We laughed, we cried, we had phone sex?!?!

[BrokenPrincess]

It's been 3 weeks since xMM broke NC. In the last week, he poured out how he felt about me, losing me, mailed me a letter & gift, we've been messaging and talked a few more times on his brand new burner phone. He wants me back in his life somehow. Last night was supposed to finally be our time to talk uninterrupted. I was getting the sense he was backing off, and when we had the call, we chatted brifely at first but it was awkard. And then we got into it.

 

I don't think I've had such a roller coaster of emotions in any conversation with anyone in my entire life. Basically he was having second thoughts about restarting the A because he's extremely paranoid about his W catching him, and I guess it sunk in what was at stake, losing his kids, house, reputation as a family man, etc. He said he's never and will never have anyone like me in his life, blah blah blah He started giving me the same speech from D-Day and I got mad.

 

Then he started crying softly and apologizing and then of course I started crying. Then we started talking again about "us," then about something mundane, then back to both crying. It was heart-breaking. For hours. We talked about our feelings and extensively what it would entail if we both got D. It's just not a reality for either of us.

 

**WARNING: TMI***

 

Then somehow, we started having phone sex for an hour. The intent & imagery was sweet & loving though, not primal or fevered like you would think of as make-up sex, etc.

 

Then we talked for another hour, I guess deciding on a "part-time" relationship. I don't know. So I think I am back in my A, but can an A underground be enjoyable? He already expressed that he can't give me the attention he used to and that he wants to.

 

My mind is all over the place, but I get the sense that going underground just isn't going to be satisfying for either of us and this will crash & burn from the weight of last D-Day.

[eleanorrigby]

You two will most likely have to go very underground to stay off the BW radar. (if she cares at all, I'm not sure about your story).

 

How do you feel about that possibility and a possible second D-day?

Is it worth it?

 

If it is, why not just figure out a way to end your marriage and move on with MM?

[threelaurels]

So I think I am back in my A, but can an A underground be enjoyable? He already expressed that he can't give me the attention he used to and that he wants to.

 

My mind is all over the place, but I get the sense that going underground just isn't going to be satisfying for either of us and this will crash & burn from the weight of last D-Day.

 

It depends. Are you happy being his secondary relationship or do you want to be his primary one?

 

How long ago was his d-day? If it was recent, his wife is probably still keeping tabs on him. She may be using tricks like having a recorder in his car, or she may even hire a private investigator if she suspects the affair is continuing. The likelihood of getting caught again is going to be much higher because she's already on alert.

[Poppy fields]

It sounds as though your part time R will be very part time. Is that something you think you can handle? It will not be all sweetness and closeness like it was last night. There will probably be much more hurried exchanges, as his wife is probably still on high alert. Are you ready for all that?

[BrokenPrincess]

DDay was 5 mos ago. They haven't talked about the A in months. She does not appear hyper vigilant.

 

After lots & lots of talking last night, I don't think either of us can D.

I don't know yet how "part-time" I am ok with. It looks like 2 calls 1-2 hrs each/wk will be the "norm", but we both travel for work. Next week he's away all week.

 

I never understood breadcrumbs but for the first time I think I do. And I'm not sure if I will be ok with it. I think in1-2 wks it will be clear if its something that's worth it or not.

 

I am curious to know how those with multiple DDays continued enjoying their A after the first one? Or was it just a downward spiral until you we're completely broken??

[Poppy fields]

I was done after the wife confronted me. I felt there would be a whole new level of sneaking about that I was not ready for. When we had the illusion of a fairly socially excepted relationship I was able to make concessions. But, once the cat was out of the bag somewhat I was not willing to have a shadows only relationship. I felt that I deserved more, and his family deserved more, too.

[whichwayisup]

BP, what about your husband in all this?

 

Seems the A is back on and that's exactly what your MM wants. He isn't looking to leave his marriage and divorce, start over. He likes his life as it is, he just enjoys it more with you in it as well.

 

So, ask yourself if risking all that you have in your life is worth continuing your A?

