I stumbled upon My Fiance's Email password and found this.....

[Girlie]

He actually said that it's "normal" for them to sleep in the same bed because she's like family? lol. Sorry, I have four brothers and none of them hop into bed with me.

Seriously though, hang in there. It's never easy to go through something like this with someone you do love. Pray for strength to get you through. Good luck.

[Papillon]

I'm gonna steal one from tikibrandy:

 

1. Confront a mofo

2. Backhand a mofo

3. Dump a mofo

 

 

:lmao: :lmao:

[NatoPMT]

hope this helps....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t46941/

 

BB

[tiki]

Originally posted by Papillon

I'm gonna steal one from tikibrandy:

 

1. Confront a mofo

2. Backhand a mofo

3. Dump a mofo

 

 

:lmao: :lmao:

 

Ok that was funnier that my sh*t!

 

[Tracy]

Its just not as easy as some of you say.

 

Follow your heart girl. You're right, no one knows just how hard it is, because we aren't in your shoes. And, we don't know the ENTIRE story. You sound like you're remaining calm, which is to your advantage. I'm not saying to take his sh** by ANY MEANS. But, don't do anything you'll regret either.

 

You may KNOW in your heart that it's over. But, make sure that's what you want, especially if he is really remorseful and you think things can be different. You can tell. If you tell him to go, he may just do that. Just prepare yourself and do what you know is right. The advice on LS is priceless, but you have to keep it in perspective and know that only you know your own heart and situation. best of luck, and may the bunny be with you

[jmargel]

Thanks BigBelm. I just got reading this message when I noticed your link to my theories. Prettybutrfly126 to be honest, this is NOT all his fault. You are to blame as well, with your excessive flirting with others while being with him. Check out the link BigBelm stated, to my theory on things. It might give you something to think about.

[YellowLioness]

She was just acting how she was used to acting. In a previous relationship, her boyfriend was totally cool with that. It worked for her then, and there is no reason for her to think that it is abnormal, or that it wouldn't work with this guy.

 

He probably knew she was a flirt before he started dating her.

 

It obviously wasn't a "deal breaker" for him then.

 

Also... I think its silly for you to say that its her fault that he's cheating on her. Unless she used a form of mind control, and made her fiance feel up another girl (who thankfully turned him down) then I don't see how it's possible for her to be responsible for the willful actions of another humanbeing, regardless of her previous actions.

[Tracy]

That's whack. PB126--just to be clear. When I said to think about things carefully, I didn't mean that at all. Point is regardless of who's fault it is, it's a big decision to make. And, even as it WAS his fault, doesn't mean it's not worth forgiveness to you....

[jmargel]

Also... I think its silly for you to say that its her fault that he's cheating on her.

When did I say that? I said it's not all his fault. Remember what she posted about what he said after he got caught? Apparently there are problems in this relationship before this ever happened. He's lacking something from his gf, and not communicating properly. He's looking for it elsewhere. This so called friend of his, has a good head on her shoulders.

 

I hope prettybutrfly126 doesn't hold any grudges against her. She also has to take a look at herself and see what she has done to contribute to this. I'm not sticking up for this guy because I am a 'man'. I'm trying to make her see there are two sides to this problem.

[Tracy]

She may have done something to contribute, but it is still ALL his fault. She can take credit for her actions, but he has to take credit for his...completely.

[jmargel]

Tracy,

 

They need to take responsibility each for what they have done. He needs to take responsibility for his behavior towards this other girl, and prettybutrfly126 needs to take responsibility for the things she has done to him during this relationship and what has driven things to this extent.

 

If she's going to come back here and say she has done nothing wrong, then those two don't have much of a chance. I'm sure they both neglected each other in numerous ways over the time they have been together.

[YellowLioness]

I know what you're saying: it takes two to tango. Remember that one?

 

I think that the same principle applies to this situation.

 

Some people are cheaters no matter what. Yes, they had a communication problem, yes, perhaps she is extremely flirty and it makes him uncomfortable.

 

Why would't he just tell her that, rather then just cheating on her?

 

Cheating is a very low blow to get a point across!

[Tracy]

They need to take responsibility each for what they have done.

 

I agree. There are usually two sides to every story and both people in a RS should recognize and take responsibilities for their own shortcomings.

 

That's not what I was saying.

