Why am I scared to death of going NC???

[whichwayisup]

That's kind of what I was thinking too when I wrote that line, but for me, I hate all kinds of rides at amusement parks :-) Which kind of relates to this situation, since I don't like the highs and lows, but I'm afraid of that big huge drop as well.

 

Me too. Off topic but funny. Was on one of those swing rides up high (when I was a kid) and while spinning one of my shoes came off. Never did find it and had to walk around with one shoe on for the rest of the day!

 

Don't be scared of the final drop. It's gonna hurt but there's no where to go but UP and that's a good thing. No more 'new' pains, 'new' confusion, daily roller coaster ride. Just pain of loss and dealing with letting go and grieving. It'll hurt for sure but it'll make you stronger and wiser once you've healed.

 

The pay off is high and you win!

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Do you realize that people in normal non-secret open relationships don't act like above? This is most typical of affairs involving a person that is insecure.

 

When are you getting out?

 

of course I realize it. And, that was 6 months ago. I've gotten a lot of power back in the last couple months. I don't sit around and pine. I'm not constantly waiting for him. I don't have the "need' feeling like I used to. They're baby steps but they are at least in the right direction.

I know I need to get out. But, I don't have an answer to that question.

[psm04]

Like Greyhound mentioned, I've also gotten better at gaining some control back in the situation. I don't make myself available all the time for him anymore. I frequently even make myself unavailable when he wants to talk to me. These are small baby steps in the right direction, but I know that until it's all over once and for all, there is no healing for me. No matter what my actions are, I'm still constantly thinking about him, and wishing that he were with me

[who_am_i]

oh my gosh, yes. it got to the point where months ago i assigned him his own "text" noise so that I always know if it is him so I didnt have to go through the disappointment process every time my phone made a noise and it wasn't him. so sad.

 

 

I did the same thing...except now when I hear that tone my heart stops for the minute it takes for me to realize it wasn't my phone

[RickFox]

Maybe people prone to affairs have addictive personalities. It really sounds like an addiction and not true love/

 

Having an addictive personality myself, this rings loud and clear.

[LFH]

Personally, I don't believe in "nc" because to me that is still keeping someone in your life. To assign it a title and try and "enforce" the whole no contact thing means that they are still an active presence in your mind.

When you are ready to end it, you end it.

If you have to actively take steps to get someone out of your head, you aren't done.

[LFH]

Exactly. I come to a point of no return. And that's it. Nothing my partner will do will make any difference. It's too late.

 

Yes... that. Also if I have to jump through hoops to get them out of my mind, then nothing *I* do is going to make a difference, I'm just not ready.

[cocorico]

Or you can look at how you are conducting the relationship and see if you can figure out ways to ensure the benefits outweigh the negatives. That seems to me to be a much better option if you are "in deep love". It is often our own mindset that makes us suffer rather than the conditions of the relationship.

 

Or, if the R *truly* is toxic, you could look at what needs the R is filling for you, and how you could get those met elsewise. If you remove the "need" for the R, you won't suffer the pangs of NC, because you won't miss the R as it would be redundant.

[cocorico]

Yes... that. Also if I have to jump through hoops to get them out of my mind, then nothing *I* do is going to make a difference, I'm just not ready.

 

I think this is similar to the dynamic of the MM or MW forced prematurely into a DDay. If they're not ready to resolve the impasse, creating a crisis and forcing them to a decision won't make them more ready. It will simply make them panic, and make decisions they will probably not be able to sustain in the long term - just like someone "compelled" into NC.

 

If you're ready, it's simply over for you. If you're not, it's not over.

[cocorico]

If you had great dedication and motivation and if you could do hermetic NC for six months straight you could get better, however, not many can do it.

 

Nice idea, but there are many stories on here of MM who contact fOWs years after an A, after *years* of NC - which clearly hasn't worked for them!

[LFH]

I am 100% in agreement. But, lets look at someone like Promises. She needs NC or she is doomed. Sometimes it must be done.

 

Why is she doomed? He's not going to disappear off the planet. She needs coping methods, not to falsely insulate herself, becuase if she's going to get involved again, or fall apart again because he suddenly reappears, then she needs to know how to cope. By pretending he disappeared leaves her open to having NO coping skills when he does reappear... and if there is one thing that seems to be a common thread is that they always seem to reappear.

If you had great dedication and motivation and if you could do hermetic NC for six months straight you could get better, however, not many can do it.

That's the point. In order to have that kind of dedication I would need to WANT it. If I don't WANT it, then the minute my resolve slipped I'd be right back in and that's just a crazy roller coaster. You don't WANT it until you're done. I think it's probably like smokers, those that truly want to quit, do. Those that aren't ready will relapse over and over and over until eventually they ARE done, or they never are.

[LFH]

Nice idea, but there are many stories on here of MM who contact fOWs years after an A, after *years* of NC - which clearly hasn't worked for them!

 

Exactly Coco, and if you just block them by phone, email etc and push all that way, shutting them out, you have zero coping skills if you run into them at the county fair or something and then they seek the person out and bam.... all that determination down the drain because there is no skillset that you built to get through it.

[cocorico]

Why is she doomed? He's not going to disappear off the planet. She needs coping methods, not to falsely insulate herself, becuase if she's going to get involved again, or fall apart again because he suddenly reappears, then she needs to know how to cope. By pretending he disappeared leaves her open to having NO coping skills when he does reappear... and if there is one thing that seems to be a common thread is that they always seem to reappear.

