My MM broke up with me.

[SoCalGal2013]

My affair ended 2 weeks ago to the day. I'm feeling so much better and more like myself every day. It was a painful ending...not at all what I envisioned it would be. I've kept busy with work, friends, working out like crazy (my gym community saved me!) and putting my energy into my relationship with my husband of 17 years. I have also read a lot on the internet on this topic. Reading about other people's experiences has helped me a great deal. I wanted to share my story. I hope this helps anyone out their who may read it.

I chose to post a comment on this forum because this woman's situation in every way mirrors mine. I'm married to a wonderful man who lovesme and I love him. He's my best friendand the best partner any woman could want. We live in a wonderful city, we're active & healthy, no kids by choice, we have good friends, love to travel and have adventures, etc. But as the years rolled along we started to have sex less and less. The passion was gone and I was not getting the attention and affection that I needed fromhim. OK, just to be fair, he's never been a super affectionate guy but if the sex was happening, I know I could live with that. In the end, I know I do not want to leave my marriage. If he ever found out that I've had 2 affairs it would kill him. He would be devastated. So I do everything I can to cover my tracks. And now in comes me, the cheater. I honestly don't remember how I came to my decision about having an affair, I think I just stumbled upon the possibility after perusing a popular online classified ad site, and happened upon their personals listings. I entered 'married for married' or something to that effect because I knew if I was going to do this, it would have to be with someone who has just as much to lose as I do. So I started reaching out. I received the typical gross horny guyreplies and also a few 'normal' sounding responses from men explaining what they were missing in their marriages but why they have to stay married, etc. After meeting a guy or 2 for coffee, I met the nicest man. Not my physical typebut he had something...there was something very sexy about him. He was older than me, intelligent and sophisticated. I knew he could be a good choice. You see, it was like I was conducting interviews for lovers. I liked that because I had the power. We emailed and talked on the phone. He told me I was gorgeous and that I was theonly response to his ad and that he had hit the jackpot with me! He won me over and we became lovers. We had a successful affair for about 4years. We met for drinks after work, lunches, and in hotel rooms. He was sweet and kind and knew how to make a woman feel wonderful. We saw each other almost once a week forabout a year, then 2-3 times a month, then my job moved even further away from his town and our times together because fewer and further between. I think it was true what he said...that ourrelationship just ran its course. It maysound cold, but he was right and I was fine with it. I missed him but we ended on very good terms so he still called every now and then just to say hi and catch up. Then the calls came less and less and eventually they stopped. We had both moved on. I couldn't imagine a 'healthier' way for my first affair to have ended and he will always hold a special place in myheart. But while it was ending I was already thinking about replacing him. Six months passed...six months of status quo in my marriage. I wasn't even trying anymore. We still had our fun life -that never changes but not much intimacy. Then I heard about an online dating website for married people...let's just call it "AM." I immediately investigated. I thought since I had onesuccessful affair, it would be easy to have another one. So I set up my profile - didn't write much at all - didn't have to. I got bombarded with messages, winks, and keys to the private -photos! It was fun and exciting. I got kind of distracted by itbut I was enjoying myself. I had brief communications with many men. From the typical gross horny guy e-mail toreally nice men who were missing in their marriages what I was missing in mine.I narrowed them down to 4 and met those 4 men in person. 3 of the 4 men wanted to continue to see me which was a huge ego boost. Unfortunately, I was not attracted to any of them. The 4th guy turned me down because I wanted something long-term and he wanted variety. It was nice that I didn't have to tell him he was not my type anyway. I have to mention here, I did not want todate or sleep around. I wanted and needed a connection with one man for a mutually beneficial LTR. As I continued my search, I started to get frustrated and lose interest, then I saw his cute picture on AM. He must have just joined (or re-activated his profile) because Ih ad not seen his profile before. I reached out - he replied and we began getting to know each other via e-mail. Like me, he had been married about 20 years and they have no children. He has been with his wife since they were teenagers so they didn't date orexperience other people. He also told me he loves his wife like a best friend,she's a great partner, but he has no physical attraction to her anymore and avoids sex with her as much as he can. I asked him why he didn't leave since they didn't have kids, it would have been less complicated. He said he thought about it years ago and that he should have done it already, like he missed some window of opportunity or something. Kind of weird. But as I got to know him, I realize now that he's not strong enough to put her through it. You see she adores him and from all I've heard, she is a good wife. Kind of like my situation except that I'm not repulsed by my husband. We met for coffee and BAM! I knew the moment we met...he was it...the one...the perfect guy for me in every way. His physical type (just like my husband), his funny personality...he works with his hands and I love that...handsome, sweet and romantic! We had a great first meeting. Sitting across from him having coffee he told me how pretty I was and that he couldn't wait to get to know me better and continue what we started. I was thrilled! I felt like I was walking on air. We started e-mailing every day then we just started texting each other. His messages were sweet and sexy. It was great! I sent him naughty pictures that he loved. We hadn't had sex yet butI still felt so alive! We had a few more lunches and met for drinks. As we started to get to know each other hetold me about his former affair that lasted over a year. Yes, we had that in common too...we both had one affair before we met each other. His former lover ended their relationship when she decided to divorce her husband and asked my guy if he would ever leave his wife (this tells me a lot about their relationship). He said NO, he would not leave, so she ended it to search for a real relationship.

