We laughed, we cried, we had phone sex?!?!

[veryhappy]

You are not done with the A. You will go back until you'll know you're better off without it.

 

You've said several times that you don't want to lose your M. Have some plan if there's going to be a dday for you.

[BetrayedH]

Good question. I have no idea where he is. Today I was scheduled to get my annual performance review, and based on the employees who went yesterday, there appears to be very serious uncertainties about the future of our jobs. I called H yesterday, freaking out and anxious about today's meeting with my boss. I am the breadwinner in our house, earning twice what my H makes, so we need my salary. And I do a specialized job that would probably require a major move to find something comparable to continue to support our family.

 

But despite that, haven't heard from H since then. No call, text, email, nothing. I sent him 3 texts this morning before my review and he still hasn't responded. That was 12 hours ago. Oh wait, cancel that. He just texted me to let me k ow the front door is unlocked. (End of text)

 

XMM on the other hand, sent me an encouraging message first thing this morning, again just before, then when I wrote back briefly that I was ok, he already responded and said he looks forward to hearing the full story.

 

So yeah. If you see my H, let me know.

 

It is unfair to compare your H with your AP. Your H has no idea he is in competition with someone for his wife. Your H may just see you as a big girl that can handle her career and doesn't need her husband bugging her with texts when she's going to be home tomorrow. And while I respect that this job has a big financial impact, I don't think it is the greatest sin for him not to be overly concerned about money. He may figure that the money doesn't matter as long as you have each other.

 

Meanwhile your MM knows he can get some phone sex from you if he just provides a little extra attention. But he's the good guy?

 

If you want to keep your M, it is your H you should be having phone sex with.

 

And everyone else here is right; going back to your MM is a freakin' disaster waiting to happen. Wake up. The grass is greenest where you water it. Keep investing in this affair and sitting back judging your H's every move is going to leave your M a mess and all you'll have is a crappy affair to show for it.

 

I don't know your full story so forgive me if I am off but my advice is to drag your H to marriage counseling and make a serious commitment to make your marriage work. Or get the hell out of it.

[LFH]

It is unfair to compare your H with your AP. Your H has no idea he is in competition with someone for his wife. Your H may just see you as a big girl that can handle her career and doesn't need her husband bugging her with texts when she's going to be home tomorrow. And while I respect that this job has a big financial impact, I don't think it is the greatest sin for him not to be overly concerned about money. He may figure that the money doesn't matter as long as you have each other.

So is it better to know that he would invest more if he knew he was competing? Shouldn't he be doing those things without feeling like he has to win? Shouldn't her husband be wanting to treat her the best way he can without it being a competition?

I've never understood that. People do it when they are dating, or when they feel threatened in a relationship, pull out all the stops, but why can't they be bothered when they have nothing to prove?

I don't know a woman alive that would think her husband was "bugging her with texts" if she got a text from her partner that said "Hey, I know today's gonna be rough. I'm thinking of you, I love you."

Some people just can't be bothered to make those small efforts and that's not really ok.

And as far as the financial aspect goes, maybe he isn't concerned about it, but the fact that SHE is tells me that she's been the grown up in the relationship for a long time, and it wouldn't hurt him to be supportive of the fact that she's concerned for her sake even if it isn't pressing to him.

[BrokenPrincess]

It is unfair to compare your H with your AP. Your H has no idea he is in competition with someone for his wife. Your H may just see you as a big girl that can handle her career and doesn't need her husband bugging her with texts when she's going to be home tomorrow. And while I respect that this job has a big financial impact, I don't think it is the greatest sin for him not to be overly concerned about money. He may figure that the money doesn't matter as long as you have each other.

 

Well thats nice in theory, but love doesn't pay the mortgage, pay the credit cards, or buy the diapers. Yes I can handle my career but when I call my H the night before during the 10 minutes free I have on the entire trip to tell him that others were told to start seeing what other jobs may be out there for them, I would think that would be worth at least asking once how it went.

 

But yeah I guess he doesn't need tone overly concerned since its not on his shoulders? Seriously?

 

But regardless, I finally got some some sleep and hopefully some perspective. So officially at 1 day, 5 hours NC but not feeling that great about it.

[JPMC]

I think you should break up with your husband and go to your MM. Then you two can be together and support one another through you divorces. Love conquers all right?

 

You will have a great relationship with your soul mate with the solid foundation of cheating on your exes.

 

You can explain to your children why you abandoned them because of the quest of discovering your soul mate.

 

You'll be broke living paycheck to paycheck because even though you'll be getting child support, your MM will have to pay it out.

 

You sound like a real catch. Go ahead try living out your fantasy. Give your husband the 10% effort your giving him.

[BetrayedH]

So is it better to know that he would invest more if he knew he was competing? Shouldn't he be doing those things without feeling like he has to win? Shouldn't her husband be wanting to treat her the best way he can without it being a competition?

I've never understood that. People do it when they are dating, or when they feel threatened in a relationship, pull out all the stops, but why can't they be bothered when they have nothing to prove?

