Relationship dynamics as an OW

[stevie_23]

Whenever I’ve been in love with someone, I have always wanted to be with them ALL the time, and this pre-existing trait in me was intensified due to the fact my ex-MM and I had two factors that made that impossible – the affair thing, and the long distance thing.

 

Also, I always want to be THE top priority and the MOST important person to my partner, as they are to me. So...that was hard to try and balance that natural inclination with that opposing situation.

 

In many ways, my natural tendency to get a bit obsessive and possessive with a partner was exaggerated because of the affair situation. I was more clingy because I couldn’t just relax in the knowledge that he was mine, simple and easy, you know?

 

But also, in other ways I let go of a lot of my previous hang ups in relationships, like being a bit naggy, being uncomfortable if they live their lives a certain way that doesn’t suit me, because in my affair / long distance situation, those things simply didn’t matter. If he wanted to have 4 beers every night, it didn’t affect me. If he’d been living with me or he’d not been married and we were seriously getting close to him coming to be with me, it WOULD have bothered me.

[MissBee]

Whenever I’ve been in love with someone, I have always wanted to be with them ALL the time, and this pre-existing trait in me was intensified due to the fact my ex-MM and I had two factors that made that impossible – the affair thing, and the long distance thing.

 

Also, I always want to be THE top priority and the MOST important person to my partner, as they are to me. So...that was hard to try and balance that natural inclination with that opposing situation.

 

In many ways, my natural tendency to get a bit obsessive and possessive with a partner was exaggerated because of the affair situation. I was more clingy because I couldn’t just relax in the knowledge that he was mine, simple and easy, you know?

 

But also, in other ways I let go of a lot of my previous hang ups in relationships, like being a bit naggy, being uncomfortable if they live their lives a certain way that doesn’t suit me, because in my affair / long distance situation, those things simply didn’t matter. If he wanted to have 4 beers every night, it didn’t affect me. If he’d been living with me or he’d not been married and we were seriously getting close to him coming to be with me, it WOULD have bothered me.

 

 

I can always relate to so much of what you post stevie.

 

I am not actually a clingy or possessive person, but I find that when I am in a relationship that doesn't make me feel secure, I can turn into that jealous person. With my exAP...I could sometimes be over the top jealous and I think it did stem from that insecurity that he wasn't "all mine" and also a fear that maybe he was just a cheater by nature so might be looking for OOW. I would constantly be suspicious about some things and ask him ridiculous questions. I NEVER acted like that in my normal relationships. In fact, with my normal relationships, I'd point out pretty women to my boyfriend, if we went out to a party, I didn't care if he danced with other women and so on and so forth. I actually felt secure that he was my man so he can do that but he's coming home with me in the end and it doesn't mean anything. I would have been so jealous though if my exAP did that.

 

The point about some things mattering less and some more because of an A rings true as well.

[stevie_23]

I can always relate to so much of what you post stevie.

 

I am not actually a clingy or possessive person, but I find that when I am in a relationship that doesn't make me feel secure, I can turn into that jealous person. With my exAP...I could sometimes be over the top jealous and I think it did stem from that insecurity that he wasn't "all mine" and also a fear that maybe he was just a cheater by nature so might be looking for OOW. I would constantly be suspicious about some things and ask him ridiculous questions. I NEVER acted like that in my normal relationships. In fact, with my normal relationships, I'd point out pretty women to my boyfriend, if we went out to a party, I didn't care if he danced with other women and so on and so forth. I actually felt secure that he was my man so he can do that but he's coming home with me in the end and it doesn't mean anything. I would have been so jealous though if my exAP did that.

 

The point about some things mattering less and some more because of an A rings true as well.

 

I actually AM a clingy and possessive person. I was very much so in my first relationship back in my late teens / early 20s, not so much with my current partner but that was because I always felt comfortable and safe with her. And of course, I was much more prone to that in my A because of the conditions that came with it…

 

For me, to be in a relationship, there is no point unless I am number 1. We are each other’s number 1. So for me…I think getting into an A was possibly one of the worst things I could ever do in terms of maintaining my sense of self worth and happiness within a relationship.