I was so giddy the first month that I didn't care about his past affair. Why should I have cared, it was over, right? And he was with me now. We talked about his affair some but not a lot. We spent quality time together before we went 'all the way.' He said he wouldn't have had it any otherway! As I look back now, he was trying to create something as close to a ‘real‘ relationship scenario with me, as he did with his former lover. He wanted to call me his girlfriend and he wanted me to refer to him as my boyfriend. The daily texting, the e-mails, the courting. I really got sucked into it. My first lover did not do those things. But we had a good handle on our affair and we managed our expectations very well, which led to no hurt feelings when it ended. Also, I was not in love with him.

When me and my new guy finally made it to our hotel room, it was amazing! He was so hot. I thought about his lack of experience with women but this did not come through. Maybe he learned a lot from his former lover? Probably. But I didn't care...at the time anyway. We saw each other once a week for lunches or drinks and once amonth in our hotel room. We texted every weekday and sometimes on the weekends if I knew he was going to be alone. Our 'thing' was starting to feel like a relationship. I realized this affair was going to be totally different from my first affair. I was beginning to have deeper feelings for this man. I thought about him constantly and even though I was on a high, I started to feel out-of-control and vulnerable too. I wanted him in a bad way and I starting to worry about when it would end and how that would happen. I knew, of course, that it would eventually come to an end. Which brings me to my first fit of jealousy. We were in our hotel room, before we had sex, and he told me his ex-lover contacted him. She had some connections in the film industry and when they were together, she got both of them work as extras on a movie set. That all came to pass but now there was going to be this party for the movie release and she sent out a group e-mail (including him) to invite the extras cast. Well I had a fit! I said, and I quote..."NO, not allowed! How would you feel if I got together with my ex?" He said he would not like ita nd he was not going to the event and he didn't want to see her or have any contact with her anyway (this is very telling on how my future with him will unfold). That gave me some reassurance but I noticed his mood changed after my outburst and the sex that followed wasn't steamy as before. He couldn't even have an orgasm. A couple of months pass and we are doing great. I'm so happy and I feel bad that I have no guilt. I actually feel that I'm a better wife with my lover in my life. Then we hit another bump in the road. He and his wife had some legal troubles where they were named in a lawsuit. With lawyers & depositions, court dates,etc., he didn't have as much time to spend with me as before. He explained that he felt awful if he couldn't see me at least once a week. Hes tarted getting busier at work and then one day he e-mailed me and said 'maybe I just don't have time for a girlfriend right now." Really? Then why did he start this? He knew about the lawsuit and what was coming. I never was demanding of his time. So I talked him into sticking with me. I basically told him I would be happy waiting in the wings until things calmed down in his life. He said OK and we went on as before. Right then and there, he knew he held all the cards. I know I liked him way more than he liked me, but I didn't care as long as I could be with him. So things went on as before. We were texting every day and seeing each other every week or so. I was so into this guy, I would have been happy with once a month as long as I could still have him.