[wisernow]

It's been 3 weeks since xMM broke NC. In the last week, he poured out how he felt about me, losing me, mailed me a letter & gift, we've been messaging and talked a few more times on his brand new burner phone. He wants me back in his life somehow. Last night was supposed to finally be our time to talk uninterrupted. I was getting the sense he was backing off, and when we had the call, we chatted brifely at first but it was awkard. And then we got into it.

 

I don't think I've had such a roller coaster of emotions in any conversation with anyone in my entire life. Basically he was having second thoughts about restarting the A because he's extremely paranoid about his W catching him, and I guess it sunk in what was at stake, losing his kids, house, reputation as a family man, etc. He said he's never and will never have anyone like me in his life, blah blah blah He started giving me the same speech from D-Day and I got mad.

 

Then he started crying softly and apologizing and then of course I started crying. Then we started talking again about "us," then about something mundane, then back to both crying. It was heart-breaking. For hours. We talked about our feelings and extensively what it would entail if we both got D. It's just not a reality for either of us.

 

**WARNING: TMI***

 

Then somehow, we started having phone sex for an hour. The intent & imagery was sweet & loving though, not primal or fevered like you would think of as make-up sex, etc.

 

Then we talked for another hour, I guess deciding on a "part-time" relationship. I don't know. So I think I am back in my A, but can an A underground be enjoyable? He already expressed that he can't give me the attention he used to and that he wants to.

 

My mind is all over the place, but I get the sense that going underground just isn't going to be satisfying for either of us and this will crash & burn from the weight of last D-Day.

 

 

As opposed to what? It IS part time, was part time before the dday. He's only come around because he feels he's managed enough damage control at home to come sniffing around you again. And you let him. Wow!

 

He will use you as long as you settle for so little from yourself, are willing to continue to deceive your husband, and accept all the lies he knows you will so easily believe.

 

SMH.

[threelaurels]

DDay was 5 mos ago. They haven't talked about the A in months. She does not appear hyper vigilant.

 

After lots & lots of talking last night, I don't think either of us can D.

I don't know yet how "part-time" I am ok with. It looks like 2 calls 1-2 hrs each/wk will be the "norm", but we both travel for work. Next week he's away all week.

 

I never understood breadcrumbs but for the first time I think I do. And I'm not sure if I will be ok with it. I think in1-2 wks it will be clear if its something that's worth it or not.

 

I am curious to know how those with multiple DDays continued enjoying their A after the first one? Or was it just a downward spiral until you we're completely broken??

 

I assume that his wife did not contact your BH after the d-day. Does it change how you feel to know there is an increased likelihood that she will tell him if there is another d-day?

 

Her behavior does not sound normal to me for someone who has been betrayed by a spouse. It is definitely not how most people react. There is a possibility that she is trying to emotionally detach and is getting her ducks in a row, even if she is telling him she wants to stay.

 

I cannot really give judgement without knowing her and the situation, but I can say that the majority of people obsess over the affair at first, are suspicious of their SO, and often take years to heal from the pain.

 

If neither of you want to get divorced, you should not resume the affair. You are only increasing the likelihood that it will occur for one or both of you.

[Decorative]

Tell your husband.

 

That will probably knock the wind out of the affair feeling so sexy.

 

You'll see the hurt you are choosing.

[Lillyfree]

BP... don't do this to yourself and your family.

 

the fact that the conversation gravitated towards sex talk should tell you what this is about for him. no matter how sweet other things he said to you are.

 

were you hoping for more out of this conversation? because to me it seems like he's getting what he wants, and he has to put even less effort in. value yourself more than that...

[whichwayisup]

Then we talked for another hour, I guess deciding on a "part-time" relationship. I don't know. So I think I am back in my A, but can an A underground be enjoyable? He already expressed that he can't give me the attention he used to and that he wants to.

 

My mind is all over the place, but I get the sense that going underground just isn't going to be satisfying for either of us and this will crash & burn from the weight of last D-Day.

