Why am I scared to death of going NC???

[psm04]

He has never said that he would leave his family. I've never told him that I would leave mine. We have both always said that we can never be a reality. We have said that we love each other, and that we cannot be 'just friends' because it is too painful, and that several topics are off-limits. Then, why is it that I'm so afraid of going NC? He seems like he is too. I am sorry if I seem like a crazy person on this forum, but this is really the only place that I can come to and feel like I can be myself and that there would be at least one person on here who can relate.

 

I really thought that the last time we ended things would be the last time, but it barely lasted. Now, after all of the sweet talks, I'm back to feeling like s**t again because he is not with me, and I miss him and wish I could talk to him. Pretty soon, birthdays, summer breaks, anniversaries and everything else will happen, and I'll have to watch him spend them with his family, just like I have been for the past few years. I'll also be feeling bad for deceiving my H by having the OMM in my heart. I truly want to work things out with my H. I adore him. Yes, we barely have a sex life (it's my fault for the most part since I don't have any desire), but he is a good guy. He actually knows about the EA part of it, and has been great about it. I thought that confiding in him would help me end it, but it hasn't!

 

I just don't know why I don't have the strength to end this. I keep reading posts here on NC, and I know that I have to do it as well to be sane, but there is always something that hooks me back in. Did anyone here have such a hard time with this? What was that final straw that made you end it once and for all and mean it, regardless of whatever bulls**t would follow the NC? Why am I trying to keep the OMM happy, but not myself? I know that his M isn't like mine. They have issues, and I sometimes feel like he keeps me around so that he doesn't have to deal with what he's lacking at home. If he truly loves me like he claims, wouldn't he be willing to let me go, since he knows how tortured and torn I am about this? I apologize for so many questions in one post.. I can't even explain how I feel right now.

[whichwayisup]

Because this pain is FINAL and it truly means everything is over. Don't be afraid of NC. This is YOUR chance to grieve and let go, begin the healing process. It won't be easy but it'll get easier as time goes on. Staying in contact prevents and prolongs you from getting over everything and him.

[stevie_23]

It isn’t his responsibility to end things with you. He wants what he wants, for his own reasons, whatever they may be. He loves you in his way, and so he is allowed to want to keep talking to you and wanting you around.

 

But if this isn’t what YOU need in order to be stable and happy in your life, then it is entirely up to YOU alone to not continue to talk to him.

 

You’re addicted to him. You know it’s not good for you to be with him, you know if you have ANY contact with him it’ll end up that you’re back together again, and I know how hard it is to just NOT be with your OMM, but it IS an addiction and this means that you feel you need it even though it’s detrimental to your life and general happiness. But it also means once you DO stick to NC, it does get easier over time. You have to keep firmly in mind WHY you don’t want to be with him anymore and try to keep moving forward towards a better place for you.

[Poppy fields]

When I realized the only type of relationship we could have in the future would be one of total deceit to his wife and with our time together hidden in the shadows. This did not appeal to me and I was able to move on knowing he would probably be Ok with his famy, and I was young enough to start over.

[Lillyfree]

you seem very aware of what the situation is. you know where you stand and you're hurting now, and preparing yourself for further hurt.

 

someone has to end it. knowing everything that you do, you might as well be the one to do so. and don't be afraid, it will suck, and it will be hard, but it will also be and ending to constant pain that a dead-end relationship brings.

 

and if you think you're crazy now, wait until a couple weeks into NC. come back and post every time crazy gets the better of you, LS has been of immense help to me

 

you are strong enough to do this.

[Sarabi]

He has never said that he would leave his family. I've never told him that I would leave mine. We have both always said that we can never be a reality. We have said that we love each other, and that we cannot be 'just friends' because it is too painful, and that several topics are off-limits. Then, why is it that I'm so afraid of going NC? He seems like he is too. I am sorry if I seem like a crazy person on this forum, but this is really the only place that I can come to and feel like I can be myself and that there would be at least one person on here who can relate.

