tornlady Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Hey everybody I found this site when I typed up leaving my husband. I am 26 year old female and have been with my husband married 1 year but we have been together now for 10. When I first met him I was 16 was a bad time in my family life, I knew he was heavy into smoking pot, but I never thought that it affected him as much as it did. I began smoking alot also. Today I have no need for it. I lived these 9 years letting him smoke as much as he wanted to, when we got married last July I did a complete turn around, I was starting to think about having kids, and I was wanting a more fulfilling relationship, I am finding more and more that I am growing away from this man, I keep going over and over in my head how this can be happening. The conversations that him and I have had over the course of the year seem to go no where. He has been doing well with the drug end of it, still smoking it but definitely come down a lot, he will have a hoot only in the evenings before bed, considering he used to smoke 7 a day. But as time goes on, I find myself completely unhappy with our relationship, there is no passion, no general conversation and if there is it's always about work. The arguing seems to be getting worse and ya know it’s over the stupidest things. We used to have a great relationship, we never yell at each other even to this day. There is never any crazy name calling or outrageous fights. I think sometimes maybe the way I am feeling is somewhat needy. Needy for what? Well love, tenderness, passion, the feeling of being that lady on his pedestal, having fun with each other which hasn’t happened in some time. Our sex life has completely hit rock bottom, the passion I once felt for this man has lessened and lessened. My heart breaks bc I don’t know how I got here and it breaks even worse to think that I might completely crush this man bc I am so unhappy and have been thinking about alternatives, leaving. I have talked to him about a lot of these issues and it has come down to emotional breakdowns with both of us. We have been together now for 10 years been married one full year now, and I disappoint myself, I feel like my marriage is failing. I have talked to him about all these issues that go through my head and my heart, but I feel like he doesn’t hear me, or there is no effort. He has said to me before that he doesn’t know what to say and that me not being here would be the end of the world, which I know for him it is, he’s a very kind, compassionate, tender man but sometimes I feel like I am married to an 80 year old man. I want to be taken off guard, or I am always waiting for him to do something out of the blue, something that is going to rekindle that spark we once had but it never seems to happen. Sometimes I think it’s me, that I am looking for something that’s not there and maybe just dealing with what I have is the way I am going to have to go!! Then I feel like I am settling for something that I long for and I keep thinking that there is something out there that is sooooo right for me. For me in comes down to the little things that are so important to me in a relationship and if there not there now what’s it going to be like in another 5 years………… As I sit here writing this to you, my eyes continually tear and my heart breaks bc I have never been here in my life. I find myself avoiding the man that I once loved so dearly, I love him and will love him forever but I feel my needs and what I want out of life have been changing drastically. I go over an over in my head what I want to say to him but I feel a loss of words, bc I feel petty and I wish I could be that bitch to walk in and dump it on him, but then I always think of the other persons feelings and breaking someone’s heart isn’t so easy when someone loves u so much, but if he does love me so much why is there no effort coming from him. I also feel like I am going to disappoint everyone, my family bc they think he is the greatest thing in the world, which he is but I feel like I am not fulfilled, just typing all this makes me feel so selfish. When we have our sit downs and talk about these issues, it's always me in the weeks to come to come up with somthing for "us" to do, to be able to spend some time with one another. Then after a couple weekes in falls into the same grey area. I appreciate everyone that has taken the time to read this, I just needed to vent a little, just to write this all down helps, having no one to really listen to what I have to say really sucks, bc around here your business seems to be everyone’s even tho u try to confide in one friend!