Boyf fancies other woman more than me

[Triquetra]

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Ok, so here's my story...

 

I am of a jealous nature but before I started going out with my current bf it wasn't that much of a problem, I wouldn't get that jealous. But with him it is a huge problem. He notices other women and comments on how they look e.g. she's really pretty, and I get jealous. If we're watching a film or TV program and he starts saying that the woman is really sexy (for example if the scene involves a teenage guy with a really sexy woman he'll say something like 'I bet he's cumming in his pants!') this makes me really angry and jealous so I start saying things like 'What like you are you mean?!' Or 'Yeah, I bet you'd love to be him so you could touch her' etc.

 

Very recently we watched a film 'The Girl Next Door' which stars Elisha Cuthbert. He started saying the usual things about how pretty she was and I got a little jealous. He said he recognised her from somewhere so after the film ended I went onto the Internet and looked up her name. We found out that she was also in a TV program '24' and I went to say 'Ah, I remember how much our work coleague Sean likes her' but he then said 'Ah, oh honey remember how much I said I liked her?!' I then said 'How could I forget' or something simular in a snotty way and he said 'You are so unattractive when you say things like that!' then went out on his bike for a while.

 

For a couple of days things weren't too good between us, he didn't talk to me very much. Since then we have talked and he told me that he thinks she is the prettiest woman in the world and that she is perfect and the reason he gets so excited about seeing her on TV is because he can't believe how pretty she is but he said that he loves me and thinks I'm gorgeous and that if she walked up to him and said he could live off her money and that she wanted to be with him he would say without a doubt 'No' because he is with me and loves me.

 

Then the other night he was in a bad mood so I asked him what the matter was and he told me that he was annoyed with everything. So I asked him if he could give me an example of what he was annoyed about and he told me a list of things including 'I'm annoyed at how easily a woman like that would dismiss me' - obviously he doesn't consider me to be 'a woman like that' i.e. pretty, sexy etc.

 

Now I am worried that he is wishing he could be with her instead of me and is only with me because he doesn't want the hassle of selling our house and finding somewhere else to live that would come with us splitting up. I worry that he is thinking about her all the time and imagining her when he kisses me and has sex with me.

 

I feel so hurt that he would feel like this about this other woman who he has never met. He thinks she's PERFECT!!! I'm afraid to say any more to him about it in case he thinks that I am just being jealous again - he is likely to tell me that it is my problam and that I need to fix it or I'll push him away. I hate the feeling of jealousy and what it could do to our relationship but I don't feel this is jealousy. I am hurt and afriad and angry.

 

After discussing with him the first time about her I went onto the Internet to look at pictures of her to try and find faults in her appearance and to see how I could change myself to look like her (e.g. dying me hair blonde etc) to make him fancy me a bit more and he started to feel ill over it and asked me to stop looking at the pictures of her which I did. But it made me feel angry because when he goes on about all these pretty, sexy women it makes me feel ill but he still talks about them and tells me it's my problem that I get jealous.

 

I don't know what to do, I am so afraid he will leave me for someone better than me. I feel really hurt that he has looked over me in sight of someone prettier and sexier than me - even though he has never and probably will never meet. He also said the reason he likes her so much is the whole 'the one thing you can never have is the one thing you want the most' which makes me feel really put down like he doesn't want me anymore he wants this other woman. What should I do???

[uriel]

The remarks he's made about other women have been insensitive. They've so undermined your sense of security in his affection that even when he reassures you that he loves you and wouldn't go with them, you can't be sure.

 

His behavior has been immature and -- well -- beastly. It's lit the fire of your jealousy and helped it to flare up. I'd like you to reconsider your own response, though. A woman of high self-esteem would feel that if he wanted another women, he could d**n well go and get her. Why should you want a man who doesn't want you?

 

Now, he says he does, but you need some more reassurance and some specific ground rules. Let him know it's not appropriate for him to share his turn-ons about other women with you. We all think such things from time to time, but the rest of us aren't broadcasting them to our partner.

 

Second, you want to be sure that these are just fantasies etc. he's having and not doubts about you. Have a talk with him about that.

 

If his attraction to you is purely / only sexual, then you don't have much anyway. If you do believe, and are reassured it's something more, then keep bringing that to the front of your interactions together.

 

-- uriel

 

ps Here's a sneak attack thing you can do, too: Get a very hot makeover, one that uses some features of her look, and don't say a word to him about it. Act all cool and sexy. Go out and have a good time.