You are not crazy...and even if you were I'm sure we'd all still love you and be here for you

The whole NC/trying to break away thing...is so bloody hard its unreal I found it hard anyway. However I did get told by my therapist that I would probably feel empowered if I had chosen to end it.

Being friends...I don't even know how. Right now I am wondering to myself if future partners would need to know about this little episode in my life..?

Maybe for you, after many years of NC you could be friends again but can you see it being like this? Would your feelings be rekindled?

 

I really thought that the last time we ended things would be the last time, but it barely lasted. Now, after all of the sweet talks, I'm back to feeling like s**t again because he is not with me, and I miss him and wish I could talk to him. Pretty soon, birthdays, summer breaks, anniversaries and everything else will happen, and I'll have to watch him spend them with his family, just like I have been for the past few years. I'll also be feeling bad for deceiving my H by having the OMM in my heart. I truly want to work things out with my H. I adore him. Yes, we barely have a sex life (it's my fault for the most part since I don't have any desire), but he is a good guy. He actually knows about the EA part of it, and has been great about it. I thought that confiding in him would help me end it, but it hasn't!

Yes...same thing here. It was meant to end about three times. Till it exploded from his end on the fourth. Lol there is so no going back(!)

Back to you. The first time, hardly anything had happened up to that point but I did all the crying, ignoring, deleting texts and blocking emails until finally, I just replied one day(so it is MY fault really for allowing it to restart). We didn't see each other for about 6 weeks though. Initially he said that he felt he couldn't leave because it was just too heartless to cut me off. I had that whole wanting to get away but feeling like I was being drawn back in thing...

I guess the getting upset/angry/worried about them not being with you drives you mad enough to want to leave but you still cling on just in case there is something there you need them, they need you. I didn't want him to hate me so that was why I never fully plucked up the courage and just said "I wish you the best we need to end this now". I was close but never did it

 

 

I just don't know why I don't have the strength to end this. I keep reading posts here on NC, and I know that I have to do it as well to be sane, but there is always something that hooks me back in. Did anyone here have such a hard time with this? What was that final straw that made you end it once and for all and mean it, regardless of whatever bulls**t would follow the NC? Why am I trying to keep the OMM happy, but not myself?

Its painful. In much the same way they don't want to end their marriages to be with someone else, you don't want to end it with them either because its become familiar...and a fear of the unknown awaits. Will you get over your feelings? Will you hate him? Will he hate me? Will you love him years down the line? Will you still think about him? How will you cope without seeing him? etc.

All these things go through my head anyway.

Oh and I didn't end it. He sent me those texts lol. See my thread for further details

 

I know that his M isn't like mine. They have issues, and I sometimes feel like he keeps me around so that he doesn't have to deal with what he's lacking at home.

 

Ach man. Don't f**k yourself in the head worrying about the issues in his marriage/relationship I spent so much time listening to him and analysing and thinking about the two of them and what problems they may or may not have, how they can make things better between each other (going out more, getting a babysitter etc.) it began to make me feel like I was a counsellor...but also it began to get on my nerves and screw with my head giving that pair's relationship too much space in my brain :mad: please! There are so many options/opportunities in this world and this life that surely, if they want to tackle their things they can! It is their relationship no one is stopping them from doing what they want or need to do. All this boll**ks about how X/Y/Z is affecting/destroying their relationship...whatever. It can only destroy/affect the relationship if THEY allow it to.

Sorry...rant over

 

If he truly loves me like he claims, wouldn't he be willing to let me go, since he knows how tortured and torn I am about this? I apologize for so many questions in one post.. I can't even explain how I feel right now.

Well...on the other hand...if you truly loved him...do you feel like you could let HIM go? Perhaps he is too scared. Fear of the unknown. If he lets you go then what..?

In the end, whatever happens...if YOU truly love YOU, you will take the best course of action that is right for YOU

[Sarabi]

And I also apologise...I have probably given you a thousand more questions to try and answer when you came here looking for answers(!)

[Sarabi]

Staying in contact prevents and prolongs you from getting over everything and him.