 

Sleep on this for a few days and DO go make an appt with your therapist and tell her what has happened, and open up to her.

 

BP, I really hope you don't go back to your A. Settling for less than it was before. So sucky and so not fair not only of course to your husband but to you! To settle for less than table scraps!

 

Fix your marriage or divorce, but don't go back into the A. Just not right for so many reasons.

[BrokenPrincess]

You guys are all right. I know it can't be like before in terms of all the communication nonstop everyday even while spouses were around, but I do think I need some kind of contact every day. And I really, really want to see him in person but due to distance this requires commitment & planning from both of us. I feel like he should be clamoring and begging me to try to make it happen asap.

 

What can I tell my therapist? There really isn't anything left to say. I can either find some strength & end this now, continue til I am reduced to a pathetic shell of myself & it all blows up, try to be a good OW and not be too femanding while living a double life, or end my M.

 

I'm on my way back home now. Maybe being back with my family will help give me strength.

 

The thought of NC again is so overwhelming. I am going to set a small goal instead not to send him one message tomorrow. Baby steps might make this less daunting.

[whichwayisup]

Let us be your therapist(s)!

 

Okay, why do you need to hear from him daily? Have that contact?

 

Is it true love or addicted feelings of lust that you want to rely on that makes you feel good? How much of this is about you and what you feel or do you genuinally miss him and love him, care about him, his life?

 

Doing this and starting up with him is asking for trouble. Fight it and don't be weak! NO GOOD is gonna come of this. I wish you strength to end it and tell him goodbye once and for all.

[BrokenPrincess]

BP, what about your husband in all this?

 

Good question. I have no idea where he is. Today I was scheduled to get my annual performance review, and based on the employees who went yesterday, there appears to be very serious uncertainties about the future of our jobs. I called H yesterday, freaking out and anxious about today's meeting with my boss. I am the breadwinner in our house, earning twice what my H makes, so we need my salary. And I do a specialized job that would probably require a major move to find something comparable to continue to support our family.

 

But despite that, haven't heard from H since then. No call, text, email, nothing. I sent him 3 texts this morning before my review and he still hasn't responded. That was 12 hours ago. Oh wait, cancel that. He just texted me to let me k ow the front door is unlocked. (End of text)

 

XMM on the other hand, sent me an encouraging message first thing this morning, again just before, then when I wrote back briefly that I was ok, he already responded and said he looks forward to hearing the full story.

 

So yeah. If you see my H, let me know.

[who_am_i]

i remember the initial breakup with my xMM...it was awful. when we finally spoke several weeks later all that pain was instantly gone. i knew what it felt like not to have him in my life and i thought anything had to be better then that. so, i lowered my standards and expectations...desperate to hang on, but that was almost just as painful.

 

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was so happy to hear from him that i couldn't see how the choice to see him again wasn't logical. i wanted to be with this guy more...yet agreed to less? going back just ended up making things worse.

 

i know all too well that when you love someone it's not easy to let them go. with that, i wish only the best for you.

[Decorative]

Good question. I have no idea where he is. Today I was scheduled to get my annual performance review, and based on the employees who went yesterday, there appears to be very serious uncertainties about the future of our jobs. I called H yesterday, freaking out and anxious about today's meeting with my boss. I am the breadwinner in our house, earning twice what my H makes, so we need my salary. And I do a specialized job that would probably require a major move to find something comparable to continue to support our family.

 

But despite that, haven't heard from H since then. No call, text, email, nothing. I sent him 3 texts this morning before my review and he still hasn't responded. That was 12 hours ago. Oh wait, cancel that. He just texted me to let me k ow the front door is unlocked. (End of text)

 

XMM on the other hand, sent me an encouraging message first thing this morning, again just before, then when I wrote back briefly that I was ok, he already responded and said he looks forward to hearing the full story.

 

So yeah. If you see my H, let me know.

 

 

Wow.

 

So angry.

 

First? Check and see if he actually received your texts.

 

And if he has- I would suspect he knows something is up with you.

 

Tell him the truth. you're idealizing a married man who is using you in a gross way- and you're going to debase yourself over it.