But allow me to digress...during our time together I started to find out more and more about his ex-lover. That he saw her every day. Every day? Her husband traveled a lot or maybe they even lived apart for a time. That allowed him to drive to her house every morning at dawn and crawl into bed with her. She didn't work so he paid for everything...she wanted him to buy her stuff too and he did. And since he's self-employed with a flexible schedule, they spent many days together and nights. She would go with him to his work (weird, Ik now), they 'dated' and hung out in my city. He wouldn't come home to his wife until 9pm at night and told her he was golfing. They worked on that movie together and they took trips together, all financed by him. One of their trips was 3 weeks long! He told his wife he was on a hunting trip and she believed him. I asked him why was heso reckless and he said he just didn't care anymore. Until they were seen together. His wife's cousin saw them in a bar and took a picture of them kissing. The cousin threatened him that if he didn't tell his wife, she would. He said OK, and told his wife a lie that hemet her in the bar and they flirted and kissed – that was all. She was devastated but she believed him. For a man who said he just didn't care, that sounded to me that he cared about hurting his wife and keeping his marriage together. But that's just me.

At this point I think I'm in love with him. I feel so ecstatic and vulnerable at the same time. I try not to think about it but his relationship with his ex is starting to haunt me now. I'm so envious and jealous. I'm head overheels for this guy and it drives me mad that I will never have the time that he gave to her. I will never be able to take trips with him or have him come over my house. I have a job, a husband, a life! I should count my blessings, right? But I'm jealous of his past! It's crazy! It doesn't make any sense. This is not me. Two weeks ago we met for lunch early in the week and decide to meet at our hotel room later that same week. We both took the day off work, went to lunch at one of our favorite places, he went shopping with me, then tour hotel room. It was the most amazing sex I've ever had! I felt completely open with him. We had started to explore our fantasies and it was just getting better and better. Now we are lying in bed and I told him things I wanted to do to him. Then he said "my ex-girlfriend wanted to do that and more." I asked "was she kinky" and he said "oh yes, very much." This sent me into a jealous rage! Why did I ask and was my reaction logical? Maybe not, but what woman in love, lying in bed with her man, wants to hear about the kinky ex-girlfriend! I felt immediately deflated, inadequate and definitely not sexualnymore. You see, I wanted to be his kinky sex goddess. I didn't want to hear about how he had that already with her. We didn't have any more sex that day. I couldn't even get him into the shower with me, which he loved to do. He got quiet and withdrew. I slammed the bathroom door and he started getting dressed. I felt so rejected and hurt. I knew I was driving him away by my jealous outbursts but I couldn't control it. I apologized and he said it was ok...everything would be ok...but I knew itwasn't. That night I e-mailed him and apologized for my behavior. I tried to explain that I couldn't handle hearingabout his ex and their sex life in that much detail. But I did take responsibility for the ruining our day together. He responded with "....I didn't think that telling you what my ex did was a big deal. I really like you as a person but I'm not going to do this anymore..." I flipped! I was devastated! I e-mailed him back, texted him twice and left a voice message basically begging him to give me another chance. It took him awhile but he said "NO, and it wasn't just that but that he didn't have the time for a girlfriend right now." That's BS because we were seeing each other regularly...I had no complaints. I begged him to at least have a phoneconversation with me and he agreed to talk to me but asked to wait a day or two. He could never handle a confrontation or an argument in his life. Not very realistic. But when it came to my drama (it only happened twice), he just shut down completely. He did feel bad for breaking up like a coward over e-mail. But what did I expect!! I'm the mistress. Still, I feel I deserved better but he wasn’t capable.