 

This bit is so true. I found things intensified the longer it went on whereas if you quit earlier it would probably have meant less to deal with. Still painful...but possibly not as painful at a couple of weeks as it now is at several months down the line

People are also right when they say contact will take you back to square 1 of the healing/grieving process...

[spice4life]

What you are going through is very much a part of what people go through in affairs when they are looking for someone else to fill a void instead of working on why it's there to begin with. This cycle will keep playing itself out in your affair and with each one you will be left a little more hardened to it's effects on you. This may go on for quite a while until you finally stop looking to him to make you happy and start focusing YOU to make you happy instead. I'm not trying to be harsh in saying this, but this is how the dynamics play out until you decide to really figure out why you're looking elsewhere for the anwers instead looking to yourself.

 

As hard as it may seem right now, my suggestion is that you ask yourself if he wasn't in your life and you could picture your ideal life, what would it look like. What would you be doing if everything was ideal? Then start taking little steps in working toward that goal. This will help you take the focus off of him and put it on you to start working on you and what it is that YOU want in need. And before you know it he will be a person in your life instead of BEING your life. What I'm trying to say is, as long as you rely on this emotional attachment to him for your happiness there will always be a push pull dynamic in your relationship. It will stay that way until you start to truly focus on how you can fill that void to make yourself happy instead of someone else. Do that and your life will begin to change and for the better!

 

Hope this helps. If it's any help, I know how you feel because I've been there myself. And my life began to change once I realized what I was doing. Now I'm taking charge of my own happiness. I'm not putting that responsibility on someone else (that's quite a burden to lay on someone) and as a result the dynamics in all of my relationships are changing for the better. I am able to be myself and I don't worry if someone is going to like it or not. I've found that everyone in my life is actually relieved! They are happy that we can enjoy each other's company, be real and have fun!

[Mycatsnuggles]

We have been together 2+ years and both of our fears have always been losing complete contact with each other. We have promised to always keep contact even if it is only on our birthdays. An email update. But it's there knowing what our relationship is, knowing either of us could be told to end it forever or else. It's the cold reality.

 

So I sit and I ponder could I? I know realistically NC is the only way but how when my heart wants to be with him. We have never broken up, had some tiffs yes but actually stopped no.. If we end now - how do you do this.

 

I do believe in a way it would be good to stop now. We would leave with beautiful memories of each other to treasure. There would be no ugly scene. Although we have discussed this. Lol we wanted a big ugly scene, he said fireworks should be involved. A final blowup. Unfortunately it would probably end in amazing make up sex.

 

I feel connected to him. Soul mates. I now a tired phrase. But I do wonder are we meant to search out this person in different lifetimes until finally we will be together? I don't want to lose contact with him forever. It's so final. Even if we can't be together I want to know he is ok. I can't imagine never knowing.

[psm04]

Thank you so much for all of your responses. This is such a good support group. I'm in tears right now.

[psm04]

It isn’t his responsibility to end things with you. He wants what he wants, for his own reasons, whatever they may be. He loves you in his way, and so he is allowed to want to keep talking to you and wanting you around.

 

The funny thing is, when I end things, he always agrees and says that it is for the best and that it is the right thing to do. Does he not mean those words? He keeps apologizing for hurting me and keeps saying that he doesn't want me to hurt and that he is hurting as well..

 

 

You’re addicted to him. You know it’s not good for you to be with him, you know if you have ANY contact with him it’ll end up that you’re back together again, and I know how hard it is to just NOT be with your OMM, but it IS an addiction and this means that you feel you need it even though it’s detrimental to your life and general happiness. But it also means once you DO stick to NC, it does get easier over time. You have to keep firmly in mind WHY you don’t want to be with him anymore and try to keep moving forward towards a better place for you.

 

Yes, this is definitely addictive. It just sucks so much because I know how I feel when we talk, and how I feel when we kiss and look at each other, but it's not worth the mental anguish that I go through. And his behavior is so hot and cold.

[psm04]

and if you think you're crazy now, wait until a couple weeks into NC. come back and post every time crazy gets the better of you, LS has been of immense help to me

 

I'm sure I'll be posting a bunch on here. I may not currently post every day, but I'm definitely reading tons of stuff , and they help me get back to reality.