 

I was saying his actions were completely HIS fault. When someone cheats (in whatever form) (affair, adultry, emotional, trying to get someone to sleep with you)....it's not the other person fault in any way. I had an affair on my H and even though he "didn't meet my needs" and I may have been "justified" in some people's minds......the act of adultry was no one's fault but my own.

[YellowLioness]

I was saying his actions were completely HIS fault. When someone cheats (in whatever form) (affair, adultry, emotional, trying to get someone to sleep with you)....it's not the other person fault in any way. I had an affair on my H and even though he "didn't meet my needs" and I may have been "justified" in some people's minds......the act of adultry was no one's fault but my own.

 

I'm glad that you see things that way! I tend to think that way myself.

[Tracy]

Well, I'm not proud of the fact that I had to learn it the hard way...

 

But, point is PB126 shouldn't feel like it's her fault in any way.

[prettybutrfly126]

Guys, I completely agree that the flirty thing might have made him feel like he wasnt good enough. And seriously, after he told me about how much it bothered him, I did stop. Or i thought I did. And then, it just became an obsession to him. If I looked at a guy for 5 seconds too long then I was flirting. So thats when he decided we wouldnt go out anymore together. I made it a point to recognize when I was flirting and nip it right then and there. But it didnt seem good enough to him, because of course he was watching and waiting for me to mess up. Which i can understand. I made him suspicious and of course I had to work on this. Funny thing is that, when we go out to eat or to a movie or any place else. It is NEVER an issue. Only when we drink. I dont know if i do it more when i drink or maybe he just notices more when he drinks. Actually I shouldnt say when we drink. Because we can go to a restaraunt and have a few drinks and he has never said a thing about being me being flirty. ITS ONLY WHEN WE GO TO CLUBS OR PARTIES. And just for the record.. that was hardly ever, maybe 2 times a months.

 

As far as me being at fault. I cant sit here and say that I treated him the best that I could have but thats because he is so distant. I posted here a few months back about him and my kids and how he isolates himself from us. Its really hard to remain close to someone who doesnt want to let you be close.

 

Yes, definately. Its lack of communication. its the fact that we dont know how to communicate. We had the conversation not too long ago that we both need to address an issue in a calm mannor so that the other person doesnt automatically go into defense mode. and an arguement breaks out. Weve been working on this very hard and I have seen alot of improvements in him with everything from my kids to what we innitially want out of this relationship. And I feel that I have done good on my part because as soon as I get heated, i tell him that i need to take a break and gather my thoughts, I would never do that in the past. Besides that he has told me so.

 

But I know that there is more to this than that. Maybe he feels like he cant talk to me on an intimate level. I can understand that. I guess I just never quite figured out how to listen to the things he has to say and not take them personal. If he says he feels like hes not proud of anything hes done in his life. I can take that personal and say, how can you say that. You have us, we made a beautiful baby, and we are living well. When I know that thats not what he means. I know after a while of thinking about it and after I said some stupid things that its a personal thing for him. Its that he feels he hasnt done anything for himself that he can be proud of. Seriously, i was working on this because I recognize that I did this.

 

But at the same time guys, there is no way in hell that I am going to take full blame for him cheating or trying to cheat. That just tells me that he gave up and stopped trying. I never once stopped trying to work things out. And I never even once thought about going outside the relationship.

[Cherryblast]

I read your posting and I had to reply.

 

From personal experience (about 5 years ago), I was engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years. 7 months into planning I was a wreck. Mom said I had cold feet. Not even close!

 

I had that gut/woman's instinct you talked about. Something was wrong. My fiance was acting differently.

 

After numerous attempts to try and figure it on my own, I put the wedding planning on hold until things were better. About 3 months later, we still spending time together and getting back to normal.

 

Then I found the e-mails, websites and ads (about himself). I had permisson to use the computer, but I'm sure he didn't think I'd take a closer look at the big picture...which was the only odd number in his address book sitting next to me at the computer. I wrote it down.

 

Later that week I called the number and inquired how the woman knew my fiance. I started with suggesting a connection to his business. In the end, she confirmed an ended relationship with my fiance.

 

He HAD indeed cheated and the woman saw our Engagement picture in the newspaper and broke it off with him. I confronted him and broke it off.

 

Ironically, we are still very good friends. I have forgiven, but I can never forget and this is why I denied all requests for a 2nd chance. I knew I could not be with him for the rest of my life with that information in my head.