So now I'm crying, hurt, confused and angry. We had a GREAT thing going or so I thought. How could he let me go so easily? I'm in so much pain now it feels like withdrawls. I'm realizing in the 24 hours before I text him again that it's truly over because he wants it to be. I can't make him stay with me. So I text him the next day, on Friday, to say I don't feel strong enough to have a conversation with him and can we talk on Monday. He agreed we would talk on Monday and that was the last I heard from him. I took the weekend to think and put things into perspective. I did a lot of soul searching, pet my dog, laughed with hubby, did lots of yoga and drank some good wine. I wanted and needed closure but there is really no such thing. Our 6 month affair ended sooner rather than later because of me. But in retrospect, would it have been that much harder if we had stayed together longer? Maybe, I'll never know. I decided to go NC. What's the point? I know he doesn't want to go over any of it again and since he's done with me, why rehash what was so painful. How ironic that what his ex did to him, he has now done to me. I'm not even sure if I really loved him...was it lust, infatuation, addiction? Did I just love the way he made me feel? We would never have been successful as a couple so it probably was inevitable that we wouldn't be successful as long term lovers. There was no way I could remain detached emotionally with this man. And he was not strong enough to handle my emotions and feelings. If he only had given me the reassurance I needed, but again, he lacked the relationship experience to understand this. I know I'll never get the answers that I want but it will be OK. I'll be OK. One very important detail is something I found out thisweek. He had told me that he split fromhis ex about 6 months prior to going back on AM and meeting me. Well, it's not hard to get information on the internet so I looked up the filming schedule of the movie they worked on. He told enough details about it that it was easy to figure out. They filmed in May in and he was on AM in July. He probably had been broken up with her not more than a month when he re-joined AM. I now realize that he was hurt and sad about hisbreak up and probably missed her terribly. A year together is a long time especially if he was spending more time with her than his own wife! I helped him forget or at least not feel the pain as much. I thought he was months over the relationship but he had not been honest. It makes sense now how he jumped in head first with me. I can see that now he was probably trying to get over her with me.

I'm 2 weeks in to NC. He won't ever reach out and I doubt I ever will. I don’t really feel used so much but if I knew then what I know now, I would never have gotten involved with AM or any man. I'm actually really embarrassed for begging him for another chance. How desperate I felt just 2 weeks ago. I'm starting to feel normal again. How naive I was to believe I could stay detached and remain in control while carrying on this affair. Maybe the pain I feel I deserve...ya know...karma is a bitch. And just because we never got caught doesn't mean we weren't hurting our spouses and our marriages. I don't know about his marriage but I'm grateful for mine and I need to nurture it in order for it to thrive. I learned a lot from my affair. Most importantly I learned to have more gratitude for what I have in my life and to take better care of myself and those I love. I wish you all happiness in life and peace inyour heart. Thanks for reading this.

[ComingInHot]

Wow! SoCal, what a story.

 

How do you plan on nurturing your own M?

Does your H know something is missing in your M?

 

I know that I can't help 'fix things unless I know it's broken.

 

What's the plan? *

[SoCalGal2013]

Thanks for your note C. The plan is starting communication with my husband. i feel like I can pretty much talk to him about anything and I guess I do feel bad for not trying harder before but I also felt he was not trying. I told him I wanted and needed more sex, like we had at the beginning of our marriage. That line of communication opened up some interesting points on what he had been feeling and missing too. I already feel closer to him but I am just beginning to heal from my break up so it wii take time to rebuild with my M. I'm also working on being a better listener than talking so much ?

[wisernow]

Wow. All I can say is...He wasn't looking for a relationship (he believed you weren't either) You advertised incorrectly, got emotionally attached, and he was done. It's really that simple.

 

P.S. Paragraphs would be lovely.

 

P.S.S. I feel really bad for your husband.

[Pierre]

SoCalGal2013

 

Most marriages get boring and the monkey sex becomes less frequent.

 

Folks with little imagination end up having affairs.