I don't know a woman alive that would think her husband was "bugging her with texts" if she got a text from her partner that said "Hey, I know today's gonna be rough. I'm thinking of you, I love you."

Some people just can't be bothered to make those small efforts and that's not really ok.

And as far as the financial aspect goes, maybe he isn't concerned about it, but the fact that SHE is tells me that she's been the grown up in the relationship for a long time, and it wouldn't hurt him to be supportive of the fact that she's concerned for her sake even if it isn't pressing to him.

 

I hear what you are saying. And if it were me, I know I would have called my wife to see how it went. I don't have enough information to defend the guy. Maybe he's a jerk; maybe he was tending to the house and kids.

 

But I do know that my wife made a lot of comparisons between her affair dynamics and our marital dynamics. We had been together nearly 20 years when she started her affair. As much as I would have liked for romantic love to be at the forefront of our relationship, the fact is that long-term relationships evolve from that intense romance into something else. Romantic love is very fleeting. After a number of years, you've heard each others' jokes 50 times; you're not impressed with their glory days; you've seen each other at your worst. In a healthy marriage, you understand that over the long term the love between you changes to something more akin to a deep mutual respect and admiration. It isn't all sunshine and sunflowers. And there are life's distractions like diapers, business trips, soccer games and the like. And I do think we make some mistakes in taking the relationship for granted more than we should. Once you are committed to one another for life, you feel some safety in knowing that sometimes you can focus on other things and that you still have each others' backs. I certainly wish I had made more of an effort to keep the romance alive; it's certainly not that I didn't want the romance to be there. But we had a hell of a time just trying to find any time. My kids were 3 and 7 at the time and we both had FT jobs.

 

Meanwhile her AP didn't share any of the stress of that homelife with her. There were no diapers or soccer games, no shares financial stressors. All he had to do was "ooh and ahh" over what she was doing, show her his very best side, and meet up for mid-day hotels. I wish I had known we had $1500 to spend on mid-day hotels because I'd have been happy to have been there with her instead of him.

 

Most of all, I just wish my wife had spoken up. I agree that I shouldn't have to be in competition in order to romance my wife. Honestly, I just wish I had known that she wasn't happy. I really think she had an obligation to speak up. And I do think it was unfair to compare her romance with the OM against her faithful husband that was home with the kids half the time she was with the dude. Maybe I could have romanced her more. But I was investing in us and our family while she was investing in him. He had the easy job.

[JPMC]

With a wife like Broken Princess, why would her BS care? She's not giving her BS anything emotionally. He might not know about the affair, but he knows she's checked out emotionally.

 

I'm sure she lets him know she makes twice as much as he does all the time.

[BetrayedH]

Well thats nice in theory, but love doesn't pay the mortgage, pay the credit cards, or buy the diapers. Yes I can handle my career but when I call my H the night before during the 10 minutes free I have on the entire trip to tell him that others were told to start seeing what other jobs may be out there for them, I would think that would be worth at least asking once how it went.

 

But yeah I guess he doesn't need tone overly concerned since its not on his shoulders? Seriously?

 

But regardless, I finally got some some sleep and hopefully some perspective. So officially at 1 day, 5 hours NC but not feeling that great about it.

 

I don't mean to lecture and if it were me, I would've called.

 

I would just say two things:

(1) It's clear that you harbor some resentment for your husband over the disparity income and/or his passive approach to it. But an affair doesn't solve that. It takes courage to sit down and have a very serious conversation about how it is becoming a serious dealbreaker for you. If he doesn't take it seriously enough, then you demand marriage counseling so that you have an onjective third party there to help negotiate the dispute.

(2) Again, don't compare your AP with your husband. Your AP doesn't have any shared responsibilities with you. He doesn't have to negotiate with you. He doesn't have to change diapers. For him, it's as easy as listening to you vent and to chime in with an occassional, "How awful for you. I would never leave all this on your shoulders." He doesn't actually have to follow-thru with jack-crap. But give him the same length of time with you and he might be just as bad as your husband or worse. But he certainly won't show any of that to you now. He shows you only his best side; you already know your husband's worst side. It's an unfair comparison.

 

What I have heard in this thread is that you have no intention of leaving your marriage but you've developed a deep resentment for your husband over what may be many issues. An affair does nothing to solve any of those problems and brings along plenty of its own problems. Instead of investing further in the affair, I hope you invest more in your marriage. Confront and resolve the resentment, rebuild what brought you together, and stop investing in an affair that brings you nothing but pain over the long term.

[BrokenPrincess]

Thanks BH. You're right. Making more money than him has never bothered me before, but I guess now that we have a child, I'm feeling a LOT more pressure because its not just us anymore that need to eat, you know? Plus, actually being a mom has changed some of my views on motherhood.

 

It hurt me a lot more than I thought it would when I had to go back to work, and I think I'm having a hard time trying to have it all. When I went back (demanding job with a decent amount if travel) I kind of disconnected from my family. They didnt really seem to need me. Everything was under control when I was gone, they built routines, and I felt like an outsider.

 

Looking back, I can see it although I wasnt fully aware at the time. I thought maybe it was just postpartum, but the dr said I was fine. A couple months in is when my A started. And with MM, I had someone who (sort of) needed me, aside from getting the groceries & taking all the dirty diapers.

