No Insecurities?

[Caitlin]

I'm friends with a guy, who I've known for a year, and am interested in. Yet I'm put off, by some things I just find hard to believe.

 

He categorically denies having any insecurities, and can't recall having any. He's 44. Apparently, he has never felt jealous in his life, ie when a man has shown interest in a GF of his. But then he also claims he has never been in love, which might explain that. He is adamant he needs nobody. He is fond of pointing out my faults, and there appear to be plenty of them, yet he says its for my sake. But he'll speak highly of me to other people.

 

In many ways he's a great guy, being generous with help, and caring for my welfare. He's great company and trustworthy. I don't want to misjudge him, but I do find it difficult to believe what he says. Is it possible? Do you think they mean anything?

[Tony T]

I think anything's possible. But generally people who point out the faults of others do so because of insecurities. Perhaps he feels none because he's used to putting others down...and making himself feel good.

 

If he doesn't have any insecurities and he trusts you, there is no reason for him to be jealous. Psychologically healthy people don't need anybody and that's the kind of person you want...a person who wants to be with you because he WANTS you, not because he NEEDS you. Rationally, nobody NEEDS anybody. If that were so and the person you needed wasn't available, you'd be in a lot of trouble. It sounds very romantic for a guy to tell you he needs you but rationally that's a lot of rubbish.

 

There are many people who have been in love but really didn't know it. There are others who actually have never felt being in love. That doesn't make them incapable of having a relationship.

 

My overall feeling is that, in truth, this guy has more insecurities than most people and is terrified of love. He points out your faults to convince himself not to get too close or to fall in love.

 

The guy's not bad and in ways is pretty psychologically balanced. He has a lot of very admirable traits...those that many women would admire and respect. But where his heart is concerned, I don't think he's a candidate for a very satisfying romance...or marriage.

 

How can a woman feel loved, desired and secure in a relationship if the guy can't feel love and make her feel she is important in his life? But I think he will make you a great and loyal friend for life.

[Nic]

i believe that anyone who says they have no insecurities at all, isn't human.

 

him pointing out your faults is probably just a way of him trying to make himself feel better about who he is and a way to take the heat off his own faults. to me, that's a sign of insecurity in itself. he speaks highly of you to other people because he means what he says about you to them. he probably thinks very highly of you, yet at the same time, he will point out your flaws to you only because it makes him feel less insecure about himself.

 

you don't have to believe what he says. in the whole scheme of things, it really isn't that important. next time he points out a fault, just say, "and it's my faults that make me special and unique. i'm glad you can see that"

 

he's trustworthy, good company, generous and caring, so you really don't have too much to worry about unless his pointing out your faults becomes too much to handle and gets in the way of this otherwise very good friendship.

I'm friends with a guy, who I've known for a year, and am interested in. Yet I'm put off, by some things I just find hard to believe. He categorically denies having any insecurities, and can't recall having any. He's 44. Apparently, he has never felt jealous in his life, ie when a man has shown interest in a GF of his. But then he also claims he has never been in love, which might explain that. He is adamant he needs nobody. He is fond of pointing out my faults, and there appear to be plenty of them, yet he says its for my sake. But he'll speak highly of me to other people. In many ways he's a great guy, being generous with help, and caring for my welfare. He's great company and trustworthy. I don't want to misjudge him, but I do find it difficult to believe what he says. Is it possible? Do you think they mean anything?

[Ed]

There are insecurities here. We all have them to one degree or another. But do not expect him to admit it. Your friend has done a very good job at maintaining his composure through all kinds potentially painful relationships. I am sure that he has felt love before and experienced the loss of love. He has learned how to cope with it, in his own way. What he tells you, he believes to be true. And he can prove it, just try him. He is fully prepared and ready for the Battle of Emotions.

 

You have expressed an interest in him beyond friendship. I don't know if you have discussed this interest with him or not. Even if you haven't, he probably is aware of it. He is letting you come to him, so that if things don't work out he can deny to himself that he was ever interested. Doing it this way will enable him to more easily carry on after (as he sees it) the inevitable breakup. He will want you to do most of the emotional work. The less he invests, the less he losses.

 

If you want to try to have something more than friendship with him, let him know of your interest (if you have not already). Then let him come to you. Make him show you that HE WANTS something more with you. Make him play by your rules and make him show you love, consistently, over a long period of time, before considering taking the relationship to a higher level.

 

No matter which way you decide to go about it, if you become more than friends with him, be prepared for a very long struggle. Are you sure you're up to it?

[Deejette]

People who say they have no insecurities are not letting themselves be vulnerable to love and all the attendant emotions. They build a wall of protection around themselves and then announce to the world, "You can't hurt me, I am so secure, nothing will shake me." But this very self-protectiveness is a sign of great insecurity. This is a sign that the person is really afraid of being hurt.

 

He also announced to you that he is invulnerable to love and has never been in love before. This might be an intriguing challenge to you to have him fall in love with you. But his fault-finding is not really romantic. He may be trying to improve you as a person, and that is OK for a friend, I guess (though I wouldn't like it, because who are they to be pointing out my faults in an attempt to make a better me), but not for a lover.

 

So, if you declare your interest in him, be prepared for some analytical coldness. He might even list out things you need to improve before you can graduate to the realm of being his GF.

There are insecurities here. We all have them to one degree or another. But do not expect him to admit it. Your friend has done a very good job at maintaining his composure through all kinds potentially painful relationships. I am sure that he has felt love before and experienced the loss of love. He has learned how to cope with it, in his own way. What he tells you, he believes to be true. And he can prove it, just try him. He is fully prepared and ready for the Battle of Emotions. You have expressed an interest in him beyond friendship. I don't know if you have discussed this interest with him or not. Even if you haven't, he probably is aware of it. He is letting you come to him, so that if things don't work out he can deny to himself that he was ever interested. Doing it this way will enable him to more easily carry on after (as he sees it) the inevitable breakup. He will want you to do most of the emotional work. The less he invests, the less he losses.

 

If you want to try to have something more than friendship with him, let him know of your interest (if you have not already). Then let him come to you. Make him show you that HE WANTS something more with you. Make him play by your rules and make him show you love, consistently, over a long period of time, before considering taking the relationship to a higher level. No matter which way you decide to go about it, if you become more than friends with him, be prepared for a very long struggle. Are you sure you're up to it?