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornlady Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 Sorry I have more to add.......................... I know that people change and as we go through life and marriage it is definately a joint effort. I try to talk to him about all this and somehow or other everything gets changed around and how I am feeling isn't how I am feeling, how he does this to me I have no idea. Or I get frustrated with repeating myself over and over and I drop it!! I am getting tired of struggling with my-self and him, I want to be happy!! I have never in my life been so depressed and unhappy with the way my life is going. I don't understand how two people who were so in love can all of sudden have so many problems. I constantly think about how I settled. I have known him for a long time and I did know how he was, but I tended to let things slide, but to me he has gotten worse. He came into my life when I needed him the most, the younger home life for me at this time wasn't the greates, and he was loving, touchy, and he was someone who like to do the things I do, riding, hiking ect but it's gone. He lives and dreams work, to just be able to come home and cuddle up on the couch with my husband, having the passionate kiss is somthing I have longed for, for some time. Being that I have brought these issues up to him, is somthing else that breaks my heart, and to keep bringing them up makes me feel petty and that i am hounding him, is this really something that should ruin our marriage these are the questions i ask myself, am i going to be completely miserable in 5 years, if I try and tuff it out, and If I am wasting my time. I feel like I am being hard on him sometimes, he is caring and gentle but again lacking in the area's that I need and want most, this is where I feel like I am being the selfish one! He's not a huggy kissy cuddle on the couch kind of guy...........but he used to be so where did it go????? I also find myself avoiding situations with him sometimes, bc sometimes I think I have made my mind up but don't know how to get there!!!Maybe I am not seeing him trying!! But one little peck here and there doesn't satisfy me!! I think to sometimes that maybe I am going through a midlife crisis ALREADY~!!!!!!! and I am only 26!!! I feel like maybe I have changed, I knew he smoked pot when i met him and yes it always did bother me and I sat silent, until the last year, I was tired of our life going no where, I was ready for kids after I got married then something changed and yes maybe it was me and yes maybe I am being selfish in my wants and needs, but for me to be happy I need this!! Maybe I am not giving him the chance to catch up with me!! I have been with this guy since I was 16 and now that I am older I know what I want, and I feel like I didn't get a chance to live my life the way I wanted to!! I don't regret the years before but I feel like somewhere in my life I am not fulfilled!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornlady Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 no responses this morning! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Everything is fine!!!! Everything that you're experiencing and going through is typical. You're 10 years younger than I am so I'm going to think back when I was your age. At 26, my wife and I have been married for nearly 8 years already. We got into the routine of things and I was in your shoes. My wife was the one not really concentrating on our relationship. She was in her comfort zone if you know what I mean. She wasn't unhappy or anything. She was just riding the wave so to speak. To her, as long as I brought home a paycheck and we made it week to week and fed and clothed our kids, that's all she was really concerned about. I was feeling all alone, no sex, no hugs in the morning or after work. No, "How was your day hun?", no nothin'!!! This went on forever and I did want to leave. I felt like I was the only one who saw what was going on. We wouldn't go anywhere, we wouldn't do anything. I could literally walk through the house on a Saturday without saying a single word and make it through the day without anyone asking me what was wrong. We were THAT NUMB!!!. I felt like as if she simply settled for me and deep down she was wanting more. There were all kinds of thoughts going through my head. We were in a rut and it was up to me to get us unstuck. I'm not sticking up for your husband. But if he went from smokin' 7 jays to 1 in the evening, he's doing really good and is going through a change right now. That will probably take a while to adjust. That may be part of his neglect towards you. Some people can go through all kinds of changes all at once, us less capable people seem to need to focus on one thing at a time. Sometimes when it's a goal that we are dedicated to achieviing, others around us are secondary, and unfortunatley, they sometimes suffer. Now, I wasn't going through any changes when my wife and I were in our rut. So what I did was institute OUR night out. Every Saturday night I had a sitter show up and the wife and I left the house and spent some time together. Sometimes, we didn't have the money to go to a movie, or dinner, or really anything. SO, we went, "DREAM SHOPPING". We would go to car dealers and act like we were interested in buying a vehicle and test drive them all night. Sometimes we'd go look at manufactured homes, motorcycles, we went to the malls and acted like we had all the money in the world to buy whatever we wanted. Of course we didn't buy anything, but I got to know more about what my wife wanted and liked. What her tast was, you know? I remember we went to a leather store and she tried on this one leather jacket. She looked so HOT!!!! So