[2sunny]

Thanks BH. You're right. Making more money than him has never bothered me before, but I guess now that we have a child, I'm feeling a LOT more pressure because its not just us anymore that need to eat, you know? Plus, actually being a mom has changed some of my views on motherhood.

 

It hurt me a lot more than I thought it would when I had to go back to work, and I think I'm having a hard time trying to have it all. When I went back (demanding job with a decent amount if travel) I kind of disconnected from my family. They didnt really seem to need me. Everything was under control when I was gone, they built routines, and I felt like an outsider.

 

Looking back, I can see it although I wasnt fully aware at the time. I thought maybe it was just postpartum, but the dr said I was fine. A couple months in is when my A started. And with MM, I had someone who (sort of) needed me, aside from getting the groceries & taking all the dirty diapers.

 

Being a mom changed your views? So - assuming that you may have a daughter - would you suggest she stay married and cheat like you do?

 

You are an example for your child by the behavior you show them.

 

You and your H are completely disconnected. Why is that an example you want your child to have for the basis of a M hey will someday choose?

 

You lead by example - your lead needs improving.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks BH. You're right. Making more money than him has never bothered me before, but I guess now that we have a child, I'm feeling a LOT more pressure because its not just us anymore that need to eat, you know? Plus, actually being a mom has changed some of my views on motherhood.

 

It hurt me a lot more than I thought it would when I had to go back to work, and I think I'm having a hard time trying to have it all. When I went back (demanding job with a decent amount if travel) I kind of disconnected from my family. They didnt really seem to need me. Everything was under control when I was gone, they built routines, and I felt like an outsider.

 

Looking back, I can see it although I wasnt fully aware at the time. I thought maybe it was just postpartum, but the dr said I was fine. A couple months in is when my A started. And with MM, I had someone who (sort of) needed me, aside from getting the groceries & taking all the dirty diapers.

 

I think what you have written above is the exact conversation you should have with your husband, even if you leave out the affair part of it all. My wife had unresolved resentment over a variety of things - my weight, my smoking, feeling like she needed more help around the house. The problem is that none of them really came out until after I discovered her affair and was left asking, "Why?" She just plain didn't have the courage to confront me with those resentments. It's really just sad. Because had I known how unhappy she was, that she had been considering a separation or divorce, I would have stepped up. After she first mentioned separating (but before I knew about the affair), she watched me make a serious effort to change all those things and I really made a big impact. She later said she felt "stupid" for not having tried harder to talk to me. None of my bad habits were worth losing my marriage. I really just never knew how much of an impact they were having on her. Now I'm an advocate for unhappy spouses making ultimatums. Unresolved resentment will kill a relationship. If my wife had just had the courage to tell me what was really making her unhappy, I would have had a chance to react. But instead she engaged with an OM and by comparison, I'm sure her marriage looked lackluster. By the time I had any real clue, she was emotionally long gone and over a year in her A. It was all so unnecessary. I'd have done anything for her.

Edited March 22, 2013 by BetrayedH

[LFH]

Thanks BH. You're right. Making more money than him has never bothered me before, but I guess now that we have a child, I'm feeling a LOT more pressure because its not just us anymore that need to eat, you know? Plus, actually being a mom has changed some of my views on motherhood.

 

It hurt me a lot more than I thought it would when I had to go back to work, and I think I'm having a hard time trying to have it all. When I went back (demanding job with a decent amount if travel) I kind of disconnected from my family. They didnt really seem to need me. Everything was under control when I was gone, they built routines, and I felt like an outsider.

 

Looking back, I can see it although I wasnt fully aware at the time. I thought maybe it was just postpartum, but the dr said I was fine. A couple months in is when my A started. And with MM, I had someone who (sort of) needed me, aside from getting the groceries & taking all the dirty diapers.

I think you just realized something really important.

 

I think what you have written above is the exact conversation you should have with your husband, even if you leave out the affair part of it all. My wife had unresolved resentment over a variety of things - my weight, my smoking, feeling like she needed more help around the house. The problem is that none of them really came out until after I discovered her affair and was left asking, "Why?" She just plain didn't have the courage to confront me with those resentments. It's really just sad. Because had I known how unhappy she was, that she had been considering a separation or divorce, I would have stepped up. After she first mentioned separating (but before I knew about the affair), she watched me make a serious effort to change all those things and I really made a big impact. She later said she felt "stupid" for not having tried harder to talk to me. None of my bad habits were worth losing my marriage. I really just never knew how much of an impact they were having on her. Now I'm an advocate for unhappy spouses making ultimatums. Unresolved resentment will kill a relationship. If my wife had just had the courage to tell me what was really making her unhappy, I would have had a chance to react. But instead she engaged with an OM and by comparison, I'm sure her marriage looked lackluster. By the time I had any real clue, she was emotionally long gone and over a year in her A. It was all so unnecessary. I'd have done anything for her.

 

Both of these posts make me really sad.

I so wish so many marriages/relationships didn't end up like that.