Relationship dynamics as an OW

[LFH]

I'm addressing this topic specifically to OW because I don't know that it relates AS much to OM, but I'd certainly value their input as well. Respectful answers from BS or WS are welcome too, but as I am looking for first hand input, not as heard from, not opinions on the behavior of someone else, but first hand experiences I don't know if there will be much to add unless you have been in this situation directly.

 

While in your EMA, were your relationship dynamics and interactions with him different than they have been with other (single) boyfriends/partners/spouse/etc.

 

Other than small allowances, did you change the way you personally interacted in your relationship or did you pretty much carry on as you would have with any other guy?

 

I'm curious to know if some of the relationship scenarios play out the way that they do because of it being an EMA or if it's directly linked to the way a person normally interacts.

 

If, for instance, you wanted to be with him all the time, is that a trait you've noticed in yourself with all your relationships or is that "new" to this one, the EMA.

If you are willing to let him set the parameters of the relationship does that show a pattern with your other life experiences.

 

Thanks so much for your input on this, I hope we can have a really great discussion on this topic.

[Silly_Girl]

I just answered this elsewhere! I was the same, I am a couple-y kinda gal, although I have some strong, long-term friendships. I am a homebody. I like to include my son in my social life. I like to spend free time with family (partner/son). I work long hours and like to make the most of the hours I am not at my desk.

 

I think I approached the relationship the same as I would any other. That probably explains why I was impatient and was very keen to get to a non-affair stage, because he couldn't give me 100% of what I wanted whilst he maintained the facade of marriage. Almost, but not quite 100%.

[LFH]

I think it was that thread that made me wonder about it SG

I believe that the reason I am able to be happy in my relationship is because I haven't really compromised any of what I want, I have the same expectations that I would have of any guy and I've left it up to him to make that happen.

I don't know... I could be totally wrong, but I think the fact that I've kept my own power has allowed me to stay "me" throughout this.

Edited March 20, 2013 by LFH

[Pierre]

I'm addressing this topic specifically to OW because I don't know that it relates AS much to OM, but I'd certainly value their input as well. Respectful answers from BS or WS are welcome too, but as I am looking for first hand input, not as heard from, not opinions on the behavior of someone else, but first hand experiences I don't know if there will be much to add unless you have been in this situation directly.

 

While in your EMA, were your relationship dynamics and interactions with him different than they have been with other (single) boyfriends/partners/spouse/etc.

 

Other than small allowances, did you change the way you personally interacted in your relationship or did you pretty much carry on as you would have with any other guy?

 

I'm curious to know if some of the relationship scenarios play out the way that they do because of it being an EMA or if it's directly linked to the way a person normally interacts.

 

If, for instance, you wanted to be with him all the time, is that a trait you've noticed in yourself with all your relationships or is that "new" to this one, the EMA.

If you are willing to let him set the parameters of the relationship does that show a pattern with your other life experiences.

 

Thanks so much for your input on this, I hope we can have a really great discussion on this topic.

 

 

Honestly, I believe OW/OM is the best of both worlds for those that do not want a typical relationship. Some OWs/OMs can remain in the early romantic stage for much longer than typical relationships in the open.

 

In other words, in retrospect: Dating is more exciting than being married 20 years later.

[Silly_Girl]

I think it was that thread that made me wonder about it SG

I believe that the reason I am able to be happy in my relationship is because I haven't really compromised any of what I want, I have the same expectations that I would have of any guy and I've left it up to him to make that happen.

I don't know... I could be totally wrong, but I think the fact that I've kept my own power has allowed me to stay "me" throughout this.

 

Makes sense. I was happy to compromise, but not on being myself, so eventually the crunch came of being together more, or splitting up. We tried both

[LFH]

Honestly, I believe OW/OM is the best of both worlds for those that do not want a typical relationship. Some OWs/OMs can remain in the early romantic stage for much longer than typical relationships in the open.