 

Folks that do not know how to spice up a established sexual relationship have affairs.

 

And more importantly you needed romance and attention.

 

My suggestion would be to learn how to have a successful marriage. If you don't know how to get there then get a divorce.

 

As for your H: he may also be having affairs or maybe he is a low maintenance man that does not need so much attention. You tell me.

 

As for your lover: Go into permanent NC. Zero contact.

 

Figure out why you need affairs. I seriously doubt it is the need to have sex all the time.

[ComingInHot]

SoCal,

It's interesting how sometimes thing are NOT as one-sided as we believe them to be*

 

Are trying honesty w/your H? About your A (both of them) & how you're hurting from the second?

 

I think it's important for him to be able to make informed decisions about his life.

 

And wouldn't it be wonderful to know that he CHOOSES You and your marriage based on the truth instead of lies*

[Pierre]

Thanks for your note C. The plan is starting communication with my husband. i feel like I can pretty much talk to him about anything and I guess I do feel bad for not trying harder before but I also felt he was not trying. I told him I wanted and needed more sex, like we had at the beginning of our marriage. That line of communication opened up some interesting points on what he had been feeling and missing too. I already feel closer to him but I am just beginning to heal from my break up so it wii take time to rebuild with my M. I'm also working on being a better listener than talking so much ?

 

Just tell your H you want attention.

[Silly_Girl]

That sounds tough. I can get how your initial intentions and desires got morphed in to something else. And then the heartache.

 

Seems like he was definitely on the rebound. Your jealousy... Are you like that toward your H or was that a new thing? Or have you never had cause to feel jealous where your H is concerned?

[troubadour]

SoCalGal2013, a quick question for you....

 

if your MM had a sudden change of heart and decided to give you another chance, would you still be interested in "nurturing" your marriage or would you run in his arms again?

 

 

I think we both know the answer.... your own marriage is a sort of a rebound relationship for you right now.

 

I don't mean to be harsh on you but what makes you think that you are really done with cheating on your husband? After all, you have been doing it for years and you didn't seem to have any moral issues with it.... you just got burned bad but that is all.

 

Just tell your husband the truth and let him decide whether he still wants to be married to you because right now you are being as selfish as you were when you were having your affairs. The only difference is that instead of cheating on him, you need to lean on him for emotional support. But it is still all about you.

 

Just like someone said above.... I feel really bad for your husband.

 

[2sunny]

Just to clarify - you never " stumbled upon" the affair. You searched and plotted behind your husband's back!

 

You couldn't possibly love him while disrespecting him with such a high level of betrayal.

 

Why doesn't your H deserve a wife who will honor him? Let him find a gal that will!!!

 

You need counseling - you seem to have a broken moral compass - one that believes the lies you tell yourself.

 

 

Please get help.

[WakingUp]

I wonder if theres much joy in the fishing under the bridge...

[thefooloftheyear]

For some reason, I think if this was a guy telling this story there would be 10 pages of women on here ripping him to shreds.

 

Sad story. especially for the H. People make mistakes and errors in judgement and that doesn't justify it, but it "might" mitigate it. In this case its a pattern of "doing whats best for ME" without any care for anyone else. And YOU are jealous? Are you kidding?

 

Hopefully you can rebuild..

 

TFOY

[veryhappy]

This guy screwed with your head. Yes, I know you were the one looking too, but he treated you poorly regardless and there's no point in regretig anything about him.

 

If you ask me, you were a bump in the road for his main A. The bump went away, they got back to their normal and he didn't have time and energy for you anymore. You were the otherwoman to the other woman. Not even second...you came in at least third.

 

Why shouldn't you regret him? Because of this tactic of getting you all worked up and competing with another woman, allegedly from the past. No man worth his socks will say those things after sex about the other woman being kinky. He twisted your mind so much that you ended up apologizing?! It's very common, it gives them an ego boost, they sustain it and then blame the woman. It happened to me not related to sex, but to his effing family life in general. He'd complain I was the one wanting to talk about it, when in fact he was using me as therapy and this knowing I wanted a family with him.