 

 

Exactly!

 

And if they're reappearing, NC obviously didn't work for them, either...

 

BTW I love your sig.

[cocorico]

I think it's probably like smokers, those that truly want to quit, do.

 

You are an addict and the affair is your drug.

 

If it truly is like an addiction for the OP, then reading up on addiction therapies could help. Avoidance (the equivalence of NC) is only one tool in the box. More pervasive is substitution, eg methadone for heroin, or a "higher power" for alcohol (as in AA), or nicotine gum / patches / etc for smokers.

 

What do you need / crave from this R - and how can you get it in a less toxic way (either renegotiating the R, getting it elsewhere, or providing it to yourself)?

[LFH]

You and Coco (or Coco and you) make valid points. I never had to do the NC deal, so it is easy for me to recommend NC. However, I would think I would be able to walks away from a toxic relationship even if I have feelings. Ideally the toxicity should trump the emotions.

 

You would think it should.. but that's not often the case. Often people don't even recognize they are in a toxic relationship because either that's all they've ever had or they value their feelings over their logical choices. That's not right or wrong, it's just the way they are wired.

[cocorico]

You would think it should.. but that's not often the case. Often people don't even recognize they are in a toxic relationship because either that's all they've ever had or they value their feelings over their logical choices. That's not right or wrong, it's just the way they are wired.

 

And, sometimes, the "good" (what needs are being met) outweighs the "bad" (the costs) to *them*, even if an outsider does not recognise that.

[LFH]

And, sometimes, the "good" (what needs are being met) outweighs the "bad" (the costs) to *them*, even if an outsider does not recognise that.

 

I can relate to that statement. When is it worth it? When is it not? Who makes that choice? Shouldn't it be the person making the choice?

 

But back to the MAIN topic, why are you scared? Because maybe it's not the right call for you right this moment. That doesn't mean maybe it isn't time to walk away, but maybe NC isn't for you, or maybe you just aren't ready. I sincerely believe that we all have the answers we need to why we do things if we listen to ourselves.

I know someone who said that they were goign to be with their AP forever, thought about going NC, tried for 3 weeks, went back to her relationship. She lasted a week at that point, walked away, didn't bother blocking a darn thing and has never looked back.

Edited March 22, 2013 by LFH

[cocorico]

Are we talking about toxic relationships here? I thought we were speaking about EMRs?

 

If someone describes something as an "addiction", is *it* necessarily bad - or might it just be that they identify in themselves a need which may be pathological, rather than the object of that need itself?

 

So, the A itself may not be the problem. Just the degree to which a particular person feels themselves to be dependant on it...?

[Scarlett5]

What you are going through is very much a part of what people go through in affairs when they are looking for someone else to fill a void instead of working on why it's there to begin with. This cycle will keep playing itself out in your affair and with each one you will be left a little more hardened to it's effects on you. This may go on for quite a while until you finally stop looking to him to make you happy and start focusing YOU to make you happy instead. I'm not trying to be harsh in saying this, but this is how the dynamics play out until you decide to really figure out why you're looking elsewhere for the anwers instead looking to yourself

 

This is absolutely spot on. It's very scary facing up to the void you can feel within yourself, figuring out why it's there and even more scarily, figuring out what you can do about it. The thing is though, it will always be there unless you do face up to it. I found that my 'addiction' to my MM just prolonged me from making any progress in my own life. And I was the only one losing out.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

If it truly is like an addiction for the OP, then reading up on addiction therapies could help. Avoidance (the equivalence of NC) is only one tool in the box. More pervasive is substitution, eg methadone for heroin, or a "higher power" for alcohol (as in AA), or nicotine gum / patches / etc for smokers.

 

What do you need / crave from this R - and how can you get it in a less toxic way (either renegotiating the R, getting it elsewhere, or providing it to yourself)?

 

that's funny. my therapist asked me this last week... about what it is I am "feeling" from him or as a result of this A with him. And I said things like security (which is of course only when he is here), that I feel safe with him... I like the control he has. (of course linked back to lack of dad in my life so had none of this..)

 

however-- she wanted me to focus on being secure on my own. Look at my life, that I have a career and live alone and I am "SECURE" and that I can do it myself. It's not easy but it makes sense. Find those things elsewhere and I realize that I don't "need' him to provide them for me.

[psm04]

But back to the MAIN topic, why are you scared? Because maybe it's not the right call for you right this moment. That doesn't mean maybe it isn't time to walk away, but maybe NC isn't for you, or maybe you just aren't ready. I sincerely believe that we all have the answers we need to why we do things if we listen to ourselves.

.

 

I think I was scared of everything ending; the talks, the connection etc. Plus (i know this sounds bad but i am going to be honest), I was afraid of him hating me and getting completely over me. I mean, a part of me wants him to get over me, but another part of me doesn't. I read something about this being an addiction, and I'm seeing how that is kind of true in my case. I'm glad I posted this question. I actually had the courage to say goodbye to him. I hope it lasts this time. It seems more final than other times. One major thing that helped me was realizing that there is nothing left to say at this point to him. We can talk forever about us, but at the end of the day, everything remains the same. That's all I needed to realize and accept. Thank you for the feedback on this thread :-)