 

You can stop this. Right now.

[2sunny]

Good question. I have no idea where he is. Today I was scheduled to get my annual performance review, and based on the employees who went yesterday, there appears to be very serious uncertainties about the future of our jobs. I called H yesterday, freaking out and anxious about today's meeting with my boss. I am the breadwinner in our house, earning twice what my H makes, so we need my salary. And I do a specialized job that would probably require a major move to find something comparable to continue to support our family.

 

But despite that, haven't heard from H since then. No call, text, email, nothing. I sent him 3 texts this morning before my review and he still hasn't responded. That was 12 hours ago. Oh wait, cancel that. He just texted me to let me k ow the front door is unlocked. (End of text)

 

XMM on the other hand, sent me an encouraging message first thing this morning, again just before, then when I wrote back briefly that I was ok, he already responded and said he looks forward to hearing the full story.

 

So yeah. If you see my H, let me know.

 

Yet you stay married? Why?

 

Why not leave? You are allowing it - only blame yourself. Your H doesn't provide what you need - yet you don't leave him.

 

You're a victim of your choices.

[BrokenPrincess]

I AM irritated & hurt that I was awake all night then had to wait all day, worrying if I was going to go home with a job. It's hard to carry all the weight of financially supporting your family.

 

And it doesn't matter if H got my texts today or not. I talked to him last night about the situation and he knew today was the big meeting. I think it's a fair expectation to at least demonstrate some concern for his family's primary income.

 

Anyway sorry for the rant. I'm almost home and I'm completely exhausted. It's been a really long week, not even taking into account the xMM factor. I need to take a shower and get some sleep.

[2sunny]

I AM irritated & hurt that I was awake all night then had to wait all day, worrying if I was going to go home with a job. It's hard to carry all the weight of financially supporting your family.

 

And it doesn't matter if H got my texts today or not. I talked to him last night about the situation and he knew today was the big meeting. I think it's a fair expectation to at least demonstrate some concern for his family's primary income.

 

Anyway sorry for the rant. I'm almost home and I'm completely exhausted. It's been a really long week, not even taking into account the xMM factor. I need to take a shower and get some sleep.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I'm also sad you stay with a man who doesn't participate in your relationship.

 

If you don't plan to leave then the only one to blame for your unhappiness is you.

 

You have choices! Since you're not happy with your H - why would you stay?

[LFH]

Are you going to be ok with less? Will he work with you to prevent a large minimization of your time?

 

Your husband doesn't know right? Would he care? I ask because this does not sound like a man who cares to bothered with the day to day care a relationship requires at the moment.

Edited March 21, 2013 by LFH

[whichwayisup]

BP, go back and re-read your other and older threads. Try to remember the crap stuff about your A and all that you've been through, all the excuses MM has fed you along the way.

[2sunny]

I really don't understand what he's offered you this time around... Except to be sure your expectations are even lower than before.

 

He's now told you to be an even bigger secret, and to expect very little from him.

 

Why is that demeaning agreement even remotely attractive?

 

Then he lowers the bar even more with phone sex? How degrading.

 

I'm sad you think this is a wise choice for yourself.

[Catplates]

AAh... it all felt so good to be back in contact with him.

 

I have been there and had the discussions on how to make it work for both of you and how to get around the ****.

 

In a little while, you will find that nothing has basically changed. He is still a married man and you are still the OW, sneaking around to be with him.

 

One day, I do hope for you, you will get sick of the back and forth, on and off thing. It's wonderful when you reunite, then you find that everything is really the same as it was before you broke up.

 

Cat

[KathyM]

I don't see the point in starting up with this guy again. Don't lower yourself. Do you really want to live a double life, lying to your husband and family? You will be getting crumbs from both relationships. You will have a shell of a marriage while your emotions are invested in the affair, and you will have a brief little romp for a couple of hours with a married guy once a week, while destroying his marriage. Neither relationship (with husband and with MM) will be fulfilling. You will just have a façade with both relationships.