 

The thing is, I learned 2 valuable lessons...1) I will ALWAYS trust my instincts. YOUR PERCEPTIONS ARE OFTEN MORE ACCURATE THAN YOU ARE WILLING TO BELIEVE 2) Trust and communication are essential. Once that trust is broken, there is no turning back.

 

I WISH you would confront him. Call him on that letter! If you are meant to be together, your gut will help you work it out. It is best to find these things out SOONER than later.

 

Best of luck my friend.

[flannelpajamas]

Hi Butterfly,

I just wanted to add that you are being amazingly strong and I admire you for that. Keep it up.

[rogueless]

I would dump him pronto with no explanantion. Don't give him the courtesy of closure. He's not being very courteous to you now is he? He will just deny everything and make you feel stupid. Leave with your dignity.

[jmargel]

prettybutrfly126,

 

Glad you have a good grip on things. My suggestion would be for you two to goto marriage counseling. Good chance he make take this opportunity to learn how to communicate better with you. Make it an ultamatium for him.

[NatoPMT]

Jmargel – it’s a pleasure, it was a damn fine post.

 

Hi PrettyButterfly

 

I felt the big issue here is summed up in your quote in your early post:

 

Than he cried and said its because he feels like he's always disapointing me and he can never do anything right in my book...

 

I know you feel you have put your all into this relationship, but that’s from your perspective. It’s a case of 2 different genders needing different things from a relationship, you need to both understand what the other wants from a relationship to be truly happy. I am not in any way taking away from your pain, what he did was wrong, wrong, wrong, but that’s how people deal with things when they don’t know how else to deal with it. They do stupid things instead of tackling the real issues, the cheating is a symptom unless he’s a serial cheater, which I really don’t think he is from what you have told us.

 

He’s become disillusioned with his lot and taken the easy way to ‘deal’ with it. Which has opened a whole can of worms. Worms everywhere. I would go back to the point he made about disappointing him – here you need to not say ‘bul****’ but LISTEN to him, his opinions here are just as valid as yours, by dismissing his fears and anxiety, you are giving him the ability to justify going behind your back. You are blocking the communication and you will not get to the bottom of the issue. By telling him he has no ‘right’ to feel he can never do any right, you aren’t even allowing him to think for himself, he has emotional needs too, and tellingly, the red flag I see only warrants one line of your text, which was then subsequently totally dismissed. That’s how he’ll be feeling, totally dismissed. Just as you are with his apparently wanton disregard for your feelings. It seems to me as though you are both disregarding feelings to get an immediate quick fix to remedy the situation, but the quick fixes are not working. The issue of the flirting is nowhere near as big as the issue of him feeling he can never do any right, he knew you flirted before but didn’t cheat, he didn’t feel he disappointed you before, and now he does, he cheats. You listened to his issues on the flirting and tried to make amends. He may still even believe it’s the flirting that’s causing the issues himself seeing as so much emphasis is placed on it its easier to deal with that than get to the real essence of his feelings which will be painful for him. Getting to the real essence involves showing you who he is inside, that’s scary for anyone.

 

Maybe he feels if you are disappointed with him, the flirting is more of an issue because you cant really be happy with him therefore flirting then becomes a real opportunity for you to meet someone who wont disappoint. If you made him feel good about himself and proud you were with him, then he wouldn’t give an owl’s hoot who you were flirting with.

 

You don’t have to take any blame, this isn’t about blame, he’s not communicated to you how he feels, he’s gone into retreat mode and withdrawn from you so how the blimmy were you supposed to know what he really, really wanted to be happy? Now he’s made that point about being unable to make you proud, you take the lead and get to understand what makes him tick, he wont do it he’s firmly in his testosterone padded cell. Its not nice having to take any blame whatsoever when you have been hurt – you feel the wronged party so be a bigger person and stop recriminations, be a bit objective and work at getting to know each other and what lead to this nightmarish situation.

 

‘Maybe he feels like he can’t talk to me on an intimate level. I can understand that. I guess I just never quite figured out how to listen to the things he has to say and not take them personal. If he says he feels like he’s not proud of anything he’s done in his life’

 

You’ve nearly got to the bottom of this now. Its not personal, you are just as valuable, he think you are so valuable he cant bear to disappoint you. He’s hurting that he can’t do any right for you, he’s upset he’s not making you proud. He just doesn’t know what to do about it.

 

All the best, BB