I surprised her and bought it for her one Monday after work. She loved it!! After a while, we decided this dream shopping was pretty cool. BUT, there were some things that we really wanted and dreaming about it wasn't cutting it anymore. So we made a list of goals. One by one we tackled them. Back then we didn't have the best home and it needed a lot of work. We started off with the purchase of a new front door. Back then that took 4 paychecks to save up for it. Not the whole paycheck, but what we could manage to save from it. Soon, our goals took premise rather than self gratification. Basically that's all our rut was. It was her being satified, and it was me wanting more. Anyway, we started going to Church more and more too. We got the book, "The five love languages", and our marriage has been bliss ever since. I messed up a lot and hurt my family alot with my alcoholism. I since sobered up and have been working on my wife and family. I suggest you get that book and find out what your love language is. You also need to get your husband to read it too. It only works when you both put 100% into your marriage. Whatever you do, DO NOT LEAVE!!!! I can tell by the way you wrote your post how passionate you still feel for this man. You will get that back. You're just in a routine right now and going through some changes. It will get better. Try some of these things I talked about. You're going to have to be the one to make the first move and get unstuck. I know that I've felt the same exact way you do right now. And now, I couldn't be happier. I truley think that every good marriage will suffer through situations just like this. Good Luck to you both!!! Moose Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Try reading http://www.marriagebuilders.com. See if your husband will read it too. There are lots of good ideas there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornlady Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 Thankyou moose for you reply:) I am so happy to hear that you and your wife made it through those trying times. As for the drug addiction there is times I know that he isn't being completely honest with me, I am getting to the point where I come home and check out the bag to see if he is being 100% honest with me, then weekends that we have been out camping that he will sit there and smoke himself into ablivian, and I will say to him "what are u doing" and I always get what I'm on holidays...........so how does that affect him on the weeks to come. When I have sat down and expressed my concerns to him it has been the following weeks to get us out!! I make plans to go out to the show or for supper, then weeks after that everything falls back into the same routine. I am getting tired, he is a very hard person to talk to, and trying to find the right way to go about things is very trying for me. I had a long talk with my mom last night bc I feel like I am in all of this alone, dealing with someone's addiction is probly one of the hardest trying moments!! There is underlying causes that I can't seem to find, and he won't share with me. Sometimes I feel like he resents me for stopping myself and tryign to get him to quit. Over the long weekend I went camping with a gf and he was trying to "make sure" I took some with me, I don't like that kind of pressure, it's like he wants me to be doing it right along with him and I will not. My mom suggested a counselor for myself to figure out where I am headed, I feel like I have this resentment for him that I am having a real hard time turning around, I sometimes feel like I am missing out on the most important parts of life, he never talks about the future with me, kids, where we are headed ect!! I have been thinking alot about seperation but then I get this guilt, that he will do a complete turn around and hit bottom. Thankyou for your time everyone and reading all of this!! I appreciate it:) Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Alanon is a good place for co-dependancy. My wife got a HUGE amount of help there. They have meeting all the time and there should be one in your area. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornlady Posted September 13, 2004 Author Share Posted September 13, 2004 well I wrote him the longest letter, getting everything off my chest. He didn't take to it all that well at first but we were able to sit down and hash some stuff out!! Now we will see where this takes us in the next few months! ~TL~ Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 I wish you the best of luck!!! Moose Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornlady Posted September 14, 2004 Author Share Posted September 14, 2004 ty moose Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 tornlady - send me a PM. There's something you may want to read - I'm reading it now and it's helping sort through some issues that are similar to what you're experiencing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornlady Posted September 15, 2004 Author Share Posted September 15, 2004 pocky can u send me one i am still trying to navigate around here!! Link to post Share on other sites
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