 

In other words, in retrospect: Dating is more exciting than being married 20 years later.

 

Is this your experience as an OW Pierre? As I stated in the opening post, theories on how someone else feels aren't really what I'm looking for, and don't really add to the discussion. Perhaps you can share how you might have felt as the OM?

[Pierre]

Is this your experience as an OW Pierre? As I stated in the opening post, theories on how someone else feels aren't really what I'm looking for, and don't really add to the discussion. Perhaps you can share how you might have felt as the OM?

 

 

I firmly believe that the OW/OW stage is very romantic and that the romance lasts much longer than in a typical marriage.

 

I had countless EAs with minimal physical contact in my previous marriage. It feels quite good and it is exciting. It is endless courting.

Edited March 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LFH]

Makes sense. I was happy to compromise, but not on being myself, so eventually the crunch came of being together more, or splitting up. We tried both

 

I'm curious about something, and it might not have been clear in my opening post, but do you think that you would have been willing to make similiar concessions that you did (with it being an EMA) if it had been a single guy? Did you make any of the concessions that you did because of him or because of the dynamics of the relationship?

 

 

For instance, if you coudln't have Sat nights, would you have been ok with that if say... he had some other commitment that you didn't really like on Sat nights that wasn't a wife?

Do you think you made the compromises because of where you were at personally at that time or because of him?

[Silly_Girl]

Honestly, I believe OW/OM is the best of both worlds for those that do not want a typical relationship. Some OWs/OMs can remain in the early romantic stage for much longer than typical relationships in the open.

 

How long did your affairs tend to last? Were they intensely romantic? Are you romantic by nature? Have/has your marriage(s)/other LTR's been romantic?

[Pierre]

How long did your affairs tend to last? Were they intensely romantic? Are you romantic by nature? Have/has your marriage(s)/other LTR's been romantic?

 

I don't fall in love very easily. I just enjoyed the game, the flirting, the chivalry, etc. I had no desire to bed these women and my marriage was fine.

 

On a few occasions I had to back away when the women got too motivated. When they acted like they wanted more I got scared. It was nothing more than cake eating, I never lost my mind. I still feel like doing this, but now I am older and a bit wiser.

 

Romantic??? I am extremely romantic, but that does not mean falling deeply in love with whomever meets by emotional needs. If a women does not love me and I love her I can easily walk away and never look back.

 

Romanticism (or the Romantic era/Period) was an artistic, literary, and intellectual movement that originated in Europe toward the end of the 18th century and in most areas was at its peak in the approximate period from 1800 to 1850. Partly a reaction to the Industrial Revolution,[1] it was also a revolt against aristocratic social and political norms of the Age of Enlightenment and a reaction against the scientific rationalization of nature.[2] It was embodied most strongly in the visual arts, music, and literature, but had a major impact on historiography,[3] education[4] and the natural sciences.[5] Its effect on politics was considerable and complex; while for much of the peak Romantic period it was associated with liberalism and radicalism, in the long term its effect on the growth of nationalism was probably more significant.

[Silly_Girl]

Romantic??? I am extremely romantic, but that does not mean falling deeply in love with whomever meets by emotional needs. If a women does not love me and I love her I can easily walk away and never look back.

 

I suspect a lot of people can identify with this.

[cocorico]

I'm addressing this topic specifically to OW because I don't know that it relates AS much to OM, but I'd certainly value their input as well. Respectful answers from BS or WS are welcome too, but as I am looking for first hand input, not as heard from, not opinions on the behavior of someone else, but first hand experiences I don't know if there will be much to add unless you have been in this situation directly.

 

While in your EMA, were your relationship dynamics and interactions with him different than they have been with other (single) boyfriends/partners/spouse/etc.

 

Other than small allowances, did you change the way you personally interacted in your relationship or did you pretty much carry on as you would have with any other guy?