[Triquetra]

Thank you for your comments, I will definately sit down and discuss this with him and lay down some groud rules for both of us on what is acceptable and what isn't. I will definately be doing the sneak attack - I was thinking of doing something like that anyway. I will let you know how I get on. Thank you again for your comments.

[Grinning Maniac]

I will agree that your boyfriend is acting like a bit of a douchenozzle. No doubt about that. But to be honest, you're not too much better. All the sarcastic comments are absolutely worthless. Just tell him how you feel, and if he keeps doing what he's doing, then leave I suppose.

 

The "sneak attack" thing is the stupidest thing I probably have ever heard. That's female logic for you I guess. My boyfriend's acting like an ass, so by going and acting like a BIGGER ass, I will CLEARLY make things better. Stupid...

 

Don't go playing a whoore out of some notion of "payback" you goofball. Either try and fix the problem or just leave already. I think you both deserve a smack upside the head...Don't breed. Please.

[khoshgeleh]

I was in a similar situation after dating my boyfriend for a while.

He would constantly make comments about other woman- even turn around and check them out right in front of me! I told him it really bothered me and his response was 'I'm sorry, I've been single for so long I forget sometimes' - things got better, but didn't improve until I did exactly what he did in front of him and he got the message pretty quickly-specially when he saw that my stares got me a lot of attention from other guys. I also started dressing a little better and taking better care of myself to increase my own confidence.

He NEVER does that anymore and we have an amazing relationship.

[Grinning Maniac]

No offence, but that's really a bit pathetic.

[uriel]

I did not suggest she dress up, etc. in order to fetch another man. The point of that is to boost her self-esteem so that she feels like she can stand up for what she wants in this relationship. He's making her feel worthless by saying other women are better looking or more desirable than she is. When she feels like she doesn't have to settle or feel badly about herself, she'll be more up front about what she wants and deserves.

 

I suppose I do have to explain that to the other poster -- since he's a man. Goodness. You need us to write up a guidebook or something?

 

-- uriel

[Grinning Maniac]

I don't think I ever said you were suggesting that she go try and fetch another man after her "makeover".

 

However, let's call a spade a spade shall we? While it might make her feel better about herself, the whole "dress sexy and flirt because your boyfriend's a douche and this will teach him a lesson" thing isn't exactly smart, is it? Because let's be honest, that's kind of the secondary point, is it not? Also, if I have misunderstood the purpose of it, maybe it's because of your choice of words and not "because I'm a man". The term "sneak attack" doesn't really sound like a personal self-esteem booster. Sounds more like calculated revenge. I wonder where I got that idea... Maybe it's the ATTACK part.

[uriel]

I didn't tell her to flirt with other men. I think that's over the line. I told her to make herself pretty and go out. I want her to feel beautiful, strong, and independent. This isn't about hooking other men at all.

 

As for the sneak attack, the idea is that he's supposed to be caught off guard enough to NOTICE her. It's not about attacking him or male bashing. It's about getting him to see the value of what he already has, rather than taking it for granted. Sometimes that does take a shock tactic, especially with a fellow who's as thick headed as hers seems to be.

 

-- uriel

[deesgirl]

GM, you may think this is 'female logic', but I've found it's the only way to get through to some men.

 

I read once that men have a harder time with empathy. Have you noticed when you do something that hurts a woman, they will turn it around and ask you how you would feel if we did the same thing? That is part of our nature because we are usually the main care givers for children. We have to be able to put ourselves in others shoes so we can understand what a newborn or child may be feeling.

It's why women will cry during movies or cry with our friends when they are hurting. We feel their pain.

 

In my experience, most men do not relate this way. If my H is doing something that hurts me, he doesn't imagine what his feelings would be if I did the same thing. He just knows his own intentions or his own feelings, so he thinks I should be fine with whatever he's doing. The only time I've really got through to him was when I did the same action. It takes him seeing first hand, to understand what hurts me.

 

 

OP, years ago, my H made a comment to me and I've never forgotten it. I made a comment about a beautiful woman and he said 'like she would ever give me the time of day'. It hurt me to the core because in my mind he had just stated that I wasn't as 'good' as her or as beautiful, so I know exactly how you feel.

 

I really think things like this are red flags that shouldn't be ignored. When someone hurts you over and over, you have to realize at some point that it will probably get worse instead of better. Do you want to spend your life with someone that tears your self esteem down this way?