stevie_23 Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 For everyone here who has ended an A or had an A end without having any say in the matter, how did you cope? I mean…what did you do to get through? For me, it’s been 3.5 months now…and I’ve been ok…the first week was ridiculous and I feel nauseous just thinking about it. But beyond that, I’ve been trying to be alright within myself somehow. And right now, I am feeling very desolate. Very lost and empty. I don’t know how to live now, I realise. I don’t even know if I want to. In the past, I have utilised a dysfunctional and destructive coping mechanism, which was cutting myself, to try and relieve pain and overwhelming negative emotion…used it as an outlet. I have not done this for almost 10 years, but am tempted again. I know it won’t help me and I’ll just end up staring at myself in the mirror feeling like I’m looking at a total stranger, someone who has let a married man hurt them to this extent and is now hurting themselves…and I will feel even more desolate and alone, because if I hurt myself…how can I possibly expect anyone else NOT to? And how can I possibly expect to achieve happiness for myself again if all I am doing is inflicting pain? I am a total wreck today inside. Externally I appear fine. Makeup’s on, hair’s neat, I’m wearing clothes. Lol. But inside? Turmoil. Help? Link to post Share on other sites
loredo21 Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Oh Stevie! Please please please don't do that! I cut myself in the past and I knw the drill. The physical pain feels good compared to the emotional pain. I know I'm having a rough time right now too so perhaps I'm not the best person for advice. But remember you are strong! And see how far you've come. 3.5 months is still early. I want you to realize your self worth and muster up any willpower you have and go work out, or grab some coffee and a book, walk, do yoga, meditate, try to find something productive and positive to take your mind elsewhere. I kow how hard it is to not even recognize yourself. Are you in therapy?? Just please don't hurt yourself. It will get better! Hugs! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Took me a few minutes to figure out BU = break up. Don't cut. Get to counseling again and talk it out. I do think much of what you're feeling is worse because of your partner and not able to deal with that relationship, and of course the ending of your A. The parts missing from your R was fulfilled by the A and MM.. That's gone and now there's a big hole. What are your interests and hobbies? Focus on them or trying new things. Time does heal most wounds and it will get better. Keep posting here and do PM me if you need to talk. Please don't relieve your pain by cutting, that will just make it all much more worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Does music help you? It does for me. Gather up maybe 10 songs that have a driving beat, turn it up, and loop that playlist till you get some of the ugly feelings of your system. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 oh stevie... i'm so sorry you're in such a bad place please don't harm yourself - NO ONE, but NO ONE in this whole world is worth it! the way you feel (from my experience) is still a sign that you are healing, no matter how much it doesn't look/feel like it is. why? because you aren't so busy just trying to get through the day and blinded by hurt. you have now started to think about yourself, and your life, which is a good thing! i know that you were always adamant that you will not tell your spouse about the affair, and that's ok. i am of an opinion that you should. from what you said about her she seems wonderful and supportive... is she noticing that everything is not ok with you? did she mention anything? have you tried IC? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevie_23 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Thank you. I think I’m just SO unhappy I don’t know what to do. Maybe also my sense of self worth plummeted because I was engaged in an A and hurting my partner, who is nothing but wonderful to me, and as long as my ex-MM was there loving me, I felt…ok. But now I don’t have his love, ALL I have is that horrible self-hatred. Music DOES help me. I make my own music and have expressed myself in songs I’ve written and sung, and when I’m doing that, I feel ok…but I can’t do that all the time of course. I still have a really hard time being “still”. I hate having showers because it’s just me alone with my thoughts. I hate when there’s nothing specific I really want to watch on TV. I hate when it’s quiet around me. I can’t go to bed unless I’m already falling asleep on my feet because I hate lying there in the dark with my thoughts… I haven’t been to IC. I AM on anti-depressants and they have been helping. Lately I’m not sure if they still are though. My partner never noticed anything different with me during the A. After it ended, she noticed I wasn’t happy and couldn’t eat and lost a lot of weight. I said I felt flat and stressed. She knows I’m on the anti-depressants and has said I’ve seemed happier since I started them. Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 you have spent a couple of years having a lot of your hours being taken up by MM. once he was gone, there was a big gaping hole of nothing. you need to fill that with something you like to do. something you always wanted to accomplish but never had the time to? learn another language, take cooking classes? i will recommend exercise (even if you don't like doing it) as it will put some happy chemicals in your brain - i never wanted ADs as i'm very much against taking any sort of medication, i would just push myself physically until i was too tired physically - and i can tell you one thing, punching a bag is a very good thing when you're angry also, once your A was over there was absolutely no change in your life and relationship. for better, or worse. that could be another thing that's gnawing at you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Stevie, do you ever 'hold on' to things even when you shouldn't? Like maybe it's better to think or dwell or hold on to the pain rather then be left w/that "nothingness" that is more consuming than anything else?.?. I am just curious * Where you are at right this moment IS a lonely place and you have chosen not to allow people who love you to come in and support you in your struggle. I think that may have something o do w/thinking about cutting. But you are NOT alone, you are hear w/all of us insomniacs & LS stalkers. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Music DOES help me. I make my own music and have expressed myself in songs I’ve written and sung, and when I’m doing that, I feel ok…but I can’t do that all the time of course. Put some on now iTunes to the rescue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevie_23 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 also, once your A was over there was absolutely no change in your life and relationship. for better, or worse. that could be another thing that's gnawing at you. Yes, this is a big issue for me. It’s like absolutely nothing has changed, except that EVERYTHING has changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevie_23 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Put some on now iTunes to the rescue. I can't! I'm at work! Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Dear Stevie, I think it's time to go and talk to someone, be 100% honest about your thoughts and feelings. Also, when I was going through what your in now, it really helped to get out of the house, out of my head. I found volunteering to be extremely helpful. Helping others whose situations are dire really takes the focus off of self and can give you a different perspective. Maybe that sounds simplistic, but it truly helped me, and 2 years later, I'm still doing it. For me, it was great therapy. But if you truly feel you are going to hurt yourself, seek assistance now! (((Stevie))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevie_23 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Stevie, do you ever 'hold on' to things even when you shouldn't? Like maybe it's better to think or dwell or hold on to the pain rather then be left w/that "nothingness" that is more consuming than anything else?.?. I am just curious * Where you are at right this moment IS a lonely place and you have chosen not to allow people who love you to come in and support you in your struggle. I think that may have something o do w/thinking about cutting. But you are NOT alone, you are hear w/all of us insomniacs & LS stalkers. Yes. I AM all alone. And it's my own fault cause I can't confide in the people closest to me. And yes, I have always tended to hang onto things...I am very sentimental, I am a huge over-thinker...it's a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 I can't! I'm at work! lol I forgot you are on the other side of the world! Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevie_23 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Dear Stevie, I think it's time to go and talk to someone, be 100% honest about your thoughts and feelings. Also, when I was going through what your in now, it really helped to get out of the house, out of my head. I found volunteering to be extremely helpful. Helping others whose situations are dire really takes the focus off of self and can give you a different perspective. Maybe that sounds simplistic, but it truly helped me, and 2 years later, I'm still doing it. For me, it was great therapy. But if you truly feel you are going to hurt yourself, seek assistance now! (((Stevie))) Thank you. Helping others DOES help me too, I find. I noticed after a few weeks on here, I started giving advice and my thoughts to others as opposed to talking about my own problems, and it helped me feel better... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevie_23 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 lol I forgot you are on the other side of the world! Heheh, yeah, it’s only just after 2pm here. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Self mutilation sounds dangerous and screams for psychiatric help. Please get to IC. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 What WiserNow said* Stevie, Most of us weren't meant to be solitary creatures. You have proven this time and time again. So ya, I think it's time to have a face to face w/someone who can listen to you, meet you where you are then give you the tools you need to get to your better place* Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevie_23 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Wow Pierre, self mutilation. Well, I haven’t done it, and I don’t intend to…I was just disturbed by where my thoughts were heading, so I thought I’d post about it…so I’m not QUITE as alone. I also don’t think I require “psychiatric” help. I DO require some sort of help though, and I am considering IC now, which will help me, even if it’s in ways I’m not quite ready for yet. CIH, thank you. Very true. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 One more suggestion. Smile. Even though you don't feel like it. Especially when you don't feel like it. It's going to feel fake and greasy on your face but slap one on right now and hold it there. From a book on my bookcase: David Havas gave people instructions to contract the specific muscles used in smiling. When the participants contracted those muscles, they had a hard time generating a feeling of anger. When he instructed them to contract the muscles that are used to frown, the participants had a hard time feeling friendly or happy" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Invest in a really good stereo and put it in your bathroom! Not joking! I absolutely LOVE to blast the music and sing (did you know that everybody can sound amazing in the shower? Acoustics!) loudly. My neighbours get a kick out of it too, apparently they can hear me in the summer time (windows are all open) and they laugh. Anyway, it might make you feel better while showering and you won't be alone with thoughts! Youll be too busy singing away and having fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 another silly (ok, crazy ) thing i used to (and still) do when i start feeling a bit low... is repeat this in my head: 'eff you a-hole! i'm too good for you anyway! you DON'T deserve my pain and you DON'T deserve my thoughts'! stevie, he's just a man. and not even a great one of those. he's really not worth it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevie_23 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Thank you so much, LadyG. And to everyone else too. I am at home now, with music playing. I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, and I hate being this way. Lilly, you're right - he IS just a man. I MUST repeat that. HE IS JUST A MAN. Just ONE PERSON. Why place so much importance and my own happiness on ONE PERSON? It's quite ridiculous. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 yes, it is ridiculous. i will not tell you off for it, i've done my share of ridiculous and still have some 'bright' moments more important is: now that you know it's ridiculous, what are you going to do about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevie_23 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Well...what am I doing about it? Nothing much. lol. But I AM telling myself that he IS just a man (I've actually done that before, but had forgotten today)...realising I was happy enough before I knew he even existed, before we got together...and his actions and his ups and downs in his life no longer affect me (thank god)...so...yeah... Link to post Share on other sites
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