 

I'm curious to know if some of the relationship scenarios play out the way that they do because of it being an EMA or if it's directly linked to the way a person normally interacts.

 

If, for instance, you wanted to be with him all the time, is that a trait you've noticed in yourself with all your relationships or is that "new" to this one, the EMA.

If you are willing to let him set the parameters of the relationship does that show a pattern with your other life experiences.

 

Thanks so much for your input on this, I hope we can have a really great discussion on this topic.

 

I was my usual self. What I wanted, and how I was, were the same as any other R. I made no allowances, big or small - being M was his problem, not mine, and if he wanted a R with me he needed to meet my requirements.

[LFH]

I was my usual self. What I wanted, and how I was, were the same as any other R. I made no allowances, big or small - being M was his problem, not mine, and if he wanted a R with me he needed to meet my requirements.

 

That's me too. I dated a professional hockey player for a while who had a lot of commitments, and I made MANY more allowances for his schedule/committments/training than I ever have for my MM. I make small concessions, but the same types I would for any relationship (which is why I mention the hockey player) and far fewer than I would have several years ago.

Edited March 20, 2013 by LFH

[Poppy fields]

My situation is a bit different because my relationship with my MM was my first real relationship. I made many, many concessions in our time together. Would I do that today? Definitely no, but I have been around the block a few times now, too.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm curious about something, and it might not have been clear in my opening post, but do you think that you would have been willing to make similiar concessions that you did (with it being an EMA) if it had been a single guy? Did you make any of the concessions that you did because of him or because of the dynamics of the relationship?

 

 

For instance, if you coudln't have Sat nights, would you have been ok with that if say... he had some other commitment that you didn't really like on Sat nights that wasn't a wife?

Do you think you made the compromises because of where you were at personally at that time or because of him?

 

It was the wife thing. He had work stuff on, all fine, and his hobby/holidays, all fine. I resented the time he was unavailable because of his commitment to her, not in the number of hours per se because they spent very little time together, but because he couldn't travel to my house if his presence was expected at home.

 

But, this is the finer point, it put me off an LDR totally, because I wasn't good at it. The existence of a wife brought the LDR aspects to the fore. I met a nice guy once but the distance was enough.

 

So it could be either/both.

 

My current partner works shifts so sometimes we don't see each other for a few days, I gripe, but I get it. We work it to our advantage. But I would never have 'got' that it was fine to have enforced absence due to the presence of a wife as opposed to a job.

[Pierre]

I was my usual self. What I wanted, and how I was, were the same as any other R. I made no allowances, big or small - being M was his problem, not mine, and if he wanted a R with me he needed to meet my requirements.

 

Great post!

 

[cocorico]

That's me too. I dated a professional hockey player for a while who had a lot of commitments, and I made MANY more allowances for his schedule/committments/training than I ever have for my MM. I make small concessions, but the same types I would for any relationship (which is why I mention the hockey player) and far fewer than I would have several years ago.

 

When I was younger I had a R with a cardiac surgeon at a top research hospital. Because of his superspecialism, he was pretty much permanently on call, at least having to be near a phone in case a registrar bleeped him. It got old pretty quickly and I realised that I'm just not cut out for living my life around someone else.

 

I've had to make a compromise or two with my H - I can't insist he join me on a sunny beach if it clashes with his teaching, because his job matters to both of us, and I'm very happy to spend large chunks of the year in his country to be around his elderly parents because I know we only have limited time left with them - even if his country is cold and soggy and wtf weird much of the time. But those are concessions I'm happy to make, and wouldn't consider them unique to it once having been an A.

[Got it]

I'm addressing this topic specifically to OW because I don't know that it relates AS much to OM, but I'd certainly value their input as well. Respectful answers from BS or WS are welcome too, but as I am looking for first hand input, not as heard from, not opinions on the behavior of someone else, but first hand experiences I don't know if there will be much to add unless you have been in this situation directly.

