a child with someone like that. Be strong and walk away! he's made his choice. And out of respect for the little one about to come just end it. GL!

[whichwayisup]

Detach. Re focus on your life, your friends, and reconnect with your husband. Maybe now is the time to figure out if you want to stay married to him. You are in love with someone else. Reguardless of what happens now between you and your MM, it's obvious your marriage is over and you don't feel for your husband. Maybe consider doing some counseling to help you make a decision..

 

As for MM, don't make him choose between you and his wife and baby. He obviously hasn't thought this through at all.

 

The A has to end.

 

Friendship is impossible, but you'll probably want to try to see if it'll work. Everybody knows it's really hard to be friends with someone you love and can't have.

[veryhappy]

I agree that the A might have been a way for him to cope with the infertility issues.

 

Walk away. If their M will improve, you won't want to heat about it, and if it won't work and you stay you'll be a bandaid to keep things status quo for him. Leave them alone to live their life.

 

The way you feel is how we all felt when realizing the end was imminent. Affairs are only fun while happening, and dealing with ending one can be a pretty devastating experience.

 

You say you wished you carried his baby. Been there. Even if there were no plans to be together, you at least wished for that. End the A and start grieving, because the sooner you start, the better for you.

 

One more thing. Do not take his desire to keep you around as love. It's a mix of a lot of things, but it's not him doing the best for you.

[Mycatsnuggles]

I have to say I wasn't attacked (yet?) the way I thought I would be. Thank you for that. He is a good person I don't expect you to understand his reasoning, we did discuss " getting out before kids", culturally it was not an option. Won't discuss it further but I understand his position. I to remain in a M w a person I am good friends w enjoy his company but am not in love with. With OM there is just something there. I can't describe it beyond the feelings of excitement and contentment combined when we are together. We fit, we understand each other. I actually knew the day they found out, I could just feel it. We have a connection.

 

He has always been up front about his relationship and feelings. He has to be because we can sense when something is off. He is happy about the baby and yes I agree the stress of infertility has overflowed into their relationship.

 

Knowing he wanted a child I had a momentary pang of wishing it could be ours. That we could be together. Perhaps in another lifetime. The feeling of inadequate was only related to not being the one to have his child. I do not want a baby with him or anyone lol already have my own. He DEFINITELY has never made me feel inadequate. I feel so comfortable with him. I told him these feelings. All of them. He has strong shoulders and can handle my emotions. I am glad my first reaction was of happiness for him. Yes I wonder how we continue. Now as to why this makes a difference.

 

Time with me will be time taken away from his child. I don't know why it makes a difference. It just does. Nearly everyone on here feels a man cheating on a preg wife is different then a non preg wife? Why? It just is.

 

We stay together because we provide the emotion we are missing in our marriages. Leaving each other means losing that. We have both tried "to fall in love w our others". Can you make yourself fall in love. Can I learn not to love him?

[Mycatsnuggles]

Cute dragon thought provoking post thank you.

[yessy21]

why are you doing this to yourself?

 

If he loved you.. he would have stopped trying to have a baby. Im sorry but its my honest opinion. If he felt anything stronger than lust then he would have stopped her at the fertility treatments and said "Hey, Im not ready." but he didnt because thats who he cares for most. and it sounds like if it wasnt you it would have been anyone else.

 

you cannot maintain contact. have some respect towards yourself, that poor woman who just conceived a baby with the love of her life, and that baby that has no fault. you would not like it if you were her and he was doing what you both are doing. Thats disrespectful towards all parties.

[yessy21]

Baby i think your in denial. "He is a good man?"

 

A good man does not lie to his wife and make her believe that he is in love with her while sleeping with another woman and trying to have children with her.

 

A good man will tell his wife. IM in love with another woman. I cant do this to you... or her because i actually love her."

 

A good man wouldnt EVER think of bringing a child into this world with a full blown affair going on.

 

Im sorry that your in pain but you need to understand that what he feel is excitment and chemistry. not love.

you need to get out of this denial that you have.

 

key points that you are in denial:

 

1.He is a good person I don't expect you to understand his reasoning,

2.We fit, we understand each other.

3.We have a connection.

4.We stay together because we provide the emotion we are missing in our marriages. (actually you stay together because to him, you are willing and able)

 

you fell for his tactics of wanting some attention that his wife wasnt giving him possibly because she was so focused on having a child and preparing that life that she wanted the baby to come into.

I again apologize that you were convinced that you "belong together."

I send you hugs and love and support but honey open your eyes and put a lock on your heart... the only key holders should be your husband and your children.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Frozen sprouts. What a kind post you made. It shows what an amazing person you must be to post so thoughtfully to an OW despite being a BS. I don't think I would be as generous if our positions were reversed.

 

I have thought often of his "other". Not mean vengeful thoughts, but how i am hurting her, how i interfere in their relatiionship. My biggest concern is her finding out and oit causing stress... Yes I want to step away and allow them to reconnect. I want to bw the bigger person. I don't know that I am strong enough to do this. Why I came here for some bashing to assist me. I asked him after he told me, should we talk about ending it? Honestly I want him to. I know that when he does it will be over. He will be gone forever and I will be (hopefully) a pleasant memory. My hope for now is to make it thru the next few days without contacting him.