[psm04]

Maybe for you, after many years of NC you could be friends again but can you see it being like this? Would your feelings be rekindled?

The way I feel right now, I could never be friends with him. We could never talk about certain things without feeling uncomfortable.

 

I guess the getting upset/angry/worried about them not being with you drives you mad enough to want to leave but you still cling on just in case there is something there you need them, they need you.

Yes, it definitely drives one mad. One minute I hate everything and want to cut everything off, and the next minute, I'm thinking of all the things we talk about and how I'm going to miss everything etc.

 

 

Well...on the other hand...if you truly loved him...do you feel like you could let HIM go? Perhaps he is too scared. Fear of the unknown. If he lets you go then what..?

I don't think I could let him go from my mind, for a long time, but I could stop what we are doing, and keep the memories in my head. Maybe he is scared too, like me. This gives us a high, and when it ends, we will both crash very badly. But I guess one big drop is better than the highs and lows that I go through on an almost daily basis.

[psm04]

What you are going through is very much a part of what people go through in affairs when they are looking for someone else to fill a void instead of working on why it's there to begin with. This cycle will keep playing itself out in your affair and with each one you will be left a little more hardened to it's effects on you. This may go on for quite a while until you finally stop looking to him to make you happy and start focusing YOU to make you happy instead. I'm not trying to be harsh in saying this, but this is how the dynamics play out until you decide to really figure out why you're looking elsewhere for the anwers instead looking to yourself.

 

As hard as it may seem right now, my suggestion is that you ask yourself if he wasn't in your life and you could picture your ideal life, what would it look like. What would you be doing if everything was ideal? Then start taking little steps in working toward that goal. This will help you take the focus off of him and put it on you to start working on you and what it is that YOU want in need. And before you know it he will be a person in your life instead of BEING your life. What I'm trying to say is, as long as you rely on this emotional attachment to him for your happiness there will always be a push pull dynamic in your relationship. It will stay that way until you start to truly focus on how you can fill that void to make yourself happy instead of someone else. Do that and your life will begin to change and for the better!

 

Hope this helps. If it's any help, I know how you feel because I've been there myself. And my life began to change once I realized what I was doing. Now I'm taking charge of my own happiness. I'm not putting that responsibility on someone else (that's quite a burden to lay on someone) and as a result the dynamics in all of my relationships are changing for the better. I am able to be myself and I don't worry if someone is going to like it or not. I've found that everyone in my life is actually relieved! They are happy that we can enjoy each other's company, be real and have fun!

 

You are so right about me that I almost wonder if you are my therapist :-) Yes, I do have a huge void in my life right now. It has got nothing to do with my H, or the OMM, but with me. I can't get into the details of it, but it is something that I have been struggling with for a long time. And yes, this A has given me a distraction, and I have used it as an excuse to not try to fix the void that I feel. It still doesn't change anything that I feel about the MM though. I love him. I wouldn't be on here posting if i didn't, and I wouldn't feel this way.

 

I'm dreading tomorrow, when I have to see him/talk to him at work. Knowing me, I have to end it by talking with him so that I can get closure and say what I need to say to him. I hope I get the opportunity to do so soon.

[Pierre]

He has never said that he would leave his family. I've never told him that I would leave mine. We have both always said that we can never be a reality. We have said that we love each other, and that we cannot be 'just friends' because it is too painful, and that several topics are off-limits. Then, why is it that I'm so afraid of going NC? He seems like he is too. I am sorry if I seem like a crazy person on this forum, but this is really the only place that I can come to and feel like I can be myself and that there would be at least one person on here who can relate.

 

I really thought that the last time we ended things would be the last time, but it barely lasted. Now, after all of the sweet talks, I'm back to feeling like s**t again because he is not with me, and I miss him and wish I could talk to him. Pretty soon, birthdays, summer breaks, anniversaries and everything else will happen, and I'll have to watch him spend them with his family, just like I have been for the past few years. I'll also be feeling bad for deceiving my H by having the OMM in my heart. I truly want to work things out with my H. I adore him. Yes, we barely have a sex life (it's my fault for the most part since I don't have any desire), but he is a good guy. He actually knows about the EA part of it, and has been great about it. I thought that confiding in him would help me end it, but it hasn't!