[spice4life]

Whenever I’ve been in love with someone, I have always wanted to be with them ALL the time, and this pre-existing trait in me was intensified due to the fact my ex-MM and I had two factors that made that impossible – the affair thing, and the long distance thing.

 

Also, I always want to be THE top priority and the MOST important person to my partner, as they are to me. So...that was hard to try and balance that natural inclination with that opposing situation.

 

In many ways, my natural tendency to get a bit obsessive and possessive with a partner was exaggerated because of the affair situation. I was more clingy because I couldn’t just relax in the knowledge that he was mine, simple and easy, you know?

 

But also, in other ways I let go of a lot of my previous hang ups in relationships, like being a bit naggy, being uncomfortable if they live their lives a certain way that doesn’t suit me, because in my affair / long distance situation, those things simply didn’t matter. If he wanted to have 4 beers every night, it didn’t affect me. If he’d been living with me or he’d not been married and we were seriously getting close to him coming to be with me, it WOULD have bothered me.

 

You've really come a long way since you first started posting here stevie. You're working through it and coming up with some good answers. I always said, affairs may be difficult, but man do they force you to start asking yourself the really tough questions! Don't they? If there are any changes within yourself to be made an affair will certainly force you into making them...lol. And once you do, you realize you're still the same person, but with much healtheir coping skills.

[stevie_23]

You've really come a long way since you first started posting here stevie. You're working through it and coming up with some good answers. I always said, affairs may be difficult, but man do they force you to start asking yourself the really tough questions! Don't they? If there are any changes within yourself to be made an affair will certainly force you into making them...lol. And once you do, you realize you're still the same person, but with much healtheir coping skills.

 

They really DO. I don’t regret anything in terms of my A. I don’t regret the time spent and feelings experienced with my ex-MM. I don’t regret that I am who I am now. I DO regret that I did that to my partner though. That’s my only regret in all of this.

[AnotherRound]

Honestly, no - I didn't give up anything that I would have required from anyone else, SGs included, in my relationship with exMM. We had a lot of time together luckily, and tbh, exMM was actually better about being in contact with me than most SGs have been, lol. He called when he said he would, showed up when he said he would - didn't cancel plans, etc. He was very dependable and always followed through on his promises.

 

I am, however, not a clingy person at all. In fact, I require quite a bit of alone time - which has put some other guys off in the past. I dated a Police Officer for a while, and I got frustrated pretty quickly with him always being on call. I am a really organized person, and with my job, time management is a MUST. So, I make time for "down" time - or else I'd never get it, my job would be 24/7 if I allowed it. So, when we were having down time, and he would get called out by his buddies - it was frustrating bc we wouldn't be able to have down time together for sometimes a week or so. To me, that's too much time between seeing each other. I don't like to go more than a couple of days without contact, and ideally would have some contact daily - even if it's just a simple text message.

 

I know that having been on my own for so long that it's going to be a big adjustment for me to ever live with someone again - give up my personal space bc I'm very used to it and enjoy it. I could do it for the right person, but it will take some serious adjusting on my part. But exMM and I had the perfect amount of time together for us - in that we were always eager to see one another, it never felt like too much or too little.

 

My last bf ( the one that just ended it with me) was the same in that we both have a lot going on, but we found time to be together and it seemed like just the right amount of time. We both continued on with our guy/girl nights out and our friendships and such - but when we had time together, we would make sure that we were uninterrupted and have some good quality time. Then, we would go and do our own things, staying in touch by texts and phone calls.

 

So, no, I basically told exMM what I needed in a relationship, contact wise, and he was able and willing to provide that. If a SG couldn't, or wouldn't, it probably wouldn't work out long term for me - bc anyone can make time for things, imo - if it's important enough to them.