 

I won't attempt to explain the relationship, it makes sense to him and I, we understand each others position. Perhaps why we are drawn to each other. We just get each other. I don't intend to hurt when I say this but despite loving my H there has always been something missing in our relationship, I was faithful for many years, until him. There is something about him, when were apart I feel discontent until he is there again.

 

Please let me be strong.

[Mycatsnuggles]

But this is the argument which keeps me in the affair.

 

I have never been so fulfilled sexually in my life. Your satisfied with both relationships as they stand. Why give this up?

 

I realize this is INCREDIBLY selfish. It's also honest.

[Mycatsnuggles]

You know you are hurting two innocent people. H loves you like no tomorrow if he could fulfill you he would. You've tried to teach him. Keep trying. Eventually his libido should slow down and he may be able to focus on something besides himself. He's a good man and doesn't deserve being treated this way. You thought about D and decided to stay be "all in". Stop looking for the rainbow it doesn't exist.

 

What you have with OM isn't real it's a fantasy. A lovely lovely fantasy which can never be real.

[waterwoman]

Oh cat I can't berate you, you seem so sad and confused. You know you have no choice it's just very difficult. Is it possible to make yourself fall in love? Yes, I believe it is, assuming he isn't actively violent or disgusting to you. Love is a verb as people on LS love to repeat, but love is also an act of will. I suffered from severe post-natal depression after my d was born. I felt nothing for her apart from irritation for a long while, I couldn't love her like I loved my older child. So I made myself- I looked at all the things that were wonderful about her, I forced myself to spend special time with her, to praise her, to appreciate her. And it worked. Because if you doubted your h was worthy of love you would not still be with him. MM is now out of the picture- by your decision - and that will allow you to focus on your real life.

[MEJ76]

Hi, there, just thought I'd throw in my perspective as a former OW, a mommy and pregnant woman ...

First, what a confusing time for all of you, I am sorry you are hurting

We started our family in our late 30s after several years of life and hormone issues delaying our plans. I know that pang so well. I also know the pain of leaving an EMA. Please keep talking it all out, although I am new to posting, I have been reading here for a while and have found solace and good advice.

 

As a pregnant woman now, but especially with my first pregnancy, I have felt incredibly vulnerable at times - in scary ways and in really positive marriage-building ways with my husband.

 

You love this man. Love his child and give that child the opportunity to have his Daddy's attention fully on their little family. If you and OM wind up together in the end and out in the open, then so be it. In the meantime, I encourage you to step away now so it will be easier on all of you. Again, I am sorry you are hurting, please hang in there.

Edited March 21, 2013 by MEJ76
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[georgia girl]

First, I am so sorry you are in pain. You love this man deeply and I can see that the thought of this relationship ending is very hurtful.

 

I just have to ask, though, why this man? He was willing to cheat on his spouse, which doesn't make him good partner material. But, on top of that, he was willing to do it while they were actively engaged as a couple in conceiving a child. And regardless if she wanted it more than him, what kind of man cheats on his wife while trying to conceive a baby? I'm sorry, but there are certain things in this world that make you a man and certain things that make you less than a man. In my opinion, he isn't a man.

 

This is not to belittle your hurt because its very real. But perhaps take a look at him objectively. He was willing to risk his wife's emotions and bring a baby into the world at the same time that he's willing to risk yours. I hate to be blunt, but make a lucky, lucky escape now.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Lady Grey - I often wondered in my marriage what all the fuss was about sex, until I met HIM. I get it now. Yes the sex is that amazing. He discovered things about me I never knew. He loves to please a woman. I love to please him. So much I orgasim when I do. Is it the illicit nature of the affair, are we soulmates, I do not know. While I wish I could transfer these feelings to my H I cannot. I never had this with him, I tried for years its just not there.

 

Sprout - I am hiding from feelings with MM. Sure of course I am. While I love H he and I will never have the sexual relationship I wish we could BUT MM taught me to demand H treat me differently. MM gave me the strength to do things in my personal life I never felt strong enough to do on my own. He told me I was a strong woman and I became one with his encouragement.

 

ME- he is a good person. I know from the little I say here he appears selfish and self centered. He is not. He is very generous and kind. His wife is not unhappy, he gives to everyone. He found me because he was lonely and felt empty. We are not bad people we are doing a bad thing. I want to step away to allow him to be there for his family. Its just hard.

 

I have read people come into our lives to teach us a lesson, I know he has made me a stronger more self confident woman. I have helped him to. I want to set him free, not to see if he will come back because we will always be a part of each other even if we are not together. Leaving now when we are still happy and in love will allow us to keep the beautiful memories of our time together.

[ThatJustHappened]

Well you can get good sex from somewhere else, maybe if you got real with your hubby, he might fulfill that for you or else leave and look for it with a single man as a single person yourself.

 

When OW say this I really don't understand it, it leaves me scratching my head wondering what is at work underneath to make sex with mm that much more great than other men. Is it the heightened feelings because of the sneaking around, the fact that you don't have real life responsibilities and that you can shut out the rest of the world, etc, etc.

 

Sex with my xmm was not all that. I've had a hell of a lot better.

 

I bet you have LG, you saucy minx!

 

OP, you do have it in you to be strong enough to resist. You just have to take it slowly. At first, you go hour by hour..a whole hour will go by and you won't have contacted him..so you go for 2, then 3, then suddenly it's a whole day. Then it's a week. Then a month. It hurts and it's awful, but that method works.