 

I just don't know why I don't have the strength to end this. I keep reading posts here on NC, and I know that I have to do it as well to be sane, but there is always something that hooks me back in. Did anyone here have such a hard time with this? What was that final straw that made you end it once and for all and mean it, regardless of whatever bulls**t would follow the NC? Why am I trying to keep the OMM happy, but not myself? I know that his M isn't like mine. They have issues, and I sometimes feel like he keeps me around so that he doesn't have to deal with what he's lacking at home. If he truly loves me like he claims, wouldn't he be willing to let me go, since he knows how tortured and torn I am about this? I apologize for so many questions in one post.. I can't even explain how I feel right now.

 

You are an addict and the affair is your drug. This will only end with a d-day. Or mom may decide to end it. In the meantime you live a non authentic existence.

[Sarabi]

I don't think I could let him go from my mind, for a long time, but I could stop what we are doing, and keep the memories in my head. Maybe he is scared too, like me. This gives us a high, and when it ends, we will both crash very badly. But I guess one big drop is better than the highs and lows that I go through on an almost daily basis.

Hey! This made me think of something...

I absolutely love theme parks and rides (amusement parks to those of you who are stateside lol)

I have always hated the drop rides (you know those silly up to the top of a tower then drop you back to earth at a plummeting speed things?). In some ways I still am. Until one day 5 years ago and last summer (or the summer before, I am losing my mind) someone dragged me on a drop ride, I held my stomach in and it wasn't as bad as all the drop rides I had experienced previously

So (to conclude!) this whole A thing is like a rollercoaster...but when you feel ready, conquer your fear, take the one big drop and it will be done, your feet will both be firmly on the ground , your head won't be spinning and you won't be waiting for the next loop-the-loop, twist or turn that this whole thing sends you on.

(excuse the analogy!)

[Sarabi]

You are an addict and the affair is your drug. This will only end with a d-day. Or mom may decide to end it. In the meantime you live a non authentic existence.

Also true...its amazing how that is. You don't feel right(moods swinging, mind working overtime), you don't feel comfortable or at peace until you see/spend time with or talk to this man. He is your "fix"...and even when you get it and breathe that sigh of relief for those few minutes or hours...you somehow feel you still can't get enough

[spice4life]

You are so right about me that I almost wonder if you are my therapist :-) Yes, I do have a huge void in my life right now. It has got nothing to do with my H, or the OMM, but with me. I can't get into the details of it, but it is something that I have been struggling with for a long time. And yes, this A has given me a distraction, and I have used it as an excuse to not try to fix the void that I feel. It still doesn't change anything that I feel about the MM though. I love him. I wouldn't be on here posting if i didn't, and I wouldn't feel this way.

 

I'm dreading tomorrow, when I have to see him/talk to him at work. Knowing me, I have to end it by talking with him so that I can get closure and say what I need to say to him. I hope I get the opportunity to do so soon.

 

LOL, no worries, I'm not a therapist.

 

Regarding the bold, of course you do and the same with me. I'm sorry if I made it seem that way. What I was trying to convey is that the push pull dynamic will remain as long as you are look at things this way. Once you figure it out the dynamics will automatically begin to change between you and you won't be in that push pull cycle anymore. That doesn't mean you don't love him...I'm sure you do. You just won't be driving yourself crazy anymore. Gosh, believe me, I remember how hard it was and there were times when I wanted to throw my freakin phone out of the car window and keep on driving. During breaks I would put my phone on silent because the d*mn text notification sound would send a shock through my whole system! And then I'd be crushed if the text wasn't from him or worse...there was no text at all. Ugh. It was awful. I don't ever want to go back to feeling like that ever again.

 

I know it's difficult right now, but just have faith that you will get through this.