 

While in your EMA, were your relationship dynamics and interactions with him different than they have been with other (single) boyfriends/partners/spouse/etc.

 

Yes they were a bit different as I did have more space than when I was dating my ex husband. BUT we were very codependent and it was not a healthy way of being. We spent every day together with no space of our own from high school and into college (outside of the time period where we were going to different schools which was about 1 1/2 years. But we still spent almost every weekend together and all of summer breaks) So in the marriate I learned how to have my own life and doing things independent. In that vein, then, things were similar. In my affair I had a career, my animals, riding, friends, family etc that I still wanted to focus on and give priority to. So while I saw dMM a good bit I was still able to focus on other things as well and were not attached at the hip. Even now living together we are not attached at the hip and while we do spend a good bit of time together, we still get our space.

 

Other than small allowances, did you change the way you personally interacted in your relationship or did you pretty much carry on as you would have with any other guy?

 

No. I exited my marriage within weeks of the affair starting as I was already planning on separating. The affair was his baby to rock and I had the same expectations. It depended on whether or not he could meet that bar and have to invest in more but that was not my problem. I saw it as, I made a concession with his marital status, I was not of the mindset to make too many others.

 

I'm curious to know if some of the relationship scenarios play out the way that they do because of it being an EMA or if it's directly linked to the way a person normally interacts.

 

If, for instance, you wanted to be with him all the time, is that a trait you've noticed in yourself with all your relationships or is that "new" to this one, the EMA.

If you are willing to let him set the parameters of the relationship does that show a pattern with your other life experiences.

 

Thanks so much for your input on this, I hope we can have a really great discussion on this topic.

 

Having had a very unhealthy codependent relationship with my ex I learned I needed my own identity outside of my romantic relationship. So while I can be drawn to the codependency piece, especially trying to fix other people's problems, I have work very hard to back off, do my thing and don't try and fix/control other people's pathways and lessons.

[MissBee]

I'm addressing this topic specifically to OW because I don't know that it relates AS much to OM, but I'd certainly value their input as well. Respectful answers from BS or WS are welcome too, but as I am looking for first hand input, not as heard from, not opinions on the behavior of someone else, but first hand experiences I don't know if there will be much to add unless you have been in this situation directly.

 

While in your EMA, were your relationship dynamics and interactions with him different than they have been with other (single) boyfriends/partners/spouse/etc.

I liked Stevie's designation of ASS (Affair Specific Situation) . I wasn't a different person in my interactions, but some of the dynamics which existed because it was an A didn't exist in my single relationships. Overall...my peace of mind and security in the relationship as an A was less than in single relationships. There was always an "I'm happy but..." Like SG, overtime I just felt impatient about some constraints and as I explained in the other thread, I couldn't unknow the reality. I think if you are someone who never wanted to share, then knowing you are, that knowledge makes a difference and kind of floats around in the background. For me it did. I explained for example, that in a normal single relationship if my boyfriend says he is going out of town or he's going home, I know that's what he's doing. Even if he was cheating, I wouldn't automatically think that. So I had peace of mind that he is not going to be with another woman and he's really doing what he says he's doing and I'm the only woman who is in a relationship with him. When my exAP said that he was going out of town or I have to work late tonight etc. I also knew exactly what he meant. Sometimes that was his way of gently saying he was going to be with his SO and I knew I was in an A, so had to deal with that and it didn't make me feel good. Some days it didn't bother me as much and some days it did quite a lot. That was a huge thing for me....just that sense of security was lacking sometimes.

 

I knew he would be there for me, so long as she didn't have an emergency. As I knew hers would take precedence. I didn't like that and wouldn't have stood for that in a normal R. I had peace of mind in my single Rs that I was the main lady in my guy's life and that his family and friends knew me as such, so if I needed him, he would be there and be expected to be there and it would be fine. With my exAP, thankfully I never did have any crazy emergencies but I knew if I did, although he would try to be there, it may not be as seamless. That added to the lack of security and complete peace of mind.