[ked198813]

Yes, everything in this relationship is different from being with any other "single" guy I have been with. There is more affection, no fighting, and great sex. We seem to get along in every way and when we are together, it seems like its unreal. Why? Because it is. It's a fairy tale of stolen time. As far as interaction, we work together so we have to act normal. We can't show too much affection or let anyone know about our relationship. At home, I act like I would with any other guy I have dated. I think that the scenarios play out this way because it is an EMA. However, being with him all the time, that is a new trait. That hasn't happened with the "single" guys I've dated. We share all of our personal experiences. It consists of very sad and lonely nights.

[cocorico]

anyone can make time for things, imo - if it's important enough to them.

 

Absolutely!

 

I am always amazed at the couples who make time for mundane things like trimming the lawn or pruning the roses, or attending all their kid's rugby matches, but can't make time for couply things "because they have family responsibilities". Hello - since when is your responsibility to your kid's rugby team greater than your responsibility to your partner?

 

Whether you're dating, M or in an A, if someone matters to you and you consider the R important enough - you'll make the time.

[LFH]

Absolutely!

 

I am always amazed at the couples who make time for mundane things like trimming the lawn or pruning the roses, or attending all their kid's rugby matches, but can't make time for couply things "because they have family responsibilities". Hello - since when is your responsibility to your kid's rugby team greater than your responsibility to your partner?

 

Whether you're dating, M or in an A, if someone matters to you and you consider the R important enough - you'll make the time.

 

Before I was involved in a serious relationship, when I was a teenager one of the things that was said to me by someone very wise when talking about love and marriage "Always weigh the things that can wait, and if you can't afford the time or effort to go to the movies, how will you make time or afford the divorce?"

 

It probably doesn't make sense to anyone that didn't sit in on the converstaion, but basically if you have to make a choice between snuggling on the couch with your partner and doing the dishes, the dishes aren't going anywhere and if you think your relationship isn't worth investing in, then it's probably not.

 

I took that to heart then, it came from someone who has the happiest love story I know.. and I've never forgotten it, in my marriage or in any relationship after.

I think that's why any relationship that matters to me, I'm just me. This is who I am.. I don't and can't make changes to who I am because it's an affair vs. something more traditional.

Edited March 24, 2013 by LFH
left out part of a sentence. AGAIN.

[AnotherRound]

Before I was a teenager one of the things that was said to me by someone very wise when talking about love and marriage "Always weigh the things that can wait, and if you can't afford the time or effort to go to the movies, how will you make time or afford the divorce?"

 

It probably doesn't make sense to anyone that didn't sit in on the converstaion, but basically if you have to make a choice between snuggling on the couch with your partner and doing the dishes, the dishes aren't going anywhere and if you think your relationship isn't worth investing in, then it's probably not.

 

I took that to heart then, it came from someone who has the happiest love story I know.. and I've never forgotten it, in my marriage or in any relationship after.

I think that's why any relationship that matters to me, I'm just me. This is who I am.. I don't and can't make changes to who I am because it's an affair vs. something more traditional.

 

Agreed with both. I think that far too often people just stop putting anything into their relationships - no matter what "type" of relationship it is. I have always tried to avoid this as best I can - by allowing truly insignificant things to wait (the dishes, seriously! lol) if it meant nurturing that relationship.

 

I didn't do anything differently regarding this when I was an OW. I made sure that I was nurturing our relationship regularly. That meant hours on the phone talking, and hours in person talking - it wasn't like the movies where we had sex for 10 minutes and then he left, lol. We did a LOT of talking over the years - about everything. About the important things in his life and mine, career moves, bounced things off of each other, gave advice, reassurance - all that communication that is necessary to keep a relationship growing and vital.

 

Had we not done that - and it had truly been "just sex" - our affair would have died out LONG before 7 years went by. There's just no way that either of us would have been satisfied with that type of relationship - something so imbalanced. Just as neither of us would have been satisfied had it been imbalanced the other way - no sex and all talking - or even worse - no sex and no talking. It's a balancing act for sure - but if more people did it, imo, many more relationships would make it.