Help

[unsureofthings]

Hey guys.... needs some help desperately

 

A month ago my wife and seperated. She moved back to her parents place and I've been a wreck ever since. What kills me is how we've only been married for 11 months. We were arguing alot the last few months till she finally moved out. I didnt want her to and tried to express that but there was no stopping her. It always seemed like I was the only one fighting for her and the relationship. We got so heated up the last month or so that I didnt even care that she was going. To be honest, I could wait because I was sick of walking on egg shells. Well, about four days after she left I felt terrible, like I failed or something. Now, I desperately want her back. I called her three weeks ago and basically told her everything that she wanted to hear so that she'd come back. She said that she would think about it and that was three weeks ago. The more the days pass, the angrier I get inside. I dont know if I want her back because she's gone and I dont want to be alone or I acutally want her back because I really love and miss her?

 

Everyone keeps telling me to play the NC rule and I have as I havent spoken to her for three weeks now. Is this enough time? Do I keep waiting? Apart of me just wants to call already to break the ice and ask her to do something. I wont even mention the realationship at all so there isnt any pressure. Do I send a email? I dont know, I'm just sick of playing these stupid games. She's the most stubborn person in the world so I know if she wants to call, she wont becuase of it.

 

Any advice would help..

[rble618740]

Unsure of Things:

 

I'm back! I tried to send you a post a while ago, but I don't think it went through. My mother had emergency brain surgery (aneurysm) and was given a 1/3 chance of surviving. She's doing very well. Anyway, I haven't been able to check in for a while.

 

If you recall, my husband and I had been married 9 months when he surprised me by packing up and moving out. He did so with NO intentions of ever coming back. He left one day and moved his stuff the next. I made some significant changes in my approach to him and we began having some good conversations in the first days after he left. Then we went to a few marriage counseling sessions. Three weeks ago he asked to come home on a "trial basis" and I agreed. So far things have been o.k., but he's still undecided about whether he wants to be married. He doesn't think there's someone else out there better for him, he thinks I'm a great wife, he just doesn't know if he can give up any of his independence. He doesn't want to have to consider anyone else in his decisions. It's a hard pill to swallow - having him home but knowing he's unsure of whether he wants to be my husband.

 

When he first left ALL I could think about was getting him home. Then I began to 1. Affirm and 2. Assert. I would affirm my love for him, affirm my commitment to our marriage, acknowledge my part in our marriage's current condition, and assert to him the things I saw as core issues (my perception that he was not committed, my belief that our marriage was not a priority to him, and that - from my point of view - he was not proactive about changing things before walking out). We started spending some time together ("dating") and that lasted a while. I finally told him that I did not want to "date" my husband any longer and that I didn't want to make anymore small talk with him. If he wanted to work on us or talk about us, he could give me a call. He did the next night. The following Friday (after he tried to call and I reiterated that I didn't want to just "chat" with him) he asked to try being home again.

 

After our first marriage counseling session, though, I did not hear from him for a week. I tried to call him and couldn't get a hold of him. When I finally heard from him I told him that I am still his wife and I shouldn't go for a week at a time without knowing how to get in touch with him, hearing from him, etc. I'm afriad to recommend that you do the same, because these things are so different from case to case. I think no contact is o.k. in some circumstances, but I think it is unreasonable to expect someone to not have contact with their spouse for months at a time.

 

Will your wife go to counseling? Will she read some books if you suggest or recommend them to her? Where are you emotionally? At this point, I feel like telling my husband that if he doesn't know if he wants to be married - he probably doesn't. At least I have been patient, taken the high ground, done more to save this marriage than most people would. Do that - not for her, but for yourself. If this marriage ends, know that it was out of your control, it was a reflection on her lack of commitment, that it was she who ended it. I have taken on a whole different attitude about everything. I am focusing on being a good wife, regardless of whether he's a good husband. I don't see my obligation as dependent on his meeting his obligations. I have reestablished my relationship with God. That's been my BEST move in this whole scenario. I give him my pain, I am patient because I know that he does not work on my schedule, and I don't try to persuade my husband about anything because I know God has a plan for our marriage. I'm just living and learning to be a better me. I believe it is what has gotten my husband back into our home and me back into a functional emotional state.

 

I know all I've done is told you my story, but I hoped that would help. I don't know what questions you need answered. Please feel free to ask me anything about my situation that you might find helpful. I am an open book on this dilemma because you're just a few steps behind me on this unnatural marital path. I don't know where I'm going, but to the extent that it helps to know someone is treading the ground before you, please lean on me.

[Scott S]

Hello rble618740!

 

Glad to hear your mother is doing well!

 

Enjoyed reading your post. Very solid advice for coping with all this. Fix what you need to fix, take ownership of yourself, & reasonably expect your spouse to do likewise. You've taken very high ground, although undoubtedly struggling to get there & stay there.