 

 

Other than small allowances, did you change the way you personally interacted in your relationship or did you pretty much carry on as you would have with any other guy?

What's an example of a small allowance in your opinion? I ask because I think everyone will have a different idea about that. I didn't have to change personal interaction styles, but certain ASS elements encroached upon me against my will.

 

 

I'm curious to know if some of the relationship scenarios play out the way that they do because of it being an EMA or if it's directly linked to the way a person normally interacts.

 

All relationship scenarios will be a mixture of both of those things. Having been in both scenarios, I can point out things that were common with me in both types of scenarios, as well as things which were different, simply because I was involved with someone different, and different relationships have their own style/energy/synergy, then I can also think of aspects that were peculiar because of the A. All I know is, a relationship with someone can be great but the circumstances aren't. For me, take away the A, and leave the compatibility, comfort level, communication, friendship, etc. with my exAP, it would have been great. But they didn't stand alone, they came with the peculiarities of an A scenario and I didn't like that. I wouldn't choose to be in an A again frankly, as in my experience, it comes with issues that I didn't ever have to worry about when dating normally and things I don't care to worry about.

 

 

If, for instance, you wanted to be with him all the time, is that a trait you've noticed in yourself with all your relationships or is that "new" to this one, the EMA.

If you are willing to let him set the parameters of the relationship does that show a pattern with your other life experiences.

 

Thanks so much for your input on this, I hope we can have a really great discussion on this topic.

 

Responses bolded.

Edited March 20, 2013 by MissBee

[LFH]

Responses bolded.

 

You asked what I consider to be a small concession, for me (remember I dont' expect him to leave and I've never NOT expected him to stay married) I don't expect him to change his married behaviors for me, so if they've always gone out on Tuesday night I'm not suddenly going to ask him to take me out on Tuesdays BUT I do expect to go out, I do expect us to have time. I'm willing to concede that there may already be schedules, etc in place that I have to consider. In some cases this would be true of anyone, but more so with a person who has other attachments as well. However, I also would not accept that if I really NEEDED him for something on a Tuesday that he woudln't be available. It's not a free pass in my mind. I would only ever reach out to him during that time if it was important and he knows that too.

 

I know he has a picture of his family in his wallet, I don't expect that to disappear.

I am not looking for him to suddenly put that he's in a relationship with me as his fb status or tweet how much he loves me from his twitter. LOL

 

Just a couple things that I consider to be small concessions. I don't make many honestly.

[MissBee]

I remember after the A I was dating my single bf, first person I was serious about after the A, and we had a really great day. We went to a beautiful nature reserve with his son and walked around and played and chatted and then later in the evening we went by his mom's house for dinner with his brother, his brother's wife and his baby nephews. And it was just a great day. I am a big family person, love kids, love being loved and around people who love each other, good food, all that. I was very happy and there was something so fulfilling for me, to feel like I was truly a part of all aspects of his life, and could see him interact with his family, and be embraced by them and I got to see more sides of him than if it were just me and him all the time.

 

I remember distinctly flashing back to the A and thought of my exAP...I met a couple of his friends and "knew" his family through stories of them and spoke on the phone to his son once. But I didn't see him interact with them and wasn't a part of his life in that way and for me I realized how much that was important to me. If I dated a single man and after 2 plus years I never met his child, never met his family, never got to be around the people who know him best, who love him, and who knows he loves me ...I would be wondering what kind of relationship we're having but with my exAP...I had to "understand". That was an "allowance" that I can't do again and that if the guy was single I wouldn't do.

[MissBee]

You asked what I consider to be a small concession, for me (remember I dont' expect him to leave and I've never NOT expected him to stay married) I don't expect him to change his married behaviors for me, so if they've always gone out on Tuesday night I'm not suddenly going to ask him to take me out on Tuesdays BUT I do expect to go out, I do expect us to have time. I'm willing to concede that there may already be schedules, etc in place that I have to consider. In some cases this would be true of anyone, but more so with a person who has other attachments as well. However, I also would not accept that if I really NEEDED him for something on a Tuesday that he woudln't be available. It's not a free pass in my mind. I would only ever reach out to him during that time if it was important and he knows that too.