 

My advice: never respond to him. Never contact him. Ever. Unless you are into being walked all over and treated like crap.

[donnabella8]

I'm sorry, but I couldn't even read that.

 

Paragraphs and punctuation are your friends . . . .

[Pierre]

It is a bit sad to see a nice woman married to a nice guy looking for more and more external validation. To the point of being humiliated by narcissistic MM.

[thefooloftheyear]

It is a bit sad to see a nice woman married to a nice guy looking for more and more external validation. To the point of being humiliated by narcissistic MM.

 

Well, I suppose so...

Edited March 21, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[wisernow]

I must have missed the point where she was humiliated, and where she said he had NPD. Can you refer me back to those posts please?

 

Yea, I certainly didn't read that this is some nice woman who got manipulated by some narcissist, rather she, is a horny, middle aged cheater, trolling for FB's on AM. I'd bet she's already searching for #3. The narcissist here, is her.

[Pierre]

I must have missed the point where she was humiliated, and where she said he had NPD. Can you refer me back to those posts please?

 

Here it is: Quite humiliating. Telling your OW 5 minutes after having sex that you had amazing kinky sex with your ex whom you are still seeing is narcissistic and suggest lack of empathy. He may not have NPD, but has narcissistic traits.

 

See the bold parts. See how he dumped her. See how she begged, pretty humiliating if you ask me.

 

Two weeks ago we met for lunch early in the week and decide to meet at our hotel room later that same week. We both took the day off work, went to lunch at one of our favorite places, he went shopping with me, then tour hotel room. It was the most amazing sex I've ever had! I felt completely open with him. We had started to explore our fantasies and it was just getting better and better. Now we are lying in bed and I told him things I wanted to do to him. Then he said "my ex-girlfriend wanted to do that and more." I asked "was she kinky" and he said "oh yes, very much." This sent me into a jealous rage! Why did I ask and was my reaction logical? Maybe not, but what woman in love, lying in bed with her man, wants to hear about the kinky ex-girlfriend! I felt immediately deflated, inadequate and definitely not sexualnymore. You see, I wanted to be his kinky sex goddess. I didn't want to hear about how he had that already with her.

 

I tried to explain that I couldn't handle hearingabout his ex and their sex life in that much detail. But I did take responsibility for the ruining our day together. He responded with "....I didn't think that telling you what my ex did was a big deal. I really like you as a person but I'm not going to do this anymore..." I flipped! I was devastated! I e-mailed him back, texted him twice and left a voice message basically begging him to give me another chance. It took him awhile but he said "NO, and it wasn't just that but that he didn't have the time for a girlfriend right now." That's BS because we were seeing each other regularly...I had no complaints. I begged him to at least have a phoneconversation with me

 

He did feel bad for breaking up like a coward over e-mail.

 

 

Hope that helps!

[Pierre]

Uh? My definition of nice isn't trolling for affairs on AM.

 

I agree, but I bet she seems real normal and nice in person. Her H probably thinks she is a catch.

[wisernow]

Did you read the words of the OP in bold???????????????

 

 

This is no interpretation.

 

 

I said the guy has narcissistic traits. I did not say he has NPD.

 

Nice debating tactic in changing the subject. Who cares why I post?

 

I still think she was mistreated, humiliated, and dumped over email. Just read her post.

 

What's to debate really? Don't you think they both had narcissistic traits? Do you somehow feel sorry for the way she was treated by her FB? I think it's really simple. She got emotionally involved with a man who she picked up for the explicit purpose to have a sexual relationship with. She made the unfortunate mistake of getting emotionally attached, became angered and jealous about his other relationships and he dumped her. He didn't sign up for the girlfriend experience. He (and she) mutually agreed to be FB's, nothing more. Now, she's sad and pissed. Boo, freaking hoo.

 

Even though she wrote a essay to detail every aspect of this situation, she could have summed it up like I did above.