Edited March 21, 2013 by spice4life

[Lillyfree]

Gosh, believe me, I remember how hard it was and there were times when I wanted to throw my freakin phone out of the car window and keep on driving. During breaks I would put my phone on silent because the d*mn text notification sound would send a shock through my whole system! And then I'd be crushed if the text wasn't from him or worse...there was no text at all. Ugh. It was awful. I don't ever want to go back feeling like that ever again.

 

this would happen to me too! and even during the A...

 

even though it's only been a few months, that seems like a different life, and a different me. i'm so glad that's over!

[psm04]

Hey! This made me think of something...

I absolutely love theme parks and rides (amusement parks to those of you who are stateside lol)

I have always hated the drop rides (you know those silly up to the top of a tower then drop you back to earth at a plummeting speed things?). In some ways I still am. Until one day 5 years ago and last summer (or the summer before, I am losing my mind) someone dragged me on a drop ride, I held my stomach in and it wasn't as bad as all the drop rides I had experienced previously

So (to conclude!) this whole A thing is like a rollercoaster...but when you feel ready, conquer your fear, take the one big drop and it will be done, your feet will both be firmly on the ground , your head won't be spinning and you won't be waiting for the next loop-the-loop, twist or turn that this whole thing sends you on.

(excuse the analogy!)

 

That's kind of what I was thinking too when I wrote that line, but for me, I hate all kinds of rides at amusement parks :-) Which kind of relates to this situation, since I don't like the highs and lows, but I'm afraid of that big huge drop as well.

[stevie_23]

I actually LOVE amusement park rides and roller coasters and my favourites are the big drop ones! I love the sensation of falling. But on those rides, I know I'm safe. In my affair, I HATED the emotional highs and lows of that roller coaster, because I wasn't safe. My head and my heart weren't safe.

[movingon45]

Gosh, believe me, I remember how hard it was and there were times when I wanted to throw my freakin phone out of the car window and keep on driving. During breaks I would put my phone on silent because the d*mn text notification sound would send a shock through my whole system! And then I'd be crushed if the text wasn't from him or worse...there was no text at all. Ugh. It was awful. I don't ever want to go back to feeling like that ever again.

 

I know it's difficult right now, but just have faith that you will get through this.

 

Oh yes, and then when I would break NC and send him a text I would feel that way again! On silent mode and yet I keep checking. Oh the things we have to go through on the road to recovery.

[psm04]

LOL, no worries, I'm not a therapist.

 

Regarding the bold, of course you do and the same with me. I'm sorry if I made it seem that way. What I was trying to convey is that the push pull dynamic will remain as long as you are look at things this way. Once you figure it out the dynamics will automatically begin to change between you and you won't be in that push pull cycle anymore. That doesn't mean you don't love him...I'm sure you do. You just won't be driving yourself crazy anymore. Gosh, believe me, I remember how hard it was and there were times when I wanted to throw my freakin phone out of the car window and keep on driving. During breaks I would put my phone on silent because the d*mn text notification sound would send a shock through my whole system! And then I'd be crushed if the text wasn't from him or worse...there was no text at all. Ugh. It was awful. I don't ever want to go back to feeling like that ever again.

 

I know it's difficult right now, but just have faith that you will get through this.

 

Oh, I truly got what you said :-) I hope my response didn't sound hostile, it really wasn't. I knew what you meant.

 

Ugh, I do the same thing with my phone now. Every time my notification light blinks, my heart skips a little. And every time I see that it is not from him (which is 98% of the time), my heart sinks a little. I should have never used my primary email to communicate with him. That way, I could choose to remove it and move on.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

During breaks I would put my phone on silent because the d*mn text notification sound would send a shock through my whole system! And then I'd be crushed if the text wasn't from him or worse...there was no text at all. Ugh. It was awful. I don't ever want to go back to feeling like that ever again.

.

 

oh my gosh, yes. it got to the point where months ago i assigned him his own "text" noise so that I always know if it is him so I didnt have to go through the disappointment process every time my phone made a noise and it wasn't him. so sad.