 

I know he has a picture of his family in his wallet, I don't expect that to disappear.

I am not looking for him to suddenly put that he's in a relationship with me as his fb status or tweet how much he loves me from his twitter. LOL

 

Just a couple things that I consider to be small concessions. I don't make many honestly.

 

I get you.

 

I think to be happy in an A, one has to accept sharing, and accept it as okay and be rational about it, as you have. You don't expect him to change his marriage behaviors and that makes your life easier.

 

I don't think I accepted it at all, hence, jealousy and insecurity reared its head from time to time. I think I accepted it nominally, but in my heart of hearts I hated it and overtime my "true feelings" shined through. I think I compromised on that so I could have him in some ways, even if not 100%, but I was fooling myself personally, as it wasn't a true acceptance, but more of a toleration. I didn't expect my exAP to leave, but even with that in mind, I still would get very jealous, frustrated and upset, simply knowing there was another. I didn't make peace with that but fared better with it initially, but near to the end, and what precipitated the end too, was my decreased tolerance for it.

[LFH]

I wonder about stuff like whether or not the desire to spend a lot of time with someone you are having an EMA with is actually related. There are a lot of times it's said that the EMA creates almost a frantic urgency to spend time wtih someone and for me there's never been any difference, but I HAVE always liked to spend lots of time with someone I care about. I do believe that quality time is very, very important. Not to a smothering level, but I believe connection is really important, I don't believe in tvs in bedrooms, dinners watching tv, that kind of stuff.

So that part I think is just me.

I think perhaps in some respects I'm just like that.

[spice4life]

Having had a very unhealthy codependent relationship with my ex I learned I needed my own identity outside of my romantic relationship. So while I can be drawn to the codependency piece, especially trying to fix other people's problems, I have work very hard to back off, do my thing and don't try and fix/control other people's pathways and lessons.

 

This ^^^ That's me now after having been in an unhealthy relationship. I've learned that when I'm feeling the "care taker" pull I have to step back and not allow myself to get pulled in. This is pretty new to me (within the last few years), but the more I recognize when it's happening the easier it's becoming to see it right away and step back and take care of myself by setting boundaries.

 

I was actually attracted to my MM because he did have a life, friends and hobbies and I was beginning to develop that too for myself. I would always get sucked into other people's neurosis before and decided it sucked! I don't do that anymore thank goodness and will never go down that road again. A good relationship to me is one where you both have a life outside of one another, but also enjoy the time you do have together. Being with my MM really helped me develop that side of myself.

[Poppy fields]

I wonder about stuff like whether or not the desire to spend a lot of time with someone you are having an EMA with is actually related. There are a lot of times it's said that the EMA creates almost a frantic urgency to spend time wtih someone and for me there's never been any difference, but I HAVE always liked to spend lots of time with someone I care about. I do believe that quality time is very, very important. Not to a smothering level, but I believe connection is really important, I don't believe in tvs in bedrooms, dinners watching tv, that kind of stuff.

So that part I think is just me.

I think perhaps in some respects I'm just like that.

 

I was quite frantic at times in worrying that we would not get time together. We hung out in the same social circle of friends as his wife, but she was a bit of a homebody. Most of the people in his circle, and all of mine, knew we were together so going out as a group was normal. Unless the wife or her best friend wanted to be in a group activity. Then I would have to decide to go just to have time around him knowing that we would have to hide our relationship though. If the wife or her friend didn't want to go then it was business as usual. We were both social people who liked to go do exciting things and didn't try very hard to hide it. But, I always knew concessions would always be made for the wife. Something I